[Direction]

My ex still seems to have such power over me...pushing buttons, guilt, coersion, etc...

During our marriage...it was constant...now that I'm out of the marriage...less often...though sometimes she can hit the right buttons and put me in a tail spin...

Wondering what others who have been in a controlling type relationships have done?

We have three kids...so I've got to deal with her in some manner...I'm becoming more assertive...though it still takes me for a tail spin...hoping that enough assertiveness will eventually slow her behavior...looking for some more immediate ideas...things I can do today...thanks,

[_Hope_]

Sorry you are going through this.

I went through similar things when my 1st hudband and I split over 10 years ago. Since then I have learned that I just cannot speak to my ex-husband. I oly talk with his wife, fortuately we get along great.

Linda

[Perna]

Disconnect the buttons and guilt so she can push away and nothing happens.

Keep a log of some sort of what you do with/for the kids and make sure you yourself are happy with yourself in relation to your responsibilities and cares about them. You don't really owe much to your ex-wife and the more she pressures "reminds" you of how good it is to be out of there. So, try to be "happy" when she is being obnoxious :-) and even respond pleasantly as it will drive her crazy.

[Doh2007]

I found a therapist to be a big help in learning to be assertive. I wish I'd also been able to come here to PsychCentral for this wonderful support group.

Take care.

[sunrise]

Direction, my husband, from whom I have been separated for almost 1 month, is very controlling. We are forging our new relationship as separated parents of our children. It's not easy to know how to do this, is what I'm finding. This book has a lot of good suggestions:
Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Two Homes for Your Child by Isolina Ricci. One of the suggestions that we are using is to try to interact with each other as you might a business colleague. We hold weekly "business meetings" at a neutral location (in public). We each have a list of agenda items we want to go over. We discuss them and then leave. I like how I can save up things to discuss over the whole week instead of having to have more frequent contact by phone or email (and sometimes we do that too). A lot of tension is relieved by just not having to interact with him so frequently. The book says some couples might need to meet weekly, some more or less frequently. Weekly seems to be working for us right now. It is very helpful if both parents can read the book, but even if only you do, you still may find some good suggestions to share with your ex-wife.

Tonight we had our business meeting at a local coffee house. After we were done with the agenda items, my husband wanted to chit chat about how hard his job is right now. I just nodded my head but did not encourage him. The conversation ended. I have listened to this for 20 years, all about his job and I am supposed to be interested and ask questions and stuff. Has he ever shown interest in my career or asked me questions? No. Even when I had told him several times how his lack of interest hurt me. Tonight, I felt really liberated. I don't have to talk about his effing job with him! I don't have to be supportive when he is not to me! Hallelujah. I love it! Anyway, I felt like at least tonight, he was not controlling our conversation anymore. I am happy to stick to the business items.

I agree with others who have suggested therapy to learn to be more assertive. If things are really bad, go for some couples counseling. Even divorced couples need to know how to communicate and interact. (If you do this, try to find a therapist who works wth divorced couples a lot.)