[bubbles00]

So just a little bit of a backstory: I used to be in a relationship (for almost 2 years) and it basically enhanced my depression and suicidal tendencies and that always caused strain on the relationship. My depression kept telling me he deserves better and that I'm not good enough for him etc. When my suicidal tendencies got really bad I tried breaking up with him because I wanted to kill myself and didn't want him to know about my suicide. I sabotaged my relationship because of my depression. It got really bad to the point that now I 100% believe that my death is going to be from suicide and that it is inevitable. From there on out I oathed that I will never date again (or even have kids) because of my commitment issues and my suicidal ideation.

Fastforward to now, I realized that since I'm so emotionally unavailable and can't have a relationship I'll have what I can still have - sex. So off I went on Tinder having multiple hookups without having to worry about commitment and anything long term.

But then comes a guy (let's call him 'B') and he is so sweet to me. Everytime he comes to see me he always brings me a little gift, texts me with heart/kiss emojis, drives me to work, and has even started calling me babe. Sometimes he even calls me in the middle of the day just to talk for fun and catch up about our day. I can tell he's 'vetting' me about our compatibility on major topics such as religion and even vaccines. I can tell he really really likes me. He checks all the boxes that I would want in a boyfriend so it just sucks that he came into my life at such a bad time.

He's a sweetheart but I'm scared. I was not ready for this. I'm not mentally stable and never will be. My friends and coworkers are pressuring me to go with the flow and date him. But my depression/suicidal ideation is so bad I don't want that to ruin any more relationships. I don't want that to strain the relationship if I start dating B.

He's on vacation right now for 2 weeks so I have time to think about what I want to do. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. My commitment issues and the fact that I think I will 100% die from suicide sooner or later is deterring me from even chancing a relationship (also no, I'm not seeing a therapist/psychiatrist - I can't afford one). I don't want my SO heartbroken from a loss of their partner because of suicide nor do I want to leave my future kids without a mother. It's just a super difficult decision to make.

So now I'm thinking: how do people with depression maintain a relationship? Doesn't suicidal ideation cause HUGE guilt/strain while in a relationship? How can you maintain a healthy relationship with your SO with your mental health issues especially at times when you're contemplating suicide?

[CrystalGirlx]

First let me stop you. YOU NEED MENTAL HELP. You can afford a therapist and you can afford a psychiatrist. Can you get on state insurance? What is your medical insurance situation like? I highly recommend calling the suicide hotline and speaking to them. I believe they can put you in contact with people who can help you. You do not have to suffer like this due to not being able to afford medication.

I am sorry to say but no, you cannot maintain a relationship like this. It is a toxic relationship for your partner and he certainly doesn't deserve to be in a situation like that. People with depression maintain healthy relationships by treating their depression. Left untreated, depression is a serious illness that creates toxic relationships.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but you are making excuses to leave your depression untreated and creating unnecessary strain on yourself by even contemplating whether or not a relationship can work in this dynamic. It is not a difficult choice. You NEED to get treatment. I strongly advise you to take a break from this relationship, contact resources to help you, and get yourself healthier and then try to revisit dating this person. You have to realize somewhere that believing you're going to kill yourself one day isn't normal. You are choosing to accept this as your ultimate death and not seeking treatment for it. It's like walking out in public with a physical illness, complaining about it, thinking about it endlessly, and shunning away the fact there are ways to treat it and your health would improve.. You yourself are choosing to be miserable. You can get treated, you can have a healthy relationship, you can have children....but you shouldn't and cannot with deep depression and suicidal thoughts this severe.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you're hurting so much, bubbles00 I agree with CrystalGirlx. You need to take care of yourself first before deciding to be in a relationship. I know it's hard. But that's the best thing to do both for yourself and him. Do you have an insurance? Perhaps you could try online therapy if it's cheaper for you. I also agree about calling a suicide hotline. Hopefully they'll be able to help you. Please don't give up. Remember that things won't stay like this forever. They can and will get better. If you still want to be with this person, you need to be honest and upfront with your condition. He needs to know that you're struggling with depression. After that, it will be his choice whether he wants to continue this relationship or not. I think that's the best thing to do for both of you. I'm so sorry you're going through all of this. I hope you'll be able to get the help you need and deserve. You deserve to get better and to feel good. You deserve to live a good life just like everyone else. I'd suggest to try to seek help if you can. Do you have a support system IRL? Any friends or family members that you can reach out? Anything that may help you feel better, even for a little bit. Remember that you're stronger than you think. You've got this. Try to hang on. You can do this! You're strong, I know that. I believe in you. Stay strong, bubbles00. Stay safe and take care of yourself. If things get bad, try to call an hotline or try go to an hospital and try to ask for help. Hopefully they will be able to help you. We're here fro you to listen to you if you need it. I'm here for you if you need to talk about it. Remember that we're here for you if you need it. Feel free to PM me anytime. Let me know if I can do something to help you. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this

[Fuzzybear]

Personally I haven’t found the “mental health services” in this forest at all helpful.

I’m hopeful that you’re in a different forest and that your experiences will be more positive if you do seek help, which it does sound as if you need

I’m sending hugs and positive thoughts

[CrystalGirlx]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

Personally I haven’t found the “mental health services” in this forest at all helpful.

I’m hopeful that you’re in a different forest and that your experiences will be more positive if you do seek help, which it does sound as if you need

I’m sending hugs and positive thoughts

She probably needs medication, which can at least boost her to a point where she can start to heal by herself. For some people therapy works wonders, others, it doesn't. I know I went to two sessions and I felt like I got all I could get from it but medication is more what helps me. I have a chemical imbalance. I feel empty, distance, anxious, and can lash out without medication. When I am on medication it is almost like I still have those urges but they are much less severe and a voice in my head tells me "no, don't throw a pot at a wall." "No, don't scream bloody murder at this person today." I am much better able to see the unhealthiness of my desires and I am able to not do these things. Talk therapy help validate my feelings about what I was going through, and pushed me in the right direction but it didn't do much as far as "healing" me.

[Fuzzybear]

Medication could be of use.. if not allergic to it as I am

It’s all they offer in this forest to many

Originally Posted by bubbles00

How can you maintain a healthy relationship with your SO with your mental health issues especially at times when you're contemplating suicide?

You can’t. That is very unhealthy and extremely unfair to the other person. You must seek treatment first if you are even going to consider a relationship, but even then you have to not be suicical OR convinced that’s how it will end for you. It’s very selfish to put someone else through what you’re considering.

[CrystalGirlx]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

Medication could be of use.. if not allergic to it as I am

It’s all they offer in this forest to many

Are you allergic to everything? What exactly are you allergic to?

[mountainstream]

I’m not sure how helpful it is implying the OP is selfish. I agree that they need to find help first though.

I hope the OP finds help.

How is it not selfish? My main point was that she needs treatment. Suicide is a selfish act. And if you’re seriously convinced that’s how it will end, it’s selfish in my opinion to get involved and put someone through that. I’m just expressing my opinion. I am not judging.

[CrystalGirlx]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

How is it not selfish?

I tend to agree with golden_eye. The OP is acting selfish, even if they do not intend to do so. It may not be a nice thing to say, but the OP needs to hear it. Contemplating whether or not they should keep dating this person or thinking of how they can maintain a relationship when their ultimate goal is to commit suicide is...selfish. Say this relationship ended up working, and OP fell pregnant. OP has expressed strong desires to commit suicide which shouldn't be taken lightly. How is a mother who wants to constantly die going to properly parent their child? What if the pregnancy increases the OP's depression so severely that OP commits suicide while pregnant?

The OP needs to end this relationship immediately and seek treatment.

Originally Posted by CrystalGirlx

I tend to agree with golden_eye. The OP is acting selfish, even if they do not intend to do so. It may not be a nice thing to say, but the OP needs to hear it. Contemplating whether or not they should keep dating this person or thinking of how they can maintain a relationship when their ultimate goal is to commit suicide is...selfish. Say this relationship ended up working, and OP fell pregnant. OP has expressed strong desires to commit suicide which shouldn't be taken lightly. How is a mother who wants to constantly die going to properly parent their child? What if the pregnancy increases the OP's depression so severely that OP commits suicide while pregnant?

The OP needs to end this relationship immediately and seek treatment.

Thank you and I agree wholeheartedly with this. You elaborated more on my own thoughts, but that is exactly why it is selfish. And yes it may sound a bit harsh to say but I agree that the OP needs to hear it. We may not hear what we want to on here but sometimes we are told what is most needed.

[CrystalGirlx]

I am actually a little alarmed that suicide posts are welcomed on this forum. I was under the impression that talks of suicide were forbidden. I understand everyone has their own issues, but suicide is an extremely serious subject and someone this set on suicide could be set off at any moment by anything.

Good point.

[CrystalGirlx]

I just want OP to be aware that I am not judging you. I was in an abusive relationship for three years and I had many a "harsh" words said to me by friends and other posters, but once I was out and in a better state I understood the message that they were trying to convey to me. You may be called selfish, and I was told eventually I was to blame for my abuse because I was not leaving the relationship. They were right. It got to a point where I was being severely verbally abused on a semi-regular basis and I was trying to reach out for help and people were like "But you wont leave....".

I can say this about you with treatment. You may not see it now, but you are choosing to be miserable. You can be happy, you can feel better. You need to seek help immediately...before it is too late.

A huge turning point for me in my relationship was when I was so emotionally distraught over my abuser that I actually contemplated driving my car into a lake I was passing. I screamed...loudly... and reved my engine ready to divert myself and stopped. Why was I going to kill myself over one person who I had only known three years out my entire 28?

You need to have the realization that your life is worth more than constantly wanting to die.

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by mountainstream

I’m not sure how helpful it is implying the OP is selfish. I agree that they need to find help first though.

I hope the OP finds help.

I couldn't agree more. Implying or calling the OP selfish when/if they are suicidal is extremely invalidating to HER feelings. Quite often the person who is suicidal has never had anyone validate them or how they feel, and blaming them or judging them for feeling suicidal and being depressed (which is what is happening when someone calls them selfish) is neither supportive nor helpful.

I would guess the OP came here for support. Not opinions on how others feel about suicide.

OP, I am sorry that you are feeling this way. I know how it feels to feel hopeless and at the end of the rope. I am terrible at relationship advice, but it does sound like you would benefit from professional help. Please seek some.

[CrystalGirlx]

Originally Posted by seesaw

I couldn't agree more. Implying or calling the OP selfish when/if they are suicidal is extremely invalidating to HER feelings. Quite often the person who is suicidal has never had anyone validate them or how they feel, and blaming them or judging them for feeling suicidal and being depressed (which is what is happening when someone calls them selfish) is neither supportive nor helpful.

I would guess the OP came here for support. Not opinions on how others feel about suicide.

OP, I am sorry that you are feeling this way. I know how it feels to feel hopeless and at the end of the rope. I am terrible at relationship advice, but it does sound like you would benefit from professional help. Please seek some.

Can we agree to disagree? I actually have felt like OP, and I have been through the emotions she is going through. I don't want to seem like I am judging OP, and I suppose I am. Okay, I am. But I don't know how else to convey that the biggest obstacle OP is facing is herself. When I was seeking help for my abusive relationship, posts that were warm and fuzzy, and that just let me rant and say "oh I am so sorry" didn't help me in the long run. I kept hiding from the judging comments seeking these posts until I had exhausted every chat board and friend who would listen. The posts that really ended up hurting the most were the ones that told me eventually it is your fault because you choose to stay. You don't walk away. But, it was something that I needed to hear.

OP. I sympathize with how difficult these feelings are. You NEED professional help, and you should not be in a relationship without first seeking it. You have had a pattern of toxic relationships due to your depression, and the more and more toxic relationships you have the more it is going to feed into your depression. This does not make you bad, it does not make you worthless, it makes you someone that needs help. You DESERVE help. You are no different than anyone else.

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by CrystalGirlx

Can we agree to disagree? I actually have felt like OP, and I have been through the emotions she is going through. I don't want to seem like I am judging OP, and I suppose I am. Okay, I am. But I don't know how else to convey that the biggest obstacle OP is facing is herself. When I was seeking help for my abusive relationship, posts that were warm and fuzzy, and that just let me rant and say "oh I am so sorry" didn't help me in the long run. I kept hiding from the judging comments seeking these posts until I had exhausted every chat board and friend who would listen. The posts that really ended up hurting the most were the ones that told me eventually it is your fault because you choose to stay. You don't walk away. But, it was something that I needed to hear.

OP. I sympathize with how difficult these feelings are. You NEED professional help, and you should not be in a relationship without first seeking it. You have had a pattern of toxic relationships due to your depression, and the more and more toxic relationships you have the more it is going to feed into your depression. This does not make you bad, it does not make you worthless, it makes you someone that needs help. You DESERVE help. You are no different than anyone else.

I dont think it was your fault though. Victims of abuse are groomed and trained to not be able to walk away. Learned helplessness is a documented state in abuse victims.

I agree with you that the only way out is through. The OP needs to seek professional help. But I do disagree about judgments. We can be direct and clear without blaming the OP for her depression, which is likely out of her control. I can speak from my experience that when I was blamed by my family when I was picked up from the hospital after being admitted for self harm that the judgments and blame only made things worse, not better.

I think you need to understand that being in a domestic violence situation is entirely different from suffering from severe depression and having suicidal ideations. She didnt ask or cause her depression in any way shape or form. She does need to take responsibility for the treatment of it though.

[Kiwi2222]

Originally Posted by golden_eve

How is it not selfish? My main point was that she needs treatment. Suicide is a selfish act. And if you’re seriously convinced that’s how it will end, it’s selfish in my opinion to get involved and put someone through that. I’m just expressing my opinion. I am not judging.

I understand what you're saying Golden Eye .

That's the part that kills me as because I think like you I'm and it selfish so I'm not even considering any form of relationship but then that kills me that I won't feel live again or be hugged by someone who loves you. And the vicious cycle continues

Originally Posted by Kiwi2222

I understand what you're saying Golden Eye .

That's the part that kills me as because I think like you I'm and it selfish so I'm not even considering any form of relationship but then that kills me that I won't feel live again or be hugged by someone who loves you. And the vicious cycle continues

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by Kiwi2222

I understand what you're saying Golden Eye .

That's the part that kills me as because I think like you I'm and it selfish so I'm not even considering any form of relationship but then that kills me that I won't feel live again or be hugged by someone who loves you. And the vicious cycle continues

Kiwi, with treatment you can get better. You can stabilize and manage your depression. And then you could date again. It does not have to be forever.

[divine1966]

People with depression most certainly can be in relationships. But not every depressed person intends to commit suicide.

You however are 100% sure that you’ll commit suicide (just going by what you said). In those circumstances you absolutely must inform people you decide to date that’s your intention. Then you giving them a choice.

You said he is veting you if you are a good match (and that’s the right thing to do) but have you told him that your intentions are to kill yourself with 100% certainty? If not, you ought to do it immediately (if you intend to date him).

No it’s not selfish to be depressed or have any other illness on a planet or be suicidal. You didn’t choose it. It would be selfish though to date a person without letting them know. It could be considered manipulative and you can’t build healthy relationship in this manner

Another point is you could get better if you seek help but you mentioned that you cant seek help because you can’t afford it. Do you work? Have health insurance? If you are unable to afford health care that you very much need, perhaps you ought to focus on getting on your own two feet first and get to a place in life when you can afford basic medical care. I’d not focus on dating at this point.

I hope you make a good decision

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by Kiwi2222

I understand what you're saying Golden Eye .

That's the part that kills me as because I think like you I'm and it selfish so I'm not even considering any form of relationship but then that kills me that I won't feel live again or be hugged by someone who loves you. And the vicious cycle continues

I don’t believe it’s selfish of you to have depression or wanting to commit suicide. It’s not selfish to want relationships either. But you either could seek help and improve your mental health and then date. Or you can date now and inform people immediately about what’s going on so they could make informed choice to date you or not. That’s appropriate thing to do.

I hope you seek help

[Kiwi2222]

Thanks but I've tried everything over years and theirs a lot more going on and that I've lost. And I've seeked help for 20 years. I can't afford the help and the public system I've been locked up in is a flawless underfunded waste of time so their isn't any good help out there for me