Confused at a Crossroads

Hello all, new here. Posted originally in the sexuality forum but was directed to this one instead. I’m a 21-year-old in college and have, over the past year or two, come to deeply resent my sexuality (among other issues that I would like to seek a therapist’s advice for). Nothing online has described my situation to my liking, so here I am.

My father–and any male figure for that matter–left my life when I was 5. It has only been recently that I appreciate the impact this has had. I was agnostic to it as a kid (perhaps repressing it without knowing?). I was no younger than 12 when I realized that I liked boys aesthetically. I had a few minor gay experiences around then and soon began to watch gay porn and read gay stories, which I enjoyed despite my guilt for doing so. Occasionally, I would add women to the mix, and do find women attractive, but am more selective and type-oriented in my taste.

At 15, I accepted my sexuality, and even came out to my parents. It went very badly, but I was satisfied internally, and the issue slowly fell away externally. If it matters, it was at this time that I began to casually hook up with older men and others that I found repulsive. With each hook up, I realized a certain revulsion. Not only in an aesthetic or physical manner, but in my psyche as well. Intense bouts of depression and disgust with myself followed every encounter without fail. (This is why I have since stopped and do not intent to “relapse,” so to speak.)

Today, I actually feel better than I ever have in some ways. I’m goal-oriented and have a positive outlook most days, am doing well career- and school-wise, and have generally fine relationships with my small family and friend circle.
But I cannot imagine myself dating a man any longer, or even having sex with one. I long more and more for the relationship with a woman that I’ve never had, or even tried. I want a wife and kids and have this innate desire for a nuclear family almost to the point of self-flagellation. It certainly feels that way on a daily basis.

I don’t know if this is truly me, or who I truly am. And you can imagine the predicament of having gone through hell only to end up back where I “naturally should.” None of this is for religious or societal reasons, by the way. If that were the case, why would I have gone through hell at 15 in coming out.

I feel attractive and am fit and generally confident. But this confidence ends when I consider a girlfriend rather than a boyfriend. I don’t feel nearly good enough for a woman. I must be ugly, I tell myself, or not fit enough, or ill-prepared given my lack of experience with women despite my age. Not to mention I do have some feminine traits, which borderline haunt me. My voice not being stable or manly enough, or my walk, the way I move my arms. Not to mention the anxiety in my own head. How could she like me, she must see or feel my supposed gay-ness, after all.

What am I to do? Go back to the drawing board? Pursue the girl I like?

Sorry for the long-form rambling. If there is anything that I missed that would help, let me know. Thanks.

Do you have female friends? How do they and other women react too you now?

Yes, I have a few. There has been a bit of sexual tension at times between at least one of them that I mentioned above. My closest friends right now are guys, though.

Okay so it seems that there are women who accept you and get along with you.

I think that’s where a lot of guys start. They have some women who accept them, but they don’t know whether a specific woman who interests them is reciprocally interested.

What if you take the risk of finding out?

Definitely. Much of my life I've had only female friends with a few guys sprinkled in.

I'm open to risks and generally pretty confident but I am getting mixed signals that make me pause. Plus, I feel like I'm clunky or untrained in how to court women compared to men; not sure how to approach trying. It feels like I'm entering a whole new job with the wrong kind of experience.

Be yourself, do whatever it is you need to do to accept your past (you are fairly young, as the years go by and you meet different kinds of people, this will become easier) —read books, meditate, also watch content about inspiring, eccentric people—and you will eventually meet/ attract people who have complex stories themselves, who will understand you. Pursuing not only women, but anyone, with little knowledge of who you are can lead to painful outcomes.

Some will find your clumsiness and your lack of experience to be refreshing and endearing.

What sort of mixed signals are you getting?

You could read up a bit for advice on how to date, but I think that the main thing is to try. You will learn as you go.

Thank you. I realize that you're right on this point in a profound way; I try to learn more (in general and introspectively) and am more comfortable with myself every day. I guess I'm just impatient, since this relationship stuff has felt like a big missing puzzle piece. I should note that I've never been in a "proper" relationship, men included.

Thanks for all the help, Bill. I hope you're right about the first point haha.

Well, we are definitely friends as it stands, but it revolves mostly around our friend-group, which includes my two close guy friends. Mixed signals in that I've heard that she's into me (from my buddies, so who knows if it's true), but she can be standoffish sometimes and there's just this weird tension sometimes. She laughs pretty hard at jokes I tell, or just random things I say... sometimes the only one laughing. But she's also very detached sometimes and is, in my head at least, out of my league. We hang out at her apartment a good bit in the group. Is this what I've heard guys talk about forever in terms of a "friend-zone"? Lol. I wish she could give me some signal that I can run with. I worry we are too far into the friendship/group dynamic in the first place.

EDIT: Oh, and most important in all of this in terms of my hesitation is my fear that she thinks I'm gay. If she does, it nullifies all of this, no? I hate the idea of trying to "prove" I'm straight, especially when I'm working through it all still internally.

I agree that you should not try to”prove” that you are straight. On the other hand, though, isn’t it useful for people to be properly informed? Clearly, if she thinks you are gay, she isn’t going to give you anything you can run with. So it would be important that she is clear on that.

Your buddies say she is into you. Her standoffishness doesn’t necessarily contradict that. She might figure that she has already given you signals, such as the laughing. What signals have you given her? Could it be that she is standoffish because she is waiting for some reciprocity? And the weird tension: Same thing. Could it be that there is tension because what “should” be said on your part isn’t being said?

Hi hopelesslyunsatsfyd.

You don't mention how old you are now. But I can assure you that as we get older it is much much more about making a connection with a person than physical attractiveness. Finding a companion whom we are comfortable being ourselves with is a wonderful feeling.

Thank you again, you make great points. I think you're right and have come as close to a definitive "answer" as I'm going to get without making additional moves.

I don't know how I would go about talking about my sexuality or desire for a relationship without explicitly telling her my feelings. But maybe that's what needs to happen, even if it seems overt? I have no doubt that I haven't reciprocated in kind. Hope it isn't too late and she hasn't given up on whatever feelings she may have had in the past.

I think that if you make an overt effort in her direction you will be able to see in her response whether or not she thinks that you are gay.

Just to comment - "they say" gay / straight, masculine / feminine are on a continuum - some of us are just closer to the middle than to either end