So many questions

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I need advice/answers... 24 years age difference between us, he’s a widower but known each other almost 20 years, dating the past 2 1/2 years. His children didn’t like me. He cheated. I feel he manipulated the situation to his liking and used his oldest daughter as an excuse for what he didn’t want to deal with. His mother was an severe alcoholic and divorced his father in high school. He told me his marriage was more partnership, rarely had sex (2-3 times per year) but he wouldn’t leave her. Instead he cheated. She fought cancer twice, the second time she lost the battle and died in July. He started seeing me the next January, after the former mistress of around 10 years left him in December. He told me I was there for him when no one else was, no friends really reached out, he felt alone. He told me he loved me first, 7 days after he lied to me and fooled around with his first wife, but he did tell me the next evening so according to him, that counted for something. He wanted me and wanted to sneak around and hide it from me. It wouldn’t take long at all to figure him out and then was sorry, he still loved me, but I knew how he was so it was supposed to be ok. Right. Last summer he tells me, he has developed real feelings for me and changes (or so it seemed) for the better. This past Feb was his birthday and a classmate of his gave him the name and number of a friend she thought he would like. According to her and a couple of other ladies his age, no one approved of him seeing such a younger woman. I guess his reputation and ego meant more than I did because he had lunch with this woman. I found out bc he told on himself. He told me they had nothing in common, he didn’t like her, she was a prude, etc, and he wouldn’t be seeing her again. A month later he blindsides me and says he is going to start seeing this woman and can’t see me anymore. We will always be friends, we have an unbreakable bond, he will always be there for me because he’s always had my best interest in mind. Now, 6 months later, after a lot of problems, he won’t speak to me and says I am just like his alcoholic mother. I admit I called the new love interest because I wanted her to know what was really going on. That he was evidently still seeing both of us and he said she knew about me but I didn’t have a clue about her. At the initial breakup or whatever, he said I did nothing wrong and this was his fault, and continued to say I did nothing wrong, but never really would talk about anything bc he dislikes confrontation. But now I’m the one who caused all of this, he can’t trust me. This is my fault. What is going on?

What’s going on is that the guy is a player who likes to sleep around.

When someone better comes along he has no problem either cheating on a previous one or dumps her all together and he also doesn’t like to be confronted. He sounds like bad news.

Why do you think you are even considering such a man? Him cheating on his wife for 10 years (all through her illness too) kind of had to be red flag right there. It’s no surprise he later sees more than one woman and keeps them in the dark about it. He is a serial cheater

His behavior has nothing to do with age and his friends not approving him dating younger woman in no shape or form explains his behavior. Unfortunately he sounds like a total user. I call BS on “unbreakable bond”.

Are you seeing a therapist to address roots of your attraction to a man with quite low morals and tendencies to lie? If not I recommend it.

I know that I shouldn’t care at all about him at this point, but I do. I want to think at one time he really did care about me and that he didn’t just use me. He helped me get back in school and bought my house. Then on the other hand I can see that as another means of control or maybe he did it because he felt guilty about something or maybe at that time he did love me and his feelings really have just changed. I still worry about him. His current girlfriend, who is perfect and can do no wrong, is only 4 years younger and bc of the our big age difference, she called him my sugar daddy. I never thought about our relationship in that way. When I looked at him, I saw the man I loved, never seeing the age gap or anything like that. He tells me I pushed him away and it’s my fault he wants nothing to do with me, he tried to remain friends. Maybe I did. I think after everything and the way he initially handled everything, I wanted him to do what he said. He promises to be there for me and to never leave me. We would always be friends. I’m stupid for believing him aren’t I?

Straight off the bat ...the other posters are right . Your better off without this guy .. and that's from me who is normally the defender of the down trodden, mature , middle class male .
Your going to have to find a way of moving on . You've tried a few things since the break and they have only driven you and the weasle ( oh I mean guy ) further apart . Love and hate aren't opposites , they aren't all that far apart from each other . They both are strong emotions which by pass logical thinking . It's easy for one or both parties to move from one of those emotions to the other when there's a breakdown of a relationship .
It might be wise to have no contact at all until he doesn't arouse a strong emotion in you . Then possibly you can be friends if you really want that .
you need to move on to something bigger and better in your life , not grieve something that's already lost . Easier said than done I suppose , but you owe it to yourself to give it your best effort . The pain will fade once you feel apathy towards this guy , which is the opposite of love .

Do you drink heavily and do you have a problem with alcohol? Just curious why he would accuse you of being like his alcoholic mother?

Either way, he's the one who cheated, so he is at fault. This man sounds very manipulative and like HE'S the one who cannot be trusted. One can never trust a cheater. And once a cheater, typically always a cheater.

Very sorry for your pain. He's not worthy of you, though. You can do far better and find someone who is honest, decent, trustworthy and honorable. Not this shmuck.

He bought you a house? That is quite unusual. I really don’t know anyone buying someone else a house and I know well-off people. His girlfriend likely meant he was like a sugar daddy to you because of extravagant financial support he gave you, not as much age difference. Is that why his kids didn’t like you? Although he is within his rights to buy girlfriends houses but his kids might think of it differently. Do you still live in the house he bought?

It’s not realistic to believe that he will keep promises about something when it’s already known he is a liar and a cheat.

Try to move on. I see no reason worrying about him. He seems to be doing fine. Focus on your own life. You can do it

No, his kids don’t like me because we had 2 year affair many years ago (they found out it was me when we started officially dating) He was 50 and I was 23. We occasionally spoke a few times a year until until 2 years ago. Still live in the house but currently in process of purchasing it from him.
I feel very stupid because it’s not like I didn’t know how he was. I just never saw this side of him. He would do whatever and I would get upset for a few hours and outwardly let it go and keep the hurt bottled up. He would be so sorry for hurting me, etc and be so loving for a while. I saw the pattern. But I knew how unhappy he was in the marriage and I was going to show him that I wasn’t like her and I understood him. I put him first and pushed away people who were close to me. I’m right in thinking now that he really was only using me to get through whatever grief he had over losing her and building up his ego/self-esteem. I know that if I had done what I was told and never contacted the new girlfriend, he would still be seeing us both. He was doing just that to begin with. Why is it, knowing that he used me and only cared about me when it suited a purpose for him, why can’t I get over this and get on with a normal life. It’s been 6 months. He changed basically overnight towards me with no explanation or caring how he made me feel or continued to make me feel. What in the world is wrong with me that I feel like he’s right and I’m wrong for all of this when it never had to turn out this way.

Occasionally have a drink with dinner is mainly all. He said I’m like his mother because I make him feel like she did. He couldn’t control her and make her better and he couldn’t control me and I betrayed him by contacting the new girlfriend and I shouldn’t have. I realized the reason was because the things he said to each of us, especially to me, were false. He didn’t want to have to explain why he wasn’t honest.

This guy is not a winner. Don't worry about having contacted the girlfriend. You needed to do it. Just realize and know that you deserve far better. He's a manipulator. I don't like him, lol.

Oh gee. So he cheated on his wife with you too. No wonder his kids don’t like you. Well then you already knew he was a liar then.

By the way every cheater tells stories how he is unhappy in his marriage and how he never has sex. That’s a typical story. All a lie. He is pretty much serial cheater. Did he cheat on you too because you never had sex and he was unhappy? You know that’s not why he had two girlfriends at once. He likely told that story to whoever he cheated on you with.

Cheaters don’t need reasons to cheat and lie. That’s just who they are. Be glad you never married him so you don’t have to deal with divorce process. I recommend therapy to get to the roots of this attraction.

PS I’d check for STDs too. If he sleeps around he possibly not using protection. Some STDs don’t show up right away. HIV could lay there for over 10 years and one wouldn’t know.

Thanks to all for the feedback. Much appreciated.