[Bat_Orchid90]

A while back I suffered a loss... my bf died in my arms twice... i was demonized by his family who barely knew me... they thought I was responsible or withheld information to prevent him from being saved... i dealt with drs.. police... the only thing I did was try and save his life and I was treated like garbage. He was my best friend.. with little to no trust in my own family and no one to turn to i really fell all into him... he became my family.. when he died I didn’t know what to do.. now yrs later i met an amazing man, he’s more than I could ask for, but I now feel as though I come off as beyong clingy. I’m afraid of something happening to him too. I always want to do things with him like travel, do fun activities, be around him because Idk, I’ve learned you never know when your last day is your last... from his point of view I guess I’m just up his *** or looks like I just want to spend money but in reality I’m afraid of losing someone else I love... in the process I’ve lost myself. I don’t like going out with friends anymore. I don’t like drawing or writing or doing the things i used to... i just dont really know what to do...

[downandlonely]

Hi Pandabear

So sorry to hear about your former boyfriend. That loss must have been very painful. Have you had an honest conversation with your current boyfriend about why you seem clingy?

I can also see his point of view. It is important to have multiple relationships in our lives (friends and family as well as romantic partners). Is there a reason why you don't want to spend time with your friends anymore?

[Skeezyks]

I'm afraid I wouldn't know what to suggest beyond what is probably the obvious... talking all of this through at-length & in-depth with a mental health therapist. Perhaps you're already doing that? However here are links to 4 articles, from PC's archives, on the subject of attachment that (hopefully) may be of some help:

What Is Attachment and Why Is It Important?

What's My Attachment Style and Why Does It Matter? | Happily Imperfect

How to Change Your Attachment Style

What Is an Anxious Attachment Style and How Can I Change It? | Happily Imperfect

[Bat_Orchid90]

Originally Posted by downandlonely

Hi Pandabear


So sorry to hear about your former boyfriend. That loss must have been very painful. Have you had an honest conversation with your current boyfriend about why you seem clingy?


I can also see his point of view. It is important to have multiple relationships in our lives (friends and family as well as romantic partners). Is there a reason why you don't want to spend time with your friends anymore?

I’ve told him from early on in our relationship and He is very understanding but It’s something that I don’t do on purpose( wanting to be around him to be a pain i mean) , but I’m not ignorant to the fact that thats how I come off at times:/.... and idk as far as my friends I feel like it may be a mix of depression& the fact that, I’m not good at hiding my pain, but I also don’t want to trouble others with my issues by talking about it... everyone has their “demons” of some sort. I guess I just dont like being a burden or I don’t want to be a buzzkill though I try to “fake it till i make it” .

[Bill3]

I am very sorry for your loss and for how you have been treated.

(((((pandabear0927)))))

I agree that therapy could be extremely helpful.

[divine1966]

I am sorry for your pain. My daughter is a widow. It’s been two years and she only now kind of comes to normal. She went through intense bereavement therapy. Have you seen a therapist? The ones specialized on grief are particularly helpful

[Bat_Orchid90]

Originally Posted by divine1966

I am sorry for your pain. My daughter is a widow. It’s been two years and she only now kind of comes to normal. She went through intense bereavement therapy. Have you seen a therapist? The ones specialized on grief are particularly helpful

I’ve seen a therapist and a bereavement counselor, both of which I didn’t find too helpful only because when it comes to death many people turn to faith... and I’m not religious.... so basically they cut out the religion and They end up telling me things I already know:/... like the basic “ it’s not your fault”, “ turn to close friends” “he would want you to move on” “ distract your mind by doing things you love” etc.... all of which I get but... idk.. loss is pain that just sticks ya know? Like.... you can’t ignore a major experience in your life.. experiences are what shape you as a person, it’s just that HOW it shaped me is what comes off as “ clingy”.... you know what I mean? Like anyone can say “ well just keep reminding yourself that your current loved ones are okay” or maybe “ stay in touch and see them often” but my whole thing is like... paranoia and concern... i guess similar to when parents have their first child. Dont let people touch the new baby, don’t let them get dirty, Dont let them eat that, don’t do this dont do that. In the parents mind they’re protecting their child from the “what ifs” in their mind but to the child as they grow up they think “ my parents are helicopters, theyre over protective, they’re nosey, too strict etc etc”...... Idk how to break that “what if” thought process for myself:/.... it’s almost like I’m loving my current bf right out of my life....

[sarahsweets]

I think you need a trauma therapist more than a grief counselor or religious counselor. Its one thing to have your partner die( its own distinct sort of trauma) but its another to have your partner die in your arms. If you dont mind *and I do not want to trigger you* can you tell us what happened?

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you're struggling, pandabear0927 I understand your pain. Did your boyfriend ever tell you ro suggested that you may come across as clingy? Is this just a fear you have or a feeling you get? Either way, I'd suggest therapy as well. Maybe your previous therapist just wasn't a good fit. How long have you been seeing him/her? Unfortunately it takes time to get over the loss of a loved one, but I think it's important to develop coping skills so that we can deal with it in our daily life. So maybe give it another shot? I think it's worth trying. If you want to, of course. I hope writing here helps a bit. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can help somehow. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this

[Bat_Orchid90]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

I think you need a trauma therapist more than a grief counselor or religious counselor. Its one thing to have your partner die( its own distinct sort of trauma) but its another to have your partner die in your arms. If you dont mind *and I do not want to trigger you* can you tell us what happened?

We went away on vacation with a group of friends... he didn’t feel great for a few days but nothing crazy he was just wasnt particularly hungry.. but it was hard to tell sick from bad food or whatever. But idk we were supposed to meet with some friends and go for lunch and he literally got out of bed to take a shower and just collapsed on the floor.... i ran over too him and he was really struggling to breathe.. some of our friends were with us and i called them over... they called 911.... i gave him cpr..... when they got there they had no idea what happened.... basically they transported him two two dif facilities in two completely dif cities... i had to get a rental car... drive 3 hrs away... and i prob didnt sleep for 2 or 3 days because i spent it driving or in an er... they said he basically died the first time and that he was left without oxygen long enough to have brain damage... but they said i acted quick enough to buy them some time... they just didnt know the extent of the damage because they chilled his body as soon as they got him.......... but again after fighting with his family and our friends didnt come with me... i ended up getting a hotel across the st... the family treated me like i did something to him... like i was withholding information that was vital to his survival... as if i was “covering” for myself( idk i think they thought we were doing drugs or something which is ridiculous) mind you, his family only sees him once a yr.. maybe once every other.. mainly because theyre awful.... but yeah... after a few days of fighting for info... getting kicked out of his room.. and when i was allowed in ( when they werent there) i had to get nurses to check on him because they were too busy talking to eachother in the hall when his monitors would go off.... they ended up doing a scan saying there was only a 2% chance he’d wake up....because the brain damage was so bad.. a clot in the lungs is what did it...they deemed it cardiac arrest (though they had no idea where the clots came from) and they pulled the plug.... after a specialist in our area said they were willing to transport him and work with him.... but the family made the call.... i honestly almost drove that rental into the ocean... twice.. twice i thought about ending it... even when i came home... it was awful coming home with that empty plane seat aside of me... walking through the airport thinking ill see his face in the crowd... driving and double checking every plate that looks like his..... and knowing i did what i could and then some and to then be verbally abused by people who didnt even know me.. barely even knew him... to have to give my statement to multiple dif police at multiple times because no ine could explain what happened... I didn’t even get time to grieve until the funeral was over and done. These texts and calls and accusations kept happening “ hey its his sister! I just want you to tell me in your own words one more time what happened, we’re trying to piece it together”....... smh.... it made me lose faith in humanity tbh..... for a while I couldn’t even leave my keys in the ignition.. the beeping would set me off.... my great grandfather had major surgery about a month later and I couldnt be in that hospital for more than 20 min... i started sweating and getting anxious looking over my shoulder..... it was just the sudden event that could happen to anyone ya know? Young person with zero health issues just collapses one day for no apparent reason? That’s horrifying... barely get a goodbye in.. no closure medically or emotionally... and then do deal with legal things on top of that.. i was and still am just ... i still almost dont even believe it happened...

[Bat_Orchid90]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

I'm so sorry you're struggling, pandabear0927 I understand your pain. Did your boyfriend ever tell you ro suggested that you may come across as clingy? Is this just a fear you have or a feeling you get? Either way, I'd suggest therapy as well. Maybe your previous therapist just wasn't a good fit. How long have you been seeing him/her? Unfortunately it takes time to get over the loss of a loved one, but I think it's important to develop coping skills so that we can deal with it in our daily life. So maybe give it another shot? I think it's worth trying. If you want to, of course. I hope writing here helps a bit. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can help somehow. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this

Thank you so much. And ive seen that therapist on and off for about 10 yrs.. as a child I was sent to her because my family was convinced i had anger issues... my parents divorced and were toxic.. always pinning eachother against me.. using me as a pawn.. but ME, I was the one who got sent to therapy...... however I only turned to her again at this event because i felt more comfortable telling someone who “ knew me” vs a total stranger. We emailed on and off before that so she was a bit up to date. And yeah idk... i def just feel like i am clingy... I’ve talked to him and he understands so that why it never causes an argument or anything like that, but at the same time i dont doubt that it bothers him.... right now hes away with work and it’s driving me insane...... It’s the thought process of “ if I would’ve did this differently or acted a second sooner.. he may still be here”.... i dont blame myself yet at the same time i do although i know i have no business feeling that way when i did what i could... i know there are things that are just out of your control and I have to continuously remind myself of that.. so i guess that’s where the clingy parts come in..” if i spend a lot of time with you now..then maybe it wont hurt so bad if you leave me....”

[Blogwriter]

Hi Pandabear,

The things you were going through and your reactions indicate PTSD. A trauma therapist or a PTSD expert may be able to help you reduce anxiety about death. Sending hugs your way.

[Bat_Orchid90]

Originally Posted by Blogwriter

Hi Pandabear,

The things you were going through and your reactions indicate PTSD. A trauma therapist or a PTSD expert may be able to help you reduce anxiety about death. Sending hugs your way.

Thank you for the reply<3 I think I’ll def try to reach out to someone. I really don’t want to fear anymore..