[Solost123]

Yesterday I found out my guy I have spent the last 4 years with decided to sleep with another woman and now its possible that she is pregnant with his child. (she apparently finds out next week how far long she is) Now, while this happened we were already going through a difficult time and we had temporarily decided to give it a break. To me, this meant reevaluating where we were and what we needed to do to make things better. Little did i know he was going out quite frequently and made the choice to sleep with another one. All this has happened in about 2 months time. Im so hurt and so lost and Im not sure what to do. Im confused by the fact that he would just let something like this happen. Hes not very good with emotional talking so to me I feel like he doesn't care. All he keeps saying is that he cant change what he did and now he has to accept his consequences. Thats not helping me understand why or answer any of my questions. Someone please help... What do i do, i can barely think straight..

[Skeezyks]

Hello Solost: I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to Psych Central.

I'm sorry I don't think there is much I can offer with regard to this difficult situation. I'm quite sure your partner is feeling depressed, anxious, guilty, perhaps ashamed, scared, confused, & probably a few more emotions I haven't thought to add to the list. I would guess it is, perhaps, too painful for him to do what both he & you need to do... talk about it. And even if he could find it within himself to talk about what he did, he likely would not know what to say or how to say it.

So I'm afraid that leaves you to figure out what to do in response to this situation. Ultimately, you can only change yourself. And you only have control over what you do. So, at least from my perspective, I would think what may be important here is to not spend too much time trying to understand how something like this could have happened to begin with; but rather focus your energies on deciding what you want to do for yourself given the circumstances with which you are confronted. All of this may be something you'll want to talk through, at-length & in-depth, with a counselor or mental health therapist.

Here are links to 10 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that talk about how to respond to infidelity:

Can Your Relationship Survive After Cheating?

5 Unexpected Emotions You Will Feel After Discovering An Affair

Surviving Infidelity Requires the Partner Who Strayed to Accept 100% Responsibility for the Affair

Surviving Infidelity Requires the Partner Who Strayed to Feel Genuine Remorse

Surviving Infidelity: Why It's Necessary to Prove That the Affair Has Ended

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/infid...ated-now-what/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/infid...dium=popular17

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/infid...dium=popular17

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/infid...dium=popular17

https://pro.psychcentral.com/recover...spouse-cheats/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

[Open Eyes]

Hi Solost123, welcome to PC.

I am sorry you are experiencing this surprise challenge, it's understandable you can't think straight. When you can't think straight you are experiencing confusing emotions while at the same time genuinely don't know what to do about a situation. It's ok to step back and think about a problem and it's good that you thought of coming here too. I think Zkeezkys gave you some good links to read through that might help you have more to consider than just your own feelings and confusion.

Yes, sometimes when a couple is struggling and take a time out, one or both partners might see someone else and may even engage in sex with someone else as well. It doesn't necessarily mean the partner actually even cared about the individual they had sex with either. Sometimes it's more of a check too to see if that area of a relationship was ok with a partner and am I happy in that area. Men don't necessarily view sex the same way women do either, men can engage in sex without needing to have an emotional connection (one of the reasons prostitution will probably always be around).

Also, maybe it's a time to consider if this guy is actually a good match for you when it comes to a long term relationship.

Can I ask how old you and him are?

[sarahsweets]

I would be concerned that he was able to be intimate with someone so quickly and without regard. I look at sex as an intimate gift shared between people. Someone who says or said they loved me wouldnt want to just go out and do it with anyone-and- as irresponsibly as he did being that another woman is pregnant. No birth control??

Oh boy. Are you going to stay with him? It sounds almost as if you two are still together? If it hurts too much, why don't you end things permanently?

Originally Posted by golden_eve

Oh boy. Are you going to stay with him? It sounds almost as if you two are still together? If it hurts too much, why don't you end things permanently?

I would have to agree.

You deserve better; you deserve happiness.

Hello Soloist123,

welcome to PC. I hope you will find some solace here
I am very sorry that you are going through such a painful and confusing situation. It is entirely understandable that you feel like you can hardly think straight at the moment. I think this will pass in time. Your brain is likely overwhelmed by all of the intense emotions. Try to remember that all feelings are temporary. You will not feel so confused and hurt forever.

Would you be willing to talk with a therapist? I think that could be really valuable for you right now...to get some comfort, professional insight, and coping strategies. I have found therapy really helpful at several points in my life when I felt confused or hurt or scared.

I think Skeezyks made some valuable points. Please don't pressure yourself to have this all figured out or a decision made soon. You are dealing with a complicated and very emotional situation. I think you need time to think things over. I also think that focusing on the 'why' may not be helpful for you. OpenEyes made some very valid points about sex and infidelity. I have known quite a few couples who struggled with issues similar to yours. It is more common than you may know...including among good people who never meant to hurt anyone. I am not saying that to negate your pain. Of course you feel hurt and sad. It's just that we humans are a messy bunch. We are far from perfect therefore our relationships are also imperfect. We all make mistakes. Sometimes those mistakes have nothing to do with sex. Sometimes they do.

I agree with Open Eyes that a man (or even a woman) could have sex with someone else without necessarily feeling attached to the new person. Sex and love are two different things. Yes, a person can be very much in love with a sexual partner. But it's also possible for sex to occur without any love at all. Not everyone feels that way. Some people never experience that but others do. Sexuality is so complicated and...well...different for each individual. The reason I break that down is because you don't have to immediately assume that your partner of 4 years does not care about you at all because he had sex with someone else. Confusing? Yes. Hurtful? No doubt. Was he trying to hurt you? I don't know him but based on what you described, maybe not. I believe that most people have good intentions...they aren't getting up everyday trying to inflict pain on others but they do make mistakes.

And of course the potential pregnancy with the other woman adds another painful edge to the scenario but I would assume that was not planned by either party. If you take a look at the research or consult with an experienced relationship therapist, you will see that infidelity often occurs when there were already significant problems in the relationship. Is that an excuse or justification? Not at all. But I think it is helpful to know. I think you mentioned that you and your partner were going through some issues and taking time apart. Do I have that right?

You asked where you go from here? I recommend starting with self-care. What brings you comfort when you are stressed? Are you taking care of your physical health? Do you have a friend who can listen calmly and kindly support you without judging or jumping to rash conclusions? Sometimes family members or girlfriends can unwittingly add more stress to this type of situation by adding their own personal histories and judgments. Even if you have a calm friend to chat with, I still think a therapist could really help. Try to think of this in terms of a path you are working along (regardless of the choice you make) with time rather than something which must be immediately accepted or rejected. Does that make sense? When we make major decisions based on raw emotion right after very painful news, we don't always make the decisions we later wished we had.

What's the best decision for you right now? I cannot say. I am not you. I don't walk around in your shoes all day. If I tried to steer you one way or the other, you are the one who would live with the consequences of the decision therefore I don't think it would be fair on you for me to do that. In time, you are the best person to decide for yourself. I can tell you that I experienced an unfaithful partner and I know how uniquely painful that is.

I will send you peace and healing energy as you go through this. And I am willing to read any other thoughts you may wish to share. Breathe slowly and deeply. Take good care of yourself. I hope things will likely become less confusing in time.

[Solost123]

First i want to thank everyone for their own insights on the situation. Some have been very helpful! I wanted to give an update on the situation and i also had a few more questions to see what everyone thought.

This woman that he slept with is claiming she is pregnant with his child and he is of course saying no. Now i have had children so i realize that is different for everyone. But when did you really start showing? The more pieces of the puzzle i get to the situation the more i feel like something doesn't add up.

I have been praying every day and every day i feel a little bit better. Baby steps. Im still indecisive about whether to stay or go. Im trying not to overthink anything and take a step back and analyze everything. I haven't been taking very good care of myself here recently so i am going to try to focus on that instead of my horrible thoughts in my head.

Thank you again for the responses!

Originally Posted by Solost123

First i want to thank everyone for their own insights on the situation. Some have been very helpful! I wanted to give an update on the situation and i also had a few more questions to see what everyone thought.

This woman that he slept with is claiming she is pregnant with his child and he is of course saying no. Now i have had children so i realize that is different for everyone. But when did you really start showing? The more pieces of the puzzle i get to the situation the more i feel like something doesn't add up.

I have been praying every day and every day i feel a little bit better. Baby steps. Im still indecisive about whether to stay or go. Im trying not to overthink anything and take a step back and analyze everything. I haven't been taking very good care of myself here recently so i am going to try to focus on that instead of my horrible thoughts in my head.

Thank you again for the responses!

Glad you are going to take time for yourself and found prayer helpful. "Baby steps" sounds like a great strategy. If you are open to it, guided meditation can be really helpful with decreasing stress and clarifying thoughts. There are some wonderful videos on YouTube. Just an idea for you. Good luck Soloist123

[healingme4me]

Self care is so important during times of extreme stress. Baby steps, indeed.

To answer your question, though I do think so many women carry differently, my first I carried so low and it took what felt like forever to show-even at 6 months with a sweater on it could go either way as far as looking pregnant or plump. 4 months was more like it for me for all three pregnancies, perhaps sooner with my third as that pregnancy was soon after.

You have every reason to leave but if you do choose to stay--a paternity test no doubt is necessary. Did he find himself in over his head?

[Solost123]

Yes, he has found himself very over his head! He is overwhelmed with everything going on. He said its too much for him to handle. He is saying he doesn't want to lose me but isnt going to force me to stay either. He is going to get a paternity test done and i think he is looking into the one where you get it done pre-natal. Does anyone know anything about that?

This whole situation is just a huge mess. Honestly i am praying that the child isnt his. This may sound selfish, but im not sure i could overcome this. Being that that was supposed to be me having a child with him.

[Blogwriter]

Hello Solost,

I found some information about paternity testing. I hope this helps.


Paternity Testing - American Pregnancy Association

[Mopey]

Sweetheart, I am so sorry. :sadhus: