[Lola5]

My friend and I have been friends for over 14 years now, since we met in college. Three months ago, she got engaged. We both have really hectic work schedules so 2 days ago was the first time I had seen her since the engagement. She was telling me about wedding planning over dinner. I casually asked if they’re doing just maid of honor and best man (since they want a small wedding), or are doing a wedding party. She says the following:

“Listen, the thing is that Rob could only think of 3 friends that he wanted to be groomsmen so I could only pick 3 bridesmaids. I chose X because she’s my childhood friend and I asked Y and Z from our college. Sorry, if I had another spot, I would have definitely asked you, but I don’t. Sorry.”

I was really hurt. We took most of our classes together in college (unlike with the other two), have traveled together over the years and try to keep up on each other’s lives despite whatever craziness is happening. We’re even in the midst of planning a trip together now. For the past year, despite me being painfully single and depressed about it, every time we met up, she would inevitably take me to some jewelry store to help her look at engagement rings to narrow down what kind she wants to receive from her boyfriend (now fiance). I did it because I was happy that her relationship was moving in that direction. It’s silly, but I don’t have many friends and I always considered that she would be a bridesmaid in my wedding whenever I get married.

Also, the fact that the issue was that her fiance couldn’t think of a 4th guy to be a groomsman sounds like real BS. He has four brothers he’s close with (only one is in the bridal party as best man) and a host of cousins. If I was really as important to her as she is to me, I’m sure they could have thought of a 4th guy to “throw in there” as a groomsman. It’s not like she’s buying the bridesmaid dresses or that they cost a lot of money. The bridesmaids are each buying themselves a casual $15 dress she selected on Amazon.

[MickeyCheeky]

Sorry. It's understandable you'd feel hurt. Perhaps talk with your friend about this? Is this the first time she did something like this or has it already happened in the past?

[Bill3]

I’m really sorry for your pain.



Perhaps he felt that he could not choose one brother? Maybe if he chose one brother he would need to choose all four.

I’m sorry Lola5. To me, the part about the engagement rings is especially hard to take.

(((((Lola5)))))

[TishaBuv]

I’m sorry your friend hurt you like this.

My son is planning his wedding and tells me his bride has 7 bridesmaids, and some of them are men , and he has three groomsmen. There are no rules written in stone.

There is some reason she did not ask you to be in the wedding party, and you just don’t know it, neither can we guess.

When I got married, I met my husband with my best friend, and I told my mother I wanted to ask her to be my maid of honor. But my mother said she didn’t want her in the wedding party at all because she couldn’t stand to look at her or deal with her. It’s true, she was a throughly obnoxious person. My mother also convinced me that we need to buy the bridesmaid dresses anyway, so I should have my cousin and sisters in the wedding party. It made sense and I did not ask my friend. She was just as upset as you, I am sure.

Then, when she got married she did not invite me to her wedding at all. And all this back and forth between best friends and enemies went on until only recently, when she went so far over the line I had to defriend her for good. Yes, I know I was wrong about going with my mother’s decision. But, honestly, she was never a true friend. Anyway—

Your friend deserves a heartfelt explosion from you about how crappy that was of her to exclude you and what a nerve she had to even take you to look at rings. Should you go off on her? Probably not.

Instead, it’s probably best to keep your distance from her, attend her wedding, and show your disgust reflected in their gift.

[healingme4me]

((((Lola)))) I don't even know what to say. I'd probably send my regards with the gift. Her reply seemed rehearsed(?).
Eta: better yet a donation to a charity as a wedding gift with your regards.

[Lola5]

Thanks for the response! I'm actually starting to feel like I won't even be invited to the bachelorette party or the bridal shower. I feel like I've been an idiot all these years thinking we were close friends. It really hurts.

[Bill3]

I’m sorry.

[TishaBuv]

Gosh, has she totally distanced herself from you because she knows she hurt your feelings about not making you a bridesmaid? I’m sorry she’s turned out to not be a good friend.

Originally Posted by Lola5

Thanks for the response! I'm actually starting to feel like I won't even be invited to the bachelorette party or the bridal shower. I feel like I've been an idiot all these years thinking we were close friends. It really hurts.

I know how you feel. It really does hurt. This is the kind of thing that happens to me all the time when it comes to friendships. I’m the friend people come to when they need something but I don’t get invited to things. I have no idea how to change that. I thought being a good friend is how you make good friends. I would have expected after 14 years this friend would have valued you more than that. All I can say is I feel your pain.

[Lola5]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Gosh, has she totally distanced herself from you because she knows she hurt your feelings about not making you a bridesmaid? I’m sorry she’s turned out to not be a good friend.

I'm just ready for nothing that I expected from the friendship to actually happen. You'd think a bridal shower, bachelorette party and wedding is going to be a less "exclusive" invite, but I'm prepared for her to tell me a story about how she could only have X number of people at it so sorry, I couldn't be invited.

Originally Posted by Sisabel

I know how you feel. It really does hurt. This is the kind of thing that happens to me all the time when it comes to friendships. I’m the friend people come to when they need something but I don’t get invited to things. I have no idea how to change that. I thought being a good friend is how you make good friends. I would have expected after 14 years this friend would have valued you more than that. All I can say is I feel your pain.

That has happened to me over and over and over. I had a group of girls I was friends with in school and over the course of first year of college, they all ditched me without explanation. Stopped talking to me or inviting me to hang out with them because they remained friends amongst themselves. Same thing happened once at college where I was friends with a girl and then she abruptly cut off all contact. She called me and asked if I wanted to see a Broadway show and I agreed. I didn't hear from her for a few days and then I called her and she didn't answer. I texted, but no response. I tried the next day and nothing. She unfriended me from Facebook. I never heard from her again. There have been other instances over the years, but this is the most recent blow.

[Purple,Violet,Blue]

I'm so sorry. That's really hurtful. I'd want nothing to do with her, to be honest!

Try not to take the other incidents personally. Friendship groups are constantly changing. So many factors at play. For instance, a largish group often shrinks, for some reason, to whittle down to the people we have the maximum amount in common with, I guess.

Originally Posted by Lola5

I'm just ready for nothing that I expected from the friendship to actually happen. You'd think a bridal shower, bachelorette party and wedding is going to be a less "exclusive" invite, but I'm prepared for her to tell me a story about how she could only have X number of people at it so sorry, I couldn't be invited.




That has happened to me over and over and over. I had a group of girls I was friends with in school and over the course of first year of college, they all ditched me without explanation. Stopped talking to me or inviting me to hang out with them because they remained friends amongst themselves. Same thing happened once at college where I was friends with a girl and then she abruptly cut off all contact. She called me and asked if I wanted to see a Broadway show and I agreed. I didn't hear from her for a few days and then I called her and she didn't answer. I texted, but no response. I tried the next day and nothing. She unfriended me from Facebook. I never heard from her again. There have been other instances over the years, but this is the most recent blow.

That’s terrible. I’m really sorry. I have not had much better luck with friendships but one thing I have learned is to believe it the first time when people show who they really are. I used to let this kind of nonsense drag on, put up with bad behavior and now I distance myself quickly and keep people at arm’s length when I first see the signs of drama. The end result for me has been the same though. I have no real friends to hang out with. I hope you have better luck with your next set of friends.