I was with a girl for around 8 months.
It was horrible. The worst relationship of my life.

I'm not going to go into the particulars, but the result is that in focusing on her needs for so long due to the threat of her violent outbursts and narcissism, my own needs have been neglected for so long that I don't really know what I want for my self anymore. The things I used to enjoy, the things that defined who I am, and the things I took pride in, have been crushed beneath the months of emotional abuse from this girl, leaving me bereft of purpose and in a state of doubt.

In fact, no... that's not entirely true. I mean it is, but it's not the whole truth. This only happened because I wasn't entirely whole to begin with.

There's an emptiness inside me, and I long to be a part of a family. Not my relatives, but a family of my own. The only time I'm really happy is when I am a part of something like that, and it doesn't have to be a romantic relationship, it can be as a part of a platonic group of people, or a workplace, or as a contributor to some sort of project. I need to be valued to feel complete.

But I understand that to be "valued", you have to be "valuable". You have to find those qualities and bring out your worth. But the down side to this is that it's sort of like building a house of cards. A knock or two here or there won't disturb it too much, but something like this -like her- who has no value for anyone or anything but herself... well, it F's you up and leaves you feeling worthless.

I don't really know what to do about that.

[KD1980]

Oh gosh, my ex was also a sociopath, so totally relate.

What helped me was DBT therapy, lots of self care, doing things I wanted, going shopping, treating myself and not feeling bad about it. I spent over $500 on ballet tickets and I didn't feel bad about it.

It will take time, but keep holding yourself in deep self compassion and you'll start to feel better. <3

[Imokay2]

Yep, I can relate too. I haven't been in another relationship since then, and that was 12 years ago.
If you can identify what makes you happy at this point, and you have ways of making that happen, then, I think you're ahead of the game.
I do think waiting to have relationships is good too, because so often in our wounded state we end up attracting the same kind of person.
Thats why I've been single for all these years. I can't let this happen again. But, I'm an introvert, and being alone feels better to me than being with others.
It sounds like you are more extroverted, so, there is a lot you can do about that. Its' not about what other people think about what you bring or don't bring, or your value, its about whats right for you. I don't think other people - normal people, are thinking about what value you bring either.
You could be like a lot of other people I have known, who just started 'somewhere' with recovering, and before too long they didn't even remember very well who they were at the beginning of putting themselves back together.
Whatever you do becomes who you are.

"If you can identify what makes you happy at this point, and you have ways of making that happen, then, I think you're ahead of the game."

That's kind of the problem. I don't know what makes me happy. Before her, I was an artist and a motorcycle tourer. I can't seem to find pleasure in either of those things now because my focus has been away from it for so long. I could try and rediscover these passions, but I'm not sure that I want to. It feels less like I want to rediscover my passions, and more like I need to rediscover myself.

"It sounds like you are more extroverted, so, there is a lot you can do about that."

I'm not extroverted. I have schizotypal and I find interpersonal relationships very taxing.

[MickeyCheeky]

((((Zehm)))) I'm so sorry you're struggling. It will surely take time to heal, so please don't give up. I'd try to rediscover those things that gave you joy in the past. Who knows, maybe the feelings of pleasure you've had before are just buried... and you have to dig to find them. If you're still not interested, you can still try some new hobbies and activities? I believe the path of self-discovery starts from here. I wish you the best luck, I'm sorry you have to deal with this

I've been reading up a lot on how to move past this. Most sites account the experience I've gone through to the letter, and most finish of by stating that I shouldn't blame myself. The experience was quite literally textbook.

Well... that's cool and all. I get what happened and why. And I don't blame myself. Sure there were times where my reactions to things weren't the right ones, but what is the proper reaction to being treated with contempt? Dumping her on her arse and never looking back, I suppose. I feel so stupid for trying to see the good in her.

I know that my expectations and needs weren't demanding or unreasonable, while hers were endless, draining and more often than not paradoxical. I did what I could, without sacrificing every ounce of dignity I had, although the experience has humiliated me badly due to the things I've endured in the spirit of love and understanding.

The point is: knowing that I am not to blame doesn't help one bit. It only frustrates me.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by Zehm

I've been reading up a lot on how to move past this. Most sites account the experience I've gone through to the letter, and most finish of by stating that I shouldn't blame myself. The experience was quite literally textbook.

Well... that's cool and all. I get what happened and why. And I don't blame myself. Sure there were times where my reactions to things weren't the right ones, but what is the proper reaction to being treated with contempt? Dumping her on her arse and never looking back, I suppose. I feel so stupid for trying to see the good in her.

I know that my expectations and needs weren't demanding or unreasonable, while hers were endless, draining and more often than not paradoxical. I did what I could, without sacrificing every ounce of dignity I had, although the experience has humiliated me badly due to the things I've endured in the spirit of love and understanding.

The point is: knowing that I am not to blame doesn't help one bit. It only frustrates me.

Knowing that you're not to blame is only the first step but without that you cannot get to the other growth that is needed and that is finding yourself, what and who you are - to yourself. Forget finding others that give you value for now because 9/10 they will fail you. in fact 100% of the people you meet will actually fail to give you what you need at one point or another. And please hear me, I am not at all saying we or anyone abandons relationships and other people, but to place the importance at this point and time in your life on YOU first. DW about what others think feel or can give you but take your time to give yourself what you need and take time to find your own way. Independence I stress time and time again, is the foundation for a strong relationship of every.single.kind. Independent and self aware people make the best friends are in the best position to find friends that are not detrimental to their own mental and emotional health.

Focus on you and I know that sounds vague but it's important. And it feels like it's useless, unfruitful and a waste of time at first... trust me, having had to do this myself I know from memories of my low points how it feels but it does pass, you do get strong and you can find joy, contentment and strength, but no one outside youself can give that to you. you have to claim it and figure out how to get there.

Beyond anything, the best thing you can do right now is take as much time as you need to heal from this and get your bearings. Focus on yourself. Rediscover your interests and joys in life. Take time to put the pieces back together. I am so sorry you were subjected to such horrible treatment; nobody deserves that. I wish you the very best in your journey of healing.

[happysobercrafter]

I am so sorry you are going through this!! And I hear you, what you are wanting for yourself is natural and right. I wish I knew what to tell you, but that important choice is up to you. You are searching for answers and that alone is brilliant because you will learn.

What helped me heal the best was working on these two things: developing self-awareness and healing my self-esteem. As I worked on those two important qualities, my life slowly began to fall into place.

Keep looking for answers! You can help others burned by heartless abusive narcissists get better, just as you are getting better yourself. It's a painful way to learn, but firsthand knowledge is pure power. xoxoxoxox