Does a partner who is smothering, push you away?

Me and my bf have kind of been having differences but after a talk, I realized what the real issue is...

I am totally smothering. He told me I am so smothering that it is preventing him from wanting to be with me all the time..a lightbulb went off...how many of you guys can relate?

I am smothering with texts, calls. If he doesn’t respond I send a text back asking if he’s ok...I am now aware this behavior won’t allow us to become closer...he likes his space and doesn’t want an anxious girlfriend who will freak if he sometimes can’t hang out when I want to.

You do come across as somewhat needy and insecure but Id not blame you, i suspect that it’s partially because he isn’t fully available for you and isn’t as commited as you’d like him to be.

You subconsciously sense it so you feel anxious, you become needy to calm your anxiety. If you were with a man who was very emotionally available and commited to you, you’d be able to relax and you’d not feel anxious and clingy, you’d not need to call him every minute because you’d feel secure in your relationship.

You don’t feel secure in this relationship and going by what you described not too many women would be secure with this guy (unless they just go for casual sex encounters).

I think you tend to be attracted to unavalaible men (he isn’t the first guy of this type) and your issues stem from there (were your parents emotionally unavailable?).

I’d recommend seeing a therapist to work on the roots of these attractions.

i'm on the other side of this. my bf can be pretty smothering and it does push me away. if he's constantly calling/texting and showing up at unexpected times, it takes away my chance to reach out to him and initiate. contacting me when i have to have my attention on something else can feel intrusive and disruptive. i'm very introverted so i do need my space, plus i struggle with adhd so i deal with sensory overload quite a bit and can be really thrown off by unexpected interruptions.

we've talked about this and understand each other better now, but yeah, having a talk about this issue with your bf would be good, along with seeing a therapist.

Hi Gymgirl, to answer the question posed in your title, yes smothering behavior is a turn-off and will push anyone away. Why don't you experiment, back off, and let him text or initiate communication? And when he says he may not be able to get together, don't keep texting him about getting together and let him decide and come to you? Try changing the behavior entirely.... you don't have to let him initiate always, but just back off by a large amount and see what happens. Hugs to you.

we have a set day together, so that’s a given. However, I am not going to ask about getting together before then. If he wants to do that, he will need to initiate.

That's a great idea and a wise decision. In the mean time, focus on your own life, friends, family, goals, and hobbies.

A partner doesn't like the pressure of compensating for the missing half of a person. He wants you to be a whole person on your own.

Hope all goes well.

While it's natural to feel needy and to want to be in another's mind constantly, it's usually deteriorating for the relationship. Space is valued by some people, myself included

I have a rule about relationships.....'On The Same Highway, But In Different Lanes' I don't need to know everything about them, I don't want to know where they are 24/7, Although we have some friends in common, I also have my own interests and social circle. Codependency is a dirty word to me...keeping a reasonable level of Autonomy is healthy in any relationship.

Well-said!!