Really Struggling with Partners Sex past 3 yrs. ago - She haddepression / confidence

ok your feelings are not only a legitimate concern, they are ones that are not really uncommon for a lot of people, and possibly not exclusively but typically males feel this way more often about their female partner's past. I say this because I've not only seen this type of concern posted here on this forum many many times but in my younger years I have to admit that I have been here and thought the same way with more than one of my partners back then. So if anything comes out very strongly please know that I do know how this feels and how one's mind can generate such questions.

First of all she is apologetic but I have to point out, from a very objective perspective that she really has nothing, nothing to apologize to you for. Feeling remorse or regret for her past is one thing but she is not accountable to you for anything that happened prior to you even having known each other. I know deep inside you realize this but I feel that it is something that I recommend you relay to her. That she does NOT need to be forgiven by you as she has not done anything that should offend you.

Also keep in the forefront of your mind the fact that numbers don't matter, past doesn't matter for if it did you'd need to feel just as guilty for the things you did irresponsibly in your past too. It is not something that one can hold against another but not be responsible for in their own life. Again I know these things are thoughts you probably know and struggle with anyway but I'm just trying to reinforce that line of thinking.

What you should do is focus on where she is now. How far she (and you) have come from the immature ways of the past and look at who you are now. Everyone has skeletons in their closet and some have more than others but that doesn't matter because it should be in the past before you were involved.

I know all of this may make sense to you logically but your heart still feels the same and I get it. right now, in the moment logic and rationale has to be king. The part that is making you struggle the most is that part you mentioned about feeling "special"... and I get it. you have no idea how much I understand this intimately, as I have been there but I think key here is expressing this part whether just to yourself or to her, I don't know. But you have to resolve the issue that if she is able to have sex with so many how can you stand out? Trust me, if she didn't find you special and important now, or take seriously the intimacy that you will or have shared, then she would still be out there getting drunk and having many partners right? Why would one, clearly attractive enough and desireable to have multiple partners previously choose ONE? Because two things. one, she has moved on from that irresponsible past and is finished with it, and two because she actually found you and has made the decision to be with YOU. To the point of risking your trust and devotion by telling you of a past she is ashamed of... that, alone, my friend should speak volumes as to why you can safely trust her now. One that does not want to change or live the straight and narrow does not reveal their divergence from the path, no they go out of their way to hide it.

I hope this helps.

Thank you so so much. I can tell from the way you presented this that you were being genuine with advice and you really "hit the nail on the head". I noticed that you mentioned you have been here in the past with more than one of your partners. Was this a main factor to past relationships failing? Or were you able to establish this thinking and move forrward?

Thank you again for the excellent post.

you're very welcome. At this point in my life I find that when I can really relate to someone else's post I feel I am called to share and hopefully help if possible.

As for the past relationships, It was not necessarily a cause for the failures or break ups directly though I am sure that not getting past this type of thinking caused it's own share of problems while the relationship was still going. I can think back on all of my relationships and say that they all ended for different reasons though.

I will say that the issues I had back then were tied very directly to my own insecurities and of course relational immaturity. That's not something that is easily overcome with anything but experience and time (the immaturity portion). But you can change your thinking which in turn will help. I emphasize the insecurity portion because one that is seeking for someone else to make them feel special and relies heavily on this other person tends to lack security in one's self.

The best advice I can give you is something I tell everyone in and out of relationships and that in addition to what I said previously about focusing on the fact that she chose you.. That you focus on you - not selfishly - discovering self, accepting who you are, finding contentment and security in yourself and that will always make you a better partner and happier even in relationships. Because relationships with others should never be about them "completing" you (as the old cliché says) but being someone that adds more to your life like icing on a cake. A cake is a cake with or without the icing but oh so much better with it

Hope this helps.