Some people come across so nice, proper, and put-together (nicely dressed, eloquant with speech) that you don't realize who they really are until you become really close to them and know them for years.

Are you able to spot insincerity in people who come across so nice and proper? If so, how? I know there is no one-size-fits-all rule to this. But I would like some examples of moments in which you just got that "hunch," or that "gut feeling," that someone is not being sincere.

P.S. The goal here is self-growth. I want to become more sharp and discerning as my counselor told me to explore "the young part" of myself that trusted so easily and in turn, got taken advantage of in the past.

[healingme4me]

I think sincere people tend to be a bit more forthcoming in conversation.
I think with prim and proper insincerity comes accross as a brushing off or dismissiveness almost. I cannot think of much else at the moment.
Sounds like a good work through that your counselor wants you to ponder.

[Mopey]

Originally Posted by ennie

Some people come across so nice, proper, and put-together (nicely dressed, eloquant with speech) that you don't realize who they really are until you become really close to them and know them for years.

Are you able to spot insincerity in people who come across so nice and proper? If so, how? I know there is no one-size-fits-all rule to this. But I would like some examples of moments in which you just got that "hunch," or that "gut feeling," that someone is not being sincere.

P.S. The goal here is self-growth. I want to become more sharp and discerning as my counselor told me to explore "the young part" of myself that trusted so easily and in turn, got taken advantage of in the past.

One thing is if they're glancing around the room while pretending to listen to you.

I really appreciate your inputs because I do believe that the things you said do apply in many, many different situations.

I just happened to have experienced the opposite with the person in my life who turned out to be insincere: Her eye contact was in an attempt to convince me.

I would not want to turn into a cynic, but also do not want to be too gullible and vulnerable.

[Bill3]

I think people show their sincerity or insincerity by actions, and over time.

My advice then is to look at their actions, not their words or eye contact, and to take a nice long time to look, before trusting in their sincerity.

[Mopey]

Originally Posted by ennie

I really appreciate your inputs because I do believe that the things you said do apply in many, many different situations.

I just happened to have experienced the opposite with the person in my life who turned out to be insincere: Her eye contact was in an attempt to convince me.

I would not want to turn into a cynic, but also do not want to be too gullible and vulnerable.

You know, Ennie, it sounds as if whoever it was was pretty sophisticated in their attempt to deceive you - focussing pretty intently on accomplishing their goal.

[WishfulThinker66]

I would say I am very good at spotting insincerity - it is a learned behaviour.

I observe people constantly. Perhaps it is a sad thing but I make up opinions about people (IRL) from the get go. It comes from developed observations skills; and, the need to constantly be vigilant of what goes on around me. Namely, based on experience and traumas, I don't have a great deal of trust in people and thus need to make up my mind early on whether or not they pose a threat to me. I had to learn then from childhood how to spot such things.

I am not even sure actually of what tips me off. It need not be an eye contact thing as a narcissist will make very strong and forceful eye contact. Nope, it is other things I observe... how do they behave when they enter a room? What is their non verbal communication and body language? How comfortable are they in their 'persona'? etc.

All I know is i can spot something like insincerity from a mile away.

I have learned that red flags are always there. Sometimes you see them and you’re just not sure at first how to interpret the information at first. But the red flags are always there. I try to be aware of any red flags and pay attention. It’s not a good idea to trust anyone until they earn it. I’ve learned to limit what I share with others and I’m trying to be a better listener.

[MickeyCheeky]

That's a very good question, ennie. Personally I think insincere people tend to brag about their own qualities and they tend to show off a little; sincere people are usually quiet and their qualities come out over time. It's not always easy to see through people, though. I think it requires a lot of experience and observation. I think you'll get better at it with time. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you

[WishfulThinker66]

Don't forget too to consider the motives behind insincerity. There are those who are so to achieve their own ends but so too there are those who do so as their own security measure. For, putting on a mask of confidence and sincerity is a good defence for many who have self-esteem and self-worth issues. If I appear to be strong no one is going to try to hurt me sort of thing. It becomes a habit.

Originally Posted by WishfulThinker66

I would say I am very good at spotting insincerity - it is a learned behaviour.

I am not even sure actually of what tips me off. It need not be an eye contact thing as a narcissist will make very strong and forceful eye contact.

Yes, I remember for sure that the eye contact felt forced...like I was not allowed to "leave" her cognitively, step back into my own brain, and think about what she was saying.

[AspiringAuthor]

An unnatural laugh, affected mannerisms?

[sarahsweets]

I feel like the ability to "know who people really are" or "Having a feel for people" or "good gut instincts" can either be a nature talent or learned. This could cross into "empath" territory in some ways. I am one of those people who can size people up upon first meeting them and know how to interact with them. I am very friendly and get along well with everyone. I suppose being friendly could be a problem but I believe most people are ok. I tune into my body and sense when I meet new people and form an opinion about them in minutes which I suppose could be bad but it seems to have helped me navigate through life pretty well up until this point.

Originally Posted by ennie

Some people come across so nice, proper, and put-together (nicely dressed, eloquant with speech) that you don't realize who they really are until you become really close to them and know them for years.

Are you able to spot insincerity in people who come across so nice and proper? If so, how? I know there is no one-size-fits-all rule to this. But I would like some examples of moments in which you just got that "hunch," or that "gut feeling," that someone is not being sincere.

P.S. The goal here is self-growth. I want to become more sharp and discerning as my counselor told me to explore "the young part" of myself that trusted so easily and in turn, got taken advantage of in the past.

If they are selling you something in a store they are not sincere. They will try to sell extra warranties etc. The big fake smile is a giveaway too, so big i look behind to see if there is someone else they actually know

In daily life a good clue is how they speak about others to you. If they are nice to someone's face and ***** about them, or make fun of them to you...ask yourself what might they say about you to other people behind your back. People who do that are not very aware. They do not think how their actions look when looked at from another angle

Look out too for people who tell you their problems but do not ask about yours

In my experience and i do not want to put you off most are not very sincere. They will take what they can get. People have had me do free work for them then when i asked for something they did not want to know. i dropped them

Are you able to spot insincerity in people who come across so nice and proper? If so, how?

i tend to ignore such people. Always ask yourself what do they want vs what are they giving. And see how they are if you need help. i am sick today with flu. people have told me call if i need anything. They are OK

I had a friend mean with money. He would watch what i buy and then want to borrow it or suggest i buy it so he could borrow it. Travel with me but not offer any thing towards fuel, not that i wanted it. the point is he was was sly. i dropped him

P.S. The goal here is self-growth. I want to become more sharp and discerning as my counselor told me to explore "the young part" of myself that trusted so easily and in turn, got taken advantage of in the past

how can you do that if you do not know they are genuine

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

I feel like the ability to "know who people really are" or "Having a feel for people" or "good gut instincts" can either be a nature talent or learned. This could cross into "empath" territory in some ways. I am one of those people who can size people up upon first meeting them and know how to interact with them. I am very friendly and get along well with everyone. I suppose being friendly could be a problem but I believe most people are ok. I tune into my body and sense when I meet new people and form an opinion about them in minutes which I suppose could be bad but it seems to have helped me navigate through life pretty well up until this point.

how do you know if it is right or wrong?

A big redbflag is people who always bang on aboutbthemselves, stuck in your face telling you how wonderful they are and spitting as they talk. i know someone like that. I just walked away from him last time. h elearned. Next time he said hi and kept going

My resolution is me first. i no longer give people ride in my car except for very close friend. i was very decent with my car. i saw how people did not care when i was ill. they can get a cab now .and they can find their own way world is full of free loaders.

Of course some people may become users due to their own problems. i wrote before about the woman using me pretending to be my friend , when she wanted to know if her boyfriend, whom i knew, was looking at other women. From her viewpoint /her low self esteem/ her fears this maybe OK. From mine it is being used. So i dropped her as a 'friend'. it is essentialy about survival and viewpoint . And now i am number one in my world. She can go to hell

I hope this does not put you off ennie. i sincerely wish you well in your efforts

[sarahsweets]

Originally Posted by LonelyMan

how do you know if it is right or wrong?

I wish I could tell you! This may be a part of having a good gut, or nature. The learned part for me was how to use the information I felt I had. I wont lie and say I havent been wrong sometimes. I have fallen under a spell of a "charmer" but it has been very rare. And I wish I could rattle off some ways to tell you that its right or wrong but I cant.

Also note how they treat service staff like the barista. So many are arrogantly dismissive of people they think 'below' them