The Unfriending

This is the stupidest story as to how I fell out of touch for good with my family.

My facebook friends have become embattled in their political postings. It’s very ugly and triggering for my anxiety. A week ago, a post from my niece pushed me too far. It read, “If you still support the Kavanaugh nomination unfriend me now.”

It prompted me to post on my wall about how there are real people on the other end of the computer and how my niece triggered me so bad with her bullying post. Would she (and I tagged her) really unfriend her aunt due to a slight difference of opinion over something where we have no control?

Then I deleted my facebook app and left for the evening. When I got home and read the unfortunate responses, several people commented about how family comes first and a difference of political opinion should be respected and everyone should be more civil.

My niece had commented, doubling down on her threat, and she unfriended and blocked me.

Now she lives on the other side of the country, and I never see them. I went this summer and spent time with them. They never come here. My sister refuses to visit our mother who lives near me.

So, the only contact I had with her was over facebook.

The next morning I texted my niece and said I sure don’t mean very much to her. She replied that she only dumped me on facebook and not IRL. I said that doing what she did is the same as IRL.

I called my mom to say how much I was hurt and furious over what happened. My mom just mocked me saying I must be having a bad day. “Bye Mom”. So much for her support. This is typical.

A couple days later my sister, her mother, called me to ask what was going on between my niece and me. I asked what she saw on Facebook. My sister told me about every post and comment, obviously she watched the whole thing go down and never said anything.

I ended up unloading on her, yelling at her how much that hurt, how I have PTSD and this is exactly the stuff that sets me off; how I was treated badly and no one in the family defended me. I yelled at her that they should all go F themselves.

I also told off my husband for watching the whole thing and also not defending me, also as usual. No one ever has my back.

So that’s that. I won’t hear from my mother or sister again, and certainly not my niece who is quite content with herself.

I’m not going to call them either. I’m not proud that I lost my cool and yelled at my sister. I also regret getting so triggered that I “called out” my niece. I honestly expected her to say that although we have a difference of opinion, she did not wish to unfriend her aunt. I was pretty shocked that she did and wouldn’t even undo it.

I really do have PTSD and this was really triggering for me. But nobody cares. They’ll still never speak to me again over this. They won’t even acknowledge the diagnosis anyway. I am never validated. Mom doesn’t believe in psychobabble.

C’est la vie.

This sounds like a culmination of previous conflicts you've had with your family. I'm sorry it has come to this point.

So many similar conflicts have happened. The original trauma was my mom screaming at me to eat at the dinner table as I cried hysterically and ultimately ran to my room without eating while the rest of the family watched and did nothing. I’m still fighting that battle all by myself while no one defends me.

Moving forward, I will try not to get into conflict with anyone and have no expectations of anyone.

I was enjoying my relationship with my sister over the last couple years. It’s sad this ruined it.

My husband and I analyzed what happened tonight at dinner and we think there could have been no other outcome than my niece unfriending me (unless I ignored her post) because she truly is that adamant about agree with her politics or else.

Why it hurts me is not about politics at all. It’s about that I mean so little to them.

So often I am surprised to learn people meant much more to me than I did to them.

I'm sorry that this has happened to you! I have some family member like this.

I agree!

Have you thought about seeking counselor? A place where you could vent to without being yelled at.

The therapist experience was traumatic. I’ve given up on them and they’ve given up on me. I’ve been to many. At this point, I’m afraid I am labeled a terrible therapy candidate and none of them want to see me anyway. It’s true. I’m a terrible therapy client. The last psychiatrist I saw didn’t want to take me on and recommended I try EMDR somewhere else, lol.

I am trying to just be ok by using my best judgment. I’m educating myself. I try to emulate others who are highly functional.

I’m sorry I commented at all about my niece’s post. Stupid me. I wish I wouldn’t have let her trigger me.

Next time something similar happens, I’ll remember the bad outcome that came from this and I’ll walk away.

Honestly, this incident doesn’t make any difference anyway. I really had no involvement with this family. I don’t see them. My mother upsets me 8 out of 10 times. While it felt nice to have a sister to chat with weekly, without it what have I really lost?

I am sorry you are hurting

Some of my family have very opposing political views and very different than mine. I completely avoid political discussions with them because it likely will end bad one way or the other. In my experience arguing politics with family or in fact anyone is a disaster.

I am also terrified of Facebook because all I hear is how much drama it’s causing. Honestly

i hope you make up with them at some point. Could you completely avoid Facebook and most certainly avoid political posts?

I hear people say that Facebook makes keeping up with family easier but I just don’t see how. My daughter actually lives on a different continent and we talk every day, we both work full time, have busy lives and time zone difference yet we talk daily (if not call or face time then text), we don’t need Facebook to be a family. Could you find different ways of keeping up with family?
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Has this experience changed your feelings about the Kavanaugh nomination?

The Kavanaugh nomination i think has more of a direct affect on people esp women of child-bearing age, which may be why your niece made her feelings about it known and indirectly asked for support, since i would presume she is likely to be one of that group.

She didn't ask for support; she demanded support.

But she did it on Facebook. Why give so much power to Facebook? Enough power to lose family over it? If she called her aunt and directly said “aunt I think you support this candidate and because of that I never want to see you again”.

But that’s not stat happened. She posted something on Facebook that has nothing to do with family. That’s what I am saying. Why give social media control over your own family life? If social media is triggering and causes family issues, get off it.

I don’t understand what Kavvanaugh nomination has anything to do with it. My blood boils over what’s going in in the US right now. Yes nomination of Kavvanaug is yet another symptom of disease. But I am not willing to lose my family over awful political climate in the country and different political affiliations. Political climates come and go but family stays. Unless of course we let social media interfere with family ties.

Facebook became so upsetting, I hid all those recent posts and have not gone back on it since this incident last week. At least 50% of the friends were ranting their political hatred for one party or the other. The fighting on their posts was too upsetting for me. I mostly scrolled swiftly past it, giving likes to the feel-good cat videos or the nice posts from friends traveling the world, etc...

I regret letting my niece’s post trigger me to responding. I honestly thought I’d get a reasonable response from her and am shocked I got what did happen.

Obviously, my sister is offended that, while reminding her I have PTSD and telling her “F you” (which was really just a base way of saying “you really hurt me”), she blew me off and really won’t call me again, certainly not with an apology. I won’t apologize either. I do regret my resort to curse words, but I don’t regret defending myself, and she had it coming.

I am the least political person! I don’t have any say in Kavanaugh’s nomination. To me, this was about what do I mean to my family.

I don’t have any private phone relationship with my niece. The only way I do know her is to see her posts through facebook.

This disowning, silent treatment behavior is an abuse tool perpetuated by my mother who has done this to me any time she doesn’t like anything I do or say.

Abandonment in my family truly is this simple and permanent and over absolutely nothing. Then, when they want something from me, they’ll call and try to act like nothing ever happened. I’m done with that BS.

I'm sorry to hear that about the therapist. I had a some problem myself with therapist.

I really don’t interact with people much on Facebook. I unfollow most of the people on there and just follow the news and a few private groups I am in. Maybe you can just limit your Facebook to things that don’t trigger you. As far as family goes, it doesn’t sound like yours has changed or wants to change... I’m sorry they’ve been so inconsiderate of your feelings. My family is the same way. I hope you can find more supportive groups to talk with and socialize with and maybe after things cool off with your family... just keep things superficial and at a distance with them? ❤️

It’s been a week. My mom hasn’t called me. Neither has my sister. My niece certainly won’t call me either. I don’t plan to call any of them. So now it’s the silent treatment.

I don’t know if this is a symptom of OCD or what, but I keep playing scenarios in my head of my mom or sister eventually calling me, for what reason that might be, and what they might say. I rehearse how I would respond. I don’t want to have another fight where I blow up, but I don’t want to lose face and act like they will want me to act, giving in to them, as though nothing happened. So, in each scenario, the mad does not dissipate, the relationship does not repair. I don’t see that happening, much as I would like that. The only way it would, is if I am acknowledged and treated with respect, and that ain’t gonna happen.

Yes, I do take this so far as a scenario that my mom calls to tell me my dad died, and I say, “I’m sorry for your loss” and blow her off. Yes, I know I must sound totally narcissistic in this. It’s narcissistic injury, I know, I know. It is what it is.

She’s 34 and never wants to have children. I understand she has her passionate political views, but to end a relationship with your relative with whom she does know personally over a political event that she has absolutely no say in???

BTW- My other sister, who at least defended me in the OP saying I was the least political person she knows, says she only cares about what directly benefits her. I can take that same attitude as well. I can step away from this whole family and just respond with just as selfish a stance.

We really ain’t no Norman Rockwell painting, for sure!

Sure, I should have ignored her post and just gotten off fb. Instead, I posted a couple inflammatory posts myself “calling her out”. I really thought I’d get a response of “not you, auntie”. Instead I got unfriended.

Now I am sure she hasn’t given it another thought. She truly does not care about me. But I am obsessing about it for over a week now and probably forever. I am that hurt about this. I told my family I am that hurt about this. They choose to invalidate me and ignore me. Oh well...

I’m practicing radical acceptance. My family truly doesn’t care. There’s nothing I can do to change what happened. This happened. It is what it is. I am so hurt they don’t love me because I loved them.

Maybe in my insecurity, I went to test their love and got my azz kicked. Maybe everyone will eventually show me they meant more to me than I did to them.

I’m hating myself over how I am depressed and obsessed. I am coping, using the DBT Handbook. It’ll be interesting to see how long I am going to be in a funk over this.

It’s true my family does not care about my MI or have any compassion for me. I have to live my life and move on from that, accepting it.

I have to not push away the others in my life.

Here’s something someone just posted on fb. I gave it a like.

Please don't hate yourself. You have a very challenging family situation! Like you wrote:So, in each scenario, the mad does not dissipate, the relationship does not repair.

I haven't personally experienced a NPD parent, but I've seen a friend go through therapy about that and some of what you describe. It's very tricky, deep abandonment and the complications of emotional reactions and what spins off of that.

Good for you practising self-care with the DBT book. Ya, that's a positive step in all the turmoil - please tell yourself how cool that is instead of hating.

What I'm learning to do is to take holidays from self-hate, just to say I will love myself for a few minutes, one hour, I will try not hating myself just for one day. Be kind. Slow down.

That is really nice.

That great advice! I wish that I had thought about that myself!

Sometime the best thing to do is to walk away from toxic people even if they are family.