[*Laurie*]

This issue is painful and confusing for me, but I'll make this post fairly short. if anyone has questions, please ask.

My daughter (age 33) and I were always very close. She had a safe and secure childhood, no unusual issues in our home. She was adored by all families (mine, my husband's). 6 years ago she married a man who is well-loved by all of us.


A bit over a year ago, my daughter started grad school. From the first day, she became short with me. She is pleased to be at university. Stressed because she has to work hard, but feels a tremendous sense of meaning in her life.

For years we talked on the phone every day. Over this summer she asked that we talk only a couple of times per week. I was stung a little bit, but knew it was natural and accepted it. I see her IRL about 2 times/month (she lives fairly close to me). As it turns out, we have phone conversations about every 10 days now. Usually when we do, my daughter seems tired and disinterested.

If I want to call her an "additional" time for a quick (it must be very quick) question or idea, I have to text her first and ask, "Is it okay if I call you?" Often, she replies, "No, I'm really busy". I don't doubt that she is...yet I notice that she replies to friends on social media. So she does have time for that.

I am at a point at which I am feeling extremely anxious when I call my daughter. I feel ashamed for calling her, as though I am meekly begging for a crumb of attention from her, because she has all the power. The anxiety is miserable. My daughter, btw, does find my number when she needs something...when she needs "mom".

I'm hurting & don't entirely understand what's going on (yes, I have asked her, still don't understand). Any input?

I'm sorry. That sounds painful. What does she say when you've asked her about it?

[Angelique67]

Originally Posted by *Laurie*

This issue is painful and confusing for me, but I'll make this post fairly short. if anyone has questions, please ask.

My daughter (age 33) and I were always very close. She had a safe and secure childhood, no unusual issues in our home. She was adored by all families (mine, my husband's). 6 years ago she married a man who is well-loved by all of us.


A bit over a year ago, my daughter started grad school. From the first day, she became short with me. She is pleased to be at university. Stressed because she has to work hard, but feels a tremendous sense of meaning in her life.

For years we talked on the phone every day. Over this summer she asked that we talk only a couple of times per week. I was stung a little bit, but knew it was natural and accepted it. I see her IRL about 2 times/month (she lives fairly close to me). As it turns out, we have phone conversations about every 10 days now. Usually when we do, my daughter seems tired and disinterested.

If I want to call her an "additional" time for a quick (it must be very quick) question or idea, I have to text her first and ask, "Is it okay if I call you?" Often, she replies, "No, I'm really busy". I don't doubt that she is...yet I notice that she replies to friends on social media. So she does have time for that.

I am at a point at which I am feeling extremely anxious when I call my daughter. I feel ashamed for calling her, as though I am meekly begging for a crumb of attention from her, because she has all the power. The anxiety is miserable. My daughter, btw, does find my number when she needs something...when she needs "mom".

I'm hurting & don't entirely understand what's going on (yes, I have asked her, still don't understand). Any input?

Hi Laurie, I doubt this is anything more than a "cooler" period in your relationship with your daughter. Don't read too much into it. At some point the relationship will get warm again. But it's one of those things that you can't really force. I'm really sorry though that you're hurting. I would too.

[healingme4me]

I'm going to go out on a limb here with my hunch. I'm wondering if she is spread so thin and perhaps her setting up this barrier between you is a way of testing the waters with you first-her 'safe' person as she builds up her ability to do so with others?

[divine1966]

Laurie I am sorry to hear that. I have only one input and suggestion: to tell her how you feel.

My daughter demonstrated similar behavior for some period (don’t recall how long, probably a year) in her first year of college, she became rather distant and all of a sudden short and not affectionate with me. Same as you I am close to her and we typically talk daily, she is also a very affectionate person. I recall that I was very upset at the time. What I did was telling her exactly how I fell. I couldn’t say in person at the moment so I sent email. I told her how her behavior makes me feel and if there is anything going etc etc it wasn’t accusatory but just explaining my feelings (she is my only child).

I don’t recall all the moment what exactly she said in her reply as it was over 10 years ago but her behavior with me returned to normal shortly after. Main jist was stress and also she felt I was not very understanding of her stress, which was likely true.

Does she know how this makes you feel?

[*Laurie*]

Originally Posted by KnitChick

I'm sorry. That sounds painful. What does she say when you've asked her about it?

We've had long talks about the changes in our relationship. My daughter says she is so extremely busy with studying/classes/working on campus that she is exhausted and simply doesn't have time to talk on the phone.

Although she hasn't said so, I suspect that she wants me to shoot off quick texts that she can respond to with a sentence, or a few words. I am willing to text occasionally, but it is not a method of communication I find healthy for anyone, especially if that's the primary way to communicate.

My daughter has her phone in her hand almost constantly. It seems to me that she is not interested in investing time in conversation. She and her husband frequently communicated by text even in their own home, which I find bizarre.

[*Laurie*]

Originally Posted by Angelique67

Hi Laurie, I doubt this is anything more than a "cooler" period in your relationship with your daughter. Don't read too much into it. At some point the relationship will get warm again. But it's one of those things that you can't really force. I'm really sorry though that you're hurting. I would too.

Thanks, Angelique. I guess...I was so involved with my mom's life, her day to day life. And my family life, when I was growing up, was seriously messed up. Nevertheless, I remained devoted to my mom. She died 12 years ago. I actually miss her sometimes.

I look at my relationship with my mother...I forgave so much. I took my responsibility as a "good daughter" seriously. But here's my own daughter, raised by a mom who was always present for her, never the slightest thought of abuse in her childhood home, and she seems to expect that I'll be waiting for her whenever she needs me. Nothing more, nothing less.

Anyway, I hope you're correct.

[*Laurie*]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

I'm going to go out on a limb here with my hunch. I'm wondering if she is spread so thin and perhaps her setting up this barrier between you is a way of testing the waters with you first-her 'safe' person as she builds up her ability to do so with others?

That could well be. Although I haven't really noticed it, my daughter has always seen herself as being protective of her parents. My husband and I have discussed how she feels...and we've looked at each other and said, "Hmmm...wellll...."

But that's how she feels, so for her, it's true. I do believe that she feels like she needs to establish clear boundaries with people in her life. Lucky me, being "mom", I might very well be the person she's practicing on.

[*Laurie*]

Originally Posted by divine1966

Laurie I am sorry to hear that. I have only one input and suggestion: to tell her how you feel.

My daughter demonstrated similar behavior for some period (don’t recall how long, probably a year) in her first year of college, she became rather distant and all of a sudden short and not affectionate with me. Same as you I am close to her and we typically talk daily, she is also a very affectionate person. I recall that I was very upset at the time. What I did was telling her exactly how I fell. I couldn’t say in person at the moment so I sent email. I told her how her behavior makes me feel and if there is anything going etc etc it wasn’t accusatory but just explaining my feelings (she is my only child).

I don’t recall all the moment what exactly she said in her reply as it was over 10 years ago but her behavior with me returned to normal shortly after. Main jist was stress and also she felt I was not very understanding of her stress, which was likely true.

Does she know how this makes you feel?

Thank you for your reply, divine. Yes, I have discussed how I feel with her. Initially when we discussed it, there were angry words and hurt feelings. We did process through some misunderstandings, which felt successful to me.

That said, I feel like I've come out on the short end of the stick. When I've expressed how I feel, she reiterates that she's very busy and tired and so on. Bottom line, it's her way, or no relationship. I mean that 100%. She has told me that her education comes first, and that if I cannot live with that, no go.

That's what hurts so deeply. That's what confuses me. I mean...is it normal, these days, to text your grown child to ask if you might call? My own mother would not have tolerated such behavior. I would not have imagined treating her in such a disrespectful manner...I would have been horribly ashamed to face her, knowing how I'd behaved.

I can sort-of understand how a first-year college student might insist upon "leaving the nest"...being independent. But my daughter is 33. Seems a bit old to behave the way she does. Then again, in many ways she's always been a late bloomer, especially with regard to emotion and relationship.