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#1
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So just in need of some advice...and to vent a little. My boyfriend of almost 3 years and I are in a really bad spot financially. He lost his job about 6 months ago and then guess what...I got laid off in December. We have been staying with his mom since we lost the place we were staying.
I have been frantically filling out applications and trying my best to get another job so we can leave his mom's house ASAP. He on the other hand stays up all night and sleeps all day. His mom is even getting aggravated with his lack of effort. I do all the laundry and try to help his mom in any way possible. He does absolutely nothing. I'm getting overwhelmed and feel as if I'm in this alone. I feel bad because I've considered leaving him at his mom's house and breaking up with him due to the no effort and the fights we have been getting into. Like today for instance. He asked where I was going...I didn't hear him and he comes running out the bathroom screaming "why do you always ignore me?!" And "I'm always the bad guy." I tried to tell him where I was going but he went into a rant...so much so his mom came out of her room to see what was going on. As I walking out the door he threw something at me...not sure what it was. I hate this behavior and it makes me feel totally different towards him. 3 years isn't that long and when we go through rough times in the future..is he going to just give up then too? |
![]() Anonymous47864, Anonymous57363, Blogwriter, hvert, MickeyCheeky, Mopey
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#2
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Throwing something at you is unacceptable behavior. He is acting like a leech and a bum. Why isn't he looking for work and helping out? this has gone on for six months? I can understand if he got depressed, but then one must start to take action. Leaving you to do all the work is quite unfair, in his own mother's home. You have every right to be thinking of breaking up. How committed are you to this relationship? You can't be that committed if you're considering leaving. Do you have your own family you can lean on instead while you look for work? If I were you, I'd pack my bags and leave.
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![]() MickeyCheeky
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![]() Blogwriter, MickeyCheeky
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#3
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Hello ShyBoldGirl88. I am so sorry that you are going through so much stress and pain. It sounds like your boyfriend could be exhibiting signs of depression...the sleeping all day, severe apathy etc. Would he be open to meeting with his local MD or a psychologist? Depression is very common with extended unemployment. There is also some research indicating that this is particularly true for men because their job/profession tends to play a large role in their identity/sense of self...therefore the loss of that part can cause intense stress or even a sense of grief. Men often externalize when depressed (may appear angry rather than withdrawn) which could explain some of the shouting or irritability (another symptom of depression) though that would need to be assessed by a medical professional.
The current situation, as you have described, does sound untenable. If your bf is depressed he does need to take responsibility for his mental health and seek professional help. If you choose to remain in the relationship, you can listen and support but you cannot "fix" him if you know what I mean by that. Nobody can or should try to take on the full responsibility for another adult's mental health. In every healthy relationship, each person needs to consider and respect the you, the me, the we. That needs to come from both parties. You said you think he threw something at you...without details I wasn't sure what you meant...did an object strike you or did you hear a thud or bump behind you? If that incident was ambiguous to you, I recommend calmly discussing it with your bf...ask him what happened because you did not see. Is it possible that he dropped something behind you? If he intentionally tossed an object at you, that is not okay under any circumstance. That would warrant a conversation with him about safety and boundaries and acceptable versus unacceptable behavior. As a starting point, I recommend sitting with him and calmly talking things over from your point of view. Avoid judgmental or accusatory language (that tends to shut people down or escalate things). You could try something like: "I'm noticing __________ and I feel uncomfortable/sad when I see/hear ____________ etc. When you sleep a lot or have trouble getting things done, I am wondering if you might be depressed. How do you feel? Can you tell me what's happening from your point of view? When you say you always feel like the "bad guy" could you tell me what you mean by that? How do you think things are going? What do you want for the future? How can we get there?" Professional therapists are great at helping couples talk through things. If that is something you or both of you would be open to. As far as whether to immediately end the relationship or try some resolution, I cannot steer you one way or the other. I am not you and you are the person who will live through the consequences of whatever decision you choose. I think with more info and time, you are the best person to decide for yourself. Just so you know, PC members are not qualified to give expert or medical advice so we are only providing support and opinions here. I suggest talking things over with your bf. See how he responds. If he's not willing to make any changes or seek help, then that's another important piece of info for you to think through. If his anger increases such that you feel unsafe (as I said, I wasn't clear on exactly what happened with the throwing incident) I recommend finding a safe place to live without him and consulting with a therapist for support and counseling. This is clearly a very stressful and confusing situation for you. Take some time for yourself to think things over. Is there a trusted friend or relative (not your bf's) who you can have a chat with for some comfort and connection? Be gentle and patient with yourself. Peace and healing energy to you ![]() Last edited by Anonymous57363; Jan 15, 2019 at 07:39 PM. |
![]() MickeyCheeky
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![]() Blogwriter, Iloivar, MickeyCheeky
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#4
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It’s really nice of your boyfriend’s mom to take you guys in. It sounds like you appreciate that and try to show it by helping her out around the house. It seems to me that the main thing for you to figure out right now is... are you guys just going through a rough patch or is there a pattern to your boyfriend’s behavior? People have rough times sometimes... we all go through hard times throughout our lives... but ultimately you need to be able to communicate and work together for a relationship to withstand those hard times.
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![]() MickeyCheeky
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![]() MickeyCheeky
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#5
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Have you tried asking him why he wont help his mother out? Have you talked with his mother?
__________________
"I carried a watermelon?" President of the no F's given society. |
![]() MickeyCheeky
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![]() MickeyCheeky
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#6
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I'm so sorry you're struggling, shyBoldgirl88
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#7
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Quote:
thankfully his true colors are showing before you tied the knot. I mean what it seems like is that he's probably been a spoiled kid before you even met him and being at home with mom has brought that out of him. Maybe you've been lucky the 3 yrs prior has been (assuming it was) ok. His behavior is not only that of a spoiled kid but also getting to the point of abusive. yelling at you loud enough to start an altercation and get his mother to have to see what's going on, then throwing something at you? I think you have your answer to whether or not you should break up with him or not. That should actually not leave you with any question. If allowed to go on, it will, inevitably escalate and this is only a sign of what's to come in the future if you just let it pass. |
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