Unrequited Love

Maybe it's not love and more like a crush. I met this girl 18 years ago when she was hired as a Manager-in-Training at a restaurant where we worked. When I first met her, I thought she was very pretty, but didn't have any feelings for her. A about a year and a half later, she transferred back to the restaurant I was at as the bar manager. A while after, a staff member was fired for, allegedly, spreading rumours about people. One of the things that was said was that I was taking pictures of this girl and obsessing over her and stuff. I don't think she heard about, or if she did, she may have just dismissed it, and she never brought it up. Soon after, seemingly overnight (long story that I won’t get into), I developed feelings for her. It was like I couldn't stop thinking about her for the longest time. I was always so scared and nervous around her because I didn't know what to say or do.

Eventually, she was transferred to another store, but I would still see now and again when I would visit. I remember being so upset about it too, though I eventually got over it. A couple of years later, her store was robbed at knifepoint. I remember feeling so awful for her. I actually baked a batch of Christmas Cookies that she liked and I brought them to her to feel better.

We kept in touch over time when we went our separate ways. I would sometimes see her at the restaurant she would be managing, and through Facebook and Messenger. When her Mom passed away due to ALS, I went to the wake and gave my condolences to her and her husband. I think she really appreciated me coming all the there (about a 45 minute-1 hour drive) and she gave me a hug (which caught me off-guard a bit). A couple of years ago, she moved about 5 hours away to accept a new job.

This past April was the 20th anniversary of the restaurant we used to work at together. I made a Facebook post about it and tagged her and other alumni. Some of us talked about doing a reunion but it never came to fruition due to people backing out at the last minute, and not to mention a tornado warning. Her and I talked about it and other things as well.

Ever since then, I’ve had these feelings for her come up again. Every time I see she’s online (as well as other girls I like) I almost feel a tear in my eye. I want to say something, but I’m always too scared to because I can’t think of anything to say. I hate feeling this way about her. I just want to be friends with her and be able to visit and hang out with her. I’ve always known that she was in a relationship with (who I know pretty well too) and never tried to hit on her. I wish I could tell her how I feel, but I can’t. I don’t want that kind of relationship with her, even if she was available since I care about her too much and I’m sure she cares about me too. The last thing I want to do is make her feel uncomfortable, and ruin what friendship I do have with her. I never told her about that rumour out of fear she would find out how I feel about her. I remember telling some female co-workers about the rumour and they said I should’ve told her about it.

I have always admired her positive attitude, her love of life, and how she worked hard to land her job that she loves. I wish I was able to have a positive outlook like her. I was hoping she could help me in that department. I really miss seeing her. I just don’t know what to do about having feelings for someone who I don’t want to have feelings for.

I think many people have feelings for others they don't want to have feelings for. The problem is: feelings do whatever they want to, whether it's good for us or not. For what it's worth, I was once told if something is meant to happen, nothing will stop it from happening. And...if something is not supposed to happen, nothing you do will make it happen. In other words, these types of situations are beyond our control. So, what you need to do is to distract yourself from your own feelings. I'm not sure how you would do that though. I'm sorry this is happening and I understand your pain.

I'm sorry. Love can be painful. The only thing to do in this kind of situation is to move one, but it's never easy.

I think this would be so much easier to deal with if she just hated my guts . She was so much fun to be around too, almost like a big sister. She used to give the biggest hugs too, when I was feeling down. I do miss seeing her.

((((thekingof8))))