[Baileysaway]

I had such success with a problem that I posted about before from here - I seek help again!

So my head is all backwards! I could do with advice/opinions anything to straighten my head out and help me make the right decisions.
I'll provide some intimate background about me- I dont mind being brutally honest about myself and my life.
So I'm 31, and the way I see it my relationship history goes like this - I was loose until 21, then I met a girl I was serious about, but she was awful and I had my heart broken. (Cheated, lied etc). Anyway I initially became resentful to women but engaged in relationships and went through a cycle of dependency, never really taking a break from relationships until about two years ago I hit a wall of depression from not being comfortable with who I was with - a rebound relationship that went too far and despite my doubts, we had kids together and it wasn't until I felt trapped and guilty for not truly feeling like I loved her - I became unhappy and she figured it out. I felt better for being honest about my emotions and I didn't engage in anything romantic for a long time- taking a break to figure all this stuff out! The mother of my children is a wonderful person and we have a great relationship despite the hurt I caused her.
So... It had been over a year since we split - and I felt like I could at least start dating - just for company - wanting to avoid anything serious.
I had a few flings - nothing too exciting and I was clear with my boundaries and the definition of keeping it exclusively physical. Anyway, I'm in this phase for a couple of months - feeling more like myself again for what could be the first time in a decade and I meet someone who has totally blown my mind.
I actually feel as though I fell in love with her the moment I met her - and that I haven't had any control of this or my feelings, although I don't really believe in It, it does feel like fate/destiny etc. All the awfully cheesy platitudes that I can't help because I'm constantly excited to spend time with her and I think about her constantly.
I knew pretty early on this is how I've felt- but now it's tearing me up as I want to tell her, I feel as though I'm keeping it from her. The worst bit is that I don't know if telling her would jeopardise what we have as she wants to take it steady - but I'm a single parent who doesn't want to make the same mistake twice so I feel like we are on the same page there. However she has had some awful past relationships where she has been manipulated and mistreated to the extreme- she looks at me with skeptism sometimes and I don't know if just telling her would help her understand what I feel is true, not something I feel I could experience twice, and not with someone else, or will she see it as I'm trying to manipulate her into being attached to me to implement some form of control. Which I know the latter isn't true, I want her to stay just how she is and I don't want to change her that's for sure!
I was wondering if anyone has known anything like this- should I tell her or not?

Particularly- is it possible or sound ridiculous to fall in love with someone when you first meet them?
When is it right to tell someone? (For clarity in past relationships I've always felt like I've been saying I love you too as a reply rather than a declaration)
As she keeps her distance because she's insecure of being hurt again- should I be wary of being too intense or find a method to be patient?

Thanks for reading, I appreciate any reply or insight, and take it easy, life is beautiful !

[xiximmxi]

Hello

(Warning: I have no idea if this will be useful to you...)


What's the worst thing that can happen? Being told "no?"
It is true when people say you have to love like you've never been hurt before. You can't carry past mistakes and hurt into your next relationship, otherwise it will never work out. You have to put everything on the line and give it your all.

But listen to your gut is telling you... Is this person on the same page as you? Are her "walls" soft enough for you to break down with patience, support and effort without breaking yourself? Would you regret not sharing your feelings or sharing your feelings more?

In my humble opinion - I don't think you can truly love someone without sharing many thoughts, feelings and/or experiences (physical or non-physical) together. So no, I do not believe you can be madly in love with someone when you first meet them other than being sexually attracted.

Don't get too excited or anxious about this. Just enjoy this phase where it's full of butterflies and be her friend if you really care about her. Love isn't always about being their "bf," it's about being there for someone regardless of your relationship status.

Originally Posted by Baileysaway

I had such success with a problem that I posted about before from here - I seek help again!

So my head is all backwards! I could do with advice/opinions anything to straighten my head out and help me make the right decisions.
I'll provide some intimate background about me- I dont mind being brutally honest about myself and my life.
So I'm 31, and the way I see it my relationship history goes like this - I was loose until 21, then I met a girl I was serious about, but she was awful and I had my heart broken. (Cheated, lied etc). Anyway I initially became resentful to women but engaged in relationships and went through a cycle of dependency, never really taking a break from relationships until about two years ago I hit a wall of depression from not being comfortable with who I was with - a rebound relationship that went too far and despite my doubts, we had kids together and it wasn't until I felt trapped and guilty for not truly feeling like I loved her - I became unhappy and she figured it out. I felt better for being honest about my emotions and I didn't engage in anything romantic for a long time- taking a break to figure all this stuff out! The mother of my children is a wonderful person and we have a great relationship despite the hurt I caused her.
So... It had been over a year since we split - and I felt like I could at least start dating - just for company - wanting to avoid anything serious.
I had a few flings - nothing too exciting and I was clear with my boundaries and the definition of keeping it exclusively physical. Anyway, I'm in this phase for a couple of months - feeling more like myself again for what could be the first time in a decade and I meet someone who has totally blown my mind.
I actually feel as though I fell in love with her the moment I met her - and that I haven't had any control of this or my feelings, although I don't really believe in It, it does feel like fate/destiny etc. All the awfully cheesy platitudes that I can't help because I'm constantly excited to spend time with her and I think about her constantly.
I knew pretty early on this is how I've felt- but now it's tearing me up as I want to tell her, I feel as though I'm keeping it from her. The worst bit is that I don't know if telling her would jeopardise what we have as she wants to take it steady - but I'm a single parent who doesn't want to make the same mistake twice so I feel like we are on the same page there. However she has had some awful past relationships where she has been manipulated and mistreated to the extreme- she looks at me with skeptism sometimes and I don't know if just telling her would help her understand what I feel is true, not something I feel I could experience twice, and not with someone else, or will she see it as I'm trying to manipulate her into being attached to me to implement some form of control. Which I know the latter isn't true, I want her to stay just how she is and I don't want to change her that's for sure!
I was wondering if anyone has known anything like this- should I tell her or not?

Particularly- is it possible or sound ridiculous to fall in love with someone when you first meet them?
When is it right to tell someone? (For clarity in past relationships I've always felt like I've been saying I love you too as a reply rather than a declaration)
As she keeps her distance because she's insecure of being hurt again- should I be wary of being too intense or find a method to be patient?

Thanks for reading, I appreciate any reply or insight, and take it easy, life is beautiful !

I sounds to me the best thing you could say is what you want to say, but say it in a way that will me her at ease. If I was her, as you describe her, I'd want to hear this:

________________________________________________________

I'm grateful to have you in my life. None of us get to know what's coming in the future. But I want you to know, I appreciate you, for who you are. And let's just see what the future brings. The best relationships are built over time.

_______________________________________________________

You can see the message above is: I care about you a lot and appreciate you. But I know trust, love, commitment and bonding takes time. Regardless of where we end up, I'm grateful to have you in my life, for however long that is.

That's the message you will be conveying to her. If it was me, this would give me great comfort and hope. But then you have to deliver on that message too.

This way she knows you care, but doesn't have to leap into a huge position of trust before she's ready.

I have EAS (early attachment syndrome) and I have more than once told women that I loved them at a time they felt was inappropriately early in the relationship, typically 45 minutes after first meeting them. Apparently it's a red flag. Sometimes sharing your feelings doesn't work out.

[BadWolfC]

It isn't impossible... I fell in love with someone at first sight, and I still love him even though I know that I don't have a chance with him. But I would be careful how much you say if she is uneasy. That was where I screwed up most. I said too much too soon, and it overwhelmed him because he's been hurt in the past, and he's been alone for a long time because of it.

I hope that is works out for you. It may seem like you need to tell her everything right now, but you need to take her feelings into consideration too. Just try to be patient, and be careful.

[divine1966]

To truly love someone you need to really know them which takes longer than seeing them once.

Intense connection/chemistry we sometimes feel meeting a person could feel like love. But it can’t. It’s a response, oftentimes response to familiar. And often that familiar is unhealthy attachment to people who are wrong for us. Our body responds to what’s familiar and sends us mixed messages

You need to date this person a bit longer (I don’t know how long you known her). I am not saying date her for a year but sure more than few dates

[Baileysaway]

Thanks for the reflection on this,
So just to update - I have effectively told her - without telling her. At least she could guess as to why I am the way I am with her... but I haven't put any pressure on stuff - I got emotional weirdly but didn't let too much come out! She was very warm and affectionate and made me feel better. I think I do need to be patient - particularly give her space !
We've been dating for about 2 months - and I'm even more crazy about her than ever.
I think partly her 'guard and space she requires hits my strong intense emotions hard- in a way her deflection of things I say to her are a rejection to me and I need to understand she's a complicated person.
I appreciate all the comments and insight! I'm hoping I can find that one thing that just helps me flick the switch in my head that can turn off the anxiety and nervousness - in it's extremes it's bringing out emotions that have never been familiar to me - paranoia particularly. But I understand keeping a level head is important, particularly how she perceives me. If it is/could be love then hopefully I can find focus to be who she needs me to be for her.
I just didn't think I could ever ever feel like this and I'm definitely out of my comfort zone at times!
Thanks again for taking the team to read and reply!

[xiximmxi]

Originally Posted by Baileysaway

Thanks for the reflection on this,
So just to update - I have effectively told her - without telling her. At least she could guess as to why I am the way I am with her... but I haven't put any pressure on stuff - I got emotional weirdly but didn't let too much come out! She was very warm and affectionate and made me feel better. I think I do need to be patient - particularly give her space !
We've been dating for about 2 months - and I'm even more crazy about her than ever.
I think partly her 'guard and space she requires hits my strong intense emotions hard- in a way her deflection of things I say to her are a rejection to me and I need to understand she's a complicated person.
I appreciate all the comments and insight! I'm hoping I can find that one thing that just helps me flick the switch in my head that can turn off the anxiety and nervousness - in it's extremes it's bringing out emotions that have never been familiar to me - paranoia particularly. But I understand keeping a level head is important, particularly how she perceives me. If it is/could be love then hopefully I can find focus to be who she needs me to be for her.
I just didn't think I could ever ever feel like this and I'm definitely out of my comfort zone at times!
Thanks again for taking the team to read and reply!

Awwh! Good news
Love your attitude

[s4ndm4n2006]

Take a step back and let things evolve over time.

Love at first sight doesn't exist in my mind and here's why. Love is not at all based on how one feels for someone because that changes over time, it is not always a flame burning brightly. When you care about someone deeply it is far more than infatuation, passion or lust which is a combination of things that one feels very strongly when they are drawn to someone this is what I feel is what many say is "falling in love". There is no "true love" except for that level of commitment and devotion for someone that continues even when the flames of "feeling love" fade. Which they always do - mind you they do return much like the ebb and flow of the tides but when someone is devoted and committed they remain even after that. Because Love is a choice we make.

There is nothing wrong with feeling as strongly as you do for her but don't be led by feelings alone. a strong relationship will take more than that to last. If we are led merely by a feeling it's quite possibly a guarantee the relationship will fail, because no one remains infatuated with their mate forever.

It's quite alright to voice your devotion or even state that you are committing to her exclusively. That alone states more that the three words "I love you" any day of the week.

Just my take on things. I'm sure some will disagree but at the very least I hope you consider them and I hope they help.

[MickeyCheeky]

Take your time to decide if she's the right one. It seems like both of you want to build a serious relationshi. I wish you good luck