I am really struggling

It’s been a month since I’ve been ghosted/discarded. My daughter is back in town and now I really wish my fiancé was here to help me but he’s gone without a trace. At the time we were in a relationship he had so much other stuff going on but now he’s free and he’s forsaken me.

Sorry you are having to go through this now. I hope things get better.

Hugs, leomama. So sorry you're dealing with the aftermath of your fiancé leaving you. Please be kind to yourself during this time. You deserve it.

I hate to say this but it sounds like you are much better off without him. The more things you do on your own the more independent you will grow.

I was 54 when I finally left my H. I had never lived alone & I bought my farm 2100 miles away from him in a town & state where I knew no one. After 11 years I had contact again for a court hearing against him. We actually had a civil closure. It was interesting because one of his comments was that he thought within 2 years I would come back & I never did. I lived my totally independent life alone with my farm & my dogs & real friends for the first time in my life.

There is a good life one can have after a bad relationship.

I am sorry. It’s really unkind of him to ghost you like this. It shows you what kind of person he is.

But I’d say if he told you he broke up with you a year ago, he maybe doesn’t consider you two a couple. It sounds that you two were not on the same page and had a bit different vision of all this. I’d ship him a ring (if he didn’t take it when he broke up with you), hopefully you have his address and be done. I’d not expect his help with anything.

You spent so many years waiting for him. Waiting for his visits or for his divorce. Time to enjoy your life not waiting for anyone.

I'm sorry you're struggling right now.

No he doesn't, although he said to me if he had a girlfriend it was me, he actually gave me back his ring. He broke up with me but then asked me out for my birthday months later and told me loved me just last month. I don't have his address.
Yes I waited and waited only to have my heart broken. Ironic isn't it?

I'm tired of being on my own and independent. Now I have one failed marriage and one failed engagement. I've been on my own since I was 18. I definitely don't think I'm better off with him.

I'm trying, I feel like an idiot.

You are not an idiot at all. You sound like a caring and kind person who is starving for love maybe? If that is true, there's nothing wrong with that. A lot of us feel the desire and need for romantic love and to be coupled with someone. You are not alone in that, that's for sure.

Edit: I think he is the idiot. He was very careless with your heart.

He’ll say I was careless with his. And yes I’m starved for love but only his. Yes I am caring. See I pushed him away when he wanted to get back together with me because I wanted him to be divorced first. I had been through too much already . Maybe that was the wrong way to handle it but it’s what I did. He refused to cooperate. All I wanted was a copy of his divorce papers. He broke up with me before it was stamped. I wanted to reconcile with him at church and he refused. He wanted to reconcile outside of church. In the end he left me.

What ring did he send you? He had engagement ring? It’s unusual for a guy but regardless if he sent it back to you, engagement was over. You don’t know address of someone you were engaged to? How that’s possible? You are better off. The whole thing is really not sounding like something you need in your life.

He left it on my door in a shoe. And I don’t know his current address. Yes he broke my heart. He thought I didn’t love him but I never returned the ring. That indicated I did still love him. The problem was his not mine.

I bolded "the problem was his not mine," because it jumped out at me. It sounds like he was the one with an issue, not you. I in no way want to rush your grieving process or tell you how to feel about him. But I'm wondering if that brings you solace (that the issue was his own, not yours). Regardless, I will think of you tonight. Wishing you self care.

It’s all so stupid. He threw a perfectly good relationship away. I’m afraid he’s being advised by ppl who don’t like me.

that was wise. If someone is not divorced no way should you get involved with them

that was a very reasonable demand
sounds to me like you had serious irreconcilable differences. That is no way sounds like a perfectly good relationship to me

I'm so sorry you're struggling, leomama I understand you're feeling hurt. But it doesn't sound like he respected you that much. Either way, it's over now and it doesn't seem like he will be coming back... I'm sorry. Perhaps it's just time to move on. Life isn't over yet and you deserve someone who loves and respects you. While you wait, just try to take care of yourself. You're a wonderful person and you're worth it. Also remember that we're here for you. Feel free to share and vent here. We'll listen to what you have to say. We care about you. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this

I honestly don’t understand how you can call it perfectly good relationship. Everything what you ever shared about him and two of you interacting sounds very unhealthy. Plus you two barely ever saw each other. You saw him once last year. And not much before that. Who even knows what he really was up to. Especially since he is a liar.

It seems like your expectations of normal relationship was very reasonable: don’t be married, come see me without me begging you, don’t lie, show me divorce papers etc he never met those reasonable expectations. He was never a good partner. Also honestly if you want someone to be with you, you can’t pressure them. He didn’t want to reconcile and didn’t want to visit. You don’t need to pursue men. You worth better than that

It also looks that what you wanted and thought was going on between you two, wasn’t really what was going on. If he was broken up with you and even returned his ring, you can’t consider yourself engaged or him your fiancée. Simply because you kept a ring, doesn’t make engagement real. I am not saying it’s right of him to block you and stop all communications in this unkind manner but he might sending a message that’s time to move on.

That long after break up no need to keep trying to rekindle it. I’d stop contacting him and try to find distraction to get through it.

He’s responded to me so I’ll take it from here.

He is likely playing games. No man with serious intentions and deep feelings for a woman, would behave in this manner towards her. Unless he was in coma for a month, there is no excuse to act this way. This “hot and cold” thing he is playing with you for years isn’t a proper way to treat people.

I've been betrayed as well; just last month and I apologize if I'm a little curt here but that's due to my personality, nothing personal; I really think, leo, that either you are compromising on your standards when it comes to mates (this should be done realistically, of course) or you're aiming for higher value mates (in terms of the mating market). Whenever someone of greater mating value would be with you they are quite likely to ditch you because the relationship is not advantageous to them.


Hence, perhaps, you should focus on improving your own mate value (looks, charm, social position etc.,) and then go back into the mating market or aim for someone who is looking for the same thing but of the complimentary mate value as you.

In either case, leo, I think you should learn to live with your lonliness as well because there are no guarantees in this world. If you must be your own best asset then you should be that and this strategy also has the added benefits of giving you the best chances of thriving in whatever your environment becomes.

I'm sorry but that's how I view the world; brutal ground realities aren't easy to digest but they cannot be ignored. Hence, I would much rather embrace them and do what I can.


I hope my input helps and if I have offended you then I sincerely apologize, my intent was to be useful.

Regards.

Very well said & sage wise advice that I have personally experienced myself.

Improve my looks? did you see my avatar? No it’s the first one.

Looks is not as important. Being independent & able to take or leave guys puts you in control rather than being a victim of some guys whim. A much safer place to be.

Also having rules of who you are willing to get involved with. On my list is "NO MARRIED MAN" no matter how much they tell me they are going to get a divorce. Don't waste my time until you are duvorced then IF I am still available at that time I will determine my interest then. Having boundaries/ rules to live by definitely saves a lot of grief.