I've always felt that my job is to help people and not to intrude. So when someone tells me she is having a financial crisis, I used to take her word for it, because I felt it was inappropriate to ask questions about finances. While financial matters are generally considered private, is it appropriate to ask questions (and to what extent is it apporpirate) if someone is begging for your help? And what kind of questions should I be asking? I thought about pointing to people in her life, like "Can so-and-so help you?" But her typical reply is "They are not helpful" (regarding other things). So do I need to get more specific?

I've troubled myself and troubled other people to help someone and later found out she is going on vacations, and she was withholding information about additional income sources. I am not made of money, so this is a big risk for me.

[Bill3]

I don’t help friends financially unless there is an actual emergency that I know about.

This policy has allowed me to avoid the dilemmas and resentments that you are raising.

[downandlonely]

People can take advantage of you even if they really are poor. I had a "friend" who was on disability and didn't make enough each month to afford a place to live. So she used to stay in homeless shelters and cheap motels. I tried to help her by paying for her to stay at an extended stay hotel for a week (which cost over $500). I also bought her groceries and drove her all over town (once to a psych hospital in the middle of the night. I was up until 2 am that night). I did all this out of guilt. Instead of thanking me, she sent me a text telling me to kill myself and called me the C word. I blocked her and cut her out of my life. She's not going to take advantage of me anymore.

[divine1966]

Who are the people that ask you for money?

I don’t think it’s your job to financially help anyone unless you are talking about your minor children whom you have to support (even then you aren’t obligated to give money for frivolous things as long as they have food, clothes, roof above their head and medical care).

[healingme4me]

One way would to give giftcards to your local grocer or take care of a specific bill with account information in hand.
I'm unfamiliar with friends asking for loans and cash for necessities unless romantically involved and even at that those are rather socialized lines most people have that they don't cross.
If you want to help mentor her into budget conscious financial habits then the discussion isn't too far fetched nor inappropriate.
Cash to me and where I come from can be considered a red flag for substance abuse. No sense enabling that.

[WishfulThinker66]

Certainly you ought to ask those difficult questions; it is in your own interest to do so. I have loaned and gifted money but only after the opportunity to see the entire picture. You still have to be very careful. Never co-sign a loan. If the bank won't finance the friend why should you put your own neck on the line?

I choose mostly instead to help out in other ways. This backfired on me once however and my acquaintance showed her true motives and colours. She was always on about being strapped financially. I had my own difficulties then but chose to help anyway. When I arrived with a load of groceries she got on me about how useless that was and how I should have given her the cash. Hmmmm? Alarm bells sounded. I chose to have nothing to do with her again.

Don't just ask about their sources of income but get to the bottom of what they spend it on. Perhaps the true help you might have to give is that of aiding them form a budget or savings plan.

I am tired of this. I have seen too many people taking advantage of others. I know somebody who recently set up a GoFundMe account for her grown son that she supports. There was an emergency situation but he is perfectly capable of working to pay the bills off himself. She had just got back from a trip to Hawaii, just bought an expensive sports car and purchased herself some nice jewelry. I guess she wants other people to start supporting her almost 30 year old son while she enjoys herself.

[divine1966]

I could see how it’s difficult to say no to a family. It isn’t always easy. Is it a family?

[MickeyCheeky]

I think it is your right to ask questions. After all, it is YOUR money that you're giving, so you have to decide wisely how to use them.

[eskielover]

I give help with the specific items they tell me they need or gift cards to the grocery store so they have money for food.

Maybe give them a gift to a money managemrnt course so they can learn how to manage their money better. There can be a fine line between helping & just enabling them to be irresponsible. Even our local place that helps people with financial needs sits down with them in a financial counselling session to really analyze the problem.

Any time this happens more than once you have a right to question.

[IceCreamKid]

Originally Posted by ennie

I've always felt that my job is to help people and not to intrude. So when someone tells me she is having a financial crisis, I used to take her word for it, because I felt it was inappropriate to ask questions about finances. While financial matters are generally considered private, is it appropriate to ask questions (and to what extent is it apporpirate) if someone is begging for your help? And what kind of questions should I be asking? I thought about pointing to people in her life, like "Can so-and-so help you?" But her typical reply is "They are not helpful" (regarding other things). So do I need to get more specific?

I've troubled myself and troubled other people to help someone and later found out she is going on vacations, and she was withholding information about additional income sources. I am not made of money, so this is a big risk for me.

Maybe this will help you decide. If it were really your job--you were a bank manager, a loan officer, a social agency worker, it would be appropriate to ask questions, and for two reasons: to determine the person's real needs and to determine if coming to you was the appropriate place to seek aid.

On a man on the street level: people have varying opinions on what constitutes need. If I were hungry and you offered me a piece of bread I'd be grateful. However, I know a man who refuses to get a job. His wife, who does work, buys him only one type of apple which is often the most expensive in the store--and they must be organic--which makes them even more expensive. I felt she was bragging when she said they were 5.99 a pound.

I never give what I don't want to give; I want to give joyfully. If I were you, I'd be inclined to tell this person: "The only thing I can give you is some time to listen to you; maybe we can come up with a solution for you to pursue."

The woman who bought the organic apples kept telling me how her friends gave them gift cards. I felt she was begging. Yet there was a simple solution to her problem--and neither gift cards nor organic apples were the solution.

[Chyialee]

Hi Ennie.
Have been in your shoes more than once and it's def uncomfortable. In my experience it's absolutely VITAL to ask those financial questions: You are inquiring to get a clear picture of what and how the financial need came about and the best way to resolve it; also, whether or not it's likely to be a recurring one. IMO specifics are not too much to ask; the other person is asking you for a very personal response to their need, after all. And tho I know it can be intimidating, please don't be afraid to say "No".

Best,

Chyia, wishing you luck

[katydid777]

I am disabled, and so are my H, and brother. We all live here. We are on a very fixed income. Things are always tight, and as always something comes up that wasn't in the plan. I don't have credit cards, or anything else. If I can't pay for it, we don't need it, unless it is medical for us, or the dogs. In very rare times I have asked our son for help, but only after I have done everything that I could do, otherwise I don't ask anyone for help. Even when I do ask our Son, it would be for something like our taxes on our home, just so we don't lose it for taxes. But like I said, I don't ask unless I have tried everything else.

Originally Posted by divine1966

I could see how it’s difficult to say no to a family. It isn’t always easy. Is it a family?

Extended family. When I bump into her, I quickly say "Hi" but stopped asking, "How have things been going?" because that is going to trigger another sob story. I don't need to get her started.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by ennie

Extended family. When I bump into her, I quickly say "Hi" but stopped asking, "How have things been going?" because that is going to trigger another sob story. I don't need to get her started.

I’d be ok not giving money to extended family. Sure I can listen but if they ask for money I don’t feel obligated to give

[WishfulThinker66]

While harder to say 'no' to a family member I think with them you need to scrutinize all the more closely. I have a brother in need regularly and he hints (usually) or comes right out and asks for help. But I know for a fact he makes a reasonable income. His problem then is his not budgeting and spending his money on non-essential items so that by the time it comes around to pay his bills he comes up short. The last thing I will do is give him money as I know it won't go towards the necessities. He would just blow it on something else he doesn't need. My solution? I have him and his family over on occasion for supper.

You really need to ask yourself 'why' does the person need money and what they are likely to spend it on. In the case of the friend I previously mentioned, I suspected a drug addiction was the root of the problem. Consider the friend/family member's lifestyle. What are they spending their money on? Is the problem then truly a problem of income or spending habits.

Originally Posted by ennie

I've always felt that my job is to help people and not to intrude. So when someone tells me she is having a financial crisis, I used to take her word for it, because I felt it was inappropriate to ask questions about finances. While financial matters are generally considered private, is it appropriate to ask questions (and to what extent is it apporpirate) if someone is begging for your help? And what kind of questions should I be asking? I thought about pointing to people in her life, like "Can so-and-so help you?" But her typical reply is "They are not helpful" (regarding other things). So do I need to get more specific?

I've troubled myself and troubled other people to help someone and later found out she is going on vacations, and she was withholding information about additional income sources. I am not made of money, so this is a big risk for me.

not to be smart but why would you always think its your job to help others. is it low self esteem?. Sorry if that sounds bad.I do not mean offense. Thanks for your helpful comments on on my thread

I won't help somebody financially unless I know them well enough and have knowledge of them being in an actual financial crisis.

Then again, most of my friends/relatives live in poverty so I tend to help out more often than not since I'm doing somewhat well.

So no, don't help somebody financially without a good reason. Doing so is like asking to be used.

[WishfulThinker66]

Originally Posted by Sisabel

I am tired of this. I have seen too many people taking advantage of others. I know somebody who recently set up a GoFundMe account for her grown son that she supports...

Unbelievably in bad taste. What gall. Yet I have seen this too. My SO's grandaughter just set one up for herself. I mean really? For yourself? How on earth can such a thing enter one's mind.

In the case of this young lady she has a full-time job. Obviously there are problems that run deep with her as she is constantly in financial duress - bills and rent being left unpaid while at the same time flagrantly spending on clothes, crap food/drink, etc.

[Blogwriter]

Hi Ennie,

All three of us are on fixed incomes, and we recently lost a major source of income three months ago when my mother-in-law died. I did not ask for money when we were making money taking care of her unless she was in the hospital most of the pay period. When she was in the hospital, my husband and brother-in-law did not get paid. Now our major problem is my brother-in-law smokes, and he prefers cigarettes. Cigarettes are expensive. I went to a friend for help and she recommended a food bank. I appreciated that help because we were running low on food. We make bills a priority, and we are able to negotiate paying bills. The food bank was difficult because I saw so many desperate people who would not smile. I even saw lots of children, and I felt badly for families with children. Even though we did not get all the food we wanted from the food bank, it helped to tide us over until we got some money again. In addition to that, we got more food from the food bank without standing in line because another friend works there. We appreciated the extra food. However, I would be careful about giving food. Some people are on special diets. I had a friend who was poor and she focused on eating healthy food. She wanted other things like bread bags to pick up after her cat, so I gave her bread bags.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by ennie

I've always felt that my job is to help people and not to intrude. So when someone tells me she is having a financial crisis, I used to take her word for it, because I felt it was inappropriate to ask questions about finances. While financial matters are generally considered private, is it appropriate to ask questions (and to what extent is it apporpirate) if someone is begging for your help? And what kind of questions should I be asking? I thought about pointing to people in her life, like "Can so-and-so help you?" But her typical reply is "They are not helpful" (regarding other things). So do I need to get more specific?

I've troubled myself and troubled other people to help someone and later found out she is going on vacations, and she was withholding information about additional income sources. I am not made of money, so this is a big risk for me.

If someone is giving you the information that they are in financial trouble they are giving you the right to ask the questions really. That's not to say it's necessarily wise though. Unless you're in the profession of giving financial advice it's usually a complex situation and by involving yourself you're opening a can of worms most people don't want to. Keep that in mind.

Originally Posted by LonelyMan

not to be smart but why would you always think its your job to help others. is it low self esteem?. Sorry if that sounds bad.I do not mean offense. Thanks for your helpful comments on on my thread

'

That is not what I meant. My job is not to always help people but to always do so "without intruding." The "always" does not apply to the helping per se, but applies to "helping without intruding." Thanks for asking so I can clarify.

Originally Posted by Blogwriter

Hi Ennie,

All three of us are on fixed incomes, and we recently lost a major source of income three months ago when my mother-in-law died. I did not ask for money when we were making money taking care of her unless she was in the hospital most of the pay period. When she was in the hospital, my husband and brother-in-law did not get paid. Now our major problem is my brother-in-law smokes, and he prefers cigarettes. Cigarettes are expensive. I went to a friend for help and she recommended a food bank. I appreciated that help because we were running low on food. We make bills a priority, and we are able to negotiate paying bills. The food bank was difficult because I saw so many desperate people who would not smile. I even saw lots of children, and I felt badly for families with children. Even though we did not get all the food we wanted from the food bank, it helped to tide us over until we got some money again. In addition to that, we got more food from the food bank without standing in line because another friend works there. We appreciated the extra food. However, I would be careful about giving food. Some people are on special diets. I had a friend who was poor and she focused on eating healthy food. She wanted other things like bread bags to pick up after her cat, so I gave her bread bags.

What you shared sound like a legitimate case of struggling. They are not going on vacation to Islands and on cruises, as I found out with the person I helped.

[WishfulThinker66]

Originally Posted by Blogwriter

Hi Ennie,

All three of us are on fixed incomes, and we recently lost a major source of income three months ago when my mother-in-law died. I did not ask for money when we were making money taking care of her unless she was in the hospital most of the pay period. When she was in the hospital, my husband and brother-in-law did not get paid. Now our major problem is my brother-in-law smokes, and he prefers cigarettes. Cigarettes are expensive. I went to a friend for help and she recommended a food bank. I appreciated that help because we were running low on food. We make bills a priority, and we are able to negotiate paying bills. The food bank was difficult because I saw so many desperate people who would not smile. I even saw lots of children, and I felt badly for families with children. Even though we did not get all the food we wanted from the food bank, it helped to tide us over until we got some money again. In addition to that, we got more food from the food bank without standing in line because another friend works there. We appreciated the extra food. However, I would be careful about giving food. Some people are on special diets. I had a friend who was poor and she focused on eating healthy food. She wanted other things like bread bags to pick up after her cat, so I gave her bread bags.

Sorry but I think this is rather obtuse and rude of your BIL's expectation that his smoking habit be supported. I think it entirely inappropriate that such an expectation results in others having to visit a food bank as a result. This doesn't show any acknowledgment or responsibility on his part to do what he can to contribute positively. I find it a self-centered act. I know I certainly would not support someone financially or otherwise that made no effort to try and remedy their own situation. If asked, my immediate reaction would be to tell them outright, "ask me for help when you have stopped smoking." There is no excuse for such selfishness.

Again I point out that before offering someone help it is necessary to look at and consider the whole picture. Is their lifestyle contributing to the problem?

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Blogwriter

Hi Ennie,

All three of us are on fixed incomes, and we recently lost a major source of income three months ago when my mother-in-law died. I did not ask for money when we were making money taking care of her unless she was in the hospital most of the pay period. When she was in the hospital, my husband and brother-in-law did not get paid. Now our major problem is my brother-in-law smokes, and he prefers cigarettes. Cigarettes are expensive. I went to a friend for help and she recommended a food bank. I appreciated that help because we were running low on food. We make bills a priority, and we are able to negotiate paying bills. The food bank was difficult because I saw so many desperate people who would not smile. I even saw lots of children, and I felt badly for families with children. Even though we did not get all the food we wanted from the food bank, it helped to tide us over until we got some money again. In addition to that, we got more food from the food bank without standing in line because another friend works there. We appreciated the extra food. However, I would be careful about giving food. Some people are on special diets. I had a friend who was poor and she focused on eating healthy food. She wanted other things like bread bags to pick up after her cat, so I gave her bread bags.

I find it somewhat disturbing. Or maybe I just misunderstand? So you didn’t stand in line because friend works there? So all those families with children had to stay in line longer because you didn’t? Why couldn’t you stand in line like everyone else?

Also I am confused with your brothers smoking habit. So because he smokes you had to ask friends for help and ended up in food bank because he spent money on cigarettes? It’s appaling. Maybe I am just not understanding