[DutchGirl]

Last year I got divorced, it was I who decided to leave my husband. I don't have regrets about my decision, although life on my own is sometimes very hard. On the surface I am an outgoing person, easy to be with, but inside I am terribly shy and insecure, I don't make friends easily, to be honest I don't have real friends at all, only acquaintances. I feel very lonely.

I am very insecure about my looks, I am no beauty, I know I am not the ugliest person on earth, but sometimes I'm not even sure about that. I suffered from this all 46 years of my life. It doesn't help to make new friends.

Then about 4 months ago I met someone on the internet, on a forum like this. We started e-mailing and we became real friends. I started to love him, it was mutual. We talked about meeting each other sometime which wouldn't be easy because he lives in the USA and I in the Netherlands. Then I got shy again because he would see how I look, so I told him he shouldn't expect too much. He pressed me for a photo, which I didn't want to send. I don't have any recent photo's and I lost a lot of weight since the last one was taken, so I look quite different now. But then I decided to take a picture with my webcam and send it. And guess: he didn't like it at all. He didn't want to tell me at first, he kept saying the picture was too hazy and didn't have enough contrast. I misunderstood his reply and pressed for more information. Then he told me he didn't find me attractive.

I don't know how to deal with it. All this happened a few days ago. I don't have the courage to go out now, I don't want to meet people. I called in sick at work and I'm locking myself in the house.

The worst thing is I can't talk about this to a friend, because it was my only friend who caused this.

[dragonphoto]

((((((Dutch))))))) That just goes to show how shallow men can be. I find the beauty of a person within their actions and their heart. It does not matter what that person looks like it only matters that they do good things. I am sure that you are a good person and you deserve more respect then that guy gave you. I am here if you ever need to talk.

Dragon

[salukigirl]

i, too, suffer from horrible body image. it has gotten a lot better now that i have a boyfriend who gets super pissed if i ever call myself fat or ugly. you need to find people who are like you. there really is someone, usually multiple people, for one person. just because some people dont find you attractive doesnt mean other people dont. and if someone is that shallow that they cant see past outer looks then screw em! i dont want some guy who is going to get on me about being a few lbs overweight, i want someone who will listen to me rant and rave and be uber political lol.

although it is very hard to meet other people like that if your very shy. lucky for you this website is filled with people like you lol. were all going through problems like that and were all suffering from something.

people on here are very understanding and wont judge you for your feelings. were here to help. im sure anyone on this forum would be glad to support you in your down time.

im pretty tall, not fat but full figured and have dark brown/red hair. going to college - all i see are 5'2'' tiny blonde girls who wear mini skirts constantly. so thats what i compare myself to. but luckily my boyfriend hates skinny girls and likes tall brunettes lol or else id be screwed!

surround yourself with people with the same interests. that would be like me hanging out with supermodels. they will only make me feel worse, so im going to surround myself with other people like me. i dont think anyone is ever actually ugly anyways.

and if you ever want to talk you can PM me.

[Perna]

Dutch, you're divorced so some man found you attractive and I'm sure there are many more who would. It hurts to make a friend and then have them drop you for such a shallow reason but you didn't really know him, was infatuated with your idea of him (since you hadn't met him in person; who knows what part of him was true/false!) so I would actually be glad you didn't meet, that his true character showed up when it did rather than later in a relationship.

People have "ideas" of what they want in a person and another that doesn't quite meet those fantasies isn't going to be as attractive as any fantasy until their full personality and "liveliness" and spirit come into play in person. I remember when my husband mentioned early in our relationship how he liked a few different things than I am but I assure you he wouldn't trade me for any fantasy now :-)

I would go out with friends, guys with them and meet some guys and talk to real guys in person and you'll see that there's nothing in "looks" that will make a difference once someone gets to know you as "you" the package deal.

[seeker1950]

Oh, My Gosh, Dutch! You sound so much like me! You are a beautiful person!
Patty

[selfy]

i know how u feel. to be honest. if he judged u by one photo, hes an ***. firstly a photo cannot catch the character of a person, and i bet you have a wonerful character. im sure one man at least loved it. there are many peopel who will loce u for what u r.
i am not attractive.
i am pretty short and stumpy, with wide shoulders and a skin condition. most days i avoid the mirror cuz it upsets me so much.
but i still have someoneho loves me for WHO I AM notwhat they want me to be
take care hun
stay happy
self

[DutchGirl]

Thank you all so much for your support. Today I made the decision to go out again and meet other people.

[selfy]

gd gd gd it is a good idea

[sabby]

((((((((((( DutchGirl ))))))))))))

I too have low self esteem. It took me many years to work on it and become comfortable with what I look like. Every now and again I still have to battle the poor self image monster but for the most part, I am ok with my looks.

I would say that the man you become close to was a mental midget and very immature. I'm sorry he hurt your feelings and opted out of what could have been a beautiful relationship.

A very important part of increasing your self esteem is to smile. When you smile, it releases happy little endorphines in your brain. You begin to feel happier, and you look happier. You begin to believe that you are happy...and things just don't seem as bad as you once thought. The next thing is to look in the mirror every single day and tell yourself outloud that you love yourself. It's a hard thing to do sometimes. Tell yourself that you are a beautiful woman with much love and compassion to give the RIGHT person. There were days when I would scream that stuff to myself because I hated how I looked and who I was. But I kept telling myself those things none the less. Soon I began to believe it.....and I lived it and I learned I am me.....take me or leave me...your choice. No one will make me feel less of a person unless I allow them to do so.

From this you gain a confidence in yourself. It shows inside and out and people respond to it. It will not matter one iota what your face or body looks like. They will not see it......they will only see the beautiful woman you truly are.

Hold on tight to yourself. Somewhere out there, a man who is loving and compassionate will cross your path and you will be ready to see him and he you for the true people you are.

Wishing you all the self esteem you can handle and love for who and what you are!

Hugsss
sabby