Verbally Abusive Father

Hi everyone,

How are you all doing? I’m 20 years old, attending classes and currently getting the most out of my education. I’ve been going through tough emotional times with my family for countless months, kept trying to deal with it and asked multiple people for advice, but it just hasn’t helped. The issue here is with my verbally abusive dad, and it seems like there’s nothing that I, nor the rest of my family, can do to deal with him.

He likes to yell and throw insults at us quite a lot. On top of that, try to make each of us feel like absolute garbage while at the same time feeling guilt for things that are beyond our control. He comes from a background where his family did pretty much the same to him, so now he wants to inflict all that emotional pain on us. I’m worried that there will eventually be a breaking point where either the rest of my family or I will suffer a heart attack from the stress, specially my mom, who seems to always be his main target.

Just recently he yelled at her and I in our car, for about 20 minutes straight. I don’t want to explain why, because it was for a stupid and insignificant reason. Because the car is such an enclosed space, that fact just made his yelling more ear-piercing than usual.

He basically has the mind of a child, throwing temper tantrums expecting to get away with it. And unfortunately, he does.

***I’ve reached a point in my life where if I get yelled at like this, even for 5 seconds, my mind will immediately think “oh please just stop, I can’t take this anymore, no more please no more”, and I just lose every ounce of clarity and focus. This leaves me weak to trickery. If someone puts me on the spot, I’ll immediately want to leave that situation, because all the yelling that my dad has done has made me pretty anti-social and wanting to stay away from everyone. So someone could ask me something and I’ll say something in return that’s completely wrong and unintentional, and they could use that against me for future conversations. I could give the wrong impression to someone that quickly. And usually if I tell them “sorry, now’s not a good time”, they just look at me weird and respond with something like “uh...okay?” which really frustrates me.

That brings me to another point. I have quite a lot of built-up frustration and fury, to the point where little things will sometimes cause me to just completely rip my own shirt apart. I only damage my own property, since there are no repercussions from others, the only repercussions are having to buy new shirts and wasting the time and money doing so. I would prefer to not do this, but it’s the only thing that’s helped to relieve my anger. Stress balls have made me angrier and always cause me to just toss it across the room, and THEN rip my shirt apart.

Just recently I’ve started exercising, because I need to lose weight, and fortunately I’m making progress. However, it hasn’t helped my frustration. And I sometimes get angry shortly after eating, so I can’t just exercise to get rid of that anger, since my appendix will start to hurt.

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Back to the yelling issue. Moving out isn’t a solution because that will leave my mom vulnerable to his abuse, and on top of that they’ll lose our only home, which is a 1-bedroom apartment.

I have these constant episodes of anxiety and it feels like my stomach is turning inside out. I have an appointment to speak with a psychologist next month, but that’s just way too long. And what if they aren’t able to help? The last time I went, all they did was say “okay” after every little thing I said, then told me generic things to just not think about anything that’s bothering me. Didn’t even bother to tell me *how*.

So, my anxiety is affecting my social and academic status quite dramatically, and I can’t take it anymore. I need help, seriously. My mom too, she needs just as much help.

Hello Frozen: I'm so sorry you are having to deal with all of this. (It brings back sad memories from many years ago.) I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! Hopefully coming here to PC can be of some comfort & support.

I wish I knew what to tell you about this. Unfortunately your recourse, I'm afraid, is to move out. But you wrote you can't do that. From my perspective, at least, it's really not up to you to try to fix what's going on between your mom & dad. (I never could.) And the fact is, I'm afraid, there's really nothing you can do to repair their relationship anyway. So imagining that there might be, if you could just find it, is really just keeping you harnessed to a situation you can have no control over & that is eating away at your own mental health. I know you wrote that your moving out would also cause your parents to lose their apartment as well. There again, sadly, by your taking responsibility for your parents' living situation you're again tying yourself to an abusive situation you have no ability to control.

You mentioned you have an appointment to see a psychologist next month. I'm glad to read this is the case. From my perspective, I think the thing you're going to have to do here is to get with a mental health professional of one sort or another (a psychologist or perhaps a mental health therapist) & work with that person over an extended period of time to deal with all of the emotional abuse you have both observed & endured. This is not something that can be resolved in a single session. You're going to be dealing with the after-effects of this well into your future. Trust me on that one. So if the psychologist you're going to be seeing doesn't seem to be someone you feel comfortable with, it's going to be important for you to keep looking. Not every psychologist or therapist works well with every client. You have to keep searching until you find the right mental health professional for you.

You mentioned you've started exercising. Exercise is certainly a good way to burn off anxiety. Developing a meditation practice is another good step you could take. And also, writing about what you're experiencing as well as how you're feeling about it, can help too. You could do that here on PC or you could start a journal if you don't already have one.

I'm going to give you links to a bunch of articles, from PsychCentral's archives, on how to cope with difficult family members, how to cope with anxiety & panic attacks, journaling, & how to find a good therapist. Hopefully some of the information in these articles can be of some help to you... & perhaps to your mom as well:

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...dium=popular17

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imper...nd-or-explain/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/10-way-...er-boundaries/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imper...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/lib/15-smal...iety-symptoms/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/11-tip...anage-anxiety/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/top-10-...s-for-anxiety/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/tips-to...-attack/?all=1

https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-...panic-attacks/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/stren...of-journaling/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/tips-to-start-journaling/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-hea...of-journaling/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/10-way...ood-therapist/

https://psychcentral.com/find-therapist/

And then here are links to 2 articles, that may be of some help to your mom, on the subject of being in a verbally abusive relationship:

https://psychcentral.com/lib/signs-y...abused-part-i/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/signs-y...bused-part-ii/

My best wishes to you...

I really think you need to do what is best for you and not the family. Yes what I preach is tough but you are in a tough situation and should you decide to stay it is going to forever be a no win situation. Can you stage an intervention for your mom? Can you do some research on what resources are available that she can access in the area? Still, you need to look out for yourself.

There are resources for you. Talk to a guidance counsellor, talk to your family doctor.

This is very similar to a situation my best friend was in until last year. His dad is much like yours, very childish in behavior and flips for absolutely no reason, only cares about himself, but also very manipulative and can fake nice to people outside of the family. My friend had to protect his mother and sister from physical and sexual abuse multiple times, so much like you he felt he could not leave and had set aside his life to keep them safe. Only recently has he been able to start his life. He helped his sister finish college so she could leave, then managed to convince his mom to leave the state to go live with other family members and file for divorce from afar where she is safe.

If you and your mom don't have the option of leaving the state like my friend's mom did, I found this site on Google for you: https://victims.ca.gov/victims/issues/domesticviolence/
There's tips and general info on how you can get out of that situation. It may only be verbal abuse now, but it's still a horrible situation and could turn physical so the sooner the better.

As for your issues with anxiety/rage and therapy not working, it's possible you need to try to find another therapist. From what you described it sounds like you want a therapist who is more engaging, which has definitely been an issue for me too.

My dad was like this too. He was mean as a snake at home but very nice to his customers. He hit my brother and me for no reason or out of anger. He yelled and shouted derogatory comments to us. My brother had to receive stitches for a cracked skull. He also hit us with wire swatters and broom sticks. He was a sick man until one day my brother stood up to him then it all stopped. He occasionally broke things still in front of us to scare us though. My mother never protected us because she never got hit by him because she threatened to leave him if he did. So, the madman got his way until my brother did something. But, the damage was already done. My brother is verbally and emotionally abusive towards women and other people he thinks are inferior to him. And, I have severe mental illness and always am needy emotionally. I don't know what to tell you but to be able to become independent and find your own way away from your father. I am now 50 years old and can remember vividly the abuse and violence by my father. I have run away from home on occasion but realized nobody else was there for me while growing up except my dysfunctional mother who, I believe, has mental illness too, probably bipolar also but she has not been diagnosed or sought help for it. I am screwed up as a top but through really tough experiences due to bad judgment I became a person who understands and probably am now a little wiser because of my situation. I say try not to let the past dictate your present and future. I believe or not have forgiven my abusive father and mentally ill mother. I have not forgiven my brother yet because he is not smart to be as abusive as my father to others, especially me, and think he can get away with it. He knows better and so do I. I used to be twisted inside and mean too. I was really verbally and emotionally abusive until I became mentally ill and realized I had a choice in my attitude. We have choices to make. First, help yourself, then you can help others, such as your mother. I know this sounds easier said than done but I urge you to find a way to deal with your father while taking classes. Are you working? Do you have any relatives or family members who can help or intervene for you? May be you have friends too who can help? I can empathize and hope you find a solution some how. I would not call the police or make more trouble for your family. If your father is still supporting the family, then making the least amount of trouble is ideal for your family. My father despite all of his abuse was the sole breadwinner for my family. Without him, I would not have survived because my mother never worked while she was married. You can do what my brother did too, that is, to stand up against your father but my father was becoming rather old at the time- so probably not recommended. The best solution may be to spend the least amount of time at home and do all of your homework at the library at school. And, please ask other people if they can help you deal with your father, especially other family members who know your father well. If they can't, then you must think how you can protect yourself and your mother. The best solution is for you to spend the least amount of time at home. If your mother is getting physically abused too and this is leading to violence, then there is no option but to leave the madman. You don't want to risk leaving for your mother's sake but if she is in a dangerous situation, you need to find safety for you and your mother. Thus, its sounds to me he is more emotionally and verbally abusive for now. So, just spend less time at home and when he spews out his venom try not to be intimidated. One of the things my father seemed to relish is that my brother and I were intimidated by him. We were scared of him. But, when my brother stood up to him that was the end of being physically abused but the emotional and verbal abuse never ended and still to this day is apparent with my father. Thus, don't be scared of your father and don't say anything and remain silent. The best reaction to abuse is stand your ground and don't be intimidated. He may get tired of your silence and no reaction. I don't know what else to say but stay strong and persevere. All things in life are temporary. You will one day be in a different situation, hopefully, a better situation. May this day come soon for you!