I have an elderly woman neighbor. I have been friendly to her. Something is a little cognitively off about her. But I am friendly because she deserves it. She gives me stuff sometimes that I don't ask for. I feel a bit weird about it. But I will tell you how it started: about a week and a half ago, it was raining. She was dragging a box of trash to the dumpster and looked like she was struggling. I said hello to her and told her I'd do it. We started talking and she said that she hates living there (she moved in over the winter / spring). She is very lonely. I felt for her. That sucks. I offered to take her grocery shopping sometimes if I am free. She said she likes to go to the thrift store. So I ended up taking her last Friday. She wanted to take me to get fast food afterwards. It was sort of nice.

This is about me now. I am not really sure I want to do that much. It would have to be completely on my terms, like whether I was up for it. And I feel like a jerk about that. Does that make me a jerk? I really hope not. I feel for her but I have to do me I guess. My mom said that it is not my problem if she gets upset about something like that. And that she is not my responsibility. This morning when I left to go to yoga class, I saw she'd put a crocheted thing she made on my doorknob...I went to yoga, and when I cam home, she was sitting on her porch (it faces the parking lot and I have to walk by her). She asked me if she could see me today. I said I was busy and sorry. I said thank you for the crocheted thing, and asked her if she was ok. She said yes. She said she wanted me to drive her to the thrift store today and I said I was sorry and that I was busy. I feel for her. I know I started this by taking her. It felt right at the time, but I don't want to and I haven't been feeling that great lately.

She did tell me she is lonely. I have thought about looking up senior activities for her. She doesn't drive. Maybe a bus could come and get her. I have seen those.

Also I just feel the need to say that the way she cleans her glasses...she lifts her shirt up to do it and you can see her chest. It's beyond inappropriate and I have no idea how to tell her. She did it at the yard sale we went to after the fast food last friday. She was not wearing a bra.

I would like kind responses. That doesn't mean don't tell me the truth. Thank you.

[Nammu]

How nice of you. Googling around and maybe calling 211 to find activities and transportation for her might be a good use of your time now to forestall a increased dependency on you. She might be irritated at first but I think she'd welcome it in the end as long as you still chat with her from time to time. Lonelyness is the number one problem of elderly people living alone. Most don't know where or how to find transportation and activities. Don't know what to suggest for the shirt raising

[SorryShaped]

Someone wanting to spend time with you and making an effort to do so. Even if you're not that into her, I'm a bit jealous

Thank you. I guess I felt guilty. I didn't have a ton planned today but I told her I'm busy today. I think it's ok though. I will keep being friendly with her.


Nammu, calling 211 info to ask of elderly services is a very good idea. Thank you.

SorryShaped, I appreciate your perspective on that. Sorry to make you jelly.

That was very kind of you to help her out and spend time with her. We could all be in her shoes one day BUT we all have to find our own way. You’re not obligated to spend time with her. I hope she meets some friends her age and finds some other activities.

Originally Posted by Sisabel

That was very kind of you to help her out and spend time with her. We could all be in her shoes one day BUT we all have to find our own way. You’re not obligated to spend time with her. I hope she meets some friends her age and finds some other activities.

Thank you Sisabel!! Seeing this made me happy. Perhaps I needed that validation.

[SparkySmart]

Originally Posted by KnitChick

Does that make me a jerk? I really hope not.

Oh my GOSH. You are NOT a jerk. In fact, I think you're the kindest person I've ever met. No joke. You're also refreshingly honest.

Sometimes I over-commit and then feel claustrophobic. I live in a small rural town and try to be especially considerate of elderly people, but I'm very careful not to encourage dependence because I probably would begin to resent them and would feel intruded upon. I want to come and go as I please without anyone making note of it. If I'm spontaneously generous on Monday doesn't mean I'll feel the same way on Tuesday. What's funny about this is that I myself am becoming elderly so -- whoops -- the joke is on me.

My mom is 97 years old and in a nursing home. I was just visiting her today and noticed how kind and solicitous the staff is towards the residents...ALL of the time. I mean, I don't possess that kind of patience and am in awe of people who do that for a living. Here's the thing: I'm not personally wired to deal with people that way, and I don't feel guilty or apologetic about it. I'm just grateful that I don't have to be sweet all the time (or even most of the time). I really enjoy being alone and feel that solitude is essential to my peace of mind. If someone put a crocheted thing on my door, I would probably pack up and leave. LOL

So...no, you're not a jerk. I promise.

[seesaw]

I think you can have your boundaries and help her when you are available. If she really needs something, like to go get groceries, you could always say "I'm going again on Tuesday, so you are welcome to come with me then." You don't have to go out of your way.

On the glasses thing, just tell her. "Hey, I wanted to make you aware that sometimes when you clean your glasses and you use your shirt, you lift it up quite high and your chest becomes visible." Most likely she will be a little embarrassed, and you can just say "I know I would want someone to tell me if my zipper was down or my skirt was tucked up or something." She will likely appreciate it.

Just be calm and maintain your boundaries. If she feels lonely or sad, that's not on you. You can have compassion for her, but you don't need to feel it for her. You are not responsible for her. It's amazing that you want to be helpful to her. And you may gain some friendship in that.

I moved in next to an elderly neighbor many years ago. I helped her do many things and ended up going over to her condo almost every day for drinks and dinner, that she would cook (she was an amazing cook). She is a great friend and quite a character. So, yes, her loneliness may be making her a bit clingy, but you can keep boundaries and still be a good friend if that's what you want to be.

[Deejay14]

Does your community have a senior center? They are great resources. ADA transportation? I would clue her in on the shirt thing. She may not be aware she is flashing😊 She makes get be even less aware of it because she spends so much time by herself.

It's more than okay to set boundaries with her and do for her when you want.

[Bill3]

You are a lovely person.

A possibility would be to make a schedule with her, according to what suits you. So for example if you are okay with taking her to the thrift store once every two weeks, or once a week, or once a month, whatever it is, you could arrange that with her in advance. Then she has something to look forward to and you have a boundary: The schedule is what you are able to do and it will I expect be easier to say no at other times, if she were to ask.

Hi everyone. Thanks for your responses. I have yet to really read them. I've been really stressed today so I'm taking a break from thinking lol. I do just want to update quickly. I called a number (211) about finding general information on services for the elderly, and explained my situation. The woman I spoke with said that it was nice that I cared, but that it's more up to her or her family to help her. I was kind of like, wtf, what about kind neighbors? At the same time, she does stress me out. I don't want to be the one to look after and help her. Sorry. I just don't. It's not my obligation. I think it's ok to set some boundaries, like saying "no sorry, I'm busy," but still smile and say hello. Its all I really feel able to do for her right now. I thought I could do more with driving her places. I can't. She does have people involved in her life, it seems. If at least a little.

I will respond to your posts later. Thanks again.