[Idontknowwhy234]

We have been married 15 years, It has been a very difficult and unhealthy marriage. Nothing about our marriage was ever based on an emotional connection. Physical at best.
We have four kids now, and after returning back to work after staying home with our children and supporting him through out his military career, transition into civilian career and through getting his bachelors degree along with other moves. I finally went back to school and got an associates, after that, I went to work a dead end retail job, finally moving into a work from home project management, low paying long hours career change. I am still starting at the bottom in hopes of working my way up.
He is settled into his career.
We have never had a partnership. We also have nothing in common.He still wants sex and it is his top complaint in our marriage. We have done counseling, we have done marriage intensive. We are still very broken. He became "Christian" again many years ago, and while the idea that of him believing in God was not an issue for me, the obsession he had with specific people and specific churches have been. It has also been a reason I will never believe. He has always had some kind of obsession that has replaced me forever. However there was only one point in time that he did not physically want me in a sexual way. This was after our first move to a new duty station and during this time he actually stayed out of the house even staying at his bachelor friends room on base. Since then, he wants sex, usually on his terms. Even now, he wants sex, and when I tell him how something he has just done makes me feel, it is always turned into what I don't do for him. I am currently in my own counseling, working on myself. I have been told I can't expect what I need if I don't give what he needs. But there is no emotional connection, how is it he physically needs sex from me if he doesn't connect with me at all even during sex. At one point (and we were in marriage counseling when this happened, we attempted new things sexually. He found he really liked it and actually wants it. While I know it does not explain he's gay persay, there are a lot of different cues I'm realizing that could be. He has always made jokes regarding Gays. Despite his family having a close family friend who is Gay. After third child was born, and he was "Christian again" he tells me how he told the men in his "Men's group about him being molested. The incident, was him as a teenager meeting some guy online and he came over and he snuck out to go to the guys car and the guy gave him head. I was confused at this, because he had never told me this before. He swore up and down that he said it during counseling years before, this is not the first account of something he tells me he has said, but had not, and he gets angry as if I just forgot. Most of the time, he just forgets and he has admitted that many times, but of course when brought up, he says he's never admitted to ever saying he forgets things.
He is also very obsessed with his friends. Most of the time, it's his best friend from high school, but here and there, there are other men. He gets close to them, and then things seem to slow down. Most of the time there's a lot of gay jokes that pass between them, but a lot of it really seems to be him making those jokes.
He tells me now, that he is empty, and that is why he can't remember to do the things I've outright asked him to do, specifically planning dates, but also the little things like writing me notes. He just doesn't have anything romantic for me. But he has taken his daughter on daddy daughter dates because he wants her to know how she should be treated when she dates.
He is very smart, and he is has a way with words, just not a way with words for me. He calls me passive aggressive, and I have been told consistently by counselors that I am, but nobody gets to the underlining reason behind it. I try to tell him how something makes me feel and he gets angry. He curses at me more when talking to me, when I ask him to please not curse. He knows I don't like it, and continues to do it. During our marriage intensive we had a male and female counselor, he obviously had the male and I had the female counselor. During this time, he seemed more buddy buddy with him, rather than working on any issues, and ultimately it was all brought down to the reason why we were having these issues was because I was insecure when he says I love you, and I wouldn't accept that he really loves me.
I am still there. for a couple years he told me I needed to be on meds. I went and got meds, it actually made me feel worse taking them. I disconnected myself from my children and slept more than I should but yet, I had trouble really sleeping. I went back a few times, then stopped it all, I got a job, I had friends, I was a little more independent at this point, but things between us got worse. I went back again, and she told me no you are only situational depressed. I can't stop these running thoughts in my head that maybe he's Gay but either doesn't know it himself or is masking those thoughts with his anger and sex obsession.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Idontknowwhy: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral.

I'm sorry you have encountered this difficulty in your marriage. You asked if it is possible your husband is gay. I don't believe there is any way for anyone to know that for sure unless your husband would decide he is & he tells people he is. That is, it seems to me, the bottom line.

The other thing I might mention here, though, is that sexual orientation is no longer considered to be the simple binary (straight / gay) it used to be viewed as. Sexual orientation is now looked at more as being on a continuum with straight & gay being at the opposite ends of the spectrum. So, while your husband may or may not be "gay", it is also possible that his sexual orientation lies somewhere in between. Or, in the alternative, perhaps he is completely heterosexual & all of what you are experiencing with him has to do with as yet undiagnosed mental health issues. Really... there's no way to tell that I know of short of your husband engaging in in-depth individual therapy in order to figure out what he's struggling with & what to do about it.

So the more pertinent question here, to my way of thinking, may be what are you... what can you... do about all of this. I don't recall if you said whether or not you're seeing a counselor or therapist at the present time yourself. However, if not, I would think something of that sort might be what you would want to do in order to come to some decisions with regard to where you want to go with all of this. It's going to take time & effort to do that I would imagine. In the meantime, hopefully, coming here to PC can be of some comfort & support. I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by Idontknowwhy234

We have been married 15 years, It has been a very difficult and unhealthy marriage. Nothing about our marriage was ever based on an emotional connection. Physical at best.
We have four kids now, and after returning back to work after staying home with our children and supporting him through out his military career, transition into civilian career and through getting his bachelors degree along with other moves. I finally went back to school and got an associates, after that, I went to work a dead end retail job, finally moving into a work from home project management, low paying long hours career change. I am still starting at the bottom in hopes of working my way up.
He is settled into his career.
We have never had a partnership. We also have nothing in common.He still wants sex and it is his top complaint in our marriage. We have done counseling, we have done marriage intensive. We are still very broken. He became "Christian" again many years ago, and while the idea that of him believing in God was not an issue for me, the obsession he had with specific people and specific churches have been. It has also been a reason I will never believe. He has always had some kind of obsession that has replaced me forever. However there was only one point in time that he did not physically want me in a sexual way. This was after our first move to a new duty station and during this time he actually stayed out of the house even staying at his bachelor friends room on base. Since then, he wants sex, usually on his terms. Even now, he wants sex, and when I tell him how something he has just done makes me feel, it is always turned into what I don't do for him. I am currently in my own counseling, working on myself. I have been told I can't expect what I need if I don't give what he needs. But there is no emotional connection, how is it he physically needs sex from me if he doesn't connect with me at all even during sex. At one point (and we were in marriage counseling when this happened, we attempted new things sexually. He found he really liked it and actually wants it. While I know it does not explain he's gay persay, there are a lot of different cues I'm realizing that could be. He has always made jokes regarding Gays. Despite his family having a close family friend who is Gay. After third child was born, and he was "Christian again" he tells me how he told the men in his "Men's group about him being molested. The incident, was him as a teenager meeting some guy online and he came over and he snuck out to go to the guys car and the guy gave him head. I was confused at this, because he had never told me this before. He swore up and down that he said it during counseling years before, this is not the first account of something he tells me he has said, but had not, and he gets angry as if I just forgot. Most of the time, he just forgets and he has admitted that many times, but of course when brought up, he says he's never admitted to ever saying he forgets things.
He is also very obsessed with his friends. Most of the time, it's his best friend from high school, but here and there, there are other men. He gets close to them, and then things seem to slow down. Most of the time there's a lot of gay jokes that pass between them, but a lot of it really seems to be him making those jokes.
He tells me now, that he is empty, and that is why he can't remember to do the things I've outright asked him to do, specifically planning dates, but also the little things like writing me notes. He just doesn't have anything romantic for me. But he has taken his daughter on daddy daughter dates because he wants her to know how she should be treated when she dates.
He is very smart, and he is has a way with words, just not a way with words for me. He calls me passive aggressive, and I have been told consistently by counselors that I am, but nobody gets to the underlining reason behind it. I try to tell him how something makes me feel and he gets angry. He curses at me more when talking to me, when I ask him to please not curse. He knows I don't like it, and continues to do it. During our marriage intensive we had a male and female counselor, he obviously had the male and I had the female counselor. During this time, he seemed more buddy buddy with him, rather than working on any issues, and ultimately it was all brought down to the reason why we were having these issues was because I was insecure when he says I love you, and I wouldn't accept that he really loves me.
I am still there. for a couple years he told me I needed to be on meds. I went and got meds, it actually made me feel worse taking them. I disconnected myself from my children and slept more than I should but yet, I had trouble really sleeping. I went back a few times, then stopped it all, I got a job, I had friends, I was a little more independent at this point, but things between us got worse. I went back again, and she told me no you are only situational depressed. I can't stop these running thoughts in my head that maybe he's Gay but either doesn't know it himself or is masking those thoughts with his anger and sex obsession.

Your post and another that was in a similar vein once again make me think PC should consider having a forum for people to discuss graphic sex acts while at the same time discussing their relationship. This is clearly how some people view relationships: as a series of physical acts. Having a forum where newcomers can post their sexual stories would be a way to gather them all together and to find support among other like-minded people.

If you want to know if your husband considers himself homosexual, ask him. Of course he could deny being homosexual and still actually be homosexual. He could also be a person who wants sex whenever and with whomever and however he wants it without regard to there being a label placed upon it.

There are men--and women--and every human permutation in between--who relate to other humans sexually as their primary means of relating. This may be what you are dealing with.

It seems to me you are coming from some sort of background that has different ideas about the nature of a marriage (or primary relationship). It also seems to me that whatever counseling you have had hasn't helped, particularly whoever it was who put you on medication at the request of someone else and without proper diagnosis. Passive aggression is ultimately self-defeating although you might not realize that until very far down the road. Nevertheless I invite you to consider saying forthrightly what you want, and formulating a plan in your own mind and heart about what you will do when you don't get it. I speculate you will not get a satisfactory response from your husband.

What does this mean? Start planning for a life without him. There is no need to "disconnect" from the children you brought into the world. Regardless of your husband's orientation and your feelings about it, the children are the helpless victims here of your dysfunctional relationship. Instead of disconnecting from them, model for them what a healthy parent does when life hands them a curveball: find work that is fulfilling, develop friendships that are rewarding, encourage the children to study and play healthfully and allow them to have as healthy a relationship as they can with their father until or unless he does something that puts them in jeopardy.

Your husband isn't in control of whether you have faith or not; regardless of how you view how he expresses himself. Another healthy thing to model for your children is holding your own well-thought out ideas and not blaming others for what you do or do not believe.

For me; I wouldn't want a 'life-partner' who wanted to "hang out" (either vertically or horizontally) with multiple other crushes (male or female) and I would have zero interest in anyone who thought of me as merely a receptacle for sexual release. You will need to decide for yourself what you do or do not want--and proceed accordingly.

I wish you and your children the best. I am guessing your husband will land on his feet no matter what, given his track record of getting his own way--time to let him get his own way--without using you to do it. Ya think?

[Travelinglady]

I think there's a range to sexual orientation--not an either-or. He does sound like he needs male friends more than you--and there could be an underlying sexual desire there.

I'm concerned about the lack of your connecting with each other, and if he's a Christian, then to me he should be less selfish. I, too, think individual counseling is the way you should go--and you can decide during your work with a therapist how you want to go with the marriage. You certainly sound unhappy.

Welcome to Psych Central! I'm glad you're here.

[Open Eyes]

Maybe he is worried that he is gay because of what he experienced. Maybe he is obsessed with being around other guys and tells gay jokes because it's his way of trying to get over what he experienced that he STILL struggles with even now OR, he needs to tell gay jokes because he is in denial and might actually be gay. As far as him not really paying attention to you and your needs? Well, it sounds like his own needs and challenge with never getting over what he experienced pretty much takes up all his attention where he is simply very SELF ABSORBED.

A lot of men really don't want to be gay even though they may have urges. I am wondering if he wants sex with you so much because its a part of him trying to convince himself he doesn't have a problem and is normal. Also, sometimes individuals do turn to religion in an effort to find some inner peace. IMHO, your husband should be seeing a therapist so he can get these deep frustrations out and vent.

You can't fix this problem either and if you are not happy with him then you should be looking for a way to end this relationship and be on your own where eventually you can meet someone who CAN see you and give you the attention and things you need.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you're struggling, Idontknowwhy234 It doesn't sounds like an happy, healthy relationship. I think you may want to see a therapist, individually this time, and see where to go from there. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by Idontknowwhy234

We have been married 15 years, It has been a very difficult and unhealthy marriage. Nothing about our marriage was ever based on an emotional connection. Physical at best.
We have four kids now, and after returning back to work after staying home with our children and supporting him through out his military career, transition into civilian career and through getting his bachelors degree along with other moves. I finally went back to school and got an associates, after that, I went to work a dead end retail job, finally moving into a work from home project management, low paying long hours career change. I am still starting at the bottom in hopes of working my way up.
He is settled into his career.
We have never had a partnership. We also have nothing in common.He still wants sex and it is his top complaint in our marriage. We have done counseling, we have done marriage intensive. We are still very broken. He became "Christian" again many years ago, and while the idea that of him believing in God was not an issue for me, the obsession he had with specific people and specific churches have been. It has also been a reason I will never believe. He has always had some kind of obsession that has replaced me forever. However there was only one point in time that he did not physically want me in a sexual way. This was after our first move to a new duty station and during this time he actually stayed out of the house even staying at his bachelor friends room on base. Since then, he wants sex, usually on his terms. Even now, he wants sex, and when I tell him how something he has just done makes me feel, it is always turned into what I don't do for him. I am currently in my own counseling, working on myself. I have been told I can't expect what I need if I don't give what he needs. But there is no emotional connection, how is it he physically needs sex from me if he doesn't connect with me at all even during sex. At one point (and we were in marriage counseling when this happened, we attempted new things sexually. He found he really liked it and actually wants it. While I know it does not explain he's gay persay, there are a lot of different cues I'm realizing that could be. He has always made jokes regarding Gays. Despite his family having a close family friend who is Gay. After third child was born, and he was "Christian again" he tells me how he told the men in his "Men's group about him being molested. The incident, was him as a teenager meeting some guy online and he came over and he snuck out to go to the guys car and the guy gave him head. I was confused at this, because he had never told me this before. He swore up and down that he said it during counseling years before, this is not the first account of something he tells me he has said, but had not, and he gets angry as if I just forgot. Most of the time, he just forgets and he has admitted that many times, but of course when brought up, he says he's never admitted to ever saying he forgets things.
He is also very obsessed with his friends. Most of the time, it's his best friend from high school, but here and there, there are other men. He gets close to them, and then things seem to slow down. Most of the time there's a lot of gay jokes that pass between them, but a lot of it really seems to be him making those jokes.
He tells me now, that he is empty, and that is why he can't remember to do the things I've outright asked him to do, specifically planning dates, but also the little things like writing me notes. He just doesn't have anything romantic for me. But he has taken his daughter on daddy daughter dates because he wants her to know how she should be treated when she dates.
He is very smart, and he is has a way with words, just not a way with words for me. He calls me passive aggressive, and I have been told consistently by counselors that I am, but nobody gets to the underlining reason behind it. I try to tell him how something makes me feel and he gets angry. He curses at me more when talking to me, when I ask him to please not curse. He knows I don't like it, and continues to do it. During our marriage intensive we had a male and female counselor, he obviously had the male and I had the female counselor. During this time, he seemed more buddy buddy with him, rather than working on any issues, and ultimately it was all brought down to the reason why we were having these issues was because I was insecure when he says I love you, and I wouldn't accept that he really loves me.
I am still there. for a couple years he told me I needed to be on meds. I went and got meds, it actually made me feel worse taking them. I disconnected myself from my children and slept more than I should but yet, I had trouble really sleeping. I went back a few times, then stopped it all, I got a job, I had friends, I was a little more independent at this point, but things between us got worse. I went back again, and she told me no you are only situational depressed. I can't stop these running thoughts in my head that maybe he's Gay but either doesn't know it himself or is masking those thoughts with his anger and sex obsession.

I don't think that your husband is gay at all. A lot of straight people make joke about gay. Perhaps the way he deals with the trauma he experience is by making gay jokes. Perhaps he thought he was meeting someone else online like a girl and end up being hurt really bad. You might not realize were are hurting him instead of making him feel safe.

[divine1966]

I don’t think it even matters if he is gay or not. Your marriage doesn’t sound healthy and happy to me. If after that many years, you are both unhappy why not go separate ways? Life is too short to be miserable

[Idontknowwhy234]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Maybe he is worried that he is gay because of what he experienced. Maybe he is obsessed with being around other guys and tells gay jokes because it's his way of trying to get over what he experienced that he STILL struggles with even now OR, he needs to tell gay jokes because he is in denial and might actually be gay. As far as him not really paying attention to you and your needs? Well, it sounds like his own needs and challenge with never getting over what he experienced pretty much takes up all his attention where he is simply very SELF ABSORBED.

A lot of men really don't want to be gay even though they may have urges. I am wondering if he wants sex with you so much because its a part of him trying to convince himself he doesn't have a problem and is normal. Also, sometimes individuals do turn to religion in an effort to find some inner peace. IMHO, your husband should be seeing a therapist so he can get these deep frustrations out and vent.

You can't fix this problem either and if you are not happy with him then you should be looking for a way to end this relationship and be on your own where eventually you can meet someone who CAN see you and give you the attention and things you need.

This is exactly what I was trying to ask. I don’t have a way with words and honestly the self confidence any longer. 15 years of this has been very difficult for me. I’m most definitely not the same person I was when I first met him. I am in counseling. He has not gone to individual counseling other than his psychiatrist that he was going for his ADD medication. There was a point in time I remember he came home from an appt and he said this new psychiatrist didn’t think he was just ADD but also bipolar. She wanted to put him on some medication, but Of course he said no. And he never went back to her. He actually has been off the adderall for a little while now because of the new psychiatrist in the office said his blood pressure was too high for her to rewrite the script. He hasn’t been back.

The last really big fight was a couple months ago. I wanted him to leave again. It was late and he went to his truck to sleep ( he also had too much to drink that night) he ended up coming back in the house through my back bedroom door as I had locked the other door to where he couldn’t come back in. I felt nervous and couldn’t sleep very well. He asked if he could sleep on the couch and I said ok. I stayed in my room, with the door open. The kids were asleep. He came into the bedroom not to long later and asked if he could lay in the bed. Reluctantly I said ok. I couldn’t handle it though, and left the room. I didn’t sleep at all. He was in the house and honestly that point I was scared. Later that morning he wrote me a note sitting in the kitchen. Telling me how empty he is, and it’s why he couldn’t do the things I needed him to do. Ultimately, he asked to stay. I agreed. From there it’s just day to day. He gives me a kiss almost every time he leaves for work and I’m in the house. I recently found out he’s told our 15 year old that he smokes weed.
I’m not ok with this. At all. But I’m afraid of how to bring it up to
Him for fear it starts yet another argument. This argument would somehow turn into something about how I do things wrong.
I don’t know for sure that my counseling is helping. Every time I do talk to my counselor I feel worse than I do better. My situation isn’t just easy to leave. I’m afraid for my kids and honestly afraid of what he could be capable of. ( not really saying violence, but his words cut a lot deeper than hitting) and he has made it clear that divorce will be nasty and he would try to take my kids from me. My oldest already hates me. He also blames me for all of our problems. I know he doesn’t see the whole picture, but he sees and hears enough. Mostly, how his father only complains when I tell him how something he’s done makes me feel. I have to go out of town for three days for work starting Sunday. This will be my first ever business trip, and honestly only my second time leaving my kids with my husband overnight. I actually fear going. Because I don’t know if he will say something to my kids, if he’s planning something, or what. The lack of communication leads me to always fear what he is thinking.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Maybe he is worried that he is gay because of what he experienced. Maybe he is obsessed with being around other guys and tells gay jokes because it's his way of trying to get over what he experienced that he STILL struggles with even now OR, he needs to tell gay jokes because he is in denial and might actually be gay. As far as him not really paying attention to you and your needs? Well, it sounds like his own needs and challenge with never getting over what he experienced pretty much takes up all his attention where he is simply very SELF ABSORBED.

A lot of men really don't want to be gay even though they may have urges. I am wondering if he wants sex with you so much because its a part of him trying to convince himself he doesn't have a problem and is normal. Also, sometimes individuals do turn to religion in an effort to find some inner peace. IMHO, your husband should be seeing a therapist so he can get these deep frustrations out and vent.

I had experienced "experimenting" at a young age and for quite some time it bothered me that it happened. This was for years into my teen years that it concerned me so there is some weight to this idea for sure. I never went out of my way to do heterosexual things or anything, but I can understand this completely that some people might over-compensate in the way mentioned above.

[Idontknowwhy234]

Originally Posted by Buffy01

I don't think that your husband is gay at all. A lot of straight people make joke about gay. Perhaps the way he deals with the trauma he experience is by making gay jokes. Perhaps he thought he was meeting someone else online like a girl and end up being hurt really bad. You might not realize were are hurting him instead of making him feel safe.

How am I making him feel unsafe? I have not brought any of this up to him. If I am I really need to know what I am doing so I can work to change that?
Going to church with him is not an answer. I have gone with him in the past, more than once. As the counselor suggested a year ago to not go just because he wants me to. In the past, I gave him an ultimatum, now before you judge, please listen to why. I asked him to find another church, not to give up going altogether. I told him I would go with him. We would go as a family and find a place we both felt comfortable at. He had failed me as my husband a lot during his time at that church. He hurt me a lot. One major instance was when he was scheduled to work( volunteer) security for a concert at that church. I was pregnant with our third child, earlier that day I was having contractions and I was a scheduled c section. I was told by my doctor to go in if they started to get closer. By early afternoon I was in the hospital. Contractions slowed again so they sent me home. He left me with our two kids and went to volunteer that evening. I was still having sporadic contractions throughout that evening. I also cried all night laying with my two boys, trying to keep them close. I was a mess because of it. It wasn’t until after our son was born I had to put my foot down. He chose the church, and I went with him. Maybe I wasn’t ok with it and I was a bad person for my mood while going I don’t know, but I went. His best friend was actually in the process of leaving the church and his volunteer duties because of I still don’t know why exactly. At that same time, the pastor and many others would actually say things that made my husband look bad. It eventually pushed him out of the church and he left and followed a junior pastor to another church.
Eventually he left that church, but to this day says I was the reason. He stopped going to church for awhile, despite that I said I would go to another place with him, as he was clearly unhappy with not going to church. We tried a couple places, ( literally two) but he didn’t like any, and ultimately went to his friends church and that same scenario started all over again. It was brought up in counseling and our marriage intensive. I was told not to go if I did not really want to go. I have not gone. There are times he doesn’t go, but more often than not he goes. We don’t fight about it but there’s plenty of “I miss you even though you are here at the house and working from home everyday”
I do work a lot and for very little pay.
But it was a step i made to still work and still be here for the kids and not work 115 hours in two weeks outside of the home being exhausted when I was home. Now I can’t be out of the house for long because I work so much and ultimately can’t be away from the computer for long.

[Idontknowwhy234]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

I had experienced "experimenting" at a young age and for quite some time it bothered me that it happened. This was for years into my teen years that it concerned me so there is some weight to this idea for sure. I never went out of my way to do heterosexual things or anything, but I can understand this completely that some people might over-compensate in the way mentioned above.

That is what I was wondering.
His story behind the situation had holes in it. Nothing pointed to him being tricked into thinking he was meeting with a girl. And he was really not physically forced to do anything. It sounded more so that he was talked into it, and regretted it. As he has put it, I was his first “girlfriend” although I know of severa girls he really was in the “friend” zone with during his high school years. He’s always obsessed about his weight, still does to this day. And I know, especially after talking to his sister years ago and her telling me about some of the things his mother would do, one example, all pictures she took of him were from the shoulders up. Knowing his mother, and the things she says, about herself, about her daughter, it didn’t surprise me one bit. If you do something she always one ups you. I was this. She’s also heavy set now and obviously very unhappy with herself and certainly blames it on injuries although I do not recall anything significantly happening to her to cause it.

I know I can’t help him, but I think I’m trying to find a way to cope with what is happening because right now, I just don’t have any choice other than to be here. For a long time I stayed because I loved him despite it all, but lately and honestly because of counseling, that love doesn’t seem to exist much anymore, although I do care for him, and I do not want to take our children from him and have no plans of that, but I will not be in the same house with them at the nd of the night unless they are with him over the weekend kind of thing. I have pushed my parents out because they do not feel welcomed by him. What used to be they would see us often and take out kids to spend the night at their house because they have done a lot for us and our kids. Has turned into rarely seeing them, when I asked why, my mother says it’s because she doesn’t feel welcome here. Part of this is because of how things are going between our marriage. Before, he would just go hide in our room if my parents were around or sit on the other end of the table and occupy himself with the kids or his phone, to avoid talking to them other than small talk here and there. This has been from day 1. I also found out about 5 years ago he told his parents the reason I was living with him before we were “together” was because my dad hit me. Which was NEVER the reason, and he was never told that nor told me he thought that. I was stupid rebellious 19 year old who needed to grow up. I wish I knew what I know now, and things may have turned out differently.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by IceCreamKid

Your post and another that was in a similar vein once again make me think PC should consider having a forum for people to discuss graphic sex acts while at the same time discussing their relationship. This is clearly how some people view relationships: as a series of physical acts. Having a forum where newcomers can post their sexual stories would be a way to gather them all together and to find support among other like-minded people.

If you want to know if your husband considers himself homosexual, ask him. Of course he could deny being homosexual and still actually be homosexual. He could also be a person who wants sex whenever and with whomever and however he wants it without regard to there being a label placed upon it.

There are men--and women--and every human permutation in between--who relate to other humans sexually as their primary means of relating. This may be what you are dealing with.

It seems to me you are coming from some sort of background that has different ideas about the nature of a marriage (or primary relationship). It also seems to me that whatever counseling you have had hasn't helped, particularly whoever it was who put you on medication at the request of someone else and without proper diagnosis. Passive aggression is ultimately self-defeating although you might not realize that until very far down the road. Nevertheless I invite you to consider saying forthrightly what you want, and formulating a plan in your own mind and heart about what you will do when you don't get it. I speculate you will not get a satisfactory response from your husband.

What does this mean? Start planning for a life without him. There is no need to "disconnect" from the children you brought into the world. Regardless of your husband's orientation and your feelings about it, the children are the helpless victims here of your dysfunctional relationship. Instead of disconnecting from them, model for them what a healthy parent does when life hands them a curveball: find work that is fulfilling, develop friendships that are rewarding, encourage the children to study and play healthfully and allow them to have as healthy a relationship as they can with their father until or unless he does something that puts them in jeopardy.

Your husband isn't in control of whether you have faith or not; regardless of how you view how he expresses himself. Another healthy thing to model for your children is holding your own well-thought out ideas and not blaming others for what you do or do not believe.

For me; I wouldn't want a 'life-partner' who wanted to "hang out" (either vertically or horizontally) with multiple other crushes (male or female) and I would have zero interest in anyone who thought of me as merely a receptacle for sexual release. You will need to decide for yourself what you do or do not want--and proceed accordingly.

I wish you and your children the best. I am guessing your husband will land on his feet no matter what, given his track record of getting his own way--time to let him get his own way--without using you to do it. Ya think?

I think that a counselor might help!

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by Travelinglady

I think there's a range to sexual orientation--not an either-or. He does sound like he needs male friends more than you--and there could be an underlying sexual desire there.

I'm concerned about the lack of your connecting with each other, and if he's a Christian, then to me he should be less selfish. I, too, think individual counseling is the way you should go--and you can decide during your work with a therapist how you want to go with the marriage. You certainly sound unhappy.

Welcome to Psych Central! I'm glad you're here.

I think it is a great idea

Welcome to PC. I’m sorry you’re facing such a difficult challenge right now. I wonder about that bipolar diagnosis your husband was given by a therapist and I would be more concerned by that than whether he is gay or not, which many others have already addressed. Are you financially able to move out soon and are your kids old enough that they can be on their own soon? Is it possible to start making plans for your own future? It does not sound like your husband wants to change his behavior.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by Open Eyes

Maybe he is worried that he is gay because of what he experienced. Maybe he is obsessed with being around other guys and tells gay jokes because it's his way of trying to get over what he experienced that he STILL struggles with even now OR, he needs to tell gay jokes because he is in denial and might actually be gay. As far as him not really paying attention to you and your needs? Well, it sounds like his own needs and challenge with never getting over what he experienced pretty much takes up all his attention where he is simply very SELF ABSORBED.

A lot of men really don't want to be gay even though they may have urges. I am wondering if he wants sex with you so much because its a part of him trying to convince himself he doesn't have a problem and is normal. Also, sometimes individuals do turn to religion in an effort to find some inner peace. IMHO, your husband should be seeing a therapist so he can get these deep frustrations out and vent.

You can't fix this problem either and if you are not happy with him then you should be looking for a way to end this relationship and be on your own where eventually you can meet someone who CAN see you and give you the attention and things you need.

It possible that may be the only way he know how to deal with the trauma.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

I'm so sorry you're struggling, Idontknowwhy234 It doesn't sounds like an happy, healthy relationship. I think you may want to see a therapist, individually this time, and see where to go from there. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this

I agree a therapist might be able to help you deal with your feeling. I think working with a trauma specialist will help your husband with his trauma

[sarahsweets]

Sometimes when people become fixated on an institution like a church, or ideology or something like that, they almost expect their loved ones to fall in line with those beliefs. It doesnt sound like you are able to do that which is fine, but I do not think you should be expected to have these same beliefs. It sounds like he is searching for something and you may or may not be a part of what he is looking for.

[Idontknowwhy234]

Originally Posted by Sisabel

Welcome to PC. I’m sorry you’re facing such a difficult challenge right now. I wonder about that bipolar diagnosis your husband was given by a therapist and I would be more concerned by that than whether he is gay or not, which many others have already addressed. Are you financially able to move out soon and are your kids old enough that they can be on their own soon? Is it possible to start making plans for your own future? It does not sound like your husband wants to change his behavior.

I haven’t brought up that diagnosis again. Simply put it would just make him angry at me.
He also does not do any counseling at all on his own and has not since our marriage intensive where he was with the male counselor, and well, honestly they seemed to chat about everything but the issues.

I am not financially able, and my youngest is still ten years away. Unfortunately I don’t trust my husband not to try and take my children and when I was working outside the house he was very verbal in telling me that I’m not there for our children anymore. He’s in a place now with work, that he has a lot more flexibility. I was working from home but was recently let go, my own fault, and I’m sure he will attempt to use it against me.
Now I have no income of my own.

Originally Posted by Idontknowwhy234

I haven’t brought up that diagnosis again. Simply put it would just make him angry at me.

He also does not do any counseling at all on his own and has not since our marriage intensive where he was with the male counselor, and well, honestly they seemed to chat about everything but the issues.


I am not financially able, and my youngest is still ten years away. Unfortunately I don’t trust my husband not to try and take my children and when I was working outside the house he was very verbal in telling me that I’m not there for our children anymore. He’s in a place now with work, that he has a lot more flexibility. I was working from home but was recently let go, my own fault, and I’m sure he will attempt to use it against me.

Now I have no income of my own.

I’m so sorry. Hopefully in time things will turn around for you. Sometimes we hit a really rough patch and then surprisingly good things come along when we least expect it.