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#1
Nov 27, 2018, 10:17 PM
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Been married for 20 years. I work full time and have many interests. However my husband appears to have lost all interest in having a physical relationship. We now have separate bedrooms. I have told him how I feel and he said he was going to see a Dr because he isn't able to perform sexually. He hasn't done so and when I asked about it he didn't answer me. I would hate to think sex is no longer a part of my life but it isn't even all that we've become nothing more than room mates. I realize this is very unhealthy but I also realize we both would have alot to lose if we divorced. Its very hurtful and confusing.
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 Anonymous45023, Bill3, qwerty68, Skeezyks, xiximmxi
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#2
Nov 28, 2018, 01:02 PM
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I'm sorry you're feeling lonely, it must hurt to feel rejected even though it's really nobody's fault.
 We can quickly discard him by saying, "well, his tongue or fingers aren't broken." But I feel like we should approach this sensitive topic with sympathy and understanding. If I was an active man and suddenly lost my abilities, I would feel guilty and embarrassed and it would totally hurt my confidence and self-esteem (and these feelings of inadequacy will only worsen his performance; it's a vicious cycle), especially when they can't "fake" it at all... Is he wanting to be physical, just can't do it? - He should seek professional help. He isn't alone in this. It takes a lot of effort, time and money but it's worth his happiness. - He can try viagra, or rings Or has he lost all interest in sex / marriage?
__________________
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 Bill3
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#3
Nov 28, 2018, 02:15 PM
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Hello sarouvak: I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral.
 I'm sorry you & your husband are experiencing this difficulty. One thing you didn't mention was how old your husband is. You mentioned the two of you have been married for 20 years though. So I presume the two of you must be at least a bit older... perhaps approaching or in middle age?  Age could be a significant factor here of course. Middle age can be tough on men & can have a significant impact on both their interest in intimacy as well as their ability to perform. Plus the one tends to feed upon the other. And so it can become a vicious downward spiral. I hope your husband does go to see his doctor. Depending on how that goes, if he's willing, it might be useful for him to spend some time seeing a mental health therapist as well. Depression & anxiety can also wreak havoc with person's desire for intimacy.  I've gone overboard here providing you with links to a selection of 17 articles, from PsychCentral's archives.  Included are links to articles on the effects of depression on marriage, communication within marriage, depression in men, how to persuade a loved one to seek professional help, loneliness within marriage, & how to survive in an unhappy marriage. Hopefully some or all of these articles may be of help in putting what you are dealing with into perspective & with figuring out what to do about it:Is It Your Marriage or Your Depression? Marriage Communication: How Does It Work? 9 Steps to Better Communication Today The Male Midlife Crisis Marriage and Midlife Crisis:Challenges and Transitions | Healing Together for Couples https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-mid...y-in-disguise/ https://psychcentral.com/lib/manopau...changing-life/ https://blogs.psychcentral.com/tms/2...-is-different/ https://blogs.psychcentral.com/welln...ession-in-men/ https://blogs.psychcentral.com/careg...dium=popular17 https://psychcentral.com/blog/10-thi...le-depression/ https://psychcentral.com/blog/12-dep...sters-for-men/ https://psychcentral.com/lib/helping...ression/?all=1 https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...essional-help/ https://psychcentral.com/blog/11-way...-denial/?all=1 https://psychcentral.com/blog/loneli...thin-marriage/ https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...edium=popular1 My best wishes to you both... 
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| xiximmxi
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#4
Nov 28, 2018, 05:42 PM
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I am 64 and my husband is 70. I do realize his age may be a factor in all this, but.. he is not willing to do anything about this and I consider this a major problem while it appears he wants to ignore it.
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#5
Nov 29, 2018, 05:46 PM
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........
__________________
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| Bill3
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#6
Nov 29, 2018, 05:46 PM
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Quote:
I'm not sure how long you two have been sexless or sleeping in separate rooms but maybe you can tell him that you miss the romance again? Not necessarily sex. That you miss kissing, and holding hands and just being physically close, and that you have no intention to force him to see a doctor if he feels uncomfortable. I think efficient give & take, 2-way conversations to see where he stands could be the most important at this point.
__________________
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| Bill3, sarouvak
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#7
Nov 29, 2018, 10:36 PM
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Quote:
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| Bill3, qwerty68, xiximmxi
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#8
Nov 30, 2018, 03:35 PM
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Quote:
Hope you find the light at the end of the tunnel.
__________________
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