Need to get this out - Am I being treated like crap?

Edit: this is really long. Enjoy! Lol.

Ok. I need to get this out. There are a few strange people in my family. Sometimes I wonder what the hell I'm doing with them. I had a fun time with my family this Christmas, I mostly enjoyed myself. But I'm wondering what I should do about some things in my family, if anything. Maybe boundaries.

Here's one example: there's a woman that my cousin is engaged to. She has basically been part of the family for a few years now. She has issues. But I have always been nice to her. Her issues are that she lies, and she used to do drugs. I know that there are different opinions on drug addiction. But that's not the issue. The issue is how I feel about myself around her, and how I feel I might be being treated.

She is very inconsistent, to say the least. Or rather, since I've known her for a little while, it's more consistent, when I think about it, and I just don't like it.
For instance, when we see each other at family parties, she's usually like "I love you" to me, at least once. But I do not feel like she is a good friend to me in any way. We are friends on Facebook, and she is often on it. But she never likes any of my stuff even though I like hers. It may sound petty. But I'm wondering why. I'm sick of it and it makes me feel badly. She has a friend who I am friends with now too and she likes that person's stuff. She likes my cousin's brother's stuff. But she never likes mine. I guess I also think it's weird because she told m today she saw a picture I posted on Facebook. She didn't like or comment on it or anything. But it made me think "Ok, so she is looking at my stuff and just not reacting to it? weird."

I have been trying to be in more contact with her, because, I don't know, she says she "loves" me and is so charming and charismatic with me when we see each other at family stuff. But I notice that I am the only one reaching out. She responds. But I am always the one to reach out. She mentioned that today, actually, at our family party. She said "Sorry it seems you're the one who's reaching out to me and not the other way around. I'm just so busy with work and my kids." Makes sense. I guess I just don't like it. And I don't get it. Idk.

I'm wondering if she is playing some kind of weird power game. Idk.

To be honest, I have spent time with her in the past, and have never really enjoyed myself. I'd always catch her in a lie. She wants to be a social worker, and that was really triggering to me because I honestly don't know if she'd be good at it. I think she needs to work on herself more first. I'm supportive, but yeah. She even has a bio of herself on an organization's website, saying that she is getting her degree in clinical social work. The thing is, she isn't. She just wants to. So, lie. It basically just sounds good.

Once, she set up a gofundme account, for diapers and rent for her family, only, my cousin is loaded. He is a trust fund baby. So It just seemed like she was looking for attention. I could have said something to her, and I didn't. I didn't want to start trouble. A lot of people said things to her on Facebook about it, and she just got mad. I think she is deluded. I was upset with her a couple years ago for lying. And she didn't get it. She made me into the bad guy. It was very dramatic. I ended up apologizing to her, because I was pissed and went overboard. But I see her as having issues and it is concerning to me that she wants to be a therapist. She even lies about why her children got taken away from her (they are back with her now).

I think I need to pull back from her now. I'm not sure what her deal is. But I need to pull back. I do not feel like she has my back. It all feels very shallow. We can see each other at family parties and be nice. I just really don't like it when she hugs me and says "I love you!" It feels manipulative and I feel like I have to say it back even though I do not want to.

I feel like I always get pulled into this. I try not looking on her fb page. And then she will say something to me in passing conversation at a family party like, "did you see my fb page?" I think she is a toxic person. The more I write about this, the more I think it.

One last thing. She told me she tried to kill her mother once during a fight. I believe this is why her mother will not speak to her now. She complained about it on Facebook ("my mother won't talk to me, I'm so sad about it"), and got a ton of "hugs" from people. Though she omitted the reason ("she tried to kill her").

I believe that I am afraid to make waves with this toxic person. I think I just need someone to believe me. And tell me that something's going on. She gave me a present for Christmas this year. See? It's so confusing. I need distance. I know it takes 2 to tango. I think I need some stronger boundaries. Talking to my mother about this or my therapist, doesn't seem to help. I don't give all the info, and they just don't get it.

I am mainly concerned that I am just...caught in a toxic person't narcissistic web of glib game. I don't like how I feel. I need boundaries. Strong ones. I want my power back.

Edit: come to think of it, if she was posting on my page and liking my facebook stuff, it would be harder to pull back from her. So it seems like a good thing for me, really, that she is not. Also, I think I may need more of a social life. A healthy social life so I'm not like "Oh let's try to be closer to my cousin's insane fiance." It's not that I don't have a social life. But I think that whenever I see her, at family stuff, it's just hard. I end up...feeling sorry for her. Caving. Getting pulled in. It's so weird.

I at various points in time start to notice interactions or lack there of on social media. So I do understand what you mean about noticing what your cousin's gf is and isn't doing. It's one thing to miss some, another to leave out completely on everything. It's akin to trying to make an effort with those you care about. Or not.
It's so odd how she'd bring it up, now and out of the blue.
It is suspect in my eyes.
Sounds like you are reaffirming a desire to maintain some distance. I'm not personally keen on falsities at family gatherings. It's ok to only need to interact under those circumstances and limit contact otherwise. Unfollowing is a neat little fb tool. And share settings can indeed limit an audience.

Hi KnitChick, first of all HUGS to you and Merry Christmas! I am glad you for the most part enjoyed your Christmas.

You have a gut reaction, and your gut reaction never steers you wrong. She IS a toxic person. You are catching onto the contradiction between her behavior and words, you see all her lies, past and present, and you see that she can be manipulative. Once a liar, always a liar, is what I always say. Liars are never to be trusted, and your instinct to have strong boundaries is a healthy and good one. It probably does make it easier to distance yourself because she's not liking all your fb posts. I think you're definitely on the right track with this.... trust your gut and instinct. You always know what's best for you, and the answers always reside within you. ((((Hugs))) and warm wishes to you.

I think your instincts are correct with this person. She sounds like a massive manipulator and she's proven to be a liar. Those two characteristics go hand in hand. Manipulators are always liars. They are also very nosy. Hence using Facebook to spy on you but not interact with you. They are masters at using people to get what they want and play many power games to accomplish that. Probably why she'll ask you about a Facebook post or some other topic out of the blue when she's giving the appearance that she does not care about it. You may want to warn your cousin to be careful of her. And please don't take offense, but I believe it's entirely possible she may be after his money. I've dealt with people like this and I unfortunately have one in my family. Only thing you can do is limit all contact with them. Give them as little information about you and your life as possible. Block them on social media so they can't spy on you. Taking information away from them is the only way to take their power away and get yours back. They are toxic, will never change and should not have a place in your life. Good luck.

Thank you so much Healing, GoldenEve, and lovethesun.

Lovethesun, I do not take offense to you saying she is probably after his money at all. It's probably true. He is incredibly invested in her though and loves her. One time me and her got in a fight (argument over her behavior) a few years ago, he took her side. I did call her a ***** and a ****. So it makes sense he'd side with her. Plus she painted me as the bad guy.

If I blocked her on social media, she'd have a fit. So I'm not going to do that right now. It would cause drama. She also just gave me a Christmas present and it would look weird. She'd use it against me. ("After all I've done for you!")

I want to talk to someone about this. I'm thinking about contacting a female cousin of mine who really dislikes this woman.

Start gathering evidence against her so that people know what to watch out for. She sound delusional and controlling and toxic.

I would start gathering evidence against this person and then fix it to where she can't have anything in this family. Sound like we is after the money

I think you're doing the right thing by cutting off contacts with her, KnitChick. She doesn't seem like an healthy person to be around. So good job for realizing that! Hopefully you won't have to deal with her too much. I also agree that improving your social life would be helpful. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you

I think that's a wise choice. It's more than validation that things seem off kilter but also because it's important to share your experience with someone close to you. That way, too, they can check in with you from time to time and make sure things haven't escalated. It's less about causing drama or friction but keeping you out of isolation.

Thank you for your replies everyone.

A few things. I was feeling depressed lasts night and very isolated. In a bit of emotional impulsivity, I ended up un-tagging myself in 2 old pictures she'd tagged me in, that I'd never really wanted on my page. I hope she does not find out or notice. But yeah. I am sort of scared of her. Which bothers me.

So she is at it again on facebook trying to gain sympathy from people (and succeeding) about her mother not wanting anything to do with her. Ugh.

I did speak to my cousin. She was very nice about it and told me her own thoughts on this woman (she dislikes her and cannot stand what she did to her children). She actually unfriended this woman a while ago because she did not want to be a part of her drama. It was very validating to hear this from her AND I ended up feeling close to and bonding a little with my cousin. She gave me some advice: keep my distance. She knows its harder for me, because I live closer to her (my cousin lives in a different state). But yeah. I really appreciated hearing that.

I think I just need to live my life and not worry about this woman. I think unfriending her or blocking her will cause major problems for me. She'll go after me. It will be awkward at family gatherings, etc.

I hear you about not wanting to block or unfriend. To unfollow is a much simpler route that also saves face. Her stuff just won't show up front and center. And you can always filter what is seen by others if you find time or energy or gumption.

So good that you were able to chat with your cousin.

And untagging photos is no biggie these days.

I disagree. depending on the situation behind the lies. When I was drinking and in the throws of alcoholism I was a liar and manipulator. I made amends and I am so honest now that its almost a fault. I try to be an open book for my friends and family. It took them awhile to trust me again and I had to tolerate lots of double checking of things I did and said but it was ok with me because I had given them reason to not trust me. So I think in certain situations liars can be trusted eventually. But I am not saying that in reference to the op just something I wanted to share.

Healing, thank you. Yes I love the "unfollow" function. I was obsessing about this and talking to my mom helped today.

Sarahsweets, I would tend to agree with what you mean. I know that for myself, as a young woman in her early 20s, I was a LOT different. I even lied at times to seem cool. I myself was going through a really hard time and did not have the guidance I needed. I have changed a lot. I like to thank my mental health issues for some of that I'm glad you were able to change too, sarahsweets. It sounds like it took a lot of hard but rewarding work. Thanks for saying, too, that you are not trying to reference my OP. I do think that in this instance, something's going on with her and I have noticed consistency in her...inconsistency. since I've known her, anyway.

I was really stressing about this earlier, but my mom helped me put this is perspective. This woman also has mental health issues and she is a person who wants to be liked. So I feel compassion. But yeah its not like I'm caught up in any kind of ordeal or drama. She doesn't even "like" or comment on my facebook page like I said. So it's not like I have to go through pushing her away.

[QUOTE=golden_eve;6378382]Once a liar, always a liar, is what I always say. Liars are never to be trusted

Nobody is to be trusted. All humans lie and manipulate and use each other to get ahead. Some lie less excessively than others but we all lie. Anybody will become a chronic liar/manipulator if forced into the right circumstance. Some will lie to get a job/money if they are facing homelessness. Some will lie to keep their lover/be loved by somebody. Some will lie simply to save their own skin when threatened.


Think I'm wrong? Let me ask you this: when is the last time you were feeling like utter crap and some random stranger in the store asks you how you're doing and you say you're fine when you aren't? That is a lie right there. When is the last time you said something to a toxic/negative person that they wanted to hear just to keep the peace? That is a lie right there. See my point?

The only difference between me and others is I accept that I am a liar whereas others are simply in denial.

I dont believe saying your're fine or saying something to keep the peace is the same as lying. The reason being is that in those two scenarios both things are subjective. You could have a terrible amount of crap going on in your life and tell the random stranger you are fine because a- You are fine, even though things are tough. b- youre fine and the stranger's fine are different so to the stranger your circumstances would still be fine. And saying something to a toxic person is.. just saying something. There is no false claim of information or a truth to cover up. When things are subjective lying isn't really applicable because lies are the opposite of a truth. They are answers to specific inquiries to specific things. You cant really define "fine" in a way that would make it a truthful answer or a false one. Same goes with "saying something" to a toxic person.

I guess I can understand where you're coming from.

I never was good with small talk. I find small talk to be fake and pointless. When somebody asks me how I'm doing I always say "fine" and "alright" even when I'm hurting so bad I want to cry or lash out. I thought when you tell somebody you're fine when you aren't that is pretty much lying in itself.

Also it's really nobody's business how I feel. I lie and hide my feelings and real self behind a mask most of the time. There is such a stigma against mental illness that I'm afraid to show this side of me to the world so I lie to protect myself from getting hurt. Maybe 3 people that are still in my life know I have mental health issues the rest think I'm just a socially awkward computer geek.

Great advice!