[reuters]

So there's this girl (F22) that I (M20) met back in early 2016 during my second semester of my undergraduate program. We had great chemistry and have always enjoyed each other's company and there was never a dull moment between us. I wanted to pursue things a bit further but she she made it clear that she was not interested in a relationship with me so we remained as good friends.

Here's where things get a bit more complicated. Even though we were never in a relationship, we went out with each other a lot (lunches, dinners, you get the idea) there were lots of hugs and cuddles (no kisses or anything beyond that), some occasional hand holding, calling each other nicknames, said "I love you" to each other: things you would normally expect out of a platonic friendship, right? She even went as far as cancelling a date just for us to have dinner together, which was nice, I thought.

About 1.5 years (Early 2017) into our friendship, she did something that really made me angry and I broke off contact with her as a result (it wasn't the first time she made me angry, but we eventually patched things up after a short while with lots of "dates" and hugs, but this one was the longest). Things were messy, I was in a slight state of depression for a while (she was as well, she made a couple of Instagram posts indirectly referring to me about losing me and how she felt). Do take note that this is the only time I've seen her making a post about losing someone. She's never made a post about her past ex-boyfriends.

Fast forward to mid 2018, I'm (M23) in an actual relationship with another girl for about a year now. However, the girl (F25) and I started getting into contact with each other again, not for personal purposes but for business. She was doing an internship that I was applying for and wanted my CV and available time for an interview. I'm pretty sure that she was doing this on purpose just so she has a chance to talk to me again but whatever.

In between mid-2018 and late 2018, I came to the realization that what happened in the past was easily avoidable by me, as I had to play a role in this as well. So I let my anger go upon further self-reflection.

It was only after a graduation dinner (late 2018) that we started getting into talking to each other again as I dropped her off at her place after the dinner. We made amends as we said goodbye, and that's when things started kicking off again. My girlfriend was not happy about this as she felt that there was a hidden intention behind it but I doubt it as the girl knows I'm in a relationship.

We still see each other from time to time but there's no more of the cuddling, nicknames or intimacy that we once had. I still feel the slight tension and chemistry in the air but we both never took it one step further. it would be wrong to do so and she's also casually seeing someone else for the time being. However we do keep very active contact (messaging and calling) with one another via WhatsApp & Instagram on how our lives are.

It'd be safe to consider now that we're best friends again.

I really love her as a friend (probably as a partner if I wasn't committed) and I'm really happy that we're talking again and all but the question that I have lingering in my mind for a while is this:

Usually from past experience, after something drastic has happened, contact would be cut off or minimal (as I had with all my exes). Yet for some reason, we keep coming back to each other even after such a drastic experience, given time. And yet, despite having opportunities in the past, we wouldn't be in a relationship since she made her stance (which I totally respected).

I'm an atheist, but somehow I always feel that fate has bound us together. It's either a blessing or a curse given that we can't really get rid of each other.

My main question is what drives a woman to want to continuously stay in close friendship with a man who she clearly has no relationship interest with despite having multiple fights with him in the past that would almost permanently end communications between friends (or couples) in similar situations?

This question is bothering me and I'd really like an answer, if possible.

The story is a lot longer (and more complicated) than it is but I wanted to keep it focused. Ask away if you want to know more about my story.

tl;dr met a girl friend during junior year in university, had great chemistry, fought a couple of times and made up for it. However, broke off contact with her for about 1.5 years. Fast forward to now, we're talking to each other again. Case like this would simply just end communications with one another permanently. Why is this case different?

[MickeyCheeky]

Well, I don't see anything unusual about it, reuters. I think this happens to a lot of people, actually. Although I don't know what caused these fights, can you share some more details? If you want to, of course. Perhaps she's only talking to you because she likes you as a friend. Or maybe she's interested in more, although I'm not sure since she's the one that refused a relationship. I don't think there's necessarely something complicated behind it. If you fear things may escalate, and you don't want that, then I'd suggest to just cut off contacts with good and avoid any risk. But if you're not seeing any potential threat, then I think it's ok to keep her as a friend. Just be careful with your behavior, as things like this can be very delicate. But I think you're handling the situation quite well. Sending many hugs to you

[reuters]

Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky

Well, I don't see anything unusual about it, reuters. I think this happens to a lot of people, actually. Although I don't know what caused these fights, can you share some more details? If you want to, of course. Perhaps she's only talking to you because she likes you as a friend. Or maybe she's interested in more, although I'm not sure since she's the one that refused a relationship. I don't think there's necessarely something complicated behind it. If you fear things may escalate, and you don't want that, then I'd suggest to just cut off contacts with good and avoid any risk. But if you're not seeing any potential threat, then I think it's ok to keep her as a friend. Just be careful with your behavior, as things like this can be very delicate. But I think you're handling the situation quite well. Sending many hugs to you

Well the fights when looking back at it are pretty immature.. most likely just late-teen stuff if you get what I mean. Doesn't mean I wasn't pissed about it back then. I tend to hold quite a grudge, takes a while for me to let go of things and take the initiative to be the one to apologize, been trying to work on that.

I honestly don't think things will escalate that much..., just that my current partner isn't too particularly happy about it so like you said, I'll have to be delicate about it. But I don't see any logical reason to cut off contact, she's a great companion to have.

Thanks for the hugs

[Iloivar]

If you really want the answer, perhaps this is something you talk about to her? At the very least, she highly values your friendship. If she reveals a hidden motive, at least you'll know now than later. A problem that may arise if that were to occur is, how would you cope knowing such information? You already admitted that there's still attraction on your part, and cleary your bond was strong in the past and remains so to this day.

[sarahsweets]

I think its only fair to consider limiting contact if at all. You said yourself you may have been in a relationship with her if you were not committed so to me that means that your girlfriend is the only thing standing in your way. I am a believe in fate. I do not mean that God made fate but I believe in some cosmic sense two people can be tied together for whatever reason. I do not know if it is fair to your current girlfriend because at the very least you are emotionally intimate with the friend. I am not the jealous type at all but I could see myself being bothered if my husband or boyfriend has that sort of relationship with another woman-one who used to be very tight with my partner. I think being straightforward is the way to go. You may be risking the friendship but it sounds like you are in the friends but almost more than friends zone. I dont know maybe I am wrong but I think if youre being honest with yourself it might be true. Does she have a boyfriend?

[reuters]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

I think its only fair to consider limiting contact if at all. You said yourself you may have been in a relationship with her if you were not committed so to me that means that your girlfriend is the only thing standing in your way. I am a believe in fate. I do not mean that God made fate but I believe in some cosmic sense two people can be tied together for whatever reason. I do not know if it is fair to your current girlfriend because at the very least you are emotionally intimate with the friend. I am not the jealous type at all but I could see myself being bothered if my husband or boyfriend has that sort of relationship with another woman-one who used to be very tight with my partner. I think being straightforward is the way to go. You may be risking the friendship but it sounds like you are in the friends but almost more than friends zone. I dont know maybe I am wrong but I think if youre being honest with yourself it might be true. Does she have a boyfriend?

She's seeing someone but it's not at a serious level, just casual for now. In the past she's had a partner or two but nothing long-term, I'm currently her longest "partner" if you're looking at it from that aspect.

We both have made it pretty clear among ourselves that we would stay as friends, so I don't see anything to worry about. Although my current partner may look worried, I seriously doubt anything big will come out of my close friendship with my best friend for the foreseeable future.

Still my only question is why would she want to stay in close contact with me... it's still puzzling me.

[Bill3]

Why do you say that she clearly has no relationship interest?

People can change. She said no three years ago but she might say yes today.

You fought a lot three years ago. How much do you fight with her now?

I note that you say that you “probably” see her as a partner except for the fact that you are committed. Not that you love and prefer your current girlfriend.

Who do you love?

What if you knew for a fact that she was interested?

[reuters]

Originally Posted by Bill3

Why do you say that she clearly has no relationship interest?

People can change. She said no three years ago but she might say yes today.

You fought a lot three years ago. How much do you fight with her now?

I note that you say that you “probably” see her as a partner except for the fact that you are committed. Not that you love and prefer your current girlfriend.

Who do you love?

What if you knew for a fact that she was interested?

So far in the past few months we've not fought at all, cos there's really nothing to fight about since we've both graduated. And I'm clear and know the fact that she's got no relationship interest because she's already explicitly stated it.

For the record, I do love and cherish my partner and until my partner and I split due to whatever circumstances, things will stay as is.

[Bill3]

Thanks for your response.

She presumably would deny an interest in a relationship while you are in another relationship. Nevertheless, she still could be interested, were you free.

But if in your deep heart of hearts you prefer your current girlfriend, so be it.

I have another take on it. It seems she genuinely cares about and wants your friendship. When a woman makes it clear she's not interested, she's truly not interested.

I have a close male friend whom I would call a best friend. We've said "I love you", we hug, have dinners, lunches, hang out... we've had many fights over the years and have not spoken yet always come back to our friendship. We are very good friends.

Some friendships endure fights that may normally break up a relationship because there is great value to that friendship. So I would take it all at face value: she cares about the friendship.

I would be more concerned about whether you have a secret interest in her and whether you are, deep down, hoping she has romantic feelings for you. You've said you love your girlfriend, but I know men, and typically in a platonic friendship the male wants more (in my experience). You've also mentioned that you probably would have her as a partner if you weren't in a relationship.

So are you harboring feelings for your friend and if so, what do you do about that?

[reuters]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

I have another take on it. It seems she genuinely cares about and wants your friendship. When a woman makes it clear she's not interested, she's truly not interested.

I have a close male friend whom I would call a best friend. We've said "I love you", we hug, have dinners, lunches, hang out... we've had many fights over the years and have not spoken yet always come back to our friendship. We are very good friends.

Some friendships endure fights that may normally break up a relationship because there is great value to that friendship. So I would take it all at face value: she cares about the friendship.

I would be more concerned about whether you have a secret interest in her and whether you are, deep down, hoping she has romantic feelings for you. You've said you love your girlfriend, but I know men, and typically in a platonic friendship the male wants more (in my experience). You've also mentioned that you probably would have her as a partner if you weren't in a relationship.

So are you harboring feelings for your friend and if so, what do you do about that?

I do nothing. I'm already committed. That is until the commitment has changed.

Originally Posted by reuters

I do nothing. I'm already committed. That is until the commitment has changed.

Ok, so there you go. I think you can safely believe that your friend hold just feelings of friendship for you, and you're in a committed relationship as it is.

[scorpiosis37]

Being close friends, being affectionate, having lots of lunches and dinners, fighting, and then making up is pretty much the definition of friendship. That sounds incredibly normal. It does not suggest that she has romantic feelings for you. It seems you still have those feelings for her, though, and are looking for signs that her feelings have changed. Unless she tells you otherwise, I would assume she is still not interested.

In friendships, due to cultural norms, men may be less likely to be physically affectionate or talk about deep feelings. But this is very typical for women. I cuddle, hug, hold hands, and have 4 hour long phone conversations with my friends. We have had pretty big fights, but always seem to resolve them. It’s becsuse the friendship bond is strong. That is pretty much the definition of close friendship. I really would not read this woman’s actions as anything outside the norm for how women behave in friendships.

[Bill3]

If it is true that you have strong relationship-type feelings for her, and if it is true that she does not reciprocate those feelings, then I think you would be wise to consider breaking contact with her.

[divine1966]

It’s a waste of time wondering about what she does and why. Focus on what you do and why. You likely still have feelings for your ex and it’s not fair to your current girlfriend. I recommend you stop dating and work on getting over your feelings for your ex. Your ex doesn’t appear to be romantically interested in you, but you are.

I’d stop contact with both at this moment. Your current girlfriend is so called consolation price as you said if not her, you’d be romantic with your ex. That’s not right. Sort yourself out first and then consider dating.