[hvert]

I'm wondering if anyone else has experienced this. My mother intercepts gifts meant for other people. It's small value stuff that's not worth arguing about, but it's really getting on my nerves. I got back from a trip with presents for people and had to make sure I didn't give them away in front of her because she would have moaned about how she wanted one until the other person felt guilted into giving it to her to shut her up.

At dinner last night, a relative came up to me with a book she thought I'd like to read. My mother jumped in and took it. My brother came back from a trip with a pile of t-shirts to give away to friends and family. He asked us to pick out what we liked and my mother took almost everything - even though it was pretty clear that he had other people to give them to but was giving us first dibs. He had brought back one thing specifically for me but she raised a stink so I split it with her. I left something for my brother at her house, told both her and my brother it was for him, and she kept it for herself and sent me a thank you note.

If she didn't do this all the time, you could chalk it up as a misinterpretation, but it just happens too often for it to be accidental - and the complaints when someone gets a present she wants can't be written off. It's exhausting trying to work around her.

[TishaBuv]

I’ve never had or known anyone like that. What strange behavior!

[Open Eyes]

Wow, sounds like your mother feels entitled to the point where she believes she has a right to anything being offered with no respect for how anyone else feels. No sense of boundaries.

[Mopey]

Neither have I, Hvert. I’ve known people who maneuver to get things when they’re going to be up for grabs, but never anything this blatant.

And I can just only visualize the scene where you try to confront her with her behavior. No, I dont think so.

About the only thing I could think of is to create a pan-family rule of no gifts, ever.

I read where William Shatner used to do this in Star Trek rehearsals if one of the other actors was given a piece of business that he liked. Somehow he’d always work it so the action was given to him instead 💬

[divine1966]

My grandma found some money I stashed away, I
think it was high school graduation gift from my other grandma. She rummaged through my stuff and took it. I don’t recall how I went about it but it was bizarre. She never gave it back

Other than that my family doesn’t steal BUT some of them don’t return things. I have ton of books. Everyone borrows them and I never see them again. Or they return but significantly later than asked.

Nothing shocks me.

[unaluna]

When my brother was in high school, he went on a school trip and brought back a souvenir, a stuffed animal, for his girlfriend. My mother was so angry and jealous, she wouldnt let him give it to her, and kept the toy on her bed for decoration for like the next ten years. I was about middle school age and i never forgot it. I never resolved it either.

[hvert]

My parents stole money from us when we were kids because they were broke. They were 'borrowing' it but never paid us back, so... funnily enough, my mother insists that was all my father's doing, not her.

Unaluna, what your mother did with that stuffed animal sounds like what my mother does. Someone once gave me something handmade that I wanted to give to my aunt. My mother got so mad that I gave it to her. It's been fifteen years and I'm still angry when I think about it. She threatened to kick me out once because my mother's day present wasn't good enough. Now I send flowers and make sure I am out of town on mother's day so I don't have to deal with her.

I don't know if it's better to keep ignoring it or what. It seems pointless to fight over a book I can get from the library. I can't believe that I only recognized this gift thing as a pattern Sunday night.

My mother has bad boundaries. It's interesting to think of the gift problem as another boundary problem. I can't stand being around her and wish I lived far away from her.

[TishaBuv]

What would happen if you stood up to her and explained how her behavior is unhealthy?

When she got mad because you wanted to give a nice gift to your aunt, what would happen if you questioned her on her reasoning? “Why shouldn’t I show my love to my aunt who I love with a nice gift, Mom?”

Una— the teddy bear on her bed is really out there!

[divine1966]

It’s often pointless to confront these types of behaviors. Not like people would change it.

I just thought of other weirdness related to gifts. My sister in law has some insecurities, which results in her taking casual comments as insults or attacks. Years ago my brother brought something for my sister in law from overseas travels. She was showing it to me and I commented “what a nice thing it’s so cool I really love it”, her reaction was to jump and angrily say to me “well I understand you like it but my husband brought it to ME and it’s mine”. Dang. When did I say I want it?

[TishaBuv]

I’ve given my mom such nice gifts over the years. They pleased her sometimes. Sometimes she returned them or gave them back to me. My generosity was never enough to get her to just love and respect me. She now doesn’t even believe anything I tell her. Whatever I tell her, she tells me I’m wrong and she’ll tell me what is right, which is totally wrong. She’s just a contrarian. It’s part of a disorder and to her own detriment. I feel sorry for her now.

[TishaBuv]

My father’s parents were cruel to my Mom with a gift. They purposely did it to retaliate because she complained to my father about something they did for them that was generous but completely invalidating. So they gave her a gift that was obviously trash but presented it like it was the real thing. It was a mink coat, but it was this hideous rat-like pelt. This was in the 50’s when mink was in. She instantly recognized it was not a mink coat and a cruel joke, but she acted like it was a mink coat just to be polite and they laughed at her cruelly. Nice family much? Do I wonder why she has issues?

[TishaBuv]

11 Surprising Signs Your Mom Is Toxic — And What To Do About It
Mine hits most of the bullet points here. I even hit one. I’m a work in progress.

[MickeyCheeky]

I'm so sorry you and everyone else on this thread are going/have been through all of this, hvert! It is certainly a VERY strange behavior and I'd say definitely a very toxic one as well. I completely agree with what TishaBuy has already wisely said better than I ever could! I'd suggest to talk to her about this and see how it goes from there! Maybe that could help! Make her understand that she isn't behaving in an appropriate way! Hopefully she'll listen to what you have to say and understand what you mean and perhaps try to change her behavior! Be kind and gentle but also honest and firm! If she denies her behavior or doesn't listen to you or refuses to change her behavior then I'd suggest to just keep doing what you're already doing and avoid giving gifts to each other when your mother is around! Unfortunately I'm afraid there aren't many other options, hvert! It must be very annoying and very hard to put with your mother when she behaves like this and with anyone else that behaves like this! I'm so sorry you're ALL going through ALL OF THIS! Remember that we're here for you if you need it! Feel free to PM me anytime! Let us know if there's ANYTHING AT ALL that we can do to help you! Just let us know and mention it and we'll try to do OUR BEST to HELP YOU OUT! I PROMISE YOU THAT! You're a STRONG, WONDERFUL PERSON! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! WISH YOU GOOD LUCK! Let us know how it goes! I'm so sorry you and everyone else have to deal with all of this, hvert! Sending many hugs to you, hvert, and of course to all of the wonderful people here on PC!

[WishfulThinker66]

I ended a friendship over this. She would do this sort of thing all the time. I invited her once to a women's group which was a special evening. It was a white elephant thing - you brought with you items you no longer wanted to exchange with the others. She didn't bring anything - yet she managed to take nearly everything home with her. I told her upfront she had put me in a really bad position with other friends and that I was humiliated by her behaviour. She was incredulous as to why. I turned around and walked away.

[Mopey]

When she got mad because you wanted to give a nice gift to your aunt, what would happen if you questioned her on her reasoning? “Why shouldn’t I show my love to my aunt who I love with a nice gift, Mom?”

You could try this suggestion of Tisha's, Hvert. It might even get you somewhere if you took the proper plaintive, respectful, questioning tone as if you really wanted to know. (Which actually you do). It might be worth a try.

My late mother often got nasty or dismissive when I spoke to her, so I used to spend hours trying to figure out the proper wording and more importantly the proper tone that might stop her in her tracks and make her turn around and examine herself and actually THINK about the question I was asking her. In other words I was pretty much falling all over myself not to give offense. Occasionally it actually worked. But you'd have to have just the right words, just the right tone.

[TishaBuv]

Originally Posted by Mopey

When she got mad because you wanted to give a nice gift to your aunt, what would happen if you questioned her on her reasoning? “Why shouldn’t I show my love to my aunt who I love with a nice gift, Mom?”

You could try this suggestion of Tisha's, Hvert. It might even get you somewhere if you took the proper plaintive, respectful, questioning tone as if you really wanted to know. (Which actually you do). It might be worth a try.

My late mother often got nasty or dismissive when I spoke to her, so I used to spend hours trying to figure out the proper wording and more importantly the proper tone that might stop her in her tracks and make her turn around and examine herself and actually THINK about the question I was asking her. In other words I was pretty much falling all over myself not to give offense. Occasionally it actually worked. But you'd have to have just the right words, just the right tone.

So true! I’m working on tone myself!

[hvert]

Lol at 'It's mine.' And that friend who took all the gifts at the white elephant, oh boy. I hate it when I introduce someone to a group and they do something like that.

Many of the bullet points in that toxic checklist are all too familiar. I don't think there's any hope of a reasonable conversation about the gift interception and it's really a minor aggravation compared to the other stuff she does, like poisoning my relationships with other relatives or finding out what my plans are and showing up even when she is not invited or wanted. It was just so weird last weekend. My relative is physically in the process of handing a book into my hand and my mother rushes from across the room to take it. The book was related to my father's family history. My parents have been divorced for 20+ years. Why would she want that or think it was for her?

Now that I think about it, she was also complaining about the gift I gave her for Christmas at the dinner, multiple times. I need to book something out of town for Mother's Day and be thankful there isn't any reason for another family get together until August. She's always threatening to move to another state, wish she would act on it.