[toughbird]

Hi guys

This is the link with my orginal story. https://forums.psychcentral.com/rela...even-more.html

Update

So I got on with my life. Decided to just move forward. In a new job which has increasing helped me to focus on a more positive life. Made me realise my self worth was more. I was surrounded with positivety. I even got a new phone and new number.

This week, I saw my ex at the bus stop. He saw me. Said hello and walked past me.

Two days later, on my facebook newsfeed. He posted up saying his deleted seventeen friends off his FB within the last three months.

Me being stupid and caring. I texted him from my new phone informing this is my new number.

Within a minute later, he replied back thanking me for my new number.

He ignores my texts for months. Doesn't reply. The moment I text him with my new number. He sends a reply back within one minute later thanking me for my new number. I then ask him about meeting up next week. Tells me no thanks. Then I ask him about whether he wants us to remain as friends? He's reply back is "sure, if you want too".

As soon as I point out - I just want a friendship with him. He ignores me.

Why go from blanking me for months. Then thanking me for my new number. Then refuses to meet up and then ignores me again.

What kind of pathetic immature crap is that??

Gosh I am so pathetic.

[Open Eyes]

Honestly given your last thread with what you experienced then and then what you are experiencing now too, this guy is only showing that he isn't going to change his behaviors. Just leave him alone and let this go.

[toughbird]

I ask him about whether he wants us to remain as friends? He's reply back is "sure, if you want too".

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

[divine1966]

He refuses to meet up and ignores you because he isn’t interested. It’s pretty simple.

I don’t see him as immature or pathetic. He is and was very clear he doesn’t want to meeet up or be in communication with you. He remains polite and cordial saying thanks for the phone number. He sees you on
the street, he says hi and doesn’t stop-because he isn’t interested. He never initiates anything but remains polite and non confrontational.

When you ask to meet up, and the person says they don’t want to see you, you need to start showing self respect and back off. You really need to leave him alone.

[divine1966]

As about why he said this or that he is running out of options of what to say to make it clear he isn’t interested. Plus he likely avoids confrontation as it turned out somewhat confrontational and volatile last time when you pursued him.

I highly recommend therapy in this case

Originally Posted by toughbird

I ask him about whether he wants us to remain as friends? He's reply back is "sure, if you want too".

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

He's already shown you he's not interested. You need to back off and leave him alone. If a man is interested in you, he'll directly tell you he is. There won't be any signals for you to have to read into or interpret or analyze. He'll just say it plainly enough for you to understand. But your ex-bf hasn't done that. He's moved on. You need to move on.

Texting him your new cellphone number was a huge mistake for yourself, b/c you did that to set up expectations for a future reconciliation with your ex-bf which is not going to happen. He only responded to your text "thank you" out of politeness. You should delete his cellphone number from your cellphone. Otherwise, you will be tempted to incessantly text him to try to get him to respond to you.

Chasing an ex-bf is never good. It shows him that you lack self-esteem and makes you come across as desperately reaching for something he isn't willing to reciprocate anymore.

I agree with others that you should stop pursuing him. His actions speak louder than his words and even contradict them, as he demonstrates that he is clearly not interested.

Originally Posted by divine1966

As about why he said this or that he is running out of options of what to say to make it clear he isn’t interested. Plus he likely avoids confrontation as it turned out somewhat confrontational and volatile last time when you pursued him.

I highly recommend therapy in this case

I think that is what you recommended in her last thread also.

[Have Hope]

Hi Toughbird. Very gently and with great compassion I say this, but I think you have some deep self-esteem issues and lack self-respect. And my apologies. I really don't want to hurt your feelings by saying this!!! I read through the other thread you posted. If a guy (boyfriend - ex) told me I needed psychiatric help, to leave him alone and to not contact him, AFTER I had already pursued him all over a bar, I would NEVER contact that person again... not once, and out of sheer self-respect.

I don't know what emotional or mental health issues you may suffer from, and again, please forgive me for being forward with you, but it seems you need some professional help to figure out why you have this deep rooted need to pursue and pursue when you're told "no". When a man says no, he truly means that he doesn't want you to contact him again. It seems like you have an issue with boundaries and self-respect.

I would not continue to contact this man. I agree with the others that he is just simply being polite to you. I would instead seek the help of a therapist who can help you understand why you are doing this to yourself. Again, please forgive me for being so honest, I really don't want to hurt you by being upfront. But I feel you need to understand something that you're missing here.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by ennie

I think that is what you recommended in her last thread also.

I likely did.

[TishaBuv]

Have you ever heard of limerence?
Limerence - Wikipedia

I’m not diagnosing anyone or insinuating you have this. But, it’s worth reading. It sure resonates with me and explains to me about crushes I’ve had that were somewhat unrequited.

Do yourself a favor and unfriend him on facebook so you are not tempted to reach out to him again when you see his posts. Also delete his number from your phone so you can’t call him.

[divine1966]

Originally Posted by TishaBuv

Have you ever heard of limerence?
Limerence - Wikipedia

I’m not diagnosing anyone or insinuating you have this. But, it’s worth reading. It sure resonates with me and explains to me about crushes I’ve had that were somewhat unrequited.

Do yourself a favor and unfriend him on facebook so you are not tempted to reach out to him again when you see his posts. Also delete his number from your phone so you can’t call him.

Omg I forgot about limerence. It happened to me once. It was a total and utter nightmare. Thankfully my therapist helped me with understanding (after it ended). Nightmare. Blocking him from everywhere is a good idea and seeking professional help

[TishaBuv]

My new therapist thinks I have an Attachment Disorder. Limerence relates to this and also OCD.

Generations of women in my family have suffered obsessions with unrequited love! My grandma even had a Yiddish word for it, which I think she made up because I can’t find anything about that online.

For the OP on this thread, you have been given just a tiny bit of encouragement and feel hopeful from this tiny speck of what little interest he did show you. But, when you realize there is no hope that he has any interest in you, you will be able to get over this rejection and move on.

[toughbird]

So basically I am mental and need therapy. I should cut my losses with my friend.

I agree. :-)

Toughbird-- Maybe this kind of thing is more common than people admit. Believe me, you are not alone in experiencing this. IMO you don't necessarily need therapy for it because talking about it can just make it worse. I think it is best not to feed the beast by focussing on other things (though I know it is hard to do but I think you can find something else in your life to focus on). For me, psych drugs work better than talk for easing my obsessive compulsiveness. Mine is OCD thoughts. The best thing for me about experiencing limerence is that it kills my appetite. Usually, I eat way too much. There is a silver lining in every life experience if you look hard enough.

[toughbird]

I was being sarcastic.

I know myself better than any of you do.

It's extremely to diagnose someone based on words from a screen.

Sorry if I didn't pick up on your sarcasm.

None of us were diagnosing you. Just trying to say that we could start thinking about someone more than we like for a variety of reasons. In my case, I think I did this because of a type of OCD. Not saying you are OCD only that I have a personal experience with second guessing and thinking about other people to an extreme degree. I was trying to make you feel better. Sorry it didn't help.

[TishaBuv]

My intent was only to share information with you that you may find helpful. I don’t know anything about you. Of course, I would not be so presumptuous to suggest you are mentally ill.

Is this the first guy you’ve had an unrequited crush on?

I have a series of them.

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by toughbird

I ask him about whether he wants us to remain as friends? He's reply back is "sure, if you want too".

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

A lot of people accept the "request for friends" because of how facebook is set up. However, that doesn't mean that accepting suddenly gives the other person a right to get into that person's private life and it doesn't mean that suddenly there is an agreement to constantly connect everyday either.

It sounds like you are a bit more extroverted and this guy is introverted and likes to be more private. He isn't being weird but is merely expressing his need for others to respect "his" space.

From what you shared in the other thread, you drank a bit and went and sat down with him and began to get more and more into "his" space. Then he got angry and got up and left to which you insisted on following him and getting into his personal space even more. His reaction was anger and expressing how you don't get the hint and back off. This guy sounds like a private person that doesn't like it when people get into HIS SPACE. This is important to understand about other people that express a need for space toughbird. Every time you interact with this guy you begin to get into his space and he makes it a point to create space with you by not interacting with you at all.

While you feel this is not normal, the important thing to understand is that this is normal to HIM. What you consider normal is being more extroverted like you seem to be but that's normal to YOU. This guy is not a good match for you, you need a person that is more extroverted like you are and it's important that you understand that you are not going to ever change this guy to fit in with how YOU like to interact. Your presence is too strong for him and you need to learn that there are people that will look to create distance and space from you because you are too extroverted for them and tend to get too into their space. He prefers HIS friends to give him as much space as he needs, he is consistently showing he is sensitve to individuals that get too much in his personal space.

[Open Eyes]

Originally Posted by toughbird

I was being sarcastic.

I know myself better than any of you do.

It's extremely to diagnose someone based on words from a screen.

It's understandable that you would feel this way toughbird. My last post was not about diagnosing you or even this guy that is confusing you. I wanted to focus more on how he responds to you and what that can mean so you "learn" from what you are experiencing with him. You can come to a realization of how some people are going to interact with you in ways that can let you know they are more introverted and private as people. This can mean they are not going to be receptive to how you interact and can be more forward with them.

[Molinit]

No diagnosis here.

He isn’t interested. That’s it. If you continue to pursue any contact from this time forward you’re moving into stalker-ish territory.