I've known this person for over half my life. I've cared for him deeply. I dont want to drudge up the whole story, but a few years ago he did something that really triggered me. He basically used me for his own purposes and then tossed me like garbage. There was a lot of drama and ups and downs. I ended up pretty messed up from it all and he was seemingly unscathed.

2 years no contact and I decided to Google him. He's out there with a post talking about how people should have more sympathy for toxic people. It ends up making people with personality disorders out to be monsters. Hes acting like the nice guy.

So I sent him a message saying how he hurt me, about my mental health stuff and telling him that he was toxic for me. Basically before you go preaching, look in the mirror. Communication was cut off.

Now I just feel a seething rage/hate for him. I am hurt that I feel everything so deeply and he feels nothing at all. He talks of compassion and has shown none. He looks perfect to everyone.....except all the people who saw what I went through.

I dont want to hate him. I dont want to feel anything towards him. I want to move on. However here I am up at midnight ruminating about the whole situation. Clearly step 1 is committing to not Google him ever again. I know with time the hatred will fade, but I've only ever hated one person before in my life. It took me over a decade before I wasnt angry whenever I thought of him. I want to speed this process up.

How do I forgive someone who isnt sorry? How do I release this anger and hurt? How can I make peace with the situation? Specific tips would help me so much. I am not good with emotional stuff.

[Wild Coyote]

This is a tough one.

Forgiveness frees you even though he show no remorse.
Any chance you can forgive for your own sake?

I would stay away from him, at least for now.

Take care of you.


WC

[xiximmxi]

I totally feel you on this...

The fact that the other person is probably living the life, never thinking twice about how much pain they have caused and I am over here reflecting, thinking what I could've done differently - that just drives me even more insane.

I hope we can forgive eventually, not so they'll be relieved of guilt but for us to move on and move forward.

[divine1966]

I don’t think you need to forgive, but you just accept that some people are nasty and we all come across nasty people one way or the other. You could move on by rejoicing that this nasty person isn’t in your life and you don’t have to see him ever again. You could see positive in that situation: whatever he is doing or posting isn’t part of your current life.

Here are some things that have helped me:

When ruminating: getting out all my anger on paper, in a journal, or writing pretend hate notes to the one who did you wrong

Talk to friends about it

Get out and do fun things, enjoy your life

Realize that this person is not a good person, that you deserve far better treatment, and seek out those who will treat you best

Keep enjoying your life and do things that will make you feel better

Thank you all. Great advice. I think I'm going to start by getting back into kickboxing. I'm aiming for a combination of physical and emotional release. I'm struggling to learn how to process emotions in a healthy way, but I'm sure trying.

[Bill3]

I think that both a short run and longer run response would be helpful.

When the emotions come up, note that with interest, not judgment. Think “Oh, you are back again.” Look at them like a curious, nonjudgmental scientist would.

Have a plan for what to do when you find the emotions strong and/or you are ruminating. This plan would be some things that you can always or almost always do in the moment. It could for example be to meditate briefly: Stop. Take a gentle breath. Notice something with one of your senses. Have several of these in mind. Repeat as needed.

Write them on an index card and keep them with you.

In the longer run, making yourself stronger and healthier will make it easier to forgive. The more you have going for you, the less concerned you likely will be with negativity from the past. So I see kickboxing for example as a good idea, not only for release, but to help get closer to your most genuine, strong, healthy self.

Originally Posted by KissTheRain

Thank you all. Great advice. I think I'm going to start by getting back into kickboxing. I'm aiming for a combination of physical and emotional release. I'm struggling to learn how to process emotions in a healthy way, but I'm sure trying.

I have found that physical exercise is a great outlet for my emotions. I have walked and hiked and biked my way through many, many problems and emotions. Time is a great healer. It will take time to feel better after this ordeal. I agree with the healthy outlets in the mean time. And positive self talk as you work through it. People say forgiveness is for the one doing the forgiving more than anything. I agree with that. But forgiveness doesn’t mean a free pass for that other person to do it again. ❤️

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by KissTheRain

I've known this person for over half my life. I've cared for him deeply. I dont want to drudge up the whole story, but a few years ago he did something that really triggered me. He basically used me for his own purposes and then tossed me like garbage. There was a lot of drama and ups and downs. I ended up pretty messed up from it all and he was seemingly unscathed.

2 years no contact and I decided to Google him. He's out there with a post talking about how people should have more sympathy for toxic people. It ends up making people with personality disorders out to be monsters. Hes acting like the nice guy.

So I sent him a message saying how he hurt me, about my mental health stuff and telling him that he was toxic for me. Basically before you go preaching, look in the mirror. Communication was cut off.

Now I just feel a seething rage/hate for him. I am hurt that I feel everything so deeply and he feels nothing at all. He talks of compassion and has shown none. He looks perfect to everyone.....except all the people who saw what I went through.

I dont want to hate him. I dont want to feel anything towards him. I want to move on. However here I am up at midnight ruminating about the whole situation. Clearly step 1 is committing to not Google him ever again. I know with time the hatred will fade, but I've only ever hated one person before in my life. It took me over a decade before I wasnt angry whenever I thought of him. I want to speed this process up.

How do I forgive someone who isnt sorry? How do I release this anger and hurt? How can I make peace with the situation? Specific tips would help me so much. I am not good with emotional stuff.

The first question statement I have is to have you ask yourself, if your desire is to forgive this person, why did you contact and confront him with how he hurt you in the past to convince him he was wrong? There is nothing in forgiveness that has to do with proving yourself to someone or making them know you offended them. Forgiveness is to write off the offense and simply let it go.

After 2 yrs you have hung onto something that has bothered you otherwise you would not have googled this person and then confronted them. This is more about you coming to terms with the fact that the offensive nature of the relationship is the past. It is done, over and nothing but your clinging to the offense has kept you from realizing and enjoying the freedom from the relationship. No, this is not about that we will completely forget the bad things that happen to us but the compulsion to actually seek out this person says that it's not just a bad memory but although you state that you're only now ruminating about it, I believe you have been at the very least doing so from before you even contacted him again. It's to the detriment of your own peace of mind to hang onto this. Let it go. Let his offense go, let him go.

Especially now. You've made your point with him and although I don't think he will or would have ever seen your side, you've been able to voice your thoughts. It was never going to be something that he backed down from or admitted to doing wrong to you. He made that clear in his post that you talked about and that prompted you to contact him. You can't change him, only you. So take care of you and just let it go. focus on what you can do to be a better person however that may be.

Hope this helps.

[Fuzzybear]

I really struggle with forgiving people who were good friends (or I thought they were) and who show no remorse. I don’t know the answer.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by KissTheRain

I've known this person for over half my life. I've cared for him deeply. I dont want to drudge up the whole story, but a few years ago he did something that really triggered me. He basically used me for his own purposes and then tossed me like garbage. There was a lot of drama and ups and downs. I ended up pretty messed up from it all and he was seemingly unscathed.

2 years no contact and I decided to Google him. He's out there with a post talking about how people should have more sympathy for toxic people. It ends up making people with personality disorders out to be monsters. Hes acting like the nice guy.

So I sent him a message saying how he hurt me, about my mental health stuff and telling him that he was toxic for me. Basically before you go preaching, look in the mirror. Communication was cut off.

Now I just feel a seething rage/hate for him. I am hurt that I feel everything so deeply and he feels nothing at all. He talks of compassion and has shown none. He looks perfect to everyone.....except all the people who saw what I went through.

I dont want to hate him. I dont want to feel anything towards him. I want to move on. However here I am up at midnight ruminating about the whole situation. Clearly step 1 is committing to not Google him ever again. I know with time the hatred will fade, but I've only ever hated one person before in my life. It took me over a decade before I wasnt angry whenever I thought of him. I want to speed this process up.

How do I forgive someone who isnt sorry? How do I release this anger and hurt? How can I make peace with the situation? Specific tips would help me so much. I am not good with emotional stuff.

I wish that I could give you a hug. I'm sorry that you are struggling right now. Block this person and go a different direction if you cross path and warn people who don't know him

[eskielover]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

I really struggle with forgiving people who were good friends (or I thought they were) and who show no remorse. I don’t know the answer.

Forgiving someone has nothing to do with them showing remorse.....it doesn't even have to have anything to do with interfacing with them. It is all about realizing they are who & what they are, accepting it & letting go of the hurt. It doesn't mean you forget the hurt & protect yourself from being hurt by them again but it is about letting go of the bad effect you continue to experience until it is let go of.

I have forgiven my EX of tje financial harm he has done to me.....I can't fix or change it.....it is over & done with but I sure wouldn't be foolish enough to ever get involved with him for any reason ever again.....but I can work with him & even have plesant conversations with him & I care about him as a person....which it wasn't like when I left him. I was seeing red any time we had anything to do with each other & I honestly think I hated him when I left him.....forgiveness has given ME peace....it has norhing to do with what the relationship was & it doesn't fix that past relationship.....but life can go on from there.....it is just different.