[DechanDawa]

So I had this friend for years. I always seemed to be the one to call and suggest coffee or lunch. I was the one who sent birthday and holiday cards. I finally got tired of it and just stopped communicating.

Silence.

Then out of the blue he calls me the day before Christmas. We talked for a long time and he suggested we get together in the New Year. Yeah, Yeah, I said. Fine.

But after we hung up...I realized he is a totally NEGO person. As well, he is arrogant and pompous, doesn't listen, likes to lecture, and is narcissistic.

When I was busy trying to be a good friend I never stopped to see him clearly.

It suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks. I didn't like him at all! All he did was complain and he is a real sad sack.

It is a lesson. We need to stop and look at our relationships. Maybe we aren't getting much from a friendship and it might be time to end it. It may come as a shock.

This person is just too depressing for me to relate to now. Maybe ever.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm glad you've realized this, DechanDawa! Now that you know better, hopefully you'll be able to spend more time with the people who actually care about you. Sometimes our need for human companionship doesn't let us see things clearly. But we need to stay away from toxic people and take care of ourselves. So good job! Sending many hugs to you

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

I'm glad you've realized this, DechanDawa! Now that you know better, hopefully you'll be able to spend more time with the people who actually care about you. Sometimes our need for human companionship doesn't let us see things clearly. But we need to stay away from toxic people and take care of ourselves. So good job! Sending many hugs to you

Thanks MiChe! I feel sad about the sad sack. He doesn't have many friends himself but now I can see why. I do think I wasn't seeing clearly. But you are right, we have to take care of ourselves first.

[s4ndm4n2006]

What is a NEGO person

[Molinit]

Originally Posted by DechanDawa

Thanks MiChe! I feel sad about the sad sack. He doesn't have many friends himself but now I can see why. I do think I wasn't seeing clearly. But you are right, we have to take care of ourselves first.

Great! Now that you've realized this, call this person up and tell them why you're ending the friendship.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

I'm glad you've realized this, DechanDawa! Now that you know better, hopefully you'll be able to spend more time with the people who actually care about you. Sometimes our need for human companionship doesn't let us see things clearly. But we need to stay away from toxic people and take care of ourselves. So good job! Sending many hugs to you

I don't have anyone who actually cares about me. I am 100% isolated. It just happened. People moved away, and I moved to a new neighborhood. I have felt too depressed to meet people. Maybe in the new year.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006

What is a NEGO person

A NEGO person is someone who is negative about everything. Like this person says stuff like, "I hate people." I think that's a very negative and narrow attitude.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by Molinit

Great! Now that you've realized this, call this person up and tell them why you're ending the friendship.

I don't think I need to call the person and tell them I am ending the friendship. I don't need that kind of drama and conflict. Once before I told him I was busy trying to find a job and secure myself financially and that is the truth. If he doesn't hear from me he will assume I am job hunting or working. He's semi-retired and has too much time on his hands and it is probably making his negative attitude worse. I'm not required to inform him of how I feel.

[AceRimmer]

Originally Posted by DechanDawa

I don't think I need to call the person and tell them I am ending the friendship. I don't need that kind of drama and conflict. Once before I told him I was busy trying to find a job and secure myself financially and that is the truth. If he doesn't hear from me he will assume I am job hunting or working. He's semi-retired and has too much time on his hands and it is probably making his negative attitude worse. I'm not required to inform him of how I feel.

And what if he calls you again? Will you just make an excuse or tell him that his negativity is making it hard for you to see him? I think if you have been friends with someone for a long time you might owe him some explanation. It might help him become a better person.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by AceRimmer

And what if he calls you again? Will you just make an excuse or tell him that his negativity is making it hard for you to see him? I think if you have been friends with someone for a long time you might owe him some explanation. It might help him become a better person.

Yeah, I know I am sounding harsh. I have always been extremely kind and respectful towards this person. When we are together I try to appeal to his sense of humor. He has a great wit. So I try to make him laugh and I can do that. Sigh. I know I sound really harsh. I will probably end up seeing this person. You are right. I do gently try to bring him out of his bleak mindset. I do feel sorry for him. He is extremely intelligent and well-read and well-educated. I think maybe his arrogance might put people off. He is like a real life Grinch. Very lonely. I am certain I will end up taking him out to lunch - AGAIN. PS He knows he is a very negative person so if I told him that he would just say, "What's new?" -- I think I should just get together with him and make him laugh...which is what I usually do. But I have to be in a good mood for that.

Hi DechanDawa. Like AceRimmer said, what if he calls again? Do you have a plan for responding? (or not responding in hopes that he gets the clue?) I am very happy for you that you are able to discern and detach yourself from negative people in your life.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by ennie

Hi DechanDawa. Like AceRimmer said, what if he calls again? Do you have a plan for responding? (or not responding in hopes that he gets the clue?) I am very happy for you that you are able to discern and detach yourself from negative people in your life.

Well, I just replied to AceRimmer and said I will probably end up seeing this person again. This person DOES have a sense of humor. So I can just try to joke around with him and make him laugh. He just isn't someone I can be around when I am feeling low.

The situation is that this person is an older professional who is single and without children. He is really quite alone in the world. I worry about him.


I just have to be in a better mood myself when I see him. I think that's the solution. I don't really want to abandon him. I imagine he could be one of those people who could be dead in his bed for weeks before anyone would discover him in his condo. There are people that alone in this world.

[AceRimmer]

Originally Posted by DechanDawa

Well, I just replied to AceRimmer and said I will probably end up seeing this person again. This person DOES have a sense of humor. So I can just try to joke around with him and make him laugh. He just isn't someone I can be around when I am feeling low.

The situation is that this person is an older professional who is single and without children. He is really quite alone in the world. I worry about him.


I just have to be in a better mood myself when I see him. I think that's the solution. I don't really want to abandon him. I imagine he could be one of those people who could be dead in his bed for weeks before anyone would discover him in his condo. There are people that alone in this world.

He actually sounds a lot like me.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by AceRimmer

He actually sounds a lot like me.

Ah, I hope you have someone who will come to your rescue every once in awhile.

This thread has been good for me. I was in a totally harsh mood. I see now I want a bit of distance but I don't really want to abandon this person.


Okay. This person has always been pretty much the same as long as I have known him...which has been years. He just accepts that he is a depressive. That's a bit different than me because I am always fighting against depression.

But I really don't need or want to abandon this person.


I can only take him in small doses. I was kind of surprised he called me the day before Christmas as he NEVER calls me. We had a nice conversation and I made him laugh. I just figured it was the least I could do. But I cannot have him as a central character in my life because of his stubborn depressive mindset.

[sarahsweets]

One of my favorite sayings..." Toxic people are like toxic waste. They both need to get dumped".

[DechanDawa]

What is the difference between someone who is truly toxic and someone who is just a depressive?

I draw the line at bad behavior, I guess. This person has never been rude to me. He shows up when he says he will...and we alternately treat one another to lunch or coffee. We always go to very nice places so eating out is a pleasant experience.


I think he is just a "sad sack."


I wouldn't say he is toxic. I got rid of all the really toxic people in my life and it feels good. This person is somewhat marginal, I guess.

I'm waffling!

[AceRimmer]

Originally Posted by DechanDawa

Ah, I hope you have someone who will come to your rescue every once in awhile.

I don't. It's only a problem when I'm physically ill. A couple of years ago I had a kidney stone. I didn't want to leave my car at the hospital so I drove home. Lucky I didn't get a DUI - I was full of dilauded.

Originally Posted by DechanDawa

This thread has been good for me. I was in a totally harsh mood. I see now I want a bit of distance but I don't really want to abandon this person.


Okay. This person has always been pretty much the same as long as I have known him...which has been years. He just accepts that he is a depressive. That's a bit different than me because I am always fighting against depression.

But I really don't need or want to abandon this person.


I can only take him in small doses. I was kind of surprised he called me the day before Christmas as he NEVER calls me. We had a nice conversation and I made him laugh. I just figured it was the least I could do. But I cannot have him as a central character in my life because of his stubborn depressive mindset.

You should tell him that he is sometimes too much of a debbie downer. If he improves it would help him.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by AceRimmer

I don't. It's only a problem when I'm physically ill. A couple of years ago I had a kidney stone. I didn't want to leave my car at the hospital so I drove home. Lucky I didn't get a DUI - I was full of dilauded.


You should tell him that he is sometimes too much of a debbie downer. If he improves it would help him.

I know how it is. I once fell down the stairs and broke my left arm and right wrist...and drove myself to the hospital! It was difficult because my truck has a stick shift. But I survived.

Okay, the last time I spoke with this person I brought up CBT and how we can use it to lighten our moods. This person said he has dysthymia...but I said that all mood states aren't necessarily permanent. He then said well some people are just melancholic. He's kind of invested in being a curmudgeon.


This person knows he is too much of a debbie downer! And I know all to well how this can happen when one is alone too much. I fight it every single day.


...I stopped investing so much in the friendship and I think that was good. I was surprised when he called. He wants to have lunch in the new year. He just emailed me today. I think he will be on his good behavior. He'll pick the restaurant this time and since he has impeccable taste I know it will be good.


Lowered expectations here are probably helpful.


I think there IS a big difference between being a toxic person and just being a depressive.

[Blogwriter]

Hi Dechan,

I prefer not to be around negative people. I do feel sorry for people who don't have lots of friends nearby. I spent a lot of time with a negative person, because I was the only friend nearby and she needed rides. However, I limited the amount of time I spent with her. Now she has moved away. I am too sensitive to other people's emotions, and I did not want to start feeling negative and complain all the time. I look for positive people in my life. Boundaries help prevent you from spending too much time with the wrong people.

[DechanDawa]

Originally Posted by Blogwriter

Hi Dechan,

I prefer not to be around negative people. I do feel sorry for people who don't have lots of friends nearby. I spent a lot of time with a negative person, because I was the only friend nearby and she needed rides. However, I limited the amount of time I spent with her. Now she has moved away. I am too sensitive to other people's emotions, and I did not want to start feeling negative and complain all the time. I look for positive people in my life. Boundaries help prevent you from spending too much time with the wrong people.

Thanks. I don't spend "a lot of time" with this person. I was surprised they called me as I had not seen them for a year. I probably only see them a few times a year. I have boundaries. We don't live near one another so I cannot see them a lot. In general I have eliminated a lot of negative people.

[DechanDawa]

Well, it's the new year and I have decided I don't really want to hang out with people who complain and have bad attitudes. Why would I? I have many goals and I need to stay positive.

IDK. I think this was a person from my past....this sad sack...and he is no longer relevant. I don't think I should feel badly not wanting to hang out with him. I just don't have the emotional fortitude to hang out with people who are depressed and don't want to change.