[Izzydog2019]

The reason I am here is my extreme anxiety. Lately, my anxiety has stemmed from my relationship. I have been in a stable relationship with my boyfriend for a little over a year. He is everything I have ever wanted. He is faithful, loving, and hilarious. We talk heavily about marriage and I know I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I have never been happier in my life, but lately there has been intimacy issues. The issue is that he isn't interested in having any, at all. Now, I will say that there is an 11 year age difference between him and I. He is older. When we first started dating, we had no issue with this, whatsoever. If anything, it was too much. It was like he, all of the sudden, just didn't want anything to do with it. Of course, this makes me feel horrible. I feel like he is going to leave me at any moment, to find someone he actually wants. It makes me feel bad about my body. It makes me inadequate. All together, it's driving my self-esteem to the ground. To me, it isn't about the actual act, it's about me feeling like I am desirable enough to keep him. I have mentioned how I feel to him and he assures me that he loves me and that it doesn't have anything to do with me, but that doesn't make me feel any better about it. I love him more than anything in this world, but I feel absolutely awful about this all of the time. Besides this, our relationship is almost perfect. I just don't know what to do about this. I can't think about anything else. This is triggering my anxiety to an extreme.

[sarahsweets]

Originally Posted by Izzydog2019

Now, I will say that there is an 11 year age difference between him and I. He is older. When we first started dating, we had no issue with this, whatsoever. If anything, it was too much.

Do you mind me asking how old both of you are?

It was like he, all of the sudden, just didn't want anything to do with it. Of course, this makes me feel horrible. I feel like he is going to leave me at any moment, to find someone he actually wants. It makes me feel bad about my body. It makes me inadequate. All together, it's driving my self-esteem to the ground.

Do you think he he is seeing someone else? What makes you think he will leave you?

To me, it isn't about the actual act, it's about me feeling like I am desirable enough to keep him. I have mentioned how I feel to him and he assures me that he loves me and that it doesn't have anything to do with me, but that doesn't make me feel any better about it. I love him more than anything in this world, but I feel absolutely awful about this all of the time. Besides this, our relationship is almost perfect. I just don't know what to do about this. I can't think about anything else. This is triggering my anxiety to an extreme.

I understand how you are feeling. As women, when men "reject" us or just do not seem interested in physical intimacy it is hard for us not to take it personally in part because men are"supposed" to want sex more than us and if you previously had a very active sex life it makes you feel like there is something wrong with you and that you aren't desirable. In my experience.. if he is not complaining about you or not having sex, and he is not cheating on you then it isnt about you. You say you have talked about this with him and he says its not you. You have to take him at his word and not pressure him. I am sure if there is something going on in that department he feels embarrassed about it already. And it isn't about you. What specifically has he said about it?

[Izzydog2019]

Originally Posted by sarahsweets

Do you mind me asking how old both of you are?

Do you think he he is seeing someone else? What makes you think he will leave you?
I understand how you are feeling. As women, when men "reject" us or just do not seem interested in physical intimacy it is hard for us not to take it personally in part because men are"supposed" to want sex more than us and if you previously had a very active sex life it makes you feel like there is something wrong with you and that you aren't desirable. In my experience.. if he is not complaining about you or not having sex, and he is not cheating on you then it isnt about you. You say you have talked about this with him and he says its not you. You have to take him at his word and not pressure him. I am sure if there is something going on in that department he feels embarrassed about it already. And it isn't about you. What specifically has he said about it?

I am 26 and he is almost 37. I am 100% sure he isn't cheating on me. We work close to each other, so we ride together. We live together. There is rarely ever a time he isn't with me and he gives me access to his phone anytime I want it. He says that he doesn't understand it either, but he knows it has nothing to do with me. You are right, we are predetermined to think that men are always ready for sex. It is hard to accept that it isn't about me.

[aimlesshiker]

I know personally both me and my boyfriend are struggling with some kind of depression and anxiety. He's been diagnosed and while I haven't been, I've had anxiety all my life (so I feel for you! <3) and on-and-off will experience symptoms of depression: general sadness, crying, lack of energy, and here's the kicker: lack of interest in doing the things I used to love. I have found my feelings of attractiveness and libido have gone down so much that I am rarely "in the mood."

If he's experiencing depression or any other mental health issue, that could be the reason (as he said, it has nothing to do with you). It can be hard for anyone to talk about their mental health. Maybe try sitting down with him and talk about how he's really doing, and try not to bring up your own anxieties (because if he IS feeling depressed, you don't want to take that away from him in this conversation. Not that your feelings aren't important, too, but just when you make that initial inquiry). Make the talk about him and show that you're concerned about him and that you love him.

Sorry you're going through this, but you are not alone! Let us know how we can help.

[Izzydog2019]

Originally Posted by aimlesshiker

I know personally both me and my boyfriend are struggling with some kind of depression and anxiety. He's been diagnosed and while I haven't been, I've had anxiety all my life (so I feel for you! <3) and on-and-off will experience symptoms of depression: general sadness, crying, lack of energy, and here's the kicker: lack of interest in doing the things I used to love. I have found my feelings of attractiveness and libido have gone down so much that I am rarely "in the mood."

If he's experiencing depression or any other mental health issue, that could be the reason (as he said, it has nothing to do with you). It can be hard for anyone to talk about their mental health. Maybe try sitting down with him and talk about how he's really doing, and try not to bring up your own anxieties (because if he IS feeling depressed, you don't want to take that away from him in this conversation. Not that your feelings aren't important, too, but just when you make that initial inquiry). Make the talk about him and show that you're concerned about him and that you love him.

Sorry you're going through this, but you are not alone! Let us know how we can help.

I am not aware that he is having any issues as far as mental health goes. He seems so carefree all of the time. You bring up a good point though. I don't know what is going on in his head. Thank you for your advice. I am going to try to have a conversation with him about that tonight. I don't want him to think that I am so wrapped up in my own anxiety that I don't care about his feelings.

[Bill3]

I’m really sorry that this is happening.



It is not your fault.

How long has it been since he stopped wanting sex?

I gather from your last post that he does not see a therapist. However, if he has had zero libido for around say a month or two, then I think that him seeing a doctor or therapist would be in order.

[Izzydog2019]

Originally Posted by Bill3

I’m really sorry that this is happening.



It is not your fault.

How long has it been since he stopped wanting sex?

Does he see a therapist?

Well, it declined several months ago, but basically came to a halt in the last month or so. He does not see a therapist.

[Bill3]

I edited my post above due to cross posting.

I do think that seeing a doctor or therapist would be in order. How open would he be to that idea?

[CrystalGirlx]

Have you asked him exactly why he lost interest in sleeping with you? Is he stressed out at work? Sometimes people aren't sexual after a while. A year is about the point where most of my relationships had a dip in sexual "newness" so to speak.

[Izzydog2019]

I don't think he would be open to it. I feel as if he would be too embarrassed.

[Izzydog2019]

Originally Posted by CrystalGirlx

Have you asked him exactly why he lost interest in sleeping with you? Is he stressed out at work? Sometimes people aren't sexual after a while. A year is about the point where most of my relationships had a dip in sexual "newness" so to speak.

He is stressed out at work. He hates his job. That has been the case for our entire relationship though. I expected it would slow down eventually, but I wasn't expecting it to happen so rapidly.

[CrystalGirlx]

Originally Posted by Izzydog2019

He is stressed out at work. He hates his job. That has been the case for our entire relationship though. I expected it would slow down eventually, but I wasn't expecting it to happen so rapidly.

You need to ask him if it's bothering you that much. You don't have to just flat out say it.. You could just mention you would like some more intimacy.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, Izzydog2019 Work may be the reason he isn't interested in having any intimacy with you at the moment. Is he looking for another job? Since he hates the current one, I feel like it'd be good for him to look for another one. Does he see a therapist? Maybe that could help. He could learn new ways to cope with his stress. If this situation continues, I'd suggest to try couple counselling if you can. Although it sounds like intimacy is the only major issue you have. But I feel like it's still something important to work on. Intimacy is an important aspect in every relationship. I agree with what all the others have already wisely said better than I ever could. Remember that it's not your fault. You're a loving and wonderful person. I'm sure he loves you very much as well. It seems like you have a wonderful relationship with him. You just need to work on this issue, that's all. It won't be easy. It will take time. But it can be done.I'm so sorry, I know it's hard. Please don't give up. I hope things will get better soon for you and your boyfriend. Is there anything we can do to help you? Please let us know. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this