My fiance can't and won't stop lying

Hello everyone,

I am currently engaged to a 27 year old, I have been with him for well over a year. I have caught him out in numerous lies, for example, he's gone to meet his "boss" at the gas station to recieve his pay, then mysteriously lost his wallet containing that "pay". I was extremely depressed and nearly tried to overdose on tramadol, he lied for 3 days straight pretending to be driving down to my area (we live 1400 km apart), pretended to be staying by his uncle, pretended to be at a job he never even had or applied for. He admitted it only AFTER I threatened to leave. He told me he was scared he would lose me so he lied. He's lied to my parents faces, multiple times. He sits at home all day, plays games, doesn't look for work, nothing. Now bare in mind, I earn barely enough per month to support TWO of us. I'm the only one working, and he lives off of my money in my flat. I have to pay for rent, groceries, toiletries, everything. Everytime I mention the fact that I need help, he needs a job, he throws an emotional sob story and tries to guilt trip me. I should also probably mention, He talks about me behind my back to his family, telling them I am "using" him and emotionally abusing him, that I am not caring for him like I should be, I have seen the messages on his phone where his mother blatantly insults me and he agrees with her. I have recieved very rude messages on facebook from his brother about it too. Bare in mind, he's saying it's emotional abuse because I get angry and sometimes yell when he sits using all my stuff, and does NO help. I don't "care" for him like I should be, yet i'm letting him live here rent free, paying all his expenses, and I'm at the point where I just can't anymore. Emotionally and mentally. I don't want to be alone, because I suffered through severe depression and have and I'm still under watch by my family. I need help What should I do. Is it my fault that he's lying so much? I don't know what I could've done wrong.

Hi! I am sorry to hear about what your bf is putting you through. Obviously 1 red flag after another. Staying with him will only lead to more misery. Sometimes being alone is better than being with a liar or a cheater. Once they start lieing to you or cheating on you, it only gets worse from there, not to even mention all the emotional and psychological anguish he is putting you through. In my veiw, there is only one option to you finding happiness and that is to let this guy go and find someone eventually when the time is right, that truly knows how to love and respect you. I know it hurts to let him go, but if you hang onto him it will only hurt worse and for longer. In the end, you will never be happy with him. Reread all that you wrote about him. You know the answer before you even asked. People like this never change, I promise you. True happiness starts from within ones own self, but if you are with someone that brings you that much disappointment, that truly is not the right guy for you or for no one for that matter. I am curious how others will answer back to you in this post, but if I were you I would let go of him and find someone that respects you for the woman that you truly are. Good luck to you in your decision and God Bless You!

I’m puzzled as to whether he lives 1400 km away or he lives with you. You said both.

Either way, only you can put an end to the way he treats you—by ending the relationship.

Hi Kshearar.

Marriage isn't only about love...and it most certainly isn't about guilt. Entering into a marriage without financial stability from both sides will most likely prove very draining. It sounds like your main motivation to be with this man is to avoid being alone, and I totally get that, but I fear this may mean trading in your loneliness to become this mans keeper.

Please be kind and generous to yourself Kshearar, wait for someone who is willing to be with you as an equal both financially & emotionally.

You deserve better. He sounds like a skelm and is taking you for a ride. He can’t have his cake and eat it too. He’s lying about pretty significant things. Who knows what else he is capable of. Tell him to hardloop!

omg.. this sounds EXACTLY like what I went through a year ago with my ex fiance! I kicked him out eventually and we broke up, which is the same advice I would give you. Don't do this to yourself.. you deserve FAR better. Your fiance is a bum, he is using you, he is abusing you, and he is lying to you. Kick him out and be done with him. I know it's easier said than done, but really, is this what you want??? He won't change.

He’s not going to change. He’s a loser. Time to kick him
To the curb. You deserve better.

He treats you bad and lives off you. Why are you with him?

Sorry , I'll clarify. When we dated, he lived 1400 km away, now that we got engaged, he lives with me.

I just noticed we are most likely from the same country. Are you speaking Afrikaans? And I agree, it's pretty big lies he's telling, it's just very difficult to get the nerve to tell him to go.

Is this how you want to live?

The longer you wait, the more deeply he will latch on, the more he will worsen and atrophy and decay.

The best time, the easiest time, will always be the current moment: now.

The longer you wait, the harder it will get.

It will get even harder if you marry.

If you marry and have a child with him, you will never be rid of him.

Is this how you want to live?

If not, the time to act is now.

You can do it!

((((Kshearar)))) Please, dump him as soon as you can. He's scum and definitely doesn't deserve you You, on the other hand, deserve much better, someone who loves you and understands you. I'm sorry you're going through this

Yeah I’m originally from South Africa but I emigrated to Australia 10 years ago. Saw you were from Cape Town. I’m from Durban!

Oh Crazy Hitch! I was trying to find out what "hardloop" means and I kept getting references from South Africa, even when I imposed Australia on the search! No wonder!

I can promise this: It won't get better. It will only get worse.

Nobody deserves that kind of treatment. I hope you do find the mental strength and self-respect to put him where he belongs--out of your house.

Classic!!!!

If you marry him, things will get worse, then you will have to get a divorce.......more drama and trauma. One sentence saved me; "Try to let the side of you that is trying to save yourself....win."

Taking care of your own health is your #1 priority. I suggest you tell him you need to focus on your own mental health, move out away from him, possibly back to your parents, break off the engagement, break up with the lying bum, and focus on your self esteem.

I wouldn’t have stayed with a liar after catching him in the first lie. True, I have my issues with self esteem and relationships, too, but not tolerating lying has always been an easy one for me.

Be strong for yourself.

Its your flat, and on top of that, your life. Kick him to the curb. he needs to go. You are not responsible for his well being, his emotional stability or his financial stability. On top of that, you're not even married, underscoring what I said already!

He throws the "emotional abuse" bs at you as a manipulation pure and simple and I'll say furthermore that he is by no means a victim but more than likely, indeed really pretty sure on this the emotional/mental abuse is coming from the opposite direction.

Take heart, you're obviously a good, responsible person in that you are even in a position to have a leeching, deceptive squatter in your house and take care of them. Only a responsible person that has a grip on their own life can do this. Be confident in yourself in that you are not the problem here (I know you know this but his manipulations in the heat of the moment make you question it, right?) Stop self harming, or I should say try very hard to -- and throw that thought of punishing yourself in any way because you absolutely are not the one that deserves that.

He is a 27 yr old spoiled child and not kicking him to the curb is only furthering this and to your detriment and future health. Not worth sacrificing and of your own time, your life or health for this guy. make him go leech off someone else.

Be strong and get him out of there!

/\ /\ /\

Everything everyone else has said!

- You need him to get responsible. He won't.
- You need him to help support the two of you financially. He won't.
- He's gaslighting you. Run like Hades!
- He's making you "responsible" for his poor widdle feelings all the time and spreading falsehoods and just plain shyte about you behind your back (hence, gaslighting). Run like the devil were chasing you!
- Do you seriously want to live in his unreal version of "reality", in which someone else (mostly you) is always ALWAYS the abusive bad guy? Seriously?

My own beloved brother was an expert at this for many many years. It was, is, and ever will be, horrific. He is now married for the seventh time. Nobody can fix him. Gee -- wonder why?


I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. It can be so overwhelming and self-belittling. Please please don't fall for it, for your own sake.

Very very best to you. You have the strength.

sending you strength and "I am a good person. I am a whole intelligent individual. I AM ENOUGH!" vibes

Please feel free to PM me. I am so sorry for your pain.

Chyia, shutting up now :shuddering:

You can't fix this person, and from my experience, people who tell the kind of self-serving lies you say he is telling don't stop--it is a fixed part of their character (or I should say lack of character).

Move him out of your life. You deserve better. The money you earn should be spent on making a better life for yourself. I guarantee you he will find someone else to support his bad behavior. And shame on his enabling mother.

What’s up with all these people not working? I know many many disabled people, including severely disabled, who maintain jobs. I know a blind person who works. How and why all these people don’t work? And how do they find boyfriends and girlfriends to support them or how do they convince their families to support them? I can’t wrap my mind around it. Why do people allow jobless boyfriends moving into their houses to sit on their butts? They aren’t able to work yet they can date and have sex and entertain themselves on other people’s expense just fine yet can’t get their butt to work?. What’s up with all that?

I know!!! This completely brings me back to when I had to support my ex fiance and all the trouble that HE brought to my life because he was a leeching bum and wouldn't get a job. He was a pathological liar. He even stole meds from me!!!! What a nightmare.

Prepare to jettison fiance.

I know in your OP you mentioned that your family keeps an eye on you because of previous crisis' and that you are afraid of his not being there for that reason. I truly believe his presence will make you feel worse instead of better. He doesn't sound like the type of guy that's bringing validation of your self worth to the table.

I do not believe your resentment that seaps out as anger and frustration about finding some type of employment and contributing something to the household expenses Causes his lying ways. With all the whining he does to his mommy and her actually buying it hook line and sinker I'm not sure that he has Your Best Interests at heart.