[Dallas Loner]

I lost my wife of 27 years September 2017. A few months later I met a lady, and thought we'd be together forever. Lately, however. issues have arisen, and we are breaking up.

I've come to the conclusion I'm not good material for a relationship. So, at 56, I'm looking at living the rest of my life alone, without a mate.

I'd like input as to how I can make the most of the rest of my life, and what gotchas to look out for. I've always had someone, so this is new territory.

Thanks.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Dallas Loner: I don't think there is really much of anything in particular I can offer with regard to your concern. Hopefully there will be other PC members who will have some experiences they can share. However I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to Psych Central.

One additional forum, here on PC, that may be of interest would be the Men-Focused Support forum. Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/men-focused-support/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

[aimlesshiker]

I'm in a relationship right now, but sometimes I dream of living alone and being to travel anywhere, anytime. I don't know if you have the time or means of doing so, but you could do solo trips around the world, or go on road trips with your friends.

Do you enjoy nature? Nothing clears your head quite as much as a solitary hike in the woods. I notice you're in Texas... maybe find some National Parks to visit.

And even though you'll be living on your own, maybe try to find some social groups to keep you active. Volunteers, find groups on Facebook or Meetup.com, etc. If you're an animal lover, consider getting a pet. It's something to invest your energy into, and having pets has amazing health benefits. It might be particularly rewarding to adopt a cat or dog from your local shelter.

Also, I am sorry about the loss of your wife and now your break up. I wish you the best in your solo adventures!

[Goforward]

Hi Dallas Loner and welcome. I am alone also and found that joining a group of shared interest is worthwhile. I like birds and joined the local Audubon chapter. They have meetings and birding trips. As far as gotchas, I can't recommend online dating...disappointing.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by Dallas Loner

I lost my wife of 27 years September 2017. A few months later I met a lady, and thought we'd be together forever. Lately, however. issues have arisen, and we are breaking up.

I've come to the conclusion I'm not good material for a relationship. So, at 56, I'm looking at living the rest of my life alone, without a mate.

I'd like input as to how I can make the most of the rest of my life, and what gotchas to look out for. I've always had someone, so this is new territory.

Thanks.

There is nothing wrong with going alone in life in fact the idea that one should be with someone at any point in their life is quite a broad stroke to paint over everyone.

Even if one were to remain open to finding a new mate, going it alone and finding your path by way of independence is still the best route because those that find happiness and contentment without a partner make better partners anyway and in fact find better partners in the end. This is, of course not saying you should pursue finding another mate at all. but make your life independently, and enjoy single hood but remain open to the idea that someone might be out there for you still.

The door is open for you to do what you enjoy, and love to do.. whether that be staying at home and hanging out or going to places you never could while attached. I don't think there's any kind of tricks to it or standard rules.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you're struggling, Dallas Loner I agree with what all the others have already wisely said better than I ever could. I'm so sorry for your loss Just remember that you can live a good life even by yourself. Not everyone needs a partner. Many people are single and are perfectly happy with that. You can and will be happy. It won't be easy. It will take time. But it can be done. I hope you'll like your new journey. Do you see a therapist? Maybe that could help. You could learn new ways to cope with your feelings, if you haven't already. Especially if you're feeling lonely. You could learn new ways to cope with the death of your wife as well Take all the time you need to grieve, if you haven't already. Take it one step at the time. Take baby steps. It won't be easy. It will take time. But it can be done. I'm so sorry, I wish I've had more advice to give to you. I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. You don't deserve it at all. You deserve to get better and to feel good, just like everyone else here. I hope you'll be able to get the help you need and deserve. I'm so sorry, I know it's hard. Please don't give up. I hope things will get better soon for you. Is there anything we can do to help you? Please let us know. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this

You never know what the future may bring. Find some new things to do.. groups to join.. make new friends.. enjoy yourself and be open to what comes along.

I kind of wish someone would write a serious book about this subject.

1. Create a pantry in your home. Stock up on things that you will need in case you are sick etc. Motrin, paper plates, extra water etc. Once you are solitary can't have someone pick you something up if you are sick. Think ahead, every 6 months check the stock for expiration.

2. Get yourself a journal. As they say, we all must have someone to hear us. You would think that writing in a journal would make you more lonely but weirdly, no. It is like you are composing a letter to a good friend. And just the process of writing seems to get the "ick" out.

3. Figure out how to use something like google calendar or other apps that will remind you of things. I use google calendar to remind me to change filters or to see a doctor etc.

4. Amazon offers personal aids in discrete packaging, if you get my drift.

5. Find one or two online message boards and talk to people there, this is a good one.

6. Invest in Netflix and Hulu and movies etc.

7. Learn to cook if you don't already know. Fast food will get old and cooking takes up some time. Go to a class if you would like to meet people.

8. Travel. You can just get up and go some place... so do that. Sure you might feel lonely on the trip but you will get to see and stuff while there that will feel great.

9. Travel locally, something I enjoy on days off with nothing to do is going for long drives in the car to explore or just getting on the local train system and exploring all the lines of the trains to see where they go.

10. Take up a hobby. I enjoy buying old furniture and then painting it.. getting new hardware and selling at a profit.

[CrystalGirlx]

Originally Posted by Dallas Loner

I lost my wife of 27 years September 2017. A few months later I met a lady, and thought we'd be together forever. Lately, however. issues have arisen, and we are breaking up.

I've come to the conclusion I'm not good material for a relationship. So, at 56, I'm looking at living the rest of my life alone, without a mate.

I'd like input as to how I can make the most of the rest of my life, and what gotchas to look out for. I've always had someone, so this is new territory.

Thanks.

I don't think that is how your life is going to be if you don't want it to be. You should be comfortable being without someone, but you don't have to feel like this is how you are going to be for the rest of your life if you don't want it to be. I know a lady in her late fifties, overweight, and wheelchair bound in a rehab center that gleefully talks about her boyfriend!

You are just going through tough issues. My ex fiance was 54-years-old, and I loved him tremendously and am currently pregnant with his child. I had to leave due to abuse, but that is a separate issue. You are too young to tell yourself you are destined for solitary life.

[CrystalGirlx]

Originally Posted by Goforward

Hi Dallas Loner and welcome. I am alone also and found that joining a group of shared interest is worthwhile. I like birds and joined the local Audubon chapter. They have meetings and birding trips. As far as gotchas, I can't recommend online dating...disappointing.

Online dating can be disappointing. As someone else mentioned I think meetup.com would be a TAD better than online dating. For me being female, most of the men I met on online dating were interested in sex. I had some relationships, but a lot of the dates I had were like:

Guy: Sex?

Me: How about we go out some more first?

-never hears from him again-

Guy: Sex?

Me: Sure!

-after sex-

Guy: I don't think we are on the same page/ I don't want a relationship type comment. -back to online dating-

Online dating increases the frequency of meetings, so it also increases the frequency of meeting jerky people. If I online dated, I could have a new date every week or so, new people, new personalities, new ways to be disappointed. Regular in person dating my options are more limited, so it is spaced out with more long term encounters.

Oh one more thing to add:

11. when you go to any kind of medical professional about anything... get a second opinion. As a loner you cannot afford mistakes.

You cannot afford to have anything go wrong medically because the medical establishment is so terrible about single people. If your doctor or dentist says "you need to do this" smile.... leave, find another doctor and make sure that advice is accurate before you do it. It may take longer it might be a pain in the rear you but have one body and one life... it is worth it.

[pensive2019]

56 is way too young to decide you'll be alone for the rest of your life. You could live another 40 years...

I'm 49 and have been divorced for 4 years. I've had a few casual relationships that didn't amount to anything. I've become very independent now and I am pursuing things I want - but I am very open to a partner. I guess I am not waiting for one though. I remember coming out of a 20 year marriage where I couldn't focus on myself at all. My ex was like a big baby, needed constant attention and got resentful if I did anything for myself. I am now in my second semester of grad school, pursuing an MBA. I also work and have 3 kids. But I still hope to have a partner some day. Go about your everyday life and don't think about whether you will or won't be with someone.

A guy that I know was married for 33 years and never thought he would find love again, he wasn't looking. He met a woman though who was 10 years younger than him, and she didn't have children. They ended up getting married and had a boy, who is now 20. So you just never know. He never planned on dating again but life happens.

Good luck to you!

Originally Posted by Dallas Loner

I lost my wife of 27 years September 2017. A few months later I met a lady, and thought we'd be together forever. Lately, however. issues have arisen, and we are breaking up.

I've come to the conclusion I'm not good material for a relationship. So, at 56, I'm looking at living the rest of my life alone, without a mate.

I'd like input as to how I can make the most of the rest of my life, and what gotchas to look out for. I've always had someone, so this is new territory.

Thanks.