[Cacticat]

Let me start by saying we've been together for about 4 years and married for two. We have a child. We have a regular sex life. We talk about everything. We have a good marriage.

With that being said, I've had this strange fear of marrying someone gay before even meeting him. I think this is related to knowing someone this happened to and he wasn't honest about it.

Possible trigger:

After the marriage they didn't have sex and she committed suicide a year later. It's a tragic story.

My husband and I do have sex as I've said. He really likes female bodies. However I was his first girlfriend/sex partner etc. Yesterday he told me sometimes he fantasizes about kissing male colleagues despite not actually wanting to do this. I trust him and I don't think a day dream or a fantasy make someone gay, however due to the above I'm just kind of all anxious about this now. At the same time, I want to support him and not be someone he can't open up to. I'm happy he trusted me enough to tell me. I don't even actually think he's gay. I'm just anxious about it. How can I relax and think rational about this? Thanks.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Cacticat: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral.

I don't know as there is a lot I can tell you with regard to your concern. (Hopefully other more knowledgeable members, here on PC, will read your post & reply.) What I can tell you is that, nowadays, fewer people think of sexual orientation as simply being one thing or the other... straight or gay. We've come to realize that sexual orientation occurs on a continuum with straight & gay perhaps being at the opposite ends of the spectrum. (At least that's the way I've come to perceive it.) And many of us, perhaps most of us actually, fall somewhere in between the two ends of the spectrum.

So, in your husband's case, perhaps he's very close to the straight end of the spectrum. But perhaps there's just a twinge of gay interest within his make up as well? (I don't know of course. I'm just speculating here.) I don't think that would be unusual. And it doesn't mean he's going to suddenly come roaring out of the closet & announce he's gay & wants a divorce. Chances are it just means he's pretty darn normal... & perhaps a bit more honest & open than most men are. It could also be, though, that the thoughts your husband mentioned having are simply idle thoughts that are really of no particular significance at all. I do think it would be possible to attach way more significance to this than it perhaps deserves.

You mentioned you had a fear of marrying someone who is gay before you met your husband possibly as a result of knowing someone whom this happened to. Although I don't know a lot about it, from what I've read here on PC, there does seem to be such as thing as homosexual OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). I've read a number of posts here written by members who felt they were struggling with this. Perhaps simply the fact that you knew the person you knew, whose marriage ended so tragically, caused you to develop a bit of an obsession with regard to marrying someone who is gay? This might be something that would be worth delving into with the help of a mental health therapist should you have an interest in pursuing it. Beyond that, though, I think the other thing that may be important here may be for you & your husband to continue talking about it when the opportunity arises so that it doesn't become something you ruminate over.

Here are links to 5 articles, from PsychCentral's archives, on the subject of successful marriages:

5 Secrets to a Successful Long-Term Relationship or Marriage

Marriage Communication: How Does It Work?

Marriage Myth: Communication will Solve All Your Problems

7 Small & Simple Habits for a Happy Marriage

11 Hints for Resolving Relationship Irritations

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by Cacticat

Let me start by saying we've been together for about 4 years and married for two. We have a child. We have a regular sex life. We talk about everything. We have a good marriage.

With that being said, I've had this strange fear of marrying someone gay before even meeting him. I think this is related to knowing someone this happened to and he wasn't honest about it.

Possible trigger:

After the marriage they didn't have sex and she committed suicide a year later. It's a tragic story.

My husband and I do have sex as I've said. He really likes female bodies. However I was his first girlfriend/sex partner etc. Yesterday he told me sometimes he fantasizes about kissing male colleagues despite not actually wanting to do this. I trust him and I don't think a day dream or a fantasy make someone gay, however due to the above I'm just kind of all anxious about this now. At the same time, I want to support him and not be someone he can't open up to. I'm happy he trusted me enough to tell me. I don't even actually think he's gay. I'm just anxious about it. How can I relax and think rational about this? Thanks.

Talk to him about it and let him know your fears. Likely even if he can't do anything to quell your fears at the very least it will bring you both together by communicating feelings.

No hetero man fantasizes about kissing other men.. none that I know of at least. I have never heard of a straight man fantasizing in this way -- it grosses them out, even the thought of it. He could be bi. Sorry, but I don't think he is just hetero.

[Inthesameboat]

I would confront him openly without judgement. Two of my gay cousins married and had children only to divorce and marry men!! Its hard to say, but I do wish you the best!

[healingme4me]

I agree about sexuality being on this continuum. The fact that your husband is still active with you despite his fantasy/curiosity speaks to that, in my mind.

I knew of a distant family relatives years ago, I think by marriage where if I was to rethink it in 2018 terms, I'm thinking there was trans sexuality involved. They divorced but remained under the same roof and had a loving family, kids together and everything.

I don't believe that people just become [trigger/]suicidal [trigger] because a spouse stops being their spouse. Certainly, there could have been other factors involved.

I can imagine the fear of losing what you have together, marriage and dreams, is pretty frightening.

[divine1966]

He could be bisexual. It doesn’t mean he’ll go cheat on you. And there is nothing wrong with people being bisexual BUT What’s concerning though that he says it now. If he had interest in men he knew it for awhile/always and why didn’t he say something? He only now started liking men? Really? It doesn’t work this way

My daughter is bisexual, she had about equal number of partner of both genders, including long term cohabitating relationships/marriage with both genders. When she meets potential dating partners, she immediately informs them of her sexuality. Like on a first date. No one had issues with that so far but she is aware that some might object and they have rights to do so that’s why she says right away.

I also have to say that there might be a reason your husband is sharing it now. I’d talk to him more. But if my husband told me he likes men NOW few years after marriage I’d likely divorce him. In my opinion if he likes men I’d need to know on the first date not years later.

[MickeyCheeky]

He could be bisexual... He's not necessarely hiding it from you, perhaps he just didn't have a chance to explore his other side. I think you should talk to him about this. After all, he seems pretty open about it.

[Carmina]

I tend to see sexuality as a complex set of continuums influenced by equally complex forces rather than a rigid set of neat little unmalleable boxes people just happen to fit into due to biology. I myself have a history of all hetero relationships, and have fathered a child and despite difficulties with sex due to abuse have sometimes enjoyed it under the right circumstances although my shyness has made it hard to initiate relationships. However I do also find some men very attractive (although I have not had sexual experience with men) and because of that tend to describe myself as somewhat pansexual and fluid so I do think it is entirely possible for other people to be like me, capable of being occasionally attracted by the same sex even if not acting on it.