[mountainstream]

Everywhere I go, I’m targeted by toxic people. Even on social media and forums this happens. Does anyone have any tips or experiences they can share? If I’m assertive, someone always takes this personally and turns me into an enemy. Mostly the nastiness is fairly “trivial” I suppose. But it’s relentless. I’m tired of it.

[Fuzzybear]

Maybe those toxic people are jerks and not all that smart.

I’ve found toxic people rarely change

If you have self awareness you’re a “better” person than they are. I’m sorry they are playing games with you. I know they stink grrrrrrrrr ....

Hugs to you

I too have frequently been a target of toxic people. Perhaps it’s not you per se, maybe it’s that there are a lot of toxic people out there. I just don’t know.

Me too. It is really bad lately. I literally stay in my house all day and typically do shopping at night now so I won't have to see my neighbors.

I wrote this on another thread but I am scared that perhaps all those manners and religion and social norms that were around in the 50s were for a good reason. That maybe, left to our own devices, humans have a tendency to rot. And now with years of "do what you want" that rot is starting to surface. This toxic people are like zombies... they are every place. Family is the most likely to have it because there is no "outside" social judgment in how people treat their families. But still there is just a toxic person every place I go and they ruin it for the 50 or so around them.

Emily, that makes me sad.

Toxic ppl should not win.

Mountainstream, I suppose I can give some tips based on my own experience. I have found that standing up to a toxic person is important- at least for me it’s been. Then I sidestep them and ignore them after that. If it’s social media, I block them immediately and I don’t feed into the drama. When you feed into their toxic bs it’s exactly what they want- is to drag other people down. Toxic ppl typically are very negative and unhappy ppl. Therefore they want others to be just as miserable as they are. So I have found by not feeding into their drama, I win.

I guess my tip is to not feed into their negative drama. Don’t take the bait.

Originally Posted by golden_eve

Mountainstream, I suppose I can give some tips based on my own experience. I have found that standing up to a toxic person is important- at least for me it’s been. Then I sidestep them and ignore them after that.

This is the tactic I am using with the crazy HOA toxic person. She has been writing these long e-mails and asking questions at HOA meetings that clearly we can't answer (or answer well enough for her) so we have composed a long e-mail back to her and, at the end, ask if we can share it on the condo website. Since one of the things she complained about was communication.

Once we make this long response... we won't take any further questions from her. And at the annual meeting we are going to get rid of the open forum and request that everyone put in their questions via e-mail before the meeting.

The Board wanted to not respond at all - all along but I suggested to them that would be a mistake. Then she would have an issue. But if we responded and posted it public --the Unit Owners could decide for themselves.

Yes setting limits is important!! Boundaries and limits.

Mountainstream, I found an article which may help you. I was curious enough to do some research. This article basically states that toxic people are attracted to stronger people, people with compassion who listen and care and who are honest. It’s an interesting read:

Kenya : Here is why strong people tend to fall for toxic people - Standard Digital News

Here’s another good read: I fit this description to a T:

7 Surprising Reasons You’re Attracting Toxic People

Originally Posted by mountainstream

If I’m assertive, someone always takes this personally and turns me into an enemy. Mostly the nastiness is fairly “trivial” I suppose. But it’s relentless. I’m tired of it.

Toxic people are manipulative and they don't like to be caught or be called out for it. The world needs assertive people like you to hold them accountable. Because I am working on assertiveness, I admire this quality of yours.

But if you don't want to deal with them on a long-term basis, it's best not to go back and forth with them. If you were assertive with them once, that's enough. Next time they say something, you can say, "We've already discussed this and there is nothing further to discuss." Yes, they are relentless, but what they want is for you to fuel their fire. So you have to be patient and consistent in saying, "We've already discussed this and there is nothing further to discuss." Their fire will eventually burn out or they will go find other sources of fuel.

[seesaw]

I find that toxicity is relative. People who often claim others are toxic are often toxic themselves. Every one is toxic to someone. Otherwise we are literally thinking the whole world as toxic. It helps me to think of it in terms of "this person and I dont mesh. They are not good for me." Rather than labeling people as toxic. Often the people we label as toxic are also hurt and suffering and trying to deal. I feel like calling everyone we dont get along with as toxic is unfair. And I feel like I hear that happening more and more lately.

Best way to deal with anyone you find toxic is to just avoid them.

Originally Posted by seesaw

I find that toxicity is relative. People who often claim others are toxic are often toxic themselves. Every one is toxic to someone. Otherwise we are literally thinking the whole world as toxic.

No, no I have to disagree. Most toxic people that I see choose to be toxic and choose their victims due to their victims being kind and nice people with manners who they know won't turn toxic on them. They see an easy target.

My toxic HOA lady didn't turn toxic when we all needed her.. when there was one toxic person on the HOA but once we all got on to try to direct the ship... she turned toxic. Because she is hoping to get the rest of us to to control the toxic guy on the board for her. So she sees an opening for her power to manipulate the rest of us.

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by Emily Fox Seaton

No, no I have to disagree. Most toxic people that I see choose to be toxic and choose their victims due to their victims being kind and nice people with manners who they know won't turn toxic on them. They see an easy target.

My toxic HOA lady didn't turn toxic when we all needed her.. when there was one toxic person on the HOA but once we all got on to try to direct the ship... she turned toxic. Because she is hoping to get the rest of us to to control the toxic guy on the board for her. So she sees an opening for her power to manipulate the rest of us.

In no way do I want to invalidate your experience. That was not my intent. I agree some people are just entirely toxic. But I do also think there is a tendency with some people to label every person there is conflict or disagreement with as toxic.

I see your point absolutely.

[mountainstream]

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

Maybe those toxic people are jerks and not all that smart.

I’ve found toxic people rarely change

If you have self awareness you’re a “better” person than they are. I’m sorry they are playing games with you. I know they stink grrrrrrrrr ....

Hugs to you

Thank you.

[mountainstream]

Originally Posted by ennie

Toxic people are manipulative and they don't like to be caught or be called out for it. The world needs assertive people like you to hold them accountable. Because I am working on assertiveness, I admire this quality of yours.

But if you don't want to deal with them on a long-term basis, it's best not to go back and forth with them. If you were assertive with them once, that's enough. Next time they say something, you can say, "We've already discussed this and there is nothing further to discuss." Yes, they are relentless, but what they want is for you to fuel their fire. So you have to be patient and consistent in saying, "We've already discussed this and there is nothing further to discuss." Their fire will eventually burn out or they will go find other sources of fuel.

Thank you.

Originally Posted by mountainstream

Everywhere I go, I’m targeted by toxic people. Even on social media and forums this happens. Does anyone have any tips or experiences they can share? If I’m assertive, someone always takes this personally and turns me into an enemy. Mostly the nastiness is fairly “trivial” I suppose. But it’s relentless. I’m tired of it.

I recently heard someone say “if you throw a rock into a pond there’s gonna be ripples.” It actually makes sense that when you are assertive to negative or toxic people they are going to push back. You are making waves in a good way so keep being assertive.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by Sisabel

I recently heard someone say “if you throw a rock into a pond there’s gonna be ripples.” It actually makes sense that when you are assertive to negative or toxic people they are going to push back. You are making waves in a good way so keep being assertive.

Yes, they push back, and my nerves are physically shot from the stress. It’s best to do the right thing, but it comes with a cost.

Originally Posted by seesaw

In no way do I want to invalidate your experience. That was not my intent. I agree some people are just entirely toxic. But I do also think there is a tendency with some people to label every person there is conflict or disagreement with as toxic.

I see your point absolutely.

I've actually never seen a toxic person call someone else "toxic," but that's just my experience. I've never been assertive with a toxic person thus giving her no cause to take off her mask.

It takes some time to see what lies beneath that mask; or a confrontation from an assertive person for that mask to be removed.

Originally Posted by Emily Fox Seaton

Most toxic people that I see choose to be toxic and choose their victims due to their victims being kind and nice people with manners who they know won't turn toxic on them. They see an easy target.

Couldn't agree more. They take advantage of your niceness and gullibility.

[seesaw]

Originally Posted by ennie

I've actually never seen a toxic person call someone else "toxic," but that's just my experience. I've never been assertive with a toxic person thus giving her no cause to take off her mask.

It takes some time to see what lies beneath that mask; or a confrontation from an assertive person for that mask to be removed.

I'm not sure where you're quoting me as saying that? However, I have seen that. But I think it's because, as another poster presented in a very helpful link, it is behaviors and relationships that are toxic, not the people. And I couldn't agree more with that. I think there are many people who refer to any person they have any kind of disagreement with or whom they dont like as toxic. It makes the word lose its meaning.

"“Toxic” gets overused a lot these days, so let’s be clear about what what we mean.

Some people in life are kind of a drag — annoying, difficult, demanding, or otherwise unpleasant. These people are not “toxic,” in the strict sense of the term. They’re just generally undesirable. With this (admittedly large) group of people, you might want to create a little distance, but you won’t have the same urgency to cut them out of your life.

Toxicity really exists on a spectrum. On one end, there’s your old friend from high school who won’t shut up about how you don’t spend enough time together. On the other end, there’s your ex-girlfriend who is still capable of manipulating you into fits of rage. Your friend might be frustrating, but your ex-girlfriend is probably toxic.

Of course, tolerance for toxicity is relative to each person — you have to decide when someone requires distance and when they need to be cut out of your life.

Those lines vary from person to person. For example, your sister will probably get more leeway than a coworker, but everyone’s sister and coworkers are different, and everyone has a different threshold.

What we’re talking about here is true toxicity — the kind that infects, metastasizes, and takes over your life. Here are a few classic signs of toxic people.

1. Toxic people try to control you. Strange as it might sound, people who aren’t in control of their own lives tend to want to control yours. The toxic look for ways to control others, either through overt methods or subtle manipulation.

2. Toxic people disregard your boundaries. If you’re always telling someone to stop behaving a certain way and they only continue, that person is probably toxic. Respecting the boundaries of others comes naturally to well adjusted adults. The toxic person thrives on violating them.

3. Toxic people take without giving. Give and take is the lifeblood of true friendship. Sometimes you need a hand, and sometimes your friend does, but in the end it more or less evens out. Not with the toxic person — they’re often there to take what they can get from you, as long as you’re willing to give it.

4. Toxic people are always “right.” They’re going to find ways to be right even when they’re not. They rarely (if ever) admit when they’ve messed up, miscalculated or misspoken.

5. Toxic people aren’t honest. I’m not talking about natural exaggerations, face-saving or white lies here. I’m talking about blatant and repeated patterns of dishonesty.

6. Toxic people love to be victims. The toxic revel in being a victim of the world. They seek to find ways to feel oppressed, put down and marginalized in ways they clearly are not. This might take the form of excuses, rationalizations, or out-and-out blaming.

7. Toxic people don’t take responsibility. Part of the victim mentality comes from a desire to avoid responsibility. When the world is perpetually against them, their choices and actions can’t possibly be responsible for the quality of their life — it’s “just the way things are.”

Source:
Signs of a Toxic Person | How to Cut Toxic People from Your Life

[TishaBuv]

The article also says this,
“This general group of people — whom we can safely call “toxic” — might resent your progress for any number of reasons. Perhaps they think you’ll no longer be in their life if you improve too much. Maybe they feel like your improvement exposes their own shortcomings. Or perhaps they’re just threatened by the idea of change.”

Yes, so true!

Originally Posted by seesaw

I'm not sure where you're quoting me as saying that? However, I have seen that. But I think it's because, as another poster presented in a very helpful link, it is behaviors and relationships that are toxic, not the people. And I couldn't agree more with that. I think there are many people who refer to any person they have any kind of disagreement with or whom they dont like as toxic. It makes the word lose its meaning.

Yes, I was agreeing with you that we cannot use that label instantly on someone. This is why I stated that it takes time (or something major like confrontation) to determine toxicity. I completely agree with you that merely having a disagreement doesn't make anyone toxic.

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by mountainstream

Everywhere I go, I’m targeted by toxic people. Even on social media and forums this happens. Does anyone have any tips or experiences they can share? If I’m assertive, someone always takes this personally and turns me into an enemy. Mostly the nastiness is fairly “trivial” I suppose. But it’s relentless. I’m tired of it.

out of context of any specific situation this comes as a very generalized statement and hard to give any tips on. Are there any specific instances that you can give example of? It's not easy to answer "how do you handle 'toxic' people" without knowing how they are toxic, what they are saying and what they are doing, or what exactly they are responding to in your comments and statements or behaviors.

Can you be more specific as to what typically happens in the situations you are referring to?

[s4ndm4n2006]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Yes, they push back, and my nerves are physically shot from the stress. It’s best to do the right thing, but it comes with a cost.

interestingly enough part of the difference between people like you and people that are difficult is that many times they don't even consider or care that there's a cost therefore are more willing to do the pushing back because of that.

Originally Posted by golden_eve

What we’re talking about here is true toxicity — the kind that infects, metastasizes, and takes over your life. Here are a few classic signs of toxic people.

I agree that we shouldn't use this label easily. But we also should not invalidate someone else's experience with true toxicity. Sometimes there are differences of perspectives from those who have been affected by it, and those who haven't been. I appreciate your sound and balanced approach to this topic.