When people say it’s okay for you to help yourself

I have been impoverished at times in my life but have welcomed any guest of mine to grab a bite to eat. I would feel remiss if I didn't. Still, the offer has always been sincere.

That’s good.

Inconvenienced as in they have to go to the store to buy more food?

One of my sons friends always refused food in our house and brought his own. I’d reassure him it really was ok to eat our food. I knew he had some social anxiety. He wouldn’t look me in the eye or talk to me. I didn’t push him. He warmed up eventually eating in our house. I practically raised my kids’ friends. They ate here, slept here so much and my son stayed at this boys house a lot too. They are like brothers.

That’s good that your son’s friend warmed up.

I assume people are genuine when they make that offer. I don't clear out their pantry, of course, but making myself something small like a bowl of cereal or toast hardly seems like an imposition. And if they aren't genuine, that's not actually my problem. They can communicate honestly with me next time, if it's really such a burden.

But it seems unfathomably rude to me, to expect a guest to skip a meal! What kind of host wouldn't feed their guests? Or would secretly hope for a guest to starve themself, so they wouldn't have to extend their hospitality? How heartless!

Yeah I know. I just don't like taking any chances. If they actually put out something specific and offer it to me, I can take it. No problem. But yeah like you said, I wouldn't clean out their fridge or pantry though. Yeah I know it can be rude for some people to hope their guests would say no to their offers but there are people like that. And it doesn't even have to be food. It can be anything else too. I know some people who offers other favors and then secretly gets annoyed when their offers are accepted. So unfortunately, you really never know for sure if someone is genuinely allowing you to help yourself or not. Just have to hope for the best.

I took the OP to be about snacking between meals not actual meals though some families don't sit down to breakfast together & everyone just grabs on the go, but you could eat when the person you are visiting....most families either eat together or eating with the person you are visiting is normal. Helping yourself to something between meals unless your friend does or the family states "we have xyz snack foods you can help yourself to" would make me feel feel uncomfortable.....like looking through closets, looking through cupboards just as much of a not appropriate thing to do. Besides if they keep money stashed in a cupboard & some comes up missing even though you didn't do it.....seriously messes with trust issues IMO.

Exactly. That is exactly what I am getting at. I’d rather starve or bring my own snack in case I am hungry between meals or early in the morning rather than go through their stuff unless someone else is doing the same and offers me food.

I know what you mean there. When I think about the fact that I'm more of a help yourself or you're welcome to have my food, I'm also reflective on what that does mean as this thread has taken on a life of its own-in a thought provoking way. Help yourself to something to drink-cups are 'there' and what's here is here. If my kids have friends over, it's up to them to know what's available for snacks or goodies if I've baked items which would be in the open. Obviously, I'd be surprised if slabs of meats or similar came out of my freezer and were cooked up- unless to cook for all? There's breads and cheeses and lunch meats and eggs and milk, yeah sure....

One thing that came to mind was how something along this topic came up when I was a teen and my dad was just beginning his relationship with my stepmom. She asked me if I would like a piece of some type of desert. I said sure. She said well it's over there go get it. It was such a discussion with myself my mom and gram after that. It was words matter. It wasn't that I was expected to get it myself but how it was said. In my maternal family, it's...there is a desert on the counter, plates are in this cabinet. If you'd like some, help yourself.

That’s good that you are accepting of people having some small stuff. Yeah as long as they are not taking big stuff or large amounts of stuff for themselves without permissoon, then it is okay.

Yeah, of course. Does that apply to what you are experiencing at your friend's home?

My oldest son refuses most foods even at family members homes. Saves all his appetite up for when he gets home. Which actually frustrates me as a mom, which he knows.

What amazes me is the amount of people who try and read other people's minds and assume they don't mean what they say. All my life I've kept that saying that assumption makes an *** out of u and me. All this mind reading must really cause an awful lot of anxiety. Never believing what an other person says or that they don't mean what they say must be exhausting. If someone tells me to help myself I believe them and will. Of course as one person pointed out I'll be nice about it and not eat the last cookie or peice of bread nor take the expensive stuff, plus I'll wash up after myself.

Yeah. Basically if they invite me for dinner or at least pull out specific food to offer me, then I will gladly accept if I am hungry. But i would never go into their fridge or pantry without permission.

I definitely Agree with this.

I understand where you come from, but there are people that really do not mean what they say so it is best to be careful.

I think it is best to be safe than sorry. As I mentioned before, there are people out there, and I even know people myself, that make offers like that but secretly hope you will not take them up on it. It is better to wait until they actually offer food like during dinner or another meal instead of just helping yourself.

The thing is if your have your own way you handle yourself in different situations it becomes less necessary most times to interpret because it REALLY doesn't matter what they say. I can choose to take up an offer or not. They are not going to get all over your case for not taking them up on their offer. After all it's an offer NOT a command.

Yeah I know.

Then why subject yourself to those that aren't sincere?

I know, most people probably do have good intentions but I always like to be cautious.

What would happen if you discovered that this family or families that have extended the offers to help yourself, indeed secretly hoped and prayed that you wouldn't take them up on that offer?

Does it really matter how sincere they are with their offer if you have no intentions of taking them up on it anyway? Only way to prove sincerity is to test it.....do yiu really want to test it to see if they are sincere & in reality....do you really care?

Nothing would happen. I would just simply know that they were the kind of people that would prefer others who are not in their family to be going through their pantry even if offered to do so, unless they specifically put food on the table and offer it to me then.

I just like to be safe that's all and sometimes I just wonder what the point of making an offer is if they secretly hope people won't take up their offer. Similar to how some people will offer a favor but secretly hope no one takes them up on the favor. I've seen that happen as well among various people I know.

Like I was saying, the only way to truly test their sincerity is to tske them up on their offer & if you have no intentions of taking them up on it....what point is there is speculating (wondering) when you will NEVER know unless you do what you have no intention of doing in the first place?