[rdgrad15]

I’ve always wondered why some people say it is okay if you invite yourself to do something when I’m sure they would actually be annoyed if you did so. For example, sometimes when I am at a friend’s house, I would be told from her or someone else that I am allowed to eat something if I am hungry and that I can help myself. I always say no because I feel like that is just a polite offer and if I actually acted on that offer they may not appreciate it.

A similar example is that there has been a cpuple times where I spent the night at her house and wjen I wake up, either I don’t eat at all until I get home or one time I actually packed something for myself to eat. When her or her parents found out any of those times that I either didn’t eat, or one time, ate my own food that I packed, they said I could have easily just ate whatever was in their fridge or some cereal. Even though that is a polite offer, I feel like they are just saying that out of politeness and would not appreciate it if I actually just invited myself into their fridge.

I’ve heard other people make similar offers to others ti me or even to other people. I’ve wondered why people make those offers when it is technically considered socially unacceptable to invite yourself into other people’s food or other belongings. I am just not comfortable doing that and I honestly wouldn’t be surprised that even when they make those offers, they are secretly glad I actually didn’t take up on those offers. I feel like it is expected to decline those offers.

What do you guys think? Have you ever made offers but secretly hoped no one would take you up on it? Has anyone made those offers to you? How do you feel about helping yourself to someone else’s fridge or other belongings? I feel like it is only okay if they give you permission first and give you something like at dinner, not just raid their stuff before hand. Just wondered what your thoughts were.

[Nammu]

When I extend an offer I mean it it. It's actually rude to assume they don't mean it and bring your own food.

[eskielover]

If I am just staying over night I only eat if they get food out & we prepare it or munch on it together.

Even when I was staying at my horse trainers ranch for 2 weeks the only time I went into the cupboard or refrig to get food was when she was gone for the day. I had granola bars in my bedroom if I got hungry at night. I never just help myself though I did make a few dinners for us when she was busy teaching a late lesson.....but it was food I knew was planned. When I am in someone else's home I let them be the food guide since I would feel uncomfortable going througj their cupboards to find out what might be there to eat. Yes, it is a nice offer to let you do that but really not an offer that should really be taken IMO.

I mean really.....if you found their really expensive stash of chocolates & you were hungry for chocolate & they went looking for it after you left & it was ALL GONE

[MickeyCheeky]

Yeah, I agree, I would feel uncomfortable, too

[hvert]

I also agree, I don't like to accept vague offers like that. I try to offer specific items if I have guests.

I am extremely uncomfortable helping myself overall. The exception might be if I was at a close friends house, asked for something specific and they told me to grab it. Like: can i have a Pepsi and they said it's in the fridge.

I hate people in my cupboards and fridge. It drives me insane. I'm not sure I've ever said help yourself to a guest. I prefer to serve them.

[TishaBuv]

Yes, it’s rude to just go into someone’s fridge and cupboards and help yourself. But, if they tell you to, then assume they do want you to. If you choose something, you can ask them if it’s ok to take it, just to verify. I wouldn’t go eat something that appears to be their dinner or unopened dessert, for example. I’d ask, is this ok?

Maybe you got this idea from your own home. Was your parent very protective of the food? Were they minimally polite but secretly stingy?

Funny story; once my sister had a friend sleep over. In the morning she woke up and said she had a dream that she was eating and eating. When my mom looked in the fridge, the entire roast beef was gone!

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by Nammu

When I extend an offer I mean it it. It's actually rude to assume they don't mean it and bring your own food.

I guess it varies by person.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by eskielover

If I am just staying over night I only eat if they get food out & we prepare it or munch on it together.

Even when I was staying at my horse trainers ranch for 2 weeks the only time I went into the cupboard or refrig to get food was when she was gone for the day. I had granola bars in my bedroom if I got hungry at night. I never just help myself though I did make a few dinners for us when she was busy teaching a late lesson.....but it was food I knew was planned. When I am in someone else's home I let them be the food guide since I would feel uncomfortable going througj their cupboards to find out what might be there to eat. Yes, it is a nice offer to let you do that but really not an offer that should really be taken IMO.

I mean really.....if you found their really expensive stash of chocolates & you were hungry for chocolate & they went looking for it after you left & it was ALL GONE

Totally agree. The only times I've dealt with their food with their permission was a few times when I helped my friend cook. I didn't mind doing that since it was with her. I agree, I let them be the food guide. Safer that way. Yeah if they found out you took a stash of chocolate, even if they offered, they would still be unhappy.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

Yeah, I agree, I would feel uncomfortable, too

Same. I am only okay with eating their food during dinners and even then I take very little.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by hvert

I also agree, I don't like to accept vague offers like that. I try to offer specific items if I have guests.

I agree. I dislike vague offers too. Specific options are better.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by KissTheRain

I am extremely uncomfortable helping myself overall. The exception might be if I was at a close friends house, asked for something specific and they told me to grab it. Like: can i have a Pepsi and they said it's in the fridge.

I hate people in my cupboards and fridge. It drives me insane. I'm not sure I've ever said help yourself to a guest. I prefer to serve them.

Same, I do the same thing. If I need a drink, which I usually do if me and my friend get take out from somewhere and we didn't order drinks, then I will ask permission to get a drink, almost always water, and help myself out with that. I don't mind doing that. Or the other exception is if we got take out food and saved some of it for later and it was in the fridge, then I don't mind getting it out later if we decide we want more food. Or if I am helping her cook and things need to be taken out or put away upon her request. In those instances, I'm okay with it. But I would never invite myself into their fridge though. Too risky.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Yes, it’s rude to just go into someone’s fridge and cupboards and help yourself. But, if they tell you to, then assume they do want you to. If you choose something, you can ask them if it’s ok to take it, just to verify. I wouldn’t go eat something that appears to be their dinner or unopened dessert, for example. I’d ask, is this ok?

Maybe you got this idea from your own home. Was your parent very protective of the food? Were they minimally polite but secretly stingy?

Funny story; once my sister had a friend sleep over. In the morning she woke up and said she had a dream that she was eating and eating. When my mom looked in the fridge, the entire roast beef was gone!

I agree with you. Yeah I was always taught that you should never invite yourself into other people's fridge without permission, only your own. Yeah they have done the same thing where they have offered people to help themselves but in the few instances people actually took them up on their offers, my parents were silently annoyed about it since they felt like it was intrusive. That's why I believe people who make those offers are just being polite and really don't actually want you going through their stuff. In a way, it is more of a common social interaction that takes place, kind of like how you ask a total stranger how they are doing. You don't really want to hear it but you ask them. Same thing, I think when people say help yourself, eat what you want, they are just being polite.

[healingme4me]

I think looking at how you were raised was key to why there is the doubting of sincerity from others.
I'm the type to say it and mean it. Food is something that can be replaced. And I'd hate to think of sending anyone home hungry if I can help it.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

I think looking at how you were raised was key to why there is the doubting of sincerity from others.
I'm the type to say it and mean it. Food is something that can be replaced. And I'd hate to think of sending anyone home hungry if I can help it.

Yeah it can vary from person to person. Some people may be more cautious than others.

[TishaBuv]

How about when someone takes you out to a restaurant? Some people order the most expensive thing on the menu and others order the cheapest.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

How about when someone takes you out to a restaurant? Some people order the most expensive thing on the menu and others order the cheapest.

I order the cheapest.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by rdgrad15

I order the cheapest.

Why? I order what I want. If the person paying is ordering most expensive, I will too. Otherwise, I stay toward the middle priced.

Such psychological games all the time. Right?

My grandfather was very rich. He used to take us all out to dinner at nice restaurants. My mother used to make us all order the cheapest things on the menu. She was trying so hard to show him she wasn’t after his money or something. When he died he left us nothing.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Why? I order what I want. If the person paying is ordering most expensive, I will too. Otherwise, I stay toward the middle priced.

Such psychological games all the time. Right?

My grandfather was very rich. He used to take us all out to dinner at nice restaurants. My mother used to make us all order the cheapest things on the menu. She was trying so hard to show him she wasn’t after his money or something. When he died he left us nothing.

I’m sorry about how you guys were left with nothing. I can see what your mom was trying to do. At times I will go for a middle price as well if it is a reasonable amount.

[WishfulThinker66]

This is going to sound rather harsh but I want you to remember, these are invitations. You are welcome then to eat at their places. Try to look at it this way: as hosts that have invited you over for the night they actually have an obligation to feed you. Now, you don't have to eat everything put in front of you. You might choose instead to nibble. This way you are still showing respect. Incidentally, in my opinion, the fact that they have repeatedly made the offers to you indicates they are sincere. I have used the term respect - as they should respect your own decision, realise that they ought to be shown some respect in return. What I am saying is that they actually might be having their feelings hurt. To be honest, if I were to entertain someone and they appeared to turn their noses up at my offer of food, I would feel more than a little hurt and put off - even more so if they brought their own food. What kind of message might you thus inadvertently be sending?

I realise this is a difficulty for you but I suggest you try to look at this from the others' points of view.

A solution to these situations is to get involved. Offer to help make the meal. Could doing so be a way then of easing your anxiety about consuming it?

Finally, I am wondering about your relationship with food in general. Has something in your past spurred this worry about consuming other people's food? Is there a reason you tell yourself you are not allowed to? I think this would be an excellent point to bring up with a therapist.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by WishfulThinker66

This is going to sound rather harsh but I want you to remember, these are invitations. You are welcome then to eat at their places. Try to look at it this way: as hosts that have invited you over for the night they actually have an obligation to feed you. Now, you don't have to eat everything put in front of you. You might choose instead to nibble. This way you are still showing respect. Incidentally, in my opinion, the fact that they have repeatedly made the offers to you indicates they are sincere. I have used the term respect - as they should respect your own decision, realise that they ought to be shown some respect in return. What I am saying is that they actually might be having their feelings hurt. To be honest, if I were to entertain someone and they appeared to turn their noses up at my offer of food, I would feel more than a little hurt and put off - even more so if they brought their own food. What kind of message might you thus inadvertently be sending?

I realise this is a difficulty for you but I suggest you try to look at this from the others' points of view.

A solution to these situations is to get involved. Offer to help make the meal. Could doing so be a way then of easing your anxiety about consuming it?

Finally, I am wondering about your relationship with food in general. Has something in your past spurred this worry about consuming other people's food? Is there a reason you tell yourself you are not allowed to? I think this would be an excellent point to bring up with a therapist.

I understand where you are coming from. I have helped meals before upon request, I am just not the kind of person to barge into other people's fridge without their permission. Basically, if they offer to have me over for dinner to eat, I have no problem eating a little. I've done that many times. And I have even helped prepare a few meals as well which I don't mind doing either. The part where I didn't eat at all or once brought my own food was early in the morning. I would be the only person up since I am an early riser and everyone else wakes up late, usually less than a half hour before everyone leaves to go to church so there would be no time for them to make breakfast. I am not comfortable just opening up their fridge or cabinets and taking whatever food I feel like taking from them. That's why I just don't eat, if they didn't make breakfast then I feel like I should either not eat at all or having something I brought myself. I only brought my own food one time. The rest I just simply didn't eat at all. I see that you would feel offended, but some people I know would actually secretly be thankful that I didn't take anything.

I actually know people who extend offers but secretly hope their offer is declined. And yeah, like I mentioned before, I was basically taught to never eat or at least, not eat a lot, of other people's food. Even from other relatives. I also mentioned in a previous post that there has been a couple times where my parents did the same thing to guests, offered them to help themselves and even though most of them didn't, those who did, my parents secretly got annoyed about it. So that's why I don't like taking chances. I was taught that even if someone says I could have just taken something out of their fridge, they could secretly be glad I waited to gain permission from them. But I can see where you're coming from though. Some people may feel offended, but others would secretly be glad, and not just about food. I know some people that offers to do things for others but when they accept her offer, they secretly get annoyed. Basically you just never know so I just like to play it safe and wait until I am actually offered food.

I suspect some people are sincere and some aren’t and it’s hard to tell the difference. To an extent I actually appreciate when people feel comfortable at my house. Getting a glass of water for yourself, for example, is not imposing. I wouldn’t want somebody rummaging in my pantry and cleaning it out... but when somebody helps themselves to an item I tell them that I bought for them or they go ahead and get themselves a glass of water or tea... then I like that they feel comfortable in my home and I feel like a successful host. If they’re the first one up in the morning I would rather they got some coffee and made some toast or something instead of just sitting there. Also, I always take stuff with me to other people’s house. Especially if I will be staying overnight. I usually bring some snack items to share with everybody or I make a dish to share.... I’m no expert in this stuff but I figure if I am both giving and taking then that’s the best I know to do.

[TishaBuv]

Was your family impoverished? Is that why they were secretly glad? Or was it more selfish like they just were ungracious?

I would understand about not taking anything from someone who can’t afford it. But I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone who would secretly be glad they didn’t have to give me a cookie.

What are you worth? That’s really the foundation of this issue.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by Sisabel

I suspect some people are sincere and some aren’t and it’s hard to tell the difference. To an extent I actually appreciate when people feel comfortable at my house. Getting a glass of water for yourself, for example, is not imposing. I wouldn’t want somebody rummaging in my pantry and cleaning it out... but when somebody helps themselves to an item I tell them that I bought for them or they go ahead and get themselves a glass of water or tea... then I like that they feel comfortable in my home and I feel like a successful host. If they’re the first one up in the morning I would rather they got some coffee and made some toast or something instead of just sitting there. Also, I always take stuff with me to other people’s house. Especially if I will be staying overnight. I usually bring some snack items to share with everybody or I make a dish to share.... I’m no expert in this stuff but I figure if I am both giving and taking then that’s the best I know to do.

I agree. Yeah that is a good idea. Yeah I am not afraid to help myself with little stuff like water. I’m okay with that. I would just not want to clean them out. And yeah I actually have brought over a couple sandwiches a couple times as well to share.

[rdgrad15]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Was your family impoverished? Is that why they were secretly glad? Or was it more selfish like they just were ungracious?

I would understand about not taking anything from someone who can’t afford it. But I wouldn’t want to be friends with someone who would secretly be glad they didn’t have to give me a cookie.

What are you worth? That’s really the foundation of this issue.

Their problem is not wanting to be inconvenienced.