[starryprince]

So my family members sometimes come from their home country to visit us. I don't have a problem with that. The problem is that they pop up announced and they say, "We're only staying for 2 days." Two days become 3 then 4 then 5, etc. That's what happening right now.

Don't get me wrong. It's cool to see my family members. The issue is that some of them are homophobic (they don't know I'm gay) and ableist (they don't know I have mental health issues). They don't like hearing opinions that aren't theirs so the few times I say something, they ignore me.

Another issue is that they always take my mom's room since it's the biggest one and my mom sleeps in my room. My room is very small with a twin bed. So it's uncomfortable. I don't mind it when my mom comes over for one night. But I'm 26 now (that's so embarrassing to say) and I'm saving up money to move out but it's hard for us millenials. When I was in school, my relatives would just pop up when I had midterms and it is very hard to study in a room with another person, so I would sometimes just study outside. We have a big futon, but my mom doesn't want anyone to sleep on it. Why? I don't know.

Now, I don't want to make it sound as if I'm selfish. It's one thing if they lived down the street but another country is a whole different thing. When they come we have little time to go out and buy more food, run errands, etc. Everything gets flipped upside down.

What makes this time worse is that my mom has a bit of an attitude because she got some bad news. So she's been snappy and she'll make these jokes that aren't jokes, and when I get defensive she gets mad.

I'm also in a bad headspace. I'm not feeling great mentally.

I feel bad whenever I get annoyed when my family members come but sometimes I can't deal with the ableist and homophobic comments and then my grandma makes fun of me to show people that she's funny and it's just very annoying.

My mom already knows I don't like it when they just pop up out of nowhere but it's her house so I abide by her rules. I don't even want to sleep on the couch because she'll get upset and offended.

Am I the only one who doesn't like it when family members pop up unannounced? =/

[divine1966]

I absolutely don’t tolerate people popping up announced. It’s absolutely unacceptable. Are you sure they don’t inform your mom ahead of time and she just isn’t telling you? I can’t imagine them hoping on a plane or train and not even making sure you’ll be home!

[starryprince]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I absolutely don’t tolerate people popping up announced. It’s absolutely unacceptable. Are you sure they don’t inform your mom ahead of time and she just isn’t telling you? I can’t imagine them hoping on a plane or train and not even making sure you’ll be home!

Oh no, I know for sure. It's extremely rare that they even tell my grandma but when they do they say, "Don't tell [insert my mom's name]. It's a surprise!" It certainly is a surprise to my mom and I when they come here. 95% of the time they don't tell my grandma. I agree with you! I can't hop on a plane and do that. =/

[~Christina]

The sad thing is you live with your Mom so things will happen you don’t like and probably will have no say.

Family just showing up would drive me bonkers.

What a bout renting a room ? Cost is lower than having your own place with all the bills to go with.

My daughter lives in Florida for school and her job, she got tired of her Dad and his rules so she found a room to rent and it’s worked out fantastic.

I have experienced this and it’s awful. Some people just feel entitled to show up just because they’re “family.”

[starryprince]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

The sad thing is you live with your Mom so things will happen you don’t like and probably will have no say.

Family just showing up would drive me bonkers.

What a bout renting a room ? Cost is lower than having your own place with all the bills to go with.

My daughter lives in Florida for school and her job, she got tired of her Dad and his rules so she found a room to rent and it’s worked out fantastic.

Yea, that's why I said I live in her house and have to abide by her rules. I've been thinking of renting a room but I have a lot of past trust issues I have to work through...The thought of rooming with people terrifies me. =/ I have definitely been thinking about it, though. I have a best friend who I was thinking of rooming with but she's gotten a girlfriend (which makes a ton of sense, I'm not hating on that). My other friends have other people they're rooming with, so it's looking like I'll have to room with strangers, and I don't like the idea of that. So I'm currently just weighing my options.

Originally Posted by Sisabel

I have experienced this and it’s awful. Some people just feel entitled to show up just because they’re “family.”

That's how I feel about it, too. A heads up will be nice. =(

Growing up as a kid this happened a lot. Mom would gladly welcome people in overnight - even strangers my father brought home from the university or church. There were times I would wake up and wander out of my room to discover someone sleeping on the couch. Often it was my older cousin who would just let himself in during the night. This really scared me as a child and teenager for what did my parents know of these people? And, if it turned out they were going to stay more than the one night, it was my bedroom they were given forcing me to sleep in my stinky brother's room (completely inappropriate as a teenager). There was one time I came down for breakfast to discover two scruffy and very frightening looking motorcyclists at the table. Apparently my mother had run into them at the convenience store the night before and felt bad about them setting up a tent in the pouring rain. For all I knew they could have been HA enforcers or other 'one percenters'.

So now that I am an adult with my own home I have made it absolutely clear that unless you have previously asked and I have agreed, one is not welcome to spend the night in my home. Show up for coffee yes, but anything more I require forehand knowledge about.

[unaluna]

I grew up this way too. It would be considered rude to let people know you were coming, because that would mean you were expecting them to prepare for you. But OF COURSE you would NEVER want to put them to any trouble! omg i remember the sheer terror i felt when their car rolled up in front of our house. Or the uncomfortableness when we did it to them.

[WasabiAlmonds]

The real problem here is you're still living with your mom. Live in a friend's closet if you have to.

Bonus: no one wants to visit you when you live in a closet.

If you can't talk to your mom about the problem can you go straight to the source? Can you talk to these house guests?

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by justafriend306

If you can't talk to your mom about the problem can you go straight to the source? Can you talk to these house guests?

And say what?! That would be a swift way to get "MTF surgery".

I was thinking more along the lines of a twin-size aero-bed. You could set it almost anyway you can find the floorspace. Or one of those foam chairs that fold out to a bed. Still the tricky thing would be keeping it for yourself. They would surely expect you to give it up for the guests.

Im sorry, justafriend, i didnt mean to be harsh. But grannies can be very mean if you are in any way dependent on them. They want you to stay home to care for them in their old age, but they realize theyve made a deal with the devil.

[starryprince]

Thanks a lot for your help and validation everyone. I really appreciate it. Unfortunately, as I still live with my mom, I can't do much. So I just try to look forward to the future when I can live on my own. You guys are awesome, thanks so much!