[glyter15]

Hi, my name is Ariana, and I just joined the Psych Central community. I've decided to join the community on behalf of my friend. Long story short, we were in a relationship years ago, but out of the blue one day he decided to break up with me for no reason at all. 2-3 years later, we start talking again, and he tells me that he has a mood disorder, (not full-blown bi-polar disorder, but he falls somewhere along this spectrum). I still really care about him and we still talk, but from time to time he'll tell me that he broke up with me for a reason, and then we may not talk again for a couple weeks/sometimes a month. I'm just really confused as to how he really feels about me. When he's well and we talk, he tells me he loves me, but when he starts to lapse he says he doesn't want to be with me anymore and pushes me away.

Is anyway else in a similar situation? How do you know if they really do love you despite what they say? I believe he does because we still talk after 8 years of knowing each other and he disclosed his illness to me, but at times like this I start to second-guess myself.

[Bill3]

Something to consider here is whether the relationship is healthy for you, whether or not he loves you. His inconsistent behavior sounds very hard on you, and evidently his inconsistency has lasted for many years now. Perhaps there is a lot to be said for leaving this guy and looking for someone who can love you and be there for you all of the time.

[glyter15]

Hi Bill,

Thanks for the reply/advice

Ariana

[MickeyCheeky]

I agree with Bill

[Skeezyks]

Hello Ariana: I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

I think you received a solid suggestion from Bill3. You asked how you could know if this man loves you despite what he sometimes says. The short answer is... you can't. There is simply no way to know what is or isn't going on in your friend's mind. The other thing to take into consideration here, though, is you only have control over yourself & what you do. Likewise this man you have an interest in is the only person who can control what he does. (You can't save him from himself.)

You didn't mention (perhaps you don't know) whether or not this man is actively treating his condition. (You might want to ask him if you feel you can do so. If he says no, that may be a bad sign.) Being in a relationship with someone who is bipolar can be tough under any circumstances. If your friend is not receiving proper mental health care, this may only make things more difficult. And so what this may all come down to is simply... do you care enough about this man to be willing to accept all of the uncertainty & confusion being in a relationship with him may produce. Only you know the answer to that question.

Here are links to 6 articles, from PsychCentral's archives, on the subject of being in a relationship with someone who is bipolar:

The Top 5 Realities of Dating Someone With a Mental Illness

Do You Understand the Bipolar Spectrum?

What Happens to Love in a Bipolar Relationship | Bipolar Beat

Partner Diagnosed With Bipolar Disorder? 10 Truths You Need to Know

The Love of My Life has Bipolar Disorder

https://psychcentral.com/blog/6-tips...dium=popular17

[glyter15]

Thank you so much for the advice and the welcome, much appreciated!

And yes, he has been treating his condition for all the years I've known him through medication and seeing a doctor weekly for talk therapy. But I only just found out a couple of years ago after we started talking again that he had a mood disorder on the bipolar spectrum. I guess he felt ashamed and thought it would scare me away while we were dating and that's why he never told me at first?

I did go with him to a doctor's appointment once and am proud that he finally let me know what he was going through, which leads me to believe that he does love me, but when he says things like "I broke up with you for a reason", it causes me to second-guess myself. I do really love him and am willing to accept the uncertainty and confusion that comes with being in a bipolar relationship, but I just want to know what it's like. I've never known anyone else in a similar circumstance/situation, so I just want to know what to expect, or "what's normal", so to speak. I will definitely check out the links you sent me; thanks again for the help and welcome!

[Stone92]

My advice is to believe what he tells you. You can't read his mind, or control what he does. All you really know is what he tells you, and he's telling you that he is not in love with you. He doesn't want a relationship. Believe him. Please.


I know how tempting it is to believe that he'll one day change, or see how much effort you put in to knowing him, or that his problem is just x y and z... But he's telling you very clearly how he feels. It's not fair to him to write that off as his illness.


If I'm totally honest, I think you should take a break from this relationship. I don't think it's healthy to keep waiting for a change. The relationship you have in your head is based on your guesses about how he really feels, despite what he says, and healthy relationship can't be built on that.

[JJ43]

Ariana;

I just went thru a situation where out of the blue, mv ex-BF left me -- as we were planning for him to move into my place. He was depressed and suffers from dependent personality disorder. He claims the issue was age, as I am 15 years older than him.

Monday I hd counseling session with my psychologist; I am Bipolar with Borderline traits. Save for some hypomania (the good kind, lol) my Bipolar is under control. The Borderline is only partially under control. My psychologist told me Borderlines and Dependents are a match made in heaven!

Of course during our break-up conversation he told me he loved me but was concerned about 10 and 20 years from now. He has no job (I supported hims, see my thread Boyfriend is depressed and dumped me...), lives at home, and is depressed. However, another person is involved, but I don't know the details.

First, you must make an honest inventory of both of you. Be honest, even if it means being painful, or makes your Ex look bad and be honest with yourself.

Then, consider the relationship. My psychologist said good relationship end civilly without third-parties (neither left abruptly or for another person). My guess is another person was involved; people with psychological problems, other than avoidance, never leave without another person in their life.

My guess is this other person dumped him, or for whatever reason, he is unsure about this relationship and both testing the waters with you or simply seeking comfort.

Regardless, he displays the same behavior as before; nothing changed and nothing will. Why, Bipolar is a psychiatric disorder. This may be under control but he also has a psychological disorder that does not seem resolved and psychological problems are often more difficult to treat than psychiatric ones.

John

PS - what is your problems that keep you on the hook?

[divine1966]

I think it’s important to know how you feel about this arrangemt? Are you happy and enjoying it or it wears you down? I’d not worry how he feels as much as how you feel being in a middle of this ambiquity?