[Lil Haunt]

I don't quite know where to start but i've been in a relationship for 2 years with my girlfriend and she believes she is struggling with depression (no way to know for sure as she hasn't seen a professional, she is scared of it costing too much as we're both college students) and we have some problems with arguing a lot , and sometimes they can be intensive (like getting loud etc). I'm not sure exactly what to do but I really want help to make things work and get this figured out as, even through the negative things I genuinely think the relationship is worth it but it's obvious that that some things need to be worked on.

If she has depression, that's a separate issue from your relationship and she needs to be treated on her own for that--not as a couple.

As far as for your relationship issues, you can go to counseling together.

Check for student or low-income insurance as well as Intern rates at counseling centers.

[Bill3]

Does your college have a counseling center? If so, that might be a good source for counseling, often free for students.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry, Lil Haunt Unfortunately, if she thinks she has depression, the only way to know for sure is to talk to a doctor and see how it goes from there. Does your university offer any counselling? Maybe that could help. Hopefully she will be able to see a professional somehow. I believe that's really important. As for what you can do, just try to be supportive of her as much as you can. But remember that you can only do so much to help, the final decision is up to her. You can't "save" her. Remember to take care of yourself as well. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you

[saidso]

Perhaps it's also worth reaching out for peer support resources. In a group of students many people will be examining relationships. For example, other men's groups/ women's groups/ other lbqt, meetups for depression, co-counselling was stuff that was active when I was studying. Peers can help stabilize when relating is difficult, make the exploration fun, plus you can get tips about who is worthwhile in professional helpers in your territory.

Not either/ or - but /and: for certain, others around you will be evaluating their relationship behaviours and that can be turned into a strength if you're up for it . In my college a lot of support for men and women went on around co-counselling, which in itself wasn't a great technique but peer groups turned it into something joyful and dynamic.

Cost of counselling is a big problem here + your partner going into individual counselling for depression could make relating temporarily even more difficult.

You sound hopeful, and that's like gold dust, so yeah.... you are going to learn something good from all this . A big extra-curricular learning curve which will build skills for later - or that's what I tell myself when I find circumstances to be challenging..

Plus - look at the emotional maintenance stuff that you do as a couple which might help regulate/ allow space around the more passionate emotions. Methinks there are free online suggestions about that on Relate and other websites.

Wish you well!!!

I agree with the others about getting her depression treated somehow.

As for the arguing, when it gets heated, just tone down your own voice to a normal level, meaning a calmer level, and she most likely will also calm down in response. When one person acts to diffuse an argument, the other person cannot help but respond in kind.

Or, you can simply say, let's take some space right now until we have calmed down so that we can discuss this rationally and calmly. And stop the communication before it escalates into a heated argument or fight. All it takes is one person to diffuse and calm the situation.