I am really struggling

I’m the one that pushed him away because of what we had been through but I want him back now. He said he wants to get back with me. We’ll see. Higher value? that would be me

Just because someone says they want to get back with you doesn't mean it is the right thing for you to do.

If yiu like being treated like crap...go for it but why anyone would willingly be treated like that by someone whosebreputation is already proved is totally beyond me. Desperate women never cpme out ahead or happy.

I’m not desperate . I want to reconcile with the man I love.

In any terms that spells desperate. Maybe you need to re-evaluate what you really want & why.

You focus on words a lot. You’d be better off if you look into people’s actions. This guy says a lot of things. His actions speak otherwise. Your standards in men are rather low. If you keep standards low, you’ll have low quality men and low quality relationship. Maybe improving your own life and your self esteem will get you better men (nothing to do wuth looks)

You long distance dated married man for 3 years, dating is a stretch here as you always had to beg him to see you. But he was married. Then he took another two years to get divorced. Before he even got divorced he broke up wuth you and ended engagement.

Year later you still claim to be engaged and keep begging for him to see you. You are willing to put up wuth him ghosting you for a month. He treats you poorly and plays games and you send him a message that you have no self respect by begging him.

Start respecting yourself. I understand you want to reconcile but it takes two. If a man wants you, nothing will stop him. And if he respects you, he’d treat you well. He has no respect for you. You are starved for his love but he shows you none. He just says things.

Why oh why you keep pursuing him?

I want back what I had because it was wonderful. I’m not desperate, I’m in love, there’s a difference .

I didn’t have to beg him to see me for three years. And I know what he’s capable of doing.

Perhaps you are talking about two different men as your posts contradict each other. Yes he maybe is capable of responding to your messages and not hiding from you and he is probably capable of seeing you and being a couple. But he doesn’t do any of it. In reality none of it is happening. You wanting things to be certain way doesn’t make it so.

Good therapy could help you to develop better understanding of good relationship as well as healthy self respect. Your actions towards this man aren’t showing any self respect.

I understand you are in love. But it doesn’t mean you need to lose self respect or be in pain. Love doesn’t need to be pain or desperation. You don’t need to be putting up wuth nonsense or degrade yourself just because you are in love. Love doesn’t equate pain and desperation.

I’m not talking about two different men. At any rate it doesn’t seem like there’s much to talk about here.

You call that wonderful? Wow...what low standard world do you live in that being treated like trash equals wonderful?

Maybe you have never been treated with respect so you don't even know how to respect yourself....but a good quality relationship that involves TRUE LOVE in no way resembles what you had. You are only fooling yourself. Lying to yourself doesn't change reality.

I understand that you’ve been through some trauma. My fiancé also has aspergers and from what I’ve read that can cause someone to be abusive. I also have ptsd and my mother has also accused me of being abusive, although in my case she was abusive to me as a child and there is a record of that.
It takes a lot for a spouse of a person with aspergers to support their partner and hang in there with them.

I had a dad who had aspergers long before the dx ever existed & martied a guy I lived with who also had undisgnosed aspergers....long before dx was ever known about in the US. I know exactly the problems it creates though each person is totally different in how it manifests itself in a relationship. I also know that the more problens that one has themselves the less able they are to be the kind of support needed.

I can also tell you that after 54 years of living around that.....I finally found peace in my life when I finally left.

So you want to continue your life of feeling abused by those around you? What possible reason could you have to knowingly make that choice. You love feeling abused? What makes you think you even have the necessary skills to deal with a partner like that?

How about I believe it is possible to be in a relationship with a person with aspergers and be ok? Initially I left the person because I couldn’t handle it but I took some time off and realized how much I loved him. I know that people with aspergers can be abusive. I also know people with ptsd can be abusive. You found your peace in separation. I found no peace in separation. I know there are whole websites dedicated to partners of aspergers. We can’t help who we love, we love who we love. Is it wrong of me to love someone with aspergers?

It isn't wrong in itself but its wrong if you think a person who abuses you is going to treat you better just because you love him. Think about the quality of that person.

Of course it’s possible to be in a relationship with people with ASD (or any disorder) and it’s possible to be ok. But you are neither in the relationship with him nor you are ok.

No it’s not wrong to love anyone. How much of it is a reality though? Or just loving a fantasy? You saw this man hand full of times in that many years. One time in the past three years. And before that it was always a struggle to get him to see you. How much do you know him?

Plus if the guy broke up wuth you, you two aren’t in a relationship and he isn’t with you, forcing him to be with you isn’t accomplishing anything. Insisting he needs to come back to you because you want him to isn’t going to make it so. It doesn’t matter what he has or how much you want him to do things differently. He isn’t doing it. That’s the bottom line. You can spend another 6 years pursuing him or you can stop now.

Does your therapist or psychiatrist have any opinion on this?

handful of times over 3 years? No.
As I said he replied to me.
I never had to struggle to get him to see me. Where did you get that idea? I said I’ve seen him once this year and that was my fault.
You’re convinced that it and I are bad. Cant reason with that.

I never said that. I know when he gets angry, I get hurt.

Just going by what you said. Regardless if it was good or bad, he broke up with you in November 2017 and you yourself said he was trying to get rid of you for a year. You wanting to reunite isn’t enough. I understand it hurts but after a year you might need to accept a reality and work on moving on. You are driving yourself insane trying to get him back. You can certainly keep trying for more years to come if that makes you happy. But you post because you are in pain and you losing all self respect in the process coming across desperate. But we can’t stop you of course. Good luck with this

No it is not wrong to love someone with aspergers but it is wrong to stay in an abusive relationship for any reason.

Not all people with ASD are abusive especially not in the way this guy is....but he has proved what he is like. If you yourself grew up around abuse & learned abusive techniques yourself you are just adding gasoline to fire.....not a good combination.

Sorry but I don't buy that fable that we can't help who we love. That is just an excuse & to validate themselves for staying with the wrong person.

First off one gets to REALLY know a person before falling in love & if there are serious red flags one leaves before ever getting emotionally involved. One can still use a combination of one's logical & emotional mind in picking out someone to love. Attraction to someone may exist but in no way is that love. REAL LOVE grows between 2 people out of mutual respect & common values & showing true care & committment for each other. One sided committment does NOT create REAL LOVE. Anything else is either being in love with a fantasy that one creates about the person or just infatuation.

I question that what you are feeling about this abusive person is REAL LOVE.

We had a committed relationship and he believes I ended it.

Actually I didn’t try to get him back until now and that’s what so shocking to him. He doesn’t understand or believe it. I could drive myself insane, if I wasn’t praying and I wasn’t staying connected . Thank you for the good wishes.

If he broke up with you two months before his divorce was final how is he believing that you ended it?

It also isn’t possible to be in a commited relationship with married people. And since he became single he left you, two months before divorce was final, so at no point he was commited to you.

Maybe you see it as commited relationship because you are commited to him, which I totally see as you devoted so many years to him. But it’s not how commited relationship work. You being commited to a person doesn’t make it commited relationship, it has to be mutual commitment. You calling him your fiancée, wearing a ring and saying you are engaged a year after a break up, doesn’t make you engaged.

That’s why I think working with a professional could help you to to understand what it means to be in a commited relationship and distinguish between reality and fantasy.

you think I’m living in a fantasy? I don’t think he and I are in committed relationship today, quite the opposite. Instead of telling me I’m crazy and I need help why not tell me it sounds like you really love this man and I hope things work out. That’s what I would tell a friend. I would tell them that sounds really rough, I’m sorry they are suffering and I hope things work out, not tell them to go to therapy because they are deluded.

leomama, I think you need to understand "his" challenge better. He doesn't get back to you or respond to you in a normal way because in most cases individuals with Asperger need to be told how to respond. You have shared that you think other people are advising him and saying bad things about you. What you need to understand is that because he doesn't know how to respond to you he tends to ask others. Actually there are three different series on TV that have characters that have Asperger and in each case these characters struggle with empathy and knowing how to interact with others in relationships. There is Sheldon in the Big Bang Theory, and Young Sheldon, and The Good Doctor. Each character struggles with understanding others and having what is considered normal relationships. They are all pretty much in their own little world and it's not unusual for them to avoid interacting altogether.

Your frustration about how this individual you love is responding to you tend to lean towards you self blaming when in fact you are comparing oranges to apples. The silence isn't a game with them, instead it means they genuinely don't know how to respond. Your reasoning that you have a problem too in that you have ptsd is NOT going to change the fact that HIS problem is very different, his anger is VERY different and he is incapable of empathizing with your problem and your emotional needs.

I dint think you are crazy at all. Many people get into messy, ugly and bad situations. Doesn’t make them crazy.

But no I dont hope that things work out with this man as you loving him isn’t enough. He isn’t a good partner. There is a very unhealthy pattern going on and I don’t wish on anyone to live like this. I do not believe good friend would advice you to continue pursuing unsuitable partners. I hope you wouldn’t tell your good friends to chase men who ditched them and weren’t nice to them.

Yes I believe in good therapy helping to break unhealthy relationship patterns. Therapy isn’t for crazy people-“crazy “it’s not even a proper term. Therapy could be helpful for anyone