[Psychtrea]

Hi there,

I'm a 28 year old male and I'm seeking some sense of guidance or advice with regards to my inability to let go of an old relationship from my past and a general consistent lack of success with women.

As a teenage boy, I dated a girl for a brief period of time that was my first love. As perhaps is not uncommon at the age, the relationship was rather unstable and additionally complicated by a love triangle situation as well as me trying to mourn and come to terms with my father's death which had occurred a few years prior. Unfortunately, after the relationship was over I started to develop symptoms of chronic depression which to this day I struggle with mightily. It took me several years to really get over the relationship. However I eventually started to date other women and went off to college etc. I recall at one point looking back at this old relationship and not quite even remembering this girl's face. My feelings were relatively neutral and most if not all of the toxicity was gone.

Fast forward to today, I have been single now for 8 to 9 years and seem to have rekindled the same type of toxic and obsessive feelings that I had in the wake of that old relationship as a teen. I made the huge mistake in the past year of getting reacquainted with this girl on social media and have developed a kind of masochistic habit of looking at her Instagram etc. This seems to have re-triggered my old tumultuous feelings and I am constantly bombarded by thoughts of this girl throughout my day. I catch myself in the act of fantasizing about her on a regular basis and seem to do so almost like a reflex, effortlessly. It's as if the relationship had an almost traumatic effect on my psyche, and yet there is something comforting and pleasurable about returning to it in my mind even though it's damaging. Fortunately, I've been able to force myself to stop looking her up on social media and am currently in therapy, just started a daily meditation practice, and just started taking Prozac as well. I am hopeful that with some time and effort things will improve but it is truly a maddening experience to feel like you are powerless over your own mind.

What has made matters worse is that since I have been single for such a long time I haven't had any real life outlet to develop healthy new relationships with women to perhaps replace this old toxic one. I have met with an enormous amount of rejection the past 8 years despite taking chances and putting myself out there. Compared to the peers of my age I have very little relationship experience or sexual experience. This has left me feeling dejected and like less of a man. Ironically, I seem to get along fairly well with women on a friendly and conversational level, but seem to lack the ability to attract the people that I desire. I do not consider myself entitled to a woman's affections, but naturally after so many years of rejection, it is difficult to not feel deeply hurt.

My lurking suspicion is that my long time struggle with depression has been the major culprit with regards to my lack of success with women and that I have come across as too emotionally vulnerable or needy. Part of me thinks that I should to the best of my ability drop thinking about women/sex entirely and focus on other areas of my life until I have rebuilt a healthy sense self esteem independent of those things. It's so tempting to think of myself as less of a man and a person because I'm not good with women. Perhaps if I could achieve that happiness and emotional independence, it would could also help me let go of my old relationship and the lingering pain there as well.

I apologize for being so long-winded here; I just wanted to describe my situation as accurately as possible. I'm trying the aforementioned meditation/medication stuff in therapy and am hopeful but any thoughts, ideas, or resources with regards to these two issues would be helpful. Thank you!

[IceCreamKid]

I hope my reply helps. You wrote:

"I seem to get along fairly well with women on a friendly and conversational level, but seem to lack the ability to attract the people that I desire. I do not consider myself entitled to a woman's affections, but naturally after so many years of rejection, it is difficult to not feel deeply hurt.

My lurking suspicion is that my long time struggle with depression has been the major culprit with regards to my lack of success with women and that I have come across as too emotionally vulnerable or needy. Part of me thinks that I should to the best of my ability drop thinking about women/sex entirely and focus on other areas of my life until I have rebuilt a healthy sense self esteem independent of those things. It's so tempting to think of myself as less of a man and a person because I'm not good with women."

You've shown some insight here and what I have quoted is what you can discuss with your therapist. I would try to find a male therapist, by the way, particularly because you have issues with the concept of manhood and manliness. Group therapy might also be helpful.

I might point out, too, that for a healthy relationship (and not one that is solely based on "desire") having this ability: "I seem to get along fairly well with women on a friendly and conversational level" is invaluable, since 'getting along ... on a friendly and conversational level' is a wonderful quality that will last your whole life, long after you stop being a young and virile stud.

In my opinion, our 'selfie society' where snapshots of airbrushed faces and pneumatically enhanced breasts and buttocks are everything has left people with no knowledge of what a real relationship is. Meditation and medication are fine; but so is getting outside of yourself -- do you do any volunteer work? Volunteering alongside women who are also outside of themselves might be just the ticket to help you see what is really important in human relationships.

[WasabiAlmonds]

Originally Posted by IceCreamKid

Group therapy might also be helpful.

Yes. I'll second the group therapy recommendation.

It seems you're beaten down by learned helplessness. You need something to shake you out it. A good place to start is to listen.

[Psychtrea]

Sorry for the delay of my response here; I've been out of town!

I currently have a male therapist however I'm not sure he has the experience to really help me in this regard; I may consider looking into someone else who specializes in this area. The idea of group therapy is a bit intimidating and embarrassing to me but I suppose it's a an option.

I think you are likely right with regards to getting outside of myself. Volunteering and being more social in general seem like they could be a good idea to get out of my own head. I also get your point when it comes to my ability to communicate and be friendly with women. It seems like it should be an asset. I feel like it ultimately sort of goes to waste though when I'm unable to connect with women romantically/sexually. That's the real fundamental issue. I am more than capable of developing friendships with women but it never leads elsewhere.

It just hurts a lot to see how my peers have the ability to get other people to love them and want them while I do not. I don't really know how to adequately describe my pain save to say that it is deep. And I don't say that flippantly or while actively trying to be a victim. I think it's just hard for me to shake after so many years of rejection while being constantly reminded publicly of other people's success.

But I'll keep working at it. Thanks guys.

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by Psychtrea

Sorry for the delay of my response here; I've been out of town!

I currently have a male therapist however I'm not sure he has the experience to really help me in this regard; I may consider looking into someone else who specializes in this area. The idea of group therapy is a bit intimidating and embarrassing to me but I suppose it's a an option.

I think you are likely right with regards to getting outside of myself. Volunteering and being more social in general seem like they could be a good idea to get out of my own head. I also get your point when it comes to my ability to communicate and be friendly with women. It seems like it should be an asset. I feel like it ultimately sort of goes to waste though when I'm unable to connect with women romantically/sexually. That's the real fundamental issue. I am more than capable of developing friendships with women but it never leads elsewhere.

It just hurts a lot to see how my peers have the ability to get other people to love them and want them while I do not. I don't really know how to adequately describe my pain save to say that it is deep. And I don't say that flippantly or while actively trying to be a victim. I think it's just hard for me to shake after so many years of rejection while being constantly reminded publicly of other people's success.

But I'll keep working at it. Thanks guys.

You have a male therapist and you don't think he can help you with the concept of manhood and manliness? Then I question how competent he is. My point about connecting with women on the 'friendly' level is that when the moment isn't sexual, and c'mon, out of 24 hours in a day, most moments are not, that ability to get along with women is a bonus and the stuff of which good relationships are made.

Anyone can find a hookup. Anyone can get married, too. People who have been alone all their lives are shocked and upset when I say that. But listen to the rest of that idea: "if they set their standards low enough". I guarantee you that some of these wonderfully happy couples you are seeing --well, behind closed doors you would not want their relationship.

Love isn't a competition. There is something in what you are saying here: "It just hurts a lot to see how my peers have the ability to get other people to love them and want them while I do not."

This would be another concept I would tell the therapist I wanted to work on specifically. Are you an active participant in your therapy? Could it be the therapist isn't getting enough information from you to understand what your goals are?

Do you have a pet? I see young people meet up daily to exercise their dogs.

You mentioned you might find group therapy embarrassing and/or intimidating--but have you thought you might be helpful to someone else? In addition to taking away something useful for yourself?

I think you have good material inside yourself to offer to a relationship. Keep going; open up to your therapist and if he is not the right one for you, find another. He shouldn't be offended.

Another idea is to ask one of your men friends what they think of your interactions with women.

I hope this has been helpful.