[ALT2454]

Ill try and summarize this but it will probably be somewhat longwinded.

I am 38 and he is 40. *We have been dating for about 3 months and talking for about about a month before going on our first date. *He knew I had a looming surgery coming up that was going to put me out of commission for a while and he was so incredibly supportive. *This man did everything to help me. *Ive never had a guy do the things for me that he has so willingly. I never asked him to do anything he always insisted.*He isn't typically the type of guy that I go for but the way he has treated me made me fall for him. *I was so busy working so much preparing for this surgery and holidays that he made so many sacrifices to help me and to just be around me even if it meant just sitting at work with me and helping me close up. *He even called into work several times to go with me to dr appointments. He lives a little over an hour away so its not like its a short hop to get to me. *He was ALWAYS coming to me......I have never been out to his place but I want to go and I have been invited but work has interfered.

Ive had several moments where I felt guilty about the surgery knowing that I wasnt going to be able to offer much to a relationship and worried about being able to reciprocate or give him what he needs from a relationship and he didn't blink. *He has been so supportive. *The month before the surgery he and I weren't able to spend much quality time together like we had. *We basically had not had much for physical contact with each other other than little kisses here and there. 1 week I had the flu, 2nd week he had the flu, 3rd week I had a horrible reaction to a medication AND it was Thanksgiving, 4th week I was working such crazy hours, 5th week was my surgery. *Ive been insecure about the lack of quality time we have not spent together and the surgery was just going to prolong that.

I had the surgery and haven't been able to do anything matter for a month now. *My mother was here with me for 3 weeks and am now able to get by with out her. *I suffer from anxiety and take medication to control it. *I wasnt allowed to take it before and after surgery due to its ability to cause cramping which I have had issues with. *The week of my surgery I started noticed that he wasnt communicating with me as much. *His texts were fewer and farther between although he did come out on 2 occasions to help my mom with some things and be with me. *Let just say he has seen me at my absolute worst. *9 days after my surgery I started experiencing a lot of anxiety when I stopped taking my the pain meds on top of not being able to sleep, eat, go to the gym, work or do anything in which helps ease my anxiety. *I had a moment where he didn't respond to me as quickly as I guess I thought he needed to and I came down on him accusing him of losing interest, blowing me off/disregarding me and telling him to be honest with me and himself. *Had my anxiety not been such an issue then I would have been abled to pick up on the fact that he was busy with work responsibilities that I knew he had.*He didn't respond until the next day and I kind of came down on him again. *Wasnt until later on that day I had a discussion with a friend who is now my physical therapist and my surgeon to discover that I was experiencing withdraw from the pain meds plus the effects of not being on anxiety meds. *I felt horrible and tried reaching out to him to tell him I was sorry. *I didn't want to text it so I asked him to call me and he didn't. Next day, I sent a text telling him I had something I wanted to say to him in person or over the phone. *Again, no call. *Following day I called once. *No answer and left a voice mail telling him that I wanted to apologize to him and again....no response. *It was important to me to let him know I was sorry and what was going on with me bc I know I hurt his feelings and I didn't want him to be carrying those feelings around/. *Following day I constructed an email explaining everything with a big apology and ended up having to send it via text bc I didn't have an email address for him and he doesn't have social media in any capacity. *The next day I got a response from him which read:*

"I am ok. I have been overloaded with work, after school lifting, my own workouts and to top it off its a horrible time of year for me. *Last weekend is the date my father passed away and it always hits me very hard. *I shut down when I get overly stressed. *I am sorry but I needed to step away. *I felt like I was bending over backwards to be there for you and that wasnt good enough and it set me over the edge. *I am still very overwhelmed and haven't slept well in 2 weeks due to the stresses. *I hope having my boys the next 2 weeks will help ease the situation. I hope you are doing well."

I let him know that I was supportive of how he felt, that I am here for him and that he IS enough and has done nothing wrong. *I had no clue when the date of his fathers passing was so I was oblivious to that.

After his response, I put together a "care" package with things like a pint of his fav whiskey, scratch off lottery tix, Starbucks and Chipotle gift cards, protein bars, gum and other things with a card that I wrote "I appreciate you and I hope this cheers you up. *I hope you know I am here for you like you have been for me if you let me be." *I dropped it off to the main office of the high school an hour away on the Friday before Xmas break. *Got a response from him of *"Was sweet thanks".

Sent him a "I hope you and the boys are having a Merry Christmas" on Christmas and got nothing back.

He moved back here after 18 years from a different state (9hrs away) bc his ex wife, whom he has been divorced from for 8 years is moving back here to be near family. *He has no family here. *He found a job very quickly at the high school he graduated from as a teacher and a football coach and had to move quickly. He lives with an old childhood friend who is also a divorced single father. *His ex hasn't sold her house or landed a job here so when she and his boys are moving is questionable. *His 2 sons are 10 and 12 and he had not seen them since before the school year started until he got so spend 3ish days with them over Thanksgiving. *Then for 2 weeks over Christmas. I am assuming they will be leaving this coming Friday or Saturday. *He has always been very present in their life so this distance isn't easy or fun for him. *This is his first semester teaching at the school and his first time teaching at a school this size. *The schools he has taught at in past are VERY VERY small. *On top of this he has taken it upon himself with his own money to develop offseason training for the football team with local sports performance professionals bc there has been nothing in place and the athletics has taken a big turn for the worse since he went to school there.

Ive said all I can say and have done all I can do and have been beating myself up for making him feel the way I did but I realize that this is probably far beyond me hurting his feelings. *I just feel responsible for this level of him shutting down bc he said he felt like he was bending over backwards for me and it wasnt enough and it set him over the edge. *I just never asked him to do any of what he did. I am the one who is always bending over backwards for people and I never felt I was able to reciprocate really how very much I have appreciated him.

I dont know if I am just being impatient or if we are over. I definitely dont feel like this is anything we can't work through. I feel like I have done nothing but respect his space and I especially support the space he needs to be with his boys. I hope and expect them to be his #1 priority. I just dont know how long I should wait? * I never guessed he would be the type to just ghost me. Im so hurt over this. *I dont know how to interpret this extended silence since. *He literally could not get enough of me since we started talking up until the week of my surgery. *Im having a hard time with the idea of throwing in the towel. *I have compassion, empathy and sympathy for the situation just bc of all the circumstances he is under right now. *I want to give him the benefit of the doubt. *

Sorry this is so long but any thoughts on this would be greatly appreciated. *Thank you in advance.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Alt: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to Psych Central.

I don't know as there is a lot I can offer you with regard to the situation you describe. (Hopefully other members will have some thoughts they can share.) From what you wrote, it just sounds as though your friend has a lot going on. Plus there was the unfortunate occurrence related to your surgery & the medications you were taking along with those you were not... bad timing all around.

From my perspective, I think all you may be able to do is to keep in touch & see how things develop over the ensuing days & weeks. It may be that, when the two of you first got together, you represented a "breath of fresh air" so to speak, or perhaps a respite from your friend's day-to-day responsibilities. And the problem that developed between the two of you, plus the other things your friend has going on in his life, have wiped the bloom from the rose, as the saying goes. Whether or not there was sufficient substance to your relationship for it to recover & carry on may be something only time will tell.

It may be too soon to throw in the towel. But it's probably also too soon to know whether or not this is a relationship that can survive. At some point you may simply have to force the issue & confront your friend with regard to his intentions (or lack thereof.) But you probably don't want to do that unless & until you're prepared for the possibility he may simply close the door.

Under any circumstances... I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

Hi there,

If I were you, I would back off and give him a lot of space. Don't keep contacting him... let him come to you now. You've done all you can. You've tried to apologize. It is possible that you've pushed him away permanently --- but maybe not. It's really hard to say. He did bend over backwards for you, then you basically freaked out on him for not being there immediately for you exactly when you wanted him to be. I'm not coming down on you for that, many of us have done the same and you were also withdrawing and not on your anxiety med, but it is very early in the relationship for that type of problem to arise, and he DID go to great lengths to help you and be there for you. It may have really pushed him in the wrong direction. That is why I suggest sitting back and letting him come to you. You could possibly let him know that you are around if he ever wants to see you or talk to you again, then let it be and give him tons of room. So sorry this happened, but just understand that things like that can rub people the wrong way.

[LiteraryLark]

You've only been dating for three months. It may have just been bad timing with your surgery and his time spent with his kids. Guys have a weird way of investing all their time in some girl when it was unwanted and then when they really need it they scoff and say "well look at what I've done for you." Guys are weird.

[divine1966]

Sorry for your struggles. It sounds stressful and I hope you recovering well after surgery

Unfortunately I have to say that his reply to you and lack of communication after that likely indicates that “relationship” is over. If he was interested to continue it, he’d respond differently

I put “relationship” into quotes because it seems to be way too early to call it a relationship. It seems that everything was evolving way too fast before you two got to know each other. Then it crashed. Unfortunately it often happens like that.
After dating for 3 months and not even seeing each other often he took days off work to go to doctor appointments with you. That kind of shocked me. I’d do it for my husband of course or mother or daughter, not for someone I barely know. I also absolutely wouldn’t want someone I just met going to doctor appointments with me. It seems that you two rushed into something without knowing each other well.

As about what you should of could do, I think you need to completely stop contacting him. When people don’t respond to you, after few attempts it’s wise to completely back off. I think you shouldn’t deliver any gifts or send/write anything anymore. I am a bit taken aback that you delivered a gift to his work place, which really not simethung one needs to ever do. I’d block the person from everywhere after that. It would completely freak me out. And it would make me extremely embarrassed too because typically gifts aren’t delivered to the main office for high school teachers. And the office knows you aren’t a parent of one of the students, so why are you, a stranger, delivering gifts there (and it had whiskey in there?), why not give gifts directly? And not at work. It likely raised questions in the main office.

I understand it hurts. And his lack of direct approach and ghosting act doesn’t show him in favorable light so you maybe dodged a bullet here. He might not be the right kind of guy. Decent guy would be more direct. Although again he possibly just freaked out.

[ALT2454]

Thank you all for your feedback. I really appreciate it.