[Katie97]

A few months ago I met this guy in uni.
I’m 21 and he’s 16 (he started at 14).
He used to live in my dorm building and we had mutual friends. He joined me one day while I was sitting to ask me for advice. Anyway we started hanging out. We got close and he was there for me for some hard times I had. At some point I started sleeping over in his room, we’d eat dinner together and then fall asleep holding hands. (Seperate beds)
Then he started acting different. He says age is just a number and gets very angry and defensive if someone calls him a kid.
I noticed he would try to pull me away from friends by talking negatively about them to me and ruining his friendships with guys that would hit on me.

He had a habit of getting angry/petty over trivial things. (e.g: if I had a guy over at my room) he would actually kick him out of my room. Tell others “I was only his.” He was kicking a dog once that I used to pet to which I got angry. He threw food on the floor once because I didn’t pay attention to him. He would get involved in my problems without my consent (e.g: deleting a chat on my phone between me and an ex friend behind my back, sending a voice note insulting a friend I had problems with.) A thing that really shocked me was when he said “I can go to the cops and get that girl in trouble by saying she molested me”. Anyway he would say if I liked a guy I should tell him first so he can research him. The day before I traveled he slept with me in my bed even though I asked him not to. And he took a photo of my head on his chest (while I was asleep) He also had bought me an expensive perfume as a “thankyou gift”.

After I travelled back he was telling me he felt depressed. I was there for him, then he confessed that he likes me. Now I had made it pretty clear that nothing would ever happen between us because 1) the age difference and 2) I only saw him as a friend. He knew that I had a history of volatile relationships and friendships (and was almost raped by my best friend) so I didn’t like to date.
After that he said he doesn’t want to be friends and blocked me. However he came back an hour later blowing up my phone with calls and texts. He sent one of his friends to convince me to reply. He said he understands and would settle to just being my friend. Everything was fine. He’d speak to me daily and send me photos/videos of his adventures and whatnot and would ask for me to do the same. (We’re in different countries) Then he planned with my one of my friends a surprise for me. He asked her to buy me a necklace with a flower and print his letter. Then he wired her the money. He knows that I don’t usually accept gifts from men but he told me I should as it was an early birthday gift. I sent him a long message thanking him. Then he would bring it up in our conversations. Once telling me the price, second telling me how much effort and time it cost him to buy it.

However I got busy with a summer job and I would reply once a day. He would send long voice notes of his day and I’d reply. Then he would force me into calling him but I’d say I wasn’t in the mood. He started getting desperate, so one day he told me he had cut his wrists because of me. I felt depressed and asked him for time and space. He didn’t respect it. He started contacting my best friends and asking them for help to fix us. I kept talking to him and trying to pretend like everything was fine. Recently one of his friends contacted me saying he has changed. That he couldn’t stop crying and wakes up in the middle of the night screaming. He also advised me to block him. Then after I spoke to him today he sent me photos of his cuts.
I don’t understand what is going on with him? I don’t think this behavior is acceptable. And I don’t know what to do

[lady411]

He sounds like a dangerous unstable friend to have. But he is definitely screaming for help which is something that you may not be able to provide for him from such a long distance. I would advice to seek out his friends to find professional help for him.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm sorry to hear this, but yes, it definitely sounds like he has some things to work on.

[mote.of.soul]

Yes. He obviously 'fell in love' with you Katie97, and even when he said he could just remain friends, it was really his way of staying in your life with the hope that your feelings for him would grow, especially after he bought you the necklace. That's my hypothesis. None of his behavior is your fault at all by the way, and he's obviously taking the rejection in quite an extreme way. That happens with people sometimes unfortunately and it's due to insecurity and immaturity on various levels. He does need counseling and proper guidance and there's really nothing you can do for him now, so just keep a solid boundary of no contact, and it's kind of a blessing that you're both in different countries now, too. You're absolutely right Katie97, his behavior is unacceptable. Also, if what has happened really begins to trouble you then consider a little counseling as well, as it could help to bring you some peace of mind through this.

[Bill3]

You might want to read a bit about emotional blackmail, which is when he brings you emotional pain if you don’t comply with his desires.

I agree that his behavior is unacceptable. My advice is to end all contact with him and block him.

[s4ndm4n2006]

you led him on, sleeping ( I realize you don't imply sex at all here) with him and holding his hand. Now you are trying to place a lot of blame on the young man for falling for you and make him out to be the doing something bad. You got involved with a teenage (and in my country, underage) child as an adult.

I'm not sure where the confusion is on your part although I can quite easily understand why he is confused now. Women that I know don't typically hold hands with a male "friend" without any interest in that male other than a father or sometimes, a sibling.

you need to walk away, leave this kid to be with friends that are also children and move on.

[WhatsNextNow]

She didn't ' lead him on '. That is very common and dangerous talk. It's saying that if a woman or girl does xyz, then she should accept that the man or boy wants abc because of it. It says that if bad things happen, she ' should have known it would; that she has only herself to blame. It's as old as time.

S4ndm4n2006, you mentioned only the holding hands, and none of the scary and awful s**t he was doing. Did you gloss over all that ?

Katie97, block him and also block anyone who's friends with him. Do not engage any more with this unstable person. He sounds very dangerous. Some might think that is exaggerating, but there are too many stories like this that don't end well. Be safe.

Block him on all fronts and block his friends too. If you keep interacting with him, it is just going to stress you out, and he is going to keep acting the way he has been. I really think it would be healthy for you and him, to cut contact. If there's someone you can talk to about him, at your University, to alert them to his behavior, like the counseling center, maybe, but really, cut contact with him and his friends. He is not your responsibility. (((Katie97)))

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by WhatsNextNow

She didn't ' lead him on '. That is very common and dangerous talk. It's saying that if a woman or girl does xyz, then she should accept that the man or boy wants abc because of it. It says that if bad things happen, she ' should have known it would; that she has only herself to blame. It's as old as time.

it says nothing of the sort. nor did I at any point imply that what he was behaving in an acceptable manner. Truth be told your statement is at best an exaggeration of what I said. If you knew me at all you'd realize that I am in no way someone that thinks in a manner that states if a woman behaves a certain way to a male that they have a right to anything. I stated that it's not at all surprising that he got the impression there was a thing. that is entirety of my point.

it seems that the whole of the responses glossed over that side of things which is why I was going out of my way to point it out.

S4ndm4n2006, you mentioned only the holding hands, and none of the scary and awful s**t he was doing. Did you gloss over all that ?

I mentioned MORE than holding hands. In most cases a female in my experience does not typically hold a non-related male's hand outside of situations calling for it (group, church, etc ). Add onto that fact that she mentioned sleeping more than once with him and holding his hand at the time. I'm not sure what world you come from but in the one I live in, that's not something platonic friends typically do.. and before you add that it does happen, I ask you to please note I said TYPICALLY. most of the people I know would think there was something going on.

And no, I didn't gloss over it. It is not acceptable to do or say the things he is doing and saying. I agree with the people who state this guy should be blocked and she needs to now get as far away as possible.

But in the end my point of what I said I stand by.

[eskielover]

She didn't ' lead him on '. That is very common and dangerous talk. It's saying that if a woman or girl does xyz, then she should accept that the man or boy wants abc because of it. It says that if bad things happen, she ' should have known it would; that she has only herself to blame. It's as old as time.

i am a female & I learned very young that when we allow certain behaviors in friendship relationships thatbwe don't want to be anything more than friendships, there is a goid chance that the other person may in the long run take it the wrong way & allow their emotions to go beyond just wanting it to be friendship.

We as women have to be responsible with the choices we make. Knowing that there can possibly be consequenses that we don't want to deal with or like means we have to be aware of the behaviors on our own part that may have encouraged them to think there was more to the relationship than what we wanted.

When behaviors & what we say are in contradiction with each other it CAN leave a very immature other person wondering & not capable of interpreting the situation correctly.

Both are responsible in situations like this. To refuse any responsibility creates a non-learning situation for future reference in life.....if you don't want a guy to be more than a friend then don't do things that will show an emotional connection beyond the friendship level & hold those boundaries solid.

It took me awhile growing up to get this concept. It was a learning experience but I had to learn to not do the things that might come across to those guys as something they might consider as encouraging more than friendship.

If I don't do anything that might encourage their feelings then ALL the responsibility is on them if they choose to feel that way.

(((((Katie97)))))

[divine1966]

I don’t think it’s wise or appropriate for 21 year old to engage in this manner with16 year old. He is too young and clearly isn’t able to process what happened and getting entangled with kids could cause your problems. legal problems, and problems with their parents. As a parent I’d find it unacceptable.

Block him and seek therapy. Therapy can help you to learn how to build friendships with adults, not kids. You could also benefit from learning how to set boundaries. If you barely know someone and aren’t romantically interested regardless of their age, but especially if they minors, it’s unwise to sleep with them in bed laying your head on their chests and hold hands or otherwise have excessive physical contacts. Please seek therapy.

And I hope there are no legal consequences of all this ( if he threatened to report someone else for molesting him, and it wasn’t even true, who knows what he can say about you with all the cosleeping you did with him etc). He is unstable Good luck.

[nicoleflynn]

By law, he is not old enough to consent to sex.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

By law, he is not old enough to consent to sex.

In some states/countries age of consent is 16 and they didn’t really have sex. But I agree with you he isn’t old enough for many things. And co-sleeping, cuddling, hand holding with a minor problem could be seen as grooming/molesting intentional or unintentional. It’s a slippery slope. Even if age of concent is 16, if the other person is 21, there is already huge imbalance in maturity level

Katie,

it sounds like you've allowed yourself to cross some important boundaries with him that are inappropriate and yes, confusing for a teenager. It seems he did fall in love with you, and yes, he is holding you hostage emotionally and is acting in unacceptable ways. What you need to learn from this is to have stronger boundaries.

It would be perfectly appropriate to reach out to a friend of his, tell that friend that his behavior is concerning and dangerous, that he has threatened suicide, and that you need to distance yourself because the relationship has become inappropriate for you and he is doing unacceptable things. Then I would block this person and not speak with him again. He should not be allowed to interfere with your friendships or relationships. And yes, the threat of suicide is emotional blackmail. So do yourself a huge favor (and him) and end the friendship.

[Erebos]

I am with sAndaman here, the OP's boundaries were lax at best, dangerous at worst.
He may have been at uni but there is no way anyone could mistake him for being emotionally mature.

There is nothing dangerous in suggesting the OP sees her own behaviour was as equAlly unhealthy as the young guy in question.
There is nothing to be gained by pretending that sharing a room with someone, sleeping holding hands, with someone who is blatantly interested...No matter what words they are saying is not giving them the wrong idea.

It's equally as important that the OP takes responsible for her actions in this.

You can't just listen to what someone says and take it as given. You must look at their actions.

I challenge anyone here to say they wouldn't have recognised boundary issues when he started going through her phone and separating her from her friends.

He even said she was his!
How much more of a clue did the OP need.

No his behaviour isn't ok, but I suspect he is very confused, because he will be seeing her actions as contradictory to her words.

Be honest, apologise that things got confused, take up your part in this, say I shouldn't have done this or allowed you to share my bed.

But you absolutely must not contact me any more, Or my friends.
Return his gift. No its or buts, return it.

A knowledge he is in love with you, and you should have been more careful with A child.
Then block and do not reply, request your friends do not pass on his messages.
All the best for the future, pay closer attention to people's actions and not their words.