I had a worker a year ago, who I had feelings for. When I realized I had feelings for him, and they weren't going away, I decided to make a decision. I decided to call his supervisor and ask her to take him off my case. She wanted to know why. And I couldn't get myself to tell her. I just said it wasn't a good fit. It was kind of obvious that we were though, a good fit. He was studying buddhism at a zen center. And we had that interest in common. But yeah, I couldn't deal. I was going through a tough time with other men. And it just felt so disempowering to me for him to be my worker. It felt so unequal and sucked.

So they took him off my case. I saw him only a couple times after that. Once was when I needed my check and he was the only person available. It felt awful to see him. He was very distant and left, right after giving it to me. The second time was at a movie get together. He was there, and I stayed for a short while, but had so much anxiety due to his presence, that I didn't stay long and left.

At least 50 times, lol, I've thought about contacting him, and saying I want things to be ok between us. But something stops me. I get emotional. I still like him. I fantasize about us making out. Something. I brought it up to a different worker of mine. A female. Not the feelings for him part. But yeah. She said that I should work up the courage to contact him. Something stops me though. I'm afraid.

He is leaving, maybe he even already left. He is leaving the worker job he has to live in some monastery. I heard through a different worker. I cannot get my mind off this and I don't know why. I had a dream about him last night though. And I saw a book that reminded me of him today.

My question is, would it be good to contact him? Bad? Helpful? Unhelpful? I remember back when it happened, I wanted to apologize. But my friend said "his feelings are not your responsibility." Something just feels SO unclosed though. So unfinished. What should I do? Nothing? Something? Thanks.

If you feel guilty, you could contact him and tell him the reason why you had him taken off your case. He's leaving the position anyways, so if it would make you feel better to get it off your chest, then maybe it would be a good thing to do. But if your intention is to try and start something with him romantically, then that's very different and I wouldn't encourage that at all. But I don't get the sense that that's your intention. The guilt makes sense though, if that's how you're feeling, or perhaps it's the awkwardness? Not sure?

[Bill3]

I think that golden-eve may be on to something. One possibility as to why this is on your mind is that you feel guilty for not being candid about why you asked to have him removed from your case. Presumably your calling his supervisor and asking for his removal was why he was distant. And now that he is leaving, your window of opportunity to apologize, if that is appropriate, is closing.

Do you feel guilty? If so, how much?

I wrote to him. I wrote him a letter and sent it. I don't much feel like talking about it. But I feel relieved and like its off my chest. I wasn't able to say to him outright that I had feelings for him. But I greatly alluded to it, and that was the best I could do. I wished him the best and take care and all that. I hope I did ok. I've been depressed and that may have come off in the email as wistful. I said I'd wished I'd been able to know him more and that I wanted everything to be ok with us. Regardless, I wrote it and I'm glad its off my chest.

Good, I'm glad you got it off your chest! Hopefully, you'll feel better having done that.

Originally Posted by golden_eve

Good, I'm glad you got it off your chest! Hopefully, you'll feel better having done that.

I do.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm glad you wrote a letter, I was going to suggest the same Hopefully you'll feel better now.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by KnitChick

I had a worker a year ago, who I had feelings for. When I realized I had feelings for him, and they weren't going away, I decided to make a decision. I decided to call his supervisor and ask her to take him off my case. She wanted to know why. And I couldn't get myself to tell her. I just said it wasn't a good fit. It was kind of obvious that we were though, a good fit. He was studying buddhism at a zen center. And we had that interest in common. But yeah, I couldn't deal. I was going through a tough time with other men. And it just felt so disempowering to me for him to be my worker. It felt so unequal and sucked.

So they took him off my case. I saw him only a couple times after that. Once was when I needed my check and he was the only person available. It felt awful to see him. He was very distant and left, right after giving it to me. The second time was at a movie get together. He was there, and I stayed for a short while, but had so much anxiety due to his presence, that I didn't stay long and left.

At least 50 times, lol, I've thought about contacting him, and saying I want things to be ok between us. But something stops me. I get emotional. I still like him. I fantasize about us making out. Something. I brought it up to a different worker of mine. A female. Not the feelings for him part. But yeah. She said that I should work up the courage to contact him. Something stops me though. I'm afraid.

He is leaving, maybe he even already left. He is leaving the worker job he has to live in some monastery. I heard through a different worker. I cannot get my mind off this and I don't know why. I had a dream about him last night though. And I saw a book that reminded me of him today.

My question is, would it be good to contact him? Bad? Helpful? Unhelpful? I remember back when it happened, I wanted to apologize. But my friend said "his feelings are not your responsibility." Something just feels SO unclosed though. So unfinished. What should I do? Nothing? Something? Thanks.

this isn't cut and dry really. While it is true that we aren't exactly responsible for other people's feelings, what we are responsible for is doing things that for one reason or another may have caused undue emotional stress on the other person. Although one might say we can't control how they feel about what we do, the fact remains, in your case that you had moved or had him moved for reasons other than the truth. Whether or not that made him feel a certain way, the unclosed feeling you are experiencing, I think is that you never were entirely honest to everyone about your reasons and that makes you feel as though you've deceived him. On a certain level some might agree.

You never pursued the relationship with him, it seems and if that's the case that's your right to either pursue interests or not. you're not OBLIGATED to tell anyone that you have feelings for them and sometimes it's not in the best interest of the relationship/friendship. no one knows at all what his reactions for being broken up as working together he had, it's all just assumptions.

So all we have left is what you feel, and think. You feel obligated for whatever it is you think he is feeling. You are assuming things are NOT ok with him now because of a couple of behaviors he portrayed but honestly you don't know. your lack of closure is entirely based on feelings that something is unfinished but you made a choice for whatever reason to not pursue a romantic relationship with this person. Nothing in what has happened has made you obligated to do anything, contact him, make sure you are ok as friends etc. So it comes down to the fact that this is entirely to give yourself the satisfaction or closure that your friendship is indeed "ok".

Since you've not talked to him, you saw him only a few times, and the one time you had a chance to be around him (at the movies) you bolted. You walked away and you probably should just work on being ok with your own decision.

Contacting him will likely only bring to the forefront, your feelings for him and to be honest, with your unresolved infatuation with him, I really doubt it will be a good outcome. Besides, are you sure you really want the relationship as friends to be ok? Is he someone you will hang out with going forward? Will you talk to him as a friend, regularly again? Probably not since you want to avoid falling further into the feelings you have for him. So walking away considering your resolve not to pursue is probably the best course of action.

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

this isn't cut and dry really. While it is true that we aren't exactly responsible for other people's feelings, what we are responsible for is doing things that for one reason or another may have caused undue emotional stress on the other person. Although one might say we can't control how they feel about what we do, the fact remains, in your case that you had moved or had him moved for reasons other than the truth. Whether or not that made him feel a certain way, the unclosed feeling you are experiencing, I think is that you never were entirely honest to everyone about your reasons and that makes you feel as though you've deceived him. On a certain level some might agree.

You never pursued the relationship with him, it seems and if that's the case that's your right to either pursue interests or not. you're not OBLIGATED to tell anyone that you have feelings for them and sometimes it's not in the best interest of the relationship/friendship. no one knows at all what his reactions for being broken up as working together he had, it's all just assumptions.

So all we have left is what you feel, and think. You feel obligated for whatever it is you think he is feeling. You are assuming things are NOT ok with him now because of a couple of behaviors he portrayed but honestly you don't know. your lack of closure is entirely based on feelings that something is unfinished but you made a choice for whatever reason to not pursue a romantic relationship with this person. Nothing in what has happened has made you obligated to do anything, contact him, make sure you are ok as friends etc. So it comes down to the fact that this is entirely to give yourself the satisfaction or closure that your friendship is indeed "ok".

Since you've not talked to him, you saw him only a few times, and the one time you had a chance to be around him (at the movies) you bolted. You walked away and you probably should just work on being ok with your own decision.

Contacting him will likely only bring to the forefront, your feelings for him and to be honest, with your unresolved infatuation with him, I really doubt it will be a good outcome. Besides, are you sure you really want the relationship as friends to be ok? Is he someone you will hang out with going forward? Will you talk to him as a friend, regularly again? Probably not since you want to avoid falling further into the feelings you have for him. So walking away considering your resolve not to pursue is probably the best course of action.

I admit I agree with you. I do think it was good to contact him and tell him I felt guilty. But I regret alluding to my feelings. Those were private and NOT for him to know. None of his business. Am I glad he's leaving? YOU BET.

I wonder though Sandman, why are you telling me this after I sent the letter? I'm not sure what your intentions are. It feels a bit ******. Hurtful.

I would like support with this. I think what I regret most, is writing it in the emotional state I was in. I wish I'd waited. My negative state felt so urgent.

You know what? When I wrote this on Monday night, I was feeling emotional. But I'm still glad I wrote it and sent it. I was in acceptance that it was not a perfect letter. I put it in the back of my mind that I regretted alluding my feelings. Tuesday and Wednesday felt good, kind of like glitter. I did something that scared me, and survived. Including something that I regret, and it can be a learning experience if there's ever a next time. The good thing is that I am not beating myself up. I could. I could completely be like "why did I do that? I'm so stupid." But I'm not stupid. And I know why I did it. And good things DID come from this. It was in a sense, I big secret I was harboring, and I did not like keeping it. At all. I'm proud of myself for not outright saying "I had feelings for you." And no, I was not hoping for his friendship, or for him to want to date me. I will continue to work on dealing with my strong emotions in effective ways, but this was not a failure. In a sense, it opened things for me that were good, and that I have been wanting to cultivate: self and situation acceptance, self compassion, and connection with others (not him, but my real friends and my community)! I'm going to start my day now. Have a great day.

[MickeyCheeky]

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by KnitChick

I admit I agree with you. I do think it was good to contact him and tell him I felt guilty. But I regret alluding to my feelings. Those were private and NOT for him to know. None of his business. Am I glad he's leaving? YOU BET.

I wonder though Sandman, why are you telling me this after I sent the letter? I'm not sure what your intentions are. It feels a bit ******. Hurtful.

Well I apologize that it seemed that way but the reason is because sometimes, many times actually I respond to original posts without reading through the subsequent replies and I'll admit I should at least check for the OP's further posts on the same matter but I typically like to avoid responses initially so as to reply from my own analysis alone initially at least.

Sorry it came out that way. nothing in my response would be with the intention of shaming, criticizing or trying to hurt

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by KnitChick

You know what? When I wrote this on Monday night, I was feeling emotional. But I'm still glad I wrote it and sent it. I was in acceptance that it was not a perfect letter. I put it in the back of my mind that I regretted alluding my feelings. Tuesday and Wednesday felt good, kind of like glitter. I did something that scared me, and survived. Including something that I regret, and it can be a learning experience if there's ever a next time. The good thing is that I am not beating myself up. I could. I could completely be like "why did I do that? I'm so stupid." But I'm not stupid. And I know why I did it. And good things DID come from this. It was in a sense, I big secret I was harboring, and I did not like keeping it. At all. I'm proud of myself for not outright saying "I had feelings for you." And no, I was not hoping for his friendship, or for him to want to date me. I will continue to work on dealing with my strong emotions in effective ways, but this was not a failure. In a sense, it opened things for me that were good, and that I have been wanting to cultivate: self and situation acceptance, self compassion, and connection with others (not him, but my real friends and my community)! I'm going to start my day now. Have a great day.

heck no it wasn't a failure. not even remotely. Indeed, you did something that was courageous and yes, you did survive let that be one milestone that you build off of going forward.

Sandman, I really appreciate your response, thank you.