[Catgotmytongue]

I broke up with my partner of 6 years 2.5 months ago. We know a lot of the same people, we’re in the same friendship group. Unfortunately for me I’ve wanted the break up to be more of a clean cut because it makes it easier for me. He’s been invited to my brothers birthday since they are friends and it’s the first thing we’ve both been invited too. Already feeling nervous about it.

[healingme4me]

That sounds utterly awkward.

I would imagine that you'd need a gameplan of some sort?

First and foremost civility. But from there, what are your expectations of what could or might not happen? Would there be intense emotions from either of you? Do you have an 'escape plan'? Is your brother sensitive to the changed dynamics? Will you have other relatives that you can gravitate to? Other friends to be a distracting force?

[Catgotmytongue]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

That sounds utterly awkward.

I would imagine that you'd need a gameplan of some sort?

First and foremost civility. But from there, what are your expectations of what could or might not happen? Would there be intense emotions from either of you? Do you have an 'escape plan'? Is your brother sensitive to the changed dynamics? Will you have other relatives that you can gravitate to? Other friends to be a distracting force?

Unfortunately for me I’m finding being civil hard. He sent me a text yesterday asking “Are you happy”. Just that. And he’s been invited to something else already from a group chat and already said he’s going so I’ve ended up being frustrated and texting him back saying I’m annoyed and why has he asked me this. I think he thinks that life will just go on and for me I’m feeling very emotional and awkward about it. I’m hoping that he will understand boundaries in that I don’t want to talk to him. I’m the one who broke it off with him so you’d think it would be easier for me.
I think what you brought up has been helpful. There won’t be other family members as my brother is also in my friendship group so it’s just our friends.
It’s not a simple break up because of how we will still be in each other’s lives.
I’m not going to not go to my brothers event because he’s my family and I don’t feel I should feel I can’t, but I may not go to some other things depending on what they are.
What I want is to ignore him but that will be hard to do.

[Quarter life]

If this was an angry & bitter separation, then yes it can be awkward, ...But there is no reason why you can't both keep your circle of friends.

You need to keep in mind that these social gatherings aren't about the 2 of you...and that as adults you would do well to keep a low profile around each other...if only to keep things on an even keel. If it were me, I would most definitely attend both events...without a date and looking fabulous.

Somewhere down the track both of you should be able to find a happy medium and may even become good friends...who knows.

[divine1966]

When I left my ex of 9 years my brother and sister in law (especially her) wanted to keep inviting him to events. We remained on good terms but there was no need for us to attend events together.

I told my brother and sister in law not to do it under any circumstances. their loyalty with me, not ex. So they refrain from that.

Plus I intended to start dating fairly soon and had no desire to make my ex feel awkward or upset him as I was the one who left.

Now if you two end up in a big group or want to stay in touch, that’s fine but why is your brother actually inviting him? I don’t think it’s appropriare for family members to invite exes without consulting. It’s not a very proper thing to do. Your brother is putting you in awkward position.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by Catgotmytongue

Unfortunately for me I’m finding being civil hard. He sent me a text yesterday asking “Are you happy”. Just that. And he’s been invited to something else already from a group chat and already said he’s going so I’ve ended up being frustrated and texting him back saying I’m annoyed and why has he asked me this. I think he thinks that life will just go on and for me I’m feeling very emotional and awkward about it. I’m hoping that he will understand boundaries in that I don’t want to talk to him. I’m the one who broke it off with him so you’d think it would be easier for me.
I think what you brought up has been helpful. There won’t be other family members as my brother is also in my friendship group so it’s just our friends.
It’s not a simple break up because of how we will still be in each other’s lives.
I’m not going to not go to my brothers event because he’s my family and I don’t feel I should feel I can’t, but I may not go to some other things depending on what they are.
What I want is to ignore him but that will be hard to do.

To be honest your brother is putting you in a tough position by inviting someone he knows has had romantic ties with you that didn't end well. I'll be perfectly blunt about this, that you should probably not go because frankly your brother should respect that and you're his sister. idk if he does this intentionally but does your brother have ill will toward you regarding your leaving his friend ? idk if you asked yourself this but could this be intentional on his part? I would opt out and that provides you with an opportunity to give your brother an explanation and a clear boundary.

Besides I'm assuming/guessing you're all adults and is a BIRTHDAY PARTY really something that's all that critical? I mean to be honest I was asking myself what adult male typically even has a birthday party past high school anyway? Maybe I'm weird but even if it is something that some people do is it really an important event really that you should feel compelled to go to this thing and put yourself in a position where there will likely be a conflict? for me, that would not be worth it.

As for being civil, you left for a reason and he's now your ex. you're not ex-married partners with kids, there is no call for having to deal with him or being civil. His question about if you're happy wasn't a question at all but a jab at you and one that was not to be taken literally but as an insult or a way to make a point. He's clearly still not happy that you left in the first place and will likely use the opportunity at the party to either try to reel you in or attack and insult you. One or the other, but neither is a good situation.

My thought is to opt out. You're not going to hurt your brother by this, if this guy is his friend then there is no doubt he knew what he was doing and is not innocent in all of this.

[WishfulThinker66]

awkward yes but I personally think it awkward to put friends and family in the difficult position of choosing sides. I am irked to no end that my own brother and sister-in-law are best of friends with my ex (they have got to be utterly blind) but I have never raised my opinion to them about it directly. My kids too remain close and as a result we bump into one another ever so often.

But....

I choose to hold my head high and show him I am above the nonsense and he has no part in my life - even bringing me down. I figure this is the biggest win I can have against him. For him to see I am doing well is the battle won.

[Catgotmytongue]

Originally Posted by divine1966

When I left my ex of 9 years my brother and sister in law (especially her) wanted to keep inviting him to events. We remained on good terms but there was no need for us to attend events together.

I told my brother and sister in law not to do it under any circumstances. their loyalty with me, not ex. So they refrain from that.

Plus I intended to start dating fairly soon and had no desire to make my ex feel awkward or upset him as I was the one who left.

Now if you two end up in a big group or want to stay in touch, that’s fine but why is your brother actually inviting him? I don’t think it’s appropriare for family members to invite exes without consulting. It’s not a very proper thing to do. Your brother is putting you in awkward position.

My ex was my brothers friend to start with so I get that he would invite him. It is just awkward and I guess I can’t really do much about him being invited. It’s also just a big reminder to me that he’s there.

[Catgotmytongue]

My thought is to opt out. You're not going to hurt your brother by this, if this guy is his friend then there is no doubt he knew what he was doing and is not innocent in all of this.[/QUOTE]

I’ll probably go because he’s my brother and I love him. My brother was friends with my ex before I even went out with him so I don’t feel it’s right to ask for my wishes to be granted but I guess you still understand the discomfort of it all. I’m not sure what my exes intentions were in asking if I was happy. I did speak to him when I dropped his belongings off to him and he said he just wanted to know how I was going but he asked that in a very direct manner.
It is a good reminder that I needn’t needn’t of to his events if I don’t want to, although I feel that’s would backfire for me in him not wanting to hang out with me so often id i make a stance against my ex.

[Catgotmytongue]

Originally Posted by WishfulThinker66

awkward yes but I personally think it awkward to put friends and family in the difficult position of choosing sides. I am irked to no end that my own brother and sister-in-law are best of friends with my ex (they have got to be utterly blind) but I have never raised my opinion to them about it directly. My kids too remain close and as a result we bump into one another ever so often.

But....

I choose to hold my head high and show him I am above the nonsense and he has no part in my life - even bringing me down. I figure this is the biggest win I can have against him. For him to see I am doing well is the battle won.

I don’t intend on asking my brother to not invite him. But when it does come to family and they choose you’re exes presence with you there it is a hard one to stomach especially since I consider my brother to be my friend too. I haven’t been to anything yet with him there that is still to come. It’s a good reminder though that friends and family will gladly choose to stay friends with exes. It would be much easier if I had moved on and already dating but that’s not even the case.
That would be hard for you to have to be in that situation.

[Catgotmytongue]

Originally Posted by Quarter life

If this was an angry & bitter separation, then yes it can be awkward, ...But there is no reason why you can't both keep your circle of friends.

You need to keep in mind that these social gatherings aren't about the 2 of you...and that as adults you would do well to keep a low profile around each other...if only to keep things on an even keel. If it were me, I would most definitely attend both events...without a date and looking fabulous.

Somewhere down the track both of you should be able to find a happy medium and may even become good friends...who knows.

Yes sounds sensible. I’ve not actually wanted to stay friends with him but it seems like I may be forced into that situation. We were on and off for a year so being friends feels like it could lead to more... mistakes. I will think about “looking fabulous” as you say. Might just make me feel better about myself.

[Catgotmytongue]

Originally Posted by Quarter life

If this was an angry & bitter separation, then yes it can be awkward, ...But there is no reason why you can't both keep your circle of friends.

You need to keep in mind that these social gatherings aren't about the 2 of you...and that as adults you would do well to keep a low profile around each other...if only to keep things on an even keel. If it were me, I would most definitely attend both events...without a date and looking fabulous.

Somewhere down the track both of you should be able to find a happy medium and may even become good friends...who knows.

Yes sounds sensible. I’ve not actually wanted to stay friends with him but it seems like I may be forced into that situation. We were on and off for a year so being friends feels like it could lead to more... mistakes. I will think about “looking fabulous” as you say. Might just make me feel better about myself.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you're struggling, Catgotmytounge It will probably be awkward, but if you do decide to go, just keep contacts with him to a minimum. Just be polite and try to stay with the other people there. I'm sorry you have to deal with this

[Catgotmytongue]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

I'm so sorry you're struggling, Catgotmytounge It will probably be awkward, but if you do decide to go, just keep contacts with him to a minimum. Just be polite and try to stay with the other people there. I'm sorry you have to deal with this

Thankyou for your kind words I appreciate that. I will definitely go and try to talk to others instead.

[Catgotmytongue]

he still writes on my mums posts on fb. It’s not like they were friends. We have over 100 mutual friends.
I keep thinking am I meant to just sit back and let it all just work it’s own way out?

[healingme4me]

My exbf used to stay in contact with my mom. I viewed it as acceptable behavior even after the heartache. I knew that my maternal grandmom remained in contact with my uncle's exgfs. Seemed natural as she had also been friends with their parents as my mom was friend's with my exbf's family. And I remained in contact with his dad. Both our parents are now deceased but it was what it was.