[Ponderingfellow22]

So me and my girlfriend have been dating for 11 months now. When we first started dating she told me she had anxiety, so I didn’t think much of it when I first brought her over and she wouldn’t really engage with my family. But now I’m starting to worry. She has opened up to my mom and stuff but her and my sister dislike each other. My girlfriend dislikes my sister because my sister is “disrespectful and rude and doesn’t know how to treat people”. Which is true she’s very rude to our mother and myself. Recently my sisters friend told my sister that my girlfriend has been liking a lot of her posts but hasn’t been liking my sisters, and my sister says it’s cause my girlfriend is trying to infiltrate her life and being her down. Idk. I ask my girlfriend to be nice and comply but she doesn’t. If we go out and my sister is there she’ll just sit down with a bleak look on her face and not speak. Then when I ask her to be nice and kill with kindness she freaks out and cries and says I don’t care about her or consider her feelings. My mom also pulled me to the side and says she’s just trying to divide the family. Idk if that’s true but I also could be blinded. She does come from a rough family life. I really just need help I don’t know what to do.

[healingme4me]

Was she friends with your sister and her friend before becoming involved with you?

I'm presuming things are serious, since you've brought her in to spend ample time with your entire family? Am I understanding this correctly?

One thing that I do know about being brought into families, where even 1 family member is rude, is that it's important to not wilt nor wither under pressure. Plus, it shows reverence to you to behave cordially enough if being brought into the family. I mean my exh warned me ahead of time to save my kind demeanor if put on the spot. I didn't really need to, but having the green light to not be a total people pleaser was important as his family is very large and can have moments of pure crass.

That said, I worry about the 'dividing the family' comment. It's not up to her to plant seeds of distaste unless your gf was doing something truly horrendous like theft, lies, cheating etc. Sooo...she didn't click like on FB--- ugh. Fb..ugh and she refused to engage in more than crawling into her shell while in the presense of your sister who obviously doesn't like her.

The question is....Do you like her? Isn't this about you, your life and your choices? How often are these family get togethers anyways? Maybe less is more?

[sarahsweets]

Originally Posted by Ponderingfellow22

So me and my girlfriend have been dating for 11 months now. When we first started dating she told me she had anxiety, so I didn’t think much of it when I first brought her over and she wouldn’t really engage with my family. But now I’m starting to worry. She has opened up to my mom and stuff but her and my sister dislike each other. My girlfriend dislikes my sister because my sister is “disrespectful and rude and doesn’t know how to treat people”. Which is true she’s very rude to our mother and myself.

I guess I wonder if this is so bad. If your sister is rude to her how can you expect her to act like she likes her?

Recently my sisters friend told my sister that my girlfriend has been liking a lot of her posts but hasn’t been liking my sisters, and my sister says it’s cause my girlfriend is trying to infiltrate her life and being her down. Idk. I ask my girlfriend to be nice and comply but she doesn’t. If we go out and my sister is there she’ll just sit down with a bleak look on her face and not speak. Then when I ask her to be nice and kill with kindness she freaks out and cries and says I don’t care about her or consider her feelings. My mom also pulled me to the side and says she’s just trying to divide the family. Idk if that’s true but I also could be blinded. She does come from a rough family life. I really just need help I don’t know what to do.

You cant pay one bit of attention to social media. Who cares if she likes posts or not? Its a terrible way to measure someone by.

Hello PonderingFellow. Looks like you already got some great Qs and comments from the other posters

I am sorry you are going through this conflict. Something I'd like to point out is that (if I understood correctly) your gf has done nothing of note other than not perform cartwheels when your sister is around. And yet, your sister accused her of "trying to infiltrate" her life "in order to bring (her) down" and your mother accused her of "trying to divide the family." There's a fairly stark contrast there, right? Do you see it? Your gf is quiet or subdued around your sister but your sister is using military op language to describe her and your mother isn't too far behind. They sound paranoid honestly or hostile to outsiders? And your sister's friend (in reporting on "likes"...I mean, really??) sounds like she is

Have you ever introduced a different gf to them? How did they respond?

You said you agree with your gf that your sister is "very rude" etc yet you expect your gf to be pals with her? Why?

Some people are definitely more sophisticated in those awkward situations than others but it seems as though you're finding fault with the wrong party. As long as your gf shows a basic level of respect, I don't see an issue on her end. Are your family members showing her basic respect? Did they ever kindly welcome her into the fold? It doesn't sound like it.

I'm going to throw out an idea here for you PonderingFellow. I don't know how old you are but if you are old enough to seriously date and bring a partner home....it might be time to cut the apron strings! Do you know what I mean by that? You go out in the world, choose a partner, bring that person to meet your clan, and expect them to make her feel welcome...not judge her up and down and accuse her of military style ops. If they don't welcome her with open arms, you have two choices:

1. take a long step back from the clan and think about how you want your adult future to go...might it be time to set some boundaries with the clan? ("Mother, Sis, I love you and I also love my gf. You need to start being friendly and welcoming to her. When you respect her, you are also showing your respect for me. I know it's time to visit again when my relatives are being kind to my partner.")
or
2. dump the unwelcome gf in order to appease your mother and sis and prepare yourself for a lifetime of Mama Bear and Sis rejecting your partners and making all of your important life decisions for you.

I encourage you to consider Option 1 That and/or consult with a psychologist about your family and dating concerns.

Good luck

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you're struggling, Ponderingfellow22 I agree with all the others that your girlfriend is not necessarely at fault here. Contrasts between our partners and our family members can happen, unfortunately. However, from what you wrote, I feel like she's handling the situation the best she can. She's not being rude to her, instead she just seems kind of annoyed and tries to ignore her. Yes, it'd be best if she was able to at least pretend to be kind, but that's not always possible. Especially if your sister is being rude to her. I feel like those comments towards her are really uncalled for, since she's not really doing anything that bad. If you really love her, my advice would be to just make her avoid your sister as much as you can, although I know it's not easy. I also agree with HopefullyLost1211 that you need to talk to your family about this and make them understand that you really love this person and ask them to at least try to be nice to her. After all, it is your own life and you must make your own decisions. I'm so sorry, I know it's painful when the people you love don't like each other, but unfortunately it can happen. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this

[Bill3]

My girlfriend dislikes my sister because my sister is “disrespectful and rude and doesn’t know how to treat people”. Which is true she’s very rude to our mother and myself.

Your sister is rude and your gf has anxiety. No wonder your gf dislikes her and has little to say to her.

my sisters friend told my sister that my girlfriend has been liking a lot of her posts but hasn’t been liking my sisters, and my sister says it’s cause my girlfriend is trying to infiltrate her life and being her down. Idk.

Your response to this claim is “Idk”.

Your words indicate that you think that it is actually possible that your gf’s goal is to “infiltrate your sister’s life and bring her down”.

No wonder your gf does not feel supported.

I ask my girlfriend to be nice and comply

What do you mean by “comply”?

but she doesn’t. If we go out and my sister is there she’ll just sit down with a bleak look on her face and not speak. Then when I ask her to be nice and kill with kindness she freaks out and cries and says I don’t care about her or consider her feelings.

Have you asked your sister, who you say is the rude person here, “to be nice and comply” and “to kill with kindness”?

My mom also pulled me to the side and says she’s just trying to divide the family. Idk if that’s true but I also could be blinded.

Another “idk”. Are you saying that it is actually possible that your gf’s goal is to divide your family?

No wonder your gf does not feel supported.

I really just need help I don’t know what to do.

I think that you should support your gf and stop leaning on her.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by Ponderingfellow22

So me and my girlfriend have been dating for 11 months now. When we first started dating she told me she had anxiety, so I didn’t think much of it when I first brought her over and she wouldn’t really engage with my family. But now I’m starting to worry. She has opened up to my mom and stuff but her and my sister dislike each other. My girlfriend dislikes my sister because my sister is “disrespectful and rude and doesn’t know how to treat people”. Which is true she’s very rude to our mother and myself. Recently my sisters friend told my sister that my girlfriend has been liking a lot of her posts but hasn’t been liking my sisters, and my sister says it’s cause my girlfriend is trying to infiltrate her life and being her down. Idk. I ask my girlfriend to be nice and comply but she doesn’t. If we go out and my sister is there she’ll just sit down with a bleak look on her face and not speak. Then when I ask her to be nice and kill with kindness she freaks out and cries and says I don’t care about her or consider her feelings. My mom also pulled me to the side and says she’s just trying to divide the family. Idk if that’s true but I also could be blinded. She does come from a rough family life. I really just need help I don’t know what to do.

I had some experience with this. In my case my brother exes and their wives and girlfriends were very jealous of everyone who even look at my brother where one of my sister who has a friend who is extremely controlling and is jealous of anyone who has my sister attention It kind of sound like your girlfriend might have a problem with your family and is trying to tear you apart from your family. Have you ask her why she is acting the way she is around your sister? Have you thought about gathering evidence like have a friend get together with your sister and girlfriend while your not there and record without their knowledge to see what is going on? Or have you listening on a phone call so you can hear what is going on. I would reevaluate my relationship with the girlfriend.

Originally Posted by Buffy01

I had some experience with this. In my case my brother exes and their wives and girlfriends were very jealous of everyone who even look at my brother where one of my sister who has a friend who is extremely controlling and is jealous of anyone who has my sister attention It kind of sound like your girlfriend might have a problem with your family and is trying to tear you apart from your family. Have you ask her why she is acting the way she is around your sister? Have you thought about gathering evidence like have a friend get together with your sister and girlfriend while your not there and record without their knowledge to see what is going on? Or have you listening on a phone call so you can hear what is going on. I would reevaluate my relationship with the girlfriend.

Hi Buffy. I know you want to help Pondering Fellow. You are a very kind person And I need to point out that secretly recording someone or listening to other people's phone calls is a violation of their boundaries. That is not okay. And I don't think that would be the path to peace for PF, his family, or his gf.

[downandlonely]

I would not advise spying. I can't see how that can help the situation.

From everything that you've said, it seems like your family is the hostile party in this situation and not your girlfriend. Have you brought home other girlfriends before? If this is the first one, maybe your family is jealous of her and afraid that she will take you from them. If you have brought other girlfriends home, how has your family reacted to them? Is this hostility a pattern with your family?

Some families do not like to accept that a member may be moving on and building a new family of their own. It seems like this might be the case with your mother and sister.

Originally Posted by downandlonely

I would not advise spying. I can't see how that can help the situation.

From everything that you've said, it seems like your family is the hostile party in this situation and not your girlfriend. Have you brought home other girlfriends before? If this is the first one, maybe your family is jealous of her and afraid that she will take you from them. If you have brought other girlfriends home, how has your family reacted to them? Is this hostility a pattern with your family?

Some families do not like to accept that a member may be moving on and building a new family of their own. It seems like this might be the case with your mother and sister.

Well said D&L!

Unless there's more to the story about your girlfriend that you haven't said, I agree with what Bill and D&L and most everyone else said in response. Your family sounds hostile and is probably intimidating to your girlfriend. Perhaps that's why she looks bleak when she has to sit next to your sister. I think Bill asked an excellent question: do you ask your sister to "comply" as well? And what do you mean by comply? Do you mean act the way your family prefers? I think you should be more emotionally supportive of your girlfriend. Best of luck.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by HopefullyLost1211

Hi Buffy. I know you want to help Pondering Fellow. You are a very kind person And I need to point out that secretly recording someone or listening to other people's phone calls is a violation of their boundaries. That is not okay. And I don't think that would be the path to peace for PF, his family, or his gf.

I supposed that depend on how it view. But there is no reason for you to be rude to me because you don't agree with my suggestion.

Originally Posted by Buffy01

I supposed that depend on how it view. But there is no reason for you to be rude to me because you don't agree with my suggestion.

No rudeness intended Buffy. Sorry if it seemed that way. Peace to you and a wonderful day/eve

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by HopefullyLost1211

No rudeness intended Buffy. Sorry if it seemed that way. Peace to you and a wonderful day/eve

I'm sorry my defense are up. People have been very rude to me lately.

Originally Posted by Buffy01

I'm sorry my defense are up. People have been very rude to me lately.

I'm sorry to hear that Buffy. I respect you. You deserve peace, joy, and a bright future! I wish it for you

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by downandlonely

I would not advise spying. I can't see how that can help the situation.

From everything that you've said, it seems like your family is the hostile party in this situation and not your girlfriend. Have you brought home other girlfriends before? If this is the first one, maybe your family is jealous of her and afraid that she will take you from them. If you have brought other girlfriends home, how has your family reacted to them? Is this hostility a pattern with your family?

Some families do not like to accept that a member may be moving on and building a new family of their own. It seems like this might be the case with your mother and sister.

That true!

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by HopefullyLost1211

I'm sorry to hear that Buffy. I respect you. You deserve peace, joy, and a bright future! I wish it for you

Thank you for reminding me that I still had something good in my post that was pointed out.