Do over?

I really messed up last night. I did not say goodbye to my kids after the t-ball game so I went back to the house to say goodbye to them. When my wife got there an argument broke out and I showed my butt pretty well. I had a crying spell (uncontrollable) for about two hours. I could not breath and I was just really upset, angry at myself, guilty and felt like a failure. I am not sure what is wrong with me and why I am such a dufus. I only hope that I can get a do over. But for some reason I doubt it I feel that I lost the last chance to be with my family again.

I can so relate... the ranting and the regret and the anxiety that takes hold and before I know it I'm controlled by my emotions and out of my mind with frustration and self loathing.

Coping with mental illness is a journey we take each and every new day. Coping with mental illness takes practise. Least that's what I'm discovering. Some days are better than others. Some days I can catch myself before everything gets overwhelming and the anxiety takes over but other days the anxiety rules me and its one incident after another. One 'start over' after another.

It is what it is dragonphoto. The most important lesson I've learned is to refuse to let myself dwell on my guilt. Not to entertain the gloom and doom thoughts that leave me curled up in a ball of pain and hopelessness. What happened happened. We don't get 'do overs' but we do get 'do agains'. So long as we stay in the game, in the battle, in the moment we have a chance to do things better.

I can't count the number of times I've apologized for my behaviour and asked loved ones to be patient with me and forgive me for my hurtful outbursts. I don't ask them to make excuses for me or to allow me to mis-treat anyone. I ask them to be understanding of my challenges and supportive of my efforts to maintain stability in my life. To believe my intentions not my actions.

Somedays and some moments I am more able to cope than others. Somedays I am able to draw upon a particular coping skill to cruise past a trigger without incident and other days the trigger switches before we have a chance to process what is happening and it becomes harder to see what I need to do to get through the moment.

The main thing I'm learning is to not beat myself up but to learn from each and every experience. That means that when I manage a difficult moment I give myself credit. When I mis-manage a difficult moment I give myself encouragement for the next time. I resist every urge to beat myself up and fall into the hopeless pit.

Maybe its just cuz I'm tired of the downward cycle that those negative feelings empower. Tired of the sadness controlling me for days and weeks at a time. Tired of where it leaves me.... feeling more hopeless and sicker than I started. When I realized that there was no value in giving in to the negative emotions.... that they were to be fought off rather than entertained then I started to empower myself with the skills for battle. That's when I started the journey of teaching myself how to turn negative thinking around. To turn it around as quickly as I can once a trigger has been switched. Its this determination that keeps me trying again and again to improve my skills.

Now when I face a incident like you describe where I didn't cope well I analyse the situation not to beat myself up but to learn and grow and be empowered to do better the next time. Sadly there is always a next time that life's challenges will trigger me. Happily there is always a next time for me to successfully cope.

One can get lost in the guilt and fall into the pit or one can be encouraged to try again. One can choose to believe in their ability to master the art of coping with determined practise or one can believe its hopeless and become a master in the art of self pity and inersia. I may not feel empowered when these moments hit but if I tell myself I have the power then at least I have the beginning of some hope.

Don't waste your precious energy looking back with regrets. It will do nothing but feed the temptation to fall deeper into the pit. Look back to learn something that can be useful for the future. Look back to discover what you could have done to manage the situation better.... to cope with the feelings and thoughts that caused you to melt down and loose control so that you have a chance of doing differently the 'next time'.

Children are incredibly resilient. They will still love you no matter what. So long as they know you want to do better and that you are doing your best to learn how to cope and improve the quality of your life and theirs then they will continue to be in your corner and they will be protected from serious harm.

I know this because my son has endured and survived my illness without loosing his love for me or trusting my love for him. He's 14 now and what has helped us the most is my honesty with him. I provide him with age appropriate information so that he knows what my illness is about and is able to de-personalize some of it to spare him some suffering.

I've also given him permission to give me signals when I'm at risk of going over the edge. For example.... if I start racing around... doing a chore or activity at super speed.... he has permission to suggest I slow down. My part in the deal is to listen to him and accept his assessment without giving it a second thought. Without giving myself time to deny I'm in danger zone. To reinforce his observation we then go into a game of slow motion. My job is to switch to slow speed immediately without hesitation. It always works to slow me down and put me back in the moment. Usually it results in shared laughter. Any anxiety that was building is nipped in the bud. The best thing about this kind of partnership with my son is that he feels that he is doing something useful. So often our loved ones are left to just witness our meltdowns. The biggest source of their suffering is their own sense of powerlessness to help us. If we can give them things they can do to help then they are less impacted by our actions. They become part of the solution rather than just victims of the desease.

Same with my ex. He left me because he couldn't cope with the roller coast ride anymore. It was causing him to be sick too. He has since become my greatest supporter. We remain best friends. He visits most weekends and calls every other day. We manage to be a family without living together. I empowered him to give me signals when I'm starting to obsess or over-think a situation. He's allowed to say 'we've talked about this enough for now' or 'we don't need to figure this out now so lets take a break and....' my job is to hear that as a signal that its time to stop talking and rest my brain. That I'm beginning to get too worked up and need to stop thinking for a while.

Because I made that conscious decision when I was in a good state I'm committed even when I'm in a vulnerable place to heed their signals. It becomes my first priority. To heed their warning. To trust them because I love them and I've given them the power to be my helpers.

It doesn't always work. Sometimes they are too late and the horrors begin but most times they save me from cycling to a place I don't want to go and everyone is saved a dose of my junk. Because my love for them is so strong it is able to overpower the temptation to ignore their warnings. My love for them is my source of trust when I need it most.

My hope is that I will learn to see the signs myself and stop myself before they have to give me any signals. Until that day their help in this way has been invaluable. I had to humble myself to acknowledge the need but it has been worth it to give up a bit of power. They tell me it helps them to have a role to play in my recovery. They don't feel burdened they feel useful. Our love for each other is stronger than ever. Our hope for our lives being better is greater than ever.

Not sure if any of my rambles have helped you at all dragonphoto but be assured that you will have a chance to do better next time. The important thing is to stay in the game and keep learning new skills to make your game better and better every time you start a new day. Keep the hope for yourself and your family alive. Somedays that's the only thing that gets me out of bed. Hope and the promise that in time and with practise I'm getting better, stronger and more skillmful each day.

Believe in your dream and walk in beauty. What the heart craves the will can determine. Be strong and be forgiving of yourself. I gaurantee you your children already have. And I'd venture to guess that your ex would welcome an opportunity to be helpful. She loves your children and wants the best for them. She is motivated to see you well. It's what will make her children's lives better.

Take care and don't give up.... try again and again and again if you have to. It will get better and better so long as you fight for what you want and work at what you need to do. There is no cure for what ails us but there is treatment. How you treat yourself when you are at your worst is the biggest indicator of how well you can recover.

That's my experience anyways.

Bless you as you journey on in humity, truth, forgiveness and love.

Thank you very much chocolate, I got up this morning around two in the morning and went right away to my CBT book. I pulled out my ABC form and filled it out. After I did that I kind of sat there and looked at it and realized exactly what happened. I really appreciate the kind words. This is a constant struggle and I hate it for my wife because she goes through a lot now and then to have to worry about what I am going to do makes it that much worse for her. I know she loves me but I feel that she is really scared that things will get worse. I have tried to convince her that I have never been a viloent person it is just not in my nature. But thatis her perception and I have to respect that. I really do feel as if I have changed and the incident last night was the two of us just blowing off steam. Her because she has been dealing with the family thing all by herself, and me because I have been so lonely. I understand where she is coming from and I also know that me not being there is rough for her too. I am a better person I just really miss my family. The ups and downs have really kind of stopped for me and working with the ABC form is like saying that when you do have an episode you can logically look back at it and learn from that. Which I have done over the past two months. Last night scared me more than anything...terrified me actually, I felt like I was going into the darkness again when I got to where I am staying. It really took me two hours to calm myself down and keep from hyper-ventalating. I know it was really hard for her after I left too, and that makes me sad to know that I cannot be there to hold her hand and give her a hug and tell her it will all be ok. I miss my wife!!!!!

Good on you dragonphoto. Your choose welness over sickness to control your life. Hope and promise are not lost.

I know that feeling too. I miss my partner beyond words to express. I have my son with me but raising him mostly alone is extra challenging when I have to put some much energy into my own issues. My guilt for having caused our family to live apart is overwhelming sometimes. Fortunately my partner does what he can from a distance and stays connected to be there when we need him.

I'd suggest you share your learning with your wife. Not to make excuses but to give her hope that you are learning how to manage your illness from our experiences.

You should not give up the dream that you will be back with your family some day. Not today or tomorrow but some day. Each day you work with your CBT exercises and each time you put them into practise strengthens you for the next challenge.

I'm believing for both of us that the day will come when we are coping well enough to reunite our families or at very least find the balance that will serve everyone's needs and interests. Right now your lonliness and her stress are triggering reactions and behaviours that neither of you are happy with.

Patience and steadfast effort to be well are your best strategies right now. Consider the time you are away from your family as your time to regroup and regain your power. Your wife is giving you the gift of time and space to focus as much energy as you need to get well. Take full advantage of the opportunity. Reward her for her kindness and patience by making the most of every moment and every opportunity to get well.

Somedays that's all I have to lean on to find the motivation to get out of bed and try again. When things go well for a period of time its tempting to think I'm ready to take on more than I'm already dealing with. I resist the urges and keep myself working within boundaries I can handle.

One day.... one step at a time. Step by step, day by day we get closer to the prize. To our hopes and our dreams.

Be proud of what you've done. Recognize the growth it represents. In time you will have a history of wellness that outweighs the history of illness.

That is my hope for both you and I. Talking with you about this and hearing about how you turned your thoughts around has increased my own resolve to stay the course and keep focused on doing the work.

I keep reminding myself that no one said it would be easy but I've faith my efforts bring new hopes. You have feed that faith for me today.

Be well..... be ever hopeful.

Hey dragon.... how ya doing? You've been in my thoughts and prayers all day so I hope you are hanging in okay. I snooped at your blog to see if you'd posted there and see that you have. Lot of negative talk there to suggest you are having a rough go given the timing.

I wanted to suggest you read back to an earlier post when you seemed almost manicly happy and optomistic. Seems you are cycling pretty fast right now and perhaps you might want to connect with your therapist sooner than later. Don't try to handle the mixed feelings on your own.

You sound like a very special man with a lot of love in his heart for his family. You've already made huge strides. It would be heartbreaking to see anything break that momentum.

Keep the faith my friend.... walk in beauty.

I actually called my T yesterday and he talked me down from the funk that I was in. He explained quite a few things to me and how I was really feeling. It really took a load off my shoulders. Now the only thing I have to do is put his words into actions and do just as he suggested. I know I can do it i am a strong person with a strong will.