Hello folks, I also posted on the Women's forum but I'd also love to hear the thoughts of men-folk on PC. I can't post on the men's forum so here it is...

I was recently reflecting on romance. I am in a relationship with a good and loving man who is not romantic (in my perception). I imagine romance means different things for different people. Or perhaps some of you don't value the concept at all? What are your thoughts? Does romance matter to you? Do you have an example of something that you found really romantic from a partner? All perspectives welcome. I am really curious what others think. Men and women

For example, on Valentine's Day my significant other asked "do you want me to buy you flowers?" I love fresh flowers on any occasion but if I have to ask for them to be purchased, there's no romance in that for me. So I just said no thanks. It's funny really. He perceives fresh flowers as a complete waste of money because they die after a week but fresh flowers make me smile and feel special. Different brains, different perspectives! I am NOT criticizing him. As I said, he's a great man and I love him very much.

Thoughts? Men folk, I'm not going to bash you if you say romance is a waste of time or don't value the concept. If you feel that way, I'd love to read your perspective. The differences fascinate me to be honest. And I have at least one female friend who doesn't value romance at all and hates flowers! Not that flowers = romance. You folks know what I mean

[divine1966]

I don’t know if you are familiar with five love languages. Typically whatever makes you feel loved is your love language and that’s how you experience romance. My husband is off today and I work so he buys groceries and does laundry today. That makes me happy and it’s my romance!!! That makes me more excited than flowers that might not even match my decor. And I am very particular about how things look! Flowers are still ok on occasion but what I dislike is cards. What a waste!

Originally Posted by divine1966

I don’t know if you are familiar with five love languages. Typically whatever makes you feel loved is your love language and that’s how you experience romance. My husband is off today and I work so he buys groceries and does laundry today. That makes me happy and it’s my romance!!! That makes me more excited than flowers that might not even match my decor. And I am very particular about how things look! Flowers are still ok on occasion but what I dislike is cards. What a waste!

Great thoughts! Yes, I am familiar with the five love languages. My primary love language is Quality Time. Interestingly, my mother's love language is Gifts. She actually does not feel loved without them which is very different for me. Gifts are lovely, I'll graciously accept them. But on my birthday for example, if someone chooses to spend time with me or give me a call to chat a while (without any gifts) they have made my day! Though I do love fresh flowers in my home...any day for any reason! Hahaha.

Thank you for sharing.

I think romance is nice sometimes. Valentine's Day just enforces it which I do not like. I do not love someone just for that one day, it is a silly concept and a moneymaker of course. I think just going for a walk together, or when my boyfriend cooks a nice meal for just the two of us or when he reaches for my hand to hold. I do the same since I am a very affectionate person.

[Fuzzybear]

My primary love language is quality time too...

[Skull&Crossbones]

I don't know. I tend to find "romantic" things either insincere or manipulative (a means to an end). I think my love language is supposedly words of affirmation, but when asked what I would prefer more, for the most part, I don't want either choice. So I guess my love language is really none of them.

I also don't understand why asking someone if they want something makes something romantic now unromantic.

[MickeyCheeky]

Thank you so much for making this thread, HopefullyLost1211! I don't have a lot of wisdom to share, I'm afraid. Just wanted to let you know that I have appreciated the thoughts you have all written in this thread. You're all wonderful people. I hope you'll all be able to spend more time with the people you love and that love you back, romantically or not. Sending many hugs to everyone

[sarahsweets]

Kind words, a soft touch. A nuzzle, a foot rub. Fixing my car, opening jars...lots of simple things. Nothing is hotter than watching your man under the hood of your car...

[TishaBuv]

S&C— “I also don't understand why asking someone if they want something makes something romantic now unromantic.“

What makes romance is when someone wants to take the initiative to do something that shows their loved one they are special.

I’ve been blessed with shows of affection from love interests for most all my life; cards, letters, flowers, jewelry, wine and dine and 69 . I felt they enjoyed doing what they did and loved seeing how it made me feel good.

[Baileysaway]

Im a bit of a 'born romantic' - im a sweet, complimentary guy. I get off on making the other person happy and doing things and saying things that make the other person smile. I like to be poetic, cheeky, dirty, but all my affection is towards my partner.
Yes - men particularly use such methods and words to manipulate and it isnt sincere. But some of us value love over anything else in the world and being romantic is part of who i am.
Ive never done anything over the top or grandiose (save that for proposing thanks) but I am definitely consistent.

But i dont think you always have to have the same love language to form a healthy adult relationship. Sometimes finding someone who is equally romantic can actually blind and cover up fundamental issues in relationships and compatibility - Ive found that was true with the mother of my children and although shes a wonderful person I believe we reinforced an ideal of our relationship that wasnt true.
Fast forward to the present - im head over heels crazy with a girl who is often emotionally unavailable, often feels imcompatible however through honest discussion and arising emotions we are continually comprimising so that we both get as we wish as well as able to operate in the manner which suits us best. Its not easy as im sure im often too warm for her and shes often too cold for me, but if you meet someone worth being with, its worth fighting for. Comprimise but dont fundamentally change.

For me romance is just acting on impulse.

[Bill3]

I agree that asking if you want flowers is not a romantic.

However, I think that in the future your response should be “Yes I would love to have flowers!!!,” with the intention of teaching him or reinforcing in him what makes you happy. And then, if he dutifully gets the flowers, you make your honest feelings about flowers known with a lot of affection.

(Now that you’ve told him that you don’t want them, though, he might need to be reoriented in his thinking. You might need to go out of your way to let him know that truly you do love flowers.)

Hopefully, he will gradually catch on over time—so that he can at least say to himself “I don’t understand flowers but for some reason they make my hopefullylost1211 really happy so I’m going to get them for her.”

Originally Posted by Bill3

I agree that asking if you want flowers is not a romantic.

However, I think that in the future your response should be “Yes I would love to have flowers!!!,” with the intention of teaching him or reinforcing in him what makes you happy. And then, if he dutifully gets the flowers, you make your honest feelings about flowers known with a lot of affection.

(Now that you’ve told him that you don’t want them, though, he might need to be reoriented in his thinking. You might need to go out of your way to let him know that truly you do love flowers.)

Hopefully, he will gradually catch on over time—so that he can at least say to himself “I don’t understand flowers but for some reason they make my hopefullylost1211 really happy so I’m going to get them for her.”

Great thoughts Bill. I actually made it really clear in the past that I love flowers. He still deems them a waste of money. So I gave up and sometimes buy them myself to brighten up our home. No big deal. Thank you for your insight

I was about to take a shower yesterday when I remembered that the "wet brush" I use on my hair in the shower was broken. The bristled part had separated from the hard part and I had tried in vain to fix it the previous day. I set it aside, planning to buy a new one and forgot all about it. Right before I stepped into the shower, out of the corner of my eye I saw my hairbrush was fixed. My significant other had fixed it for me without saying a word. Maybe that was better than flowers?