[it'sgrowtime]

I’m really confused at the moment. My son is struggling with depression now, and he’s been saying that he can’t stand to be around our family. He has emotions but won’t say what he is upset about. He says he doesn’t know or is confused. He said he shut off feelings from us six years ago when I had cancer.

I understand why our home is depressing. It is tense here and we haven’t had a meaningful good time here in awhile. We are also estranged from family, and the family we’re not estranged from is struggling. Everywhere I look I see depressed miserable hurting people.

I feel like I’m losing my son, but I’m trying to be optimistic. How sad to know that he could wander away from this to something better and never look back.

I just can’t tell if he is depressed because of our family dynamics, and if changing family dynamics would help? I don’t know if it’s even possible to change family dynamics. I just don’t understand anything at the moment because I’m so sorrowful knowing that my son was whimpering as he told me he doesn’t feel comfortable around our family and he doesn’t want to be here.

I’m feel like I’m a horrible failure of a mother who let her child down. Is that normal? I’m feeling so regretful lately and wishing I could rewind time and do things better.

[Bill3]

Have you tried family therapy?

[it'sgrowtime]

Originally Posted by Bill3

Have you tried family therapy?

Thanks, bill3. He has a counselor now, but is not comfortable bringing us in right now (if ever). Every one of us has had individual counseling at some point, but not as a family. I don’t think my son trusts that it would be safe or fruitful. I don’t think my husband or son would go for it. Too volatile.

I’m going to keep reaching out to him and reminding him that I care immensely about him and am here to support him.

I am trying to be very careful to be properly supportive and not critical or pushy, but also bring proper attention to the issue. I’m trying not to blame myself, either. But sometimes I’m not as present as I could be. Life has been extremely stressful with my husband in a mental hospital not very long ago. My son now talking about stress and frustration and the temptation to skip it all.

My son has been sharing feelings and thoughts that are hard to accept. He was very bleak talking about fried memory and brain damage from anxiety and depression. He wondered how he could handle the future. I said that they say prolonged stress can fray your dna, but that he can also be optimistic that things will improve too. I said it reminds me of childbirth...it’s terrifying for a girl when she thinks about childbirth, but that most people want babies.

I say the wrong things I think. I panic and say the first thing that comes to mind. Looking back I could have shown more empathy. I could have asked him more about how he feels instead of trying to rationalize his emotion. 😔

[healingme4me]

I don't really think that saying the first thing that comes to mind is the wrong way to handle things because it's authentic and in the moment.
The mention of the potential for volatility caught my attention if your husband and son were to have a joint therapy session. I would say that might be a dynamic to hone into when considering your son's discomfort? Afterall, sons aren't notorious for having 'feelings' talks.

[Bill3]

You have so much stress to deal with right now.



In my view saying the first thing that comes to mind is risky. I have certainly come to regret doing that in my own life. It sounds like the results of that have been problematic for you as well.

Another possibility is to cultivate a self-restraint that says “Give yourself a moment to think before you speak.” If you wanted to work on this you could, for example, meditate daily, or use the STOP technique.

STOP technique (four minute video):

Are you seeing a counselor? If not, it might be helpful so as to have further support for yourself.

[katydid777]

My Son of 32 years from the tome he started school, never had any part of my parents, or siblings. Not bc he don't care, he just don't like what they have done to me, and he don't like how they do there life. I never inflicted them on him, and he is the only one who made something big of his life. I can say he works for the NSA, in Maryland and makes a 6 figure salary, and no one else, my parents, siblings, and his cousin has done that. He was in the service right after high school, stayed in 11 years, he did 2 years in Iraq, then has been Going to school, and working full tine for the NSA. But he don't want anything to do with my side, and I very much don't blame him. Most are alcoholics, just like my parents were. a couple abused me, he seen all I did for my mom just to try and feel like she had any feelings for me at all, also my Son, and I went to visit my parents when he was about 11, and she had drank too much, Not long after we got to there house it was a little after 5pm, my dad was already in bed, and my mom was toasted. She fell don in the , and my Son kitchen, and My Son, and I had to pick her up so she could go sleep it off. My parents have passed on, and my 5 siblings, all of them drink, most in excess. So I don't blame him, I may have something for a rare celebration, and my Son is the same way, and don't want to be around drunks, not to mention all the things (Abuses) that were done to me. He knows most of my life, but not all.

[it'sgrowtime]

Thanks, everyone.

I’m feeling more hopeful today, even though things aren’t quite better yet.

I will keep all the advice in mind as I go through today.