My partner has moved his 20yo adult son in our house

Hello. I am 30 yo and my partner is 49. When we met he was divorced with 2 children (age now: girl: 18, boy:20).
We have been together for around 2 years and have a wonderful loving relationship and recently we have bought a house together (when I say together, it means I paid half).
I have met his kids before buying the house, they were visiting twice a week and we’d have dinner together and then they would go back home to where their mom lives. But after we bought the house together his son is here all the time.
The problem is that my bf started saying about 6 months ago year that his son will sleep here a few nights a week since they drive to the same workplace together where his son is an intern, which in my mind makes sense. But this has been going on for already more than half a year now and in the meantime he has bought a desk and other household items for the room his son is staying in. Now his son is only going to school with his own car, but still continues to stay here.
To be honest, my bf has not even come to ask me how I feel about it, but automatically presumed that this is ok from my side. When I first asked about this I got an agressive reaction and the response that “I don’t like his children” which is not the case.. and the second time I asked, the response was even more agressive than the 1st one, but in the end I explained my lack of privacy and also my need of being alone sometimes, which he seeme to get at that point. The thing is.. his son is still here even after this and my bf said that this was his plan all along in his head when we bought the house, that his son can have a place to stay here as long as he wants for the next 1,5 years while he is a student. (Which he told me after he has already been here for half a year)
The thing is that he is not a child anymore.. he is a 20yo full grown adult, living with his father and his 30 yo fathers gf. He lives on friday back to his home and I get stuck cleaning after him on Saturday.
I feel seriously embaressed by the situation and I feel I cannot relax and feel at home in my own place (thank god he is going to his mother’s in the weekend, otherwise I would die).
What am I supposed to do? Nobody seems to get the hint that i am not ok with this all the time.. but i feel that when I try to discuss it, I get into an extremely useless conversation.. help!

Hi, I don't know what you are supposed to do - but I have a male friend (not partner) who behaves with a similar set of sliding boundaries. He starts off agreeing one thing but in his head he is already sliding towards whatever crazy pole of gravity floats his boat at the time. This is particularly true when not setting boundaries with his adult children, and if challenged he becomes furious because he behaves with his kids in an unconscious, inexplicit co-dependency. He complains about his kids while going along with their desires because that temporarily makes him a "good" dad.

There's no boundaries with his children and no sense of responsibility in his adult friendships either. Yet he is, kind-of, a "good" friend and a "good" person.

I totally sympathise with your anger and hope that the experience of others here can help you negotiate this minefield!!!

Internships are typically temporary... maybe things will work out.

I don't know what to advise... it's a tough situation. On the one hand, he should have disclosed to you his plan before buying the home, and he should have also consulted with you beforehand. On the other hand, it makes sense since he has children as well as a home to now share with them, so why wouldn't he, right? I don't like that he's not willing to listen to your side without getting angry or aggressive, as you put it. It seems like he wants to make plans without your input. It's almost a no-win situation -- if you put up a stink, you're the bad guy who doesn't like his kids. If you go along and suck it up, so to speak, you're potentially unhappy.

I wouldn't put up a stink in order to avoid being the bad guy, & at least you have the weekend, but perhaps his lack of consultation with you says something about his expectations in the relationship? What other important matters will he go ahead with on without your input and opinions? That's what comes to mind for me.

Perhaps the arrangement that has been imposed on you would be more tolerable, and create less resentment, if the son cleaned up after himself.

What if you simply did not clean up after him? What if you insisted that he clean up after himself?

Why not just end the relationship because it not working out? Your not comfortable being with someone who has children. Even if it is adult.

This is a tricky situation. You need to set boundaries for yourself but you also probably don’t want to alienate your partner’s son or create problems between the two of them. I think one thing you can do is ask both of them at the same time to sit down with you and talk about this. I think that it’s quite fair and reasonable to ask them to discuss issues with the current living arrangement - especially the cleaning part. You shouldn’t be cleaning up after after another full grown adult. You deserve the respect of open communication in your own home. The problem isn’t likely to be solved in one meeting... but sitting down together with the two of them is a good start. Best of luck to you.

I’ll be honest. This post makes me sad. I take it you don’t have kids. You entered into the relationship or at very least the purchase of the house knowing full well he’s got kids. They’re his kids. Period. And in my honest opinion they’re allowed to stay at their dads place anytime they like. No permission from you is required.

Wow, that is a tough spot to be in. On one hand it is half your house-you deserve to have a peaceful abode to live in. On the other hand it is his son and he will always be his son. When someone dates or gets involved with someone with kids I try and look at it as a package deal, Not that the person will be financially and physically responsible for their kid forever, but in general supportive and doing his best to help out his son, however that may be. It is a shame that he didnt talk to you about it. If he owned the house and you moved in I could see him having the right to have whoever he wants living with him. But you paid half so its a a touch situation. I know its tough but this is his son.

[QUOTE=CrisS23;6410378]

Hello CrisS23. What an unpleasant situation for you! I understand why you feel so frustrated. This definitely should have been discussed directly with you by your bf before his son moved in. He should have requested your permission. It is your home just as much as his. And, I'm guessing the 20 year old son...in addition to leaving a mess behind...is also not contributing to any bills or paying some kind of rent. Do I have that right?

So, where to go from here? Are you and your bf willing to meet with a couples therapist? I am concerned that he is not fully open to hearing your point of view and feelings. Accusing you of not liking his children rather than talking it over sounds like a cheap diversion tactic to shut down the conversation. I am also concerned that if you try to discuss with bf and son, that could possibly turn into a two against one situation. Your household seems to currently really lack equity...equal respect for your boundaries and feelings does not seem to be a priority.

I'd like to raise a possible issue. Before I do, I want to say that I am not making any assumptions here...I don't know you or your bf. That said, I would like to ask how you feel about the age gap in your relationship. 19 years apart is a lot. No judgment here...that is not necessarily a problem but in many cases it can lead to a power differential. For example, you bought the house together 50:50 and yet your bf decided it was okay to add another member to the household without even asking you...to me that sounds like he feels he's in charge and expects you to go along with it...that is not how we treat our equals...our partners. The "getting increasingly angry" when you express your concerns is also a red flag. Any other areas of the relationship where he behaves as though he's in charge...makes important decisions for you...or doesn't respect your feelings? What do you mean by "aggressive?" Any name-calling, intimidation? Something else?

House rules need to be laid down as soon as possible. 20 year old son should be cleaning up after himself every time and I would think he should also at least be contributing to food bills. As you said, we are not talking about a minor here. Nobody ever did a full-grown cognitively intact adult any favors by treating them like a dependent child. When I was 20, I lived in a different country from my parents, went to university full-time, and had a job to cover expenses not covered by my student loans. If your bf and his son are not willing to agree to some important house rules and respect your feelings and position as 50% home-owner, then I suggest taking a step back and asking yourself what you are/are not willing to tolerate for the future.

Given your prior difficulties with open communication with your bf, you may want to involve an experienced relationship therapist...soon. Sounds like you weren't getting anywhere with the dialogue before. Were you able to use calm, non-accusatory language when you raised the issue or were you feeling quite heated? Sorry you're in such a tough spot. Peace to you. I hope a therapist can help with some family resolution. Take care of yourself and remember that your needs and feelings are NO less important than those of your bf or his son.

Accusing you of not liking his children rather than talking it over sounds like a cheap diversion tactic to shut down the conversation.

Agree totally. This is about the dynamics of relationship... and it's touches on people's habits of listening and being responsive to others. Not doing that in a committed relationship is hurtful!!!

Agree with the house rules also, but think that listening and being responsible to a partner's emotional state is..... phew, no wonder that you feel angry!

I'm so sorry, CrisS23 It sounds like a tough situation to be in. I fdin it worrying that your boyfriend doesn't seem willing to communicate with you. Communication is very important in every relationship. I think you have every right to set up boundaries and at least know in advance what he's planning to do. I'd suggest to seriously talk to him about this and see how it goes from there. Maybe involve your son if you feel like it. If he's still not willing to listen to you, then I think you need to seriously reconsider this relationship. I agree with HopefullyLost1211 that couple counselling could be useful, although he's the one that needs to change, not you. If he refuses this, you may want to end this relationship before it gets even messier. I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I hope things will get better for you soon. I hope writing here helps a bit. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. Sending many hugs to you

I believe no permission is required with minor children.

But bringing adult children, yours together or just one of the parents, to reside in the house needs to be discussed before hand.

It’s rude and inconsidered to make unilatreal decisions. If bringing in adult son does need to be discussed then how about bringing adult brother or aunt or the whole entire family in? Why is that different? What if OP has 20-year old brother can she just move him in without mentioning it to her partner? I can’t imagine me or my husband just moved our kids in without even discussing it? How is it even acceptable

The guy clearly doesn’t respect you as a full partner even though you paid half for a house. You don’t have “son” issue, yiu have “boyfriend” issue.

Well said Divine! Agreed, we aren't talking about a high-school child. Cris would have known ahead of time if younger children would be living with her. This is something very different and troubling. I am concerned that there is something darker going on with Cris' partner.

Unilateral decision-making can be a sign of emotional abuse. It is mentioned on the following list which was medically reviewed by a Nurse Practitioner with a PhD.

64 Signs of Mental and Emotional Abuse: How to Identify It, What to Do

Bill from PC also created the following thread:

Dear Abby: Warning Signs of an Abuser

Cris, I don't want to offend you. Ignore these if you don't feel they are relevant but I think if you read over the lists it could be useful to keep in mind. I used to be in a relationship with someone much older than me and although things were wonderful in the beginning, over time he started making major decisions without even consulting me. Then when I tried to discuss, he was enraged and blamed me.

You say you bought the house together. What are the legal terms and protections you put in place in case you dont stay together? You arent married so I do not know what laws you would need to abide by.

Good point. A consultation with a lawyer could be a good idea. Many lawyers offer free initial consultations.